Patience

I've been really trying to figure out why I feel so tempted to reach for a cigarette and beer lately. I've been feeling so great, so it confuses me that I would want to throw that all away. I know that deep down I don't want to, I don't want to start being unhealthy again. If I pick up a cigarette, I can say bye to my daily hill trek. I think I've figured out part of the problem. With a cigarette and a drink, you get  instant results. As soon as that alcohol and nicotine hit your system,  you have instant relief. It's also less work. The cigarette and alcohol did most of the work. Since trying to live a cleaner, healthier life I just haven't gotten the same results, and as I've mentioned patience is something I am always working on. The truth of the matter is I had a lot more friends when I was a party girl. I know that the friendships weren't based on anything meaningful, but still some of those friendships did mean something to me, and I do have some good memories. The truth of the matter is since embarking on a healthier lifestyle, I've never been lonelier. I don't know where I will end up, because I don't feel like I fit in with health based people, because I still enjoy some delicious vegan junk food from time to time, and I am trying to get healthy without being obsessive about food or my body. So, when I crave smoking or drinking, I think I'm craving some of those times when I had friends over, and we were just hanging out, and being goofy and having fun.
Having the patience to wait and see what is coming next is the hardest thing. I think I need this alone time in order to learn how to be my own friend first.
Two things that are really helping me figure some stuff out are journaling, and walking up this hill. I've heard people talk about journaling for many years, and like happiness it seemed to be something for other people. It just didn't seem like something that could help me. To be honest, sometimes I still feel that way. But I do know that it's helping. It's helping me to learn things about myself that I didn't know. And so far my journal and my hill walking are keeping me on the path I want to be on.
Taking it one day at a time is easier said than done!

Return to Sender

One of the biggest problems in my last relationship was my ex's aggressive show of not listening to me. I've experienced people not listening before, but usually people at least try to look a little interested. My ex was nothing if not brutally honest. For the most part he totally denied being a horrible listener, and when I would bring it up it would result in a huge argument. At some point he finally didn't deny being a horrible listener, instead he informed me that it wasn't that he was a horrible listener, it was just that he wasn't interested in anything I talked about. Please keep in mind that I wasn't trying to talk to him about make-up. He doesn't really care about politics or world events, and he could not care less about veganism. He also doesn't read, like anything. It's not that he doesn't know how to read, it's just that he has no interest in books, magazines, online magazines/articles. If it isn't on reddit, it doesn't matter to him. I let this affect me, and it made me question myself in every way. In no way do I think I am the world's most interesting person, but I also know I'm not the most boring either. But yet it made me this insecure person around him, constantly questioning myself, constantly trying to keep myself in check, keep track of how long I was talking, try to think of what could be interesting topics, etc. It was a lot of work, and a lot of insecurity. It trickled down to other people too. If I was at a store, having the usual chit chat as you check out, I would worry that I talked too much, or that I totally bored the cashier and everyone around.  I remember one fight we had over him not listening, I said to him, please just tell me to shut the eff up when I'm boring you that much. He clutched his pearls and said, "I could never be that cold and rude" So funny, because completely ignoring someone when they talk is just a passive aggressive shut the eff up. But he just refused to see any kind of similarity.
I've been reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and the second agreement is don't take anything personally. This has been something I've struggled with my whole life. I think it's a really tough one. But it's something that I want to work on.  This paragraph stood out to me. "Someone can intentionally send emotional poison, and if you don't take it personally, you won't eat it. When you don't take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but not in you." I can think of a billion times in my life when I have eaten the emotional poison.
Here's to forever pursuing the dream, whatever your dream is. I will never stop fighting for animals, and I will always care about politics, environmental issues, and world issues. There is already too much apathy in this world, I can't let anyone steal my voice.
Are you able to let other people's stuff roll off your shoulders, or do you struggle with taking things personal?

Lost & Found

Yesterday when I got to the top of my hill, I decided to turn down a side street instead of going straight back down the hill, which is what I usually do. I just decided I wanted some different scenery I guess. Well, the roads didn't connect the way I thought they would, and then one different turn turned into a wrong turn, and it all equaled LOST. It was like five or five thirty in the morning, so not a lot of people out and about to ask for directions. I just kept following the sound of traffic, because I knew that was the street I needed/came from.  I looked crazy too, sweat pants, flip flops, and a hat and jacket. I looked like the insane person breaking into houses and peeing in the living room or something. I learned a lesson about patience, which is something I've been working on for AWHILE now. I lose patience easily, with myself, other people, situations, etc. It's been a problem for as long as I can remember. Anyway, in the past I would have gotten very flustered, berated myself, and just let getting lost kind of ruin my mood, and probably my day. How crazy right? I mean it's not like I was in the wilderness without a compass! I was in the vicinity of a police station for the love of all! So, really no reason to lose it. I chose instead to look at it as extra exercise, I got to see a few cute dogs out for their morning walks, and I also got to see quite a few awesome houses that I might never see otherwise. It was no big deal, I made it home, and I was actually in a much better mood than before I left.
I know I've said it a million times, but I really feel like this hill is more than just exercise for me. I think that it is going to teach me things, and help me figure out things that I need to figure out. I feel like we learn things when we are ready, and more than ever I feel open to change, and learning, and growing. And on the other hand, I have been dealing with some temptations to pick up some old habits, like a cigarette and a beer, so the hill keeps me accountable. I'm not climbing that thing after I've smoked cigarettes, I would die! And blogging about walking this hill is keeping me double-y accountable. It's funny how life works sometimes.
Walking up a hill beats a hangover any day of the week! Happy Thursday!

Listen to Yourself!

I am so thankful that I didn't listen to the interwebz when it came to paint my cabinet. I watched a few tutorials on YouTube, and according to them I should use special laminate paint. This was supposed to be a free project, and so I didn't want to spend money on paint, when I have all this extra. On a side note, Home Depot, or any type of hardware store/section is not my favorite place to be. I feel very out of sorts. So, I decided to make my own rules, and use the paint I had. It turned out a smashing success!

Original bland color

Chunk, mid yawn. Inspecting is such hard work!

The color is a little deeper than the picture. I remember having the same issue with the pictures of my walls when I painted them. But regardless, it turned out great, and I had no issues with the paint I used. Now that it's totally dry, I see a few spots where I need to touch up, but other than that it's ready! Now, I have a place to take food pictures for my other blog, and the drawers are very deep, so I can keep lots of spices and other pantry items in there, since space in my kitchen is so limited.
It's so incredible to me how much better it feels to be handling my pain and emotions productively, not drinking and smoking my days away, an endless spin of misery. I still feel just as crappy and cry much more than I would admit, but it isn't controlling my whole day. I feel like I'm working through, not just getting over.
Before I sign off, I want to say to anyone who might be struggling with wanting to be self destructive, find a hill. It doesn't have to be an actual hill, but find a challenge for yourself, and really make yourself stick with it. The cravings for things that are bad for you will go away naturally, no need for any help. When you are doing good, and you want more good, and you become very protective of that feeling. You don't want anyone or anything, including yourself taking it away.

Positive Musings

Today is positive vibe Monday! Something I'm feeling very positive about is the fact that it is November, and it is still in the fifties, and sometimes sixties here in rainy Seattle! I wish I could say sunny Seattle, but you can't have everything, right? I'm also very happy with my decision to tackle this hill every day. It's so much more than the exercise. It's teaching me to stick to the commitment I made to myself. And I've let myself down way too many times in my life. It stops now. I remember years ago seeing an episode of Oprah where she said that we tend to stick to promises we make to other people, but when it comes to promises we make to ourselves, we're much more willing to break them. I don't know about you, but that is the solid truth for me.
I notice that I'm thinking clearer, and I'm learning that just being in your feelings won't kill you. You don't have to starve, binge/purge or drink them away. That doesn't do anything. The feelings don't go away, no matter how hard you shove them. This is probably obvious to most people. Deep down I've known too, but I just wasn't ready to handle my feelings. This is what people who can't afford therapy do. They either self medicate, or they find a hill.
Something I know about myself is that I sometimes put up with things that I would never find acceptable for someone I care about. It would drive me bonkers. I can think of one relationship in particular that I said to myself over and over "come on girl, be your own friend here." But something about the guy, or the relationship always kept me coming back. I'm not proud of this fact, but most of my relationships have been like that. But the one in particular I had moments of clarity that I chose to ignore, where as most of the others I was in full on denial. If you would have asked me at the time I would have told you I was in the most awesome relationship with the most amazing guy EVER!
I'm getting way off track from positive vibe Monday. I just feel overwhelmed with how great it feels to take care of yourself, and be your own cheerleader. I'm doing all of this on my own. I don't have a single person that I talk to about this goal of mine. The few casual friends I have aren't into healthy things, so it's just something I keep to myself. I've said it before, but not everyone has a support system, so you have to be that support for yourself. Life doesn't stop moving because we are in a funk.

This ugly looking cabinet thing was left by someone, and it's going to get painted today by yours truly. I have leftover eggplant paint from painting an accent wall in my apartment, and I'm going to see if it will work on this weird fake wood type of surface. I'm going to place it next to my kitchen and use it as extra cupboard space since my kitchen is TINY. Fingers crossed it turns out amazing. I blame all of this productive handling of things that annoy me on the fresh morning air I'm getting as I gasp for breath trudging up this hill! Hopefully there will be so much more to come!
Happy Monday!

It's Not Me, It's You.

                                           
This absolutely cracked me up. And if this actually existed, it would be AMAZING (except for the price) I would have been hitting that alert multiple times a day in my last relationship. One of our biggest problems was his aggressive disinterest in just about anything I had to say. He has no interest in politics, world events, environmental issues, really anything. You know how most people have a discussion after a movie or TV show that they really enjoyed? Not really happening with this guy. It really messed with me. I started questioning everything about myself. I started thinking that maybe I was the world's most boring person.
As a single person, I get that "oh poor lonely you" ALOT! But first of all, I crave and need to be alone most of the time, and second of all, it is way lonelier to be in an empty relationship. None of my past relationships have been perfect(obviously) but I always felt like I was somewhat interesting to my partner. Maybe they weren't interested in a detailed description of my lotion and potion routine, but we could talk for hours about other topics. The strangest thing about the way things turned out with D is that we were friends for many years before dating. Like not friendly acquaintances, but real friends. We would hang out for HOURS talking about nothing and everything.  He hung out with me at my drunkest, and trust me as a former bartender no one can go on and on and on for days like someone who is drunk! I never felt like I was boring to him. Maybe I was to drunk to notice the boredom in his eyes.
I think being really listened to is one of the best feelings in the world. Partially because it's a rare feeling anymore, not to be taken for granted. If you look around you on any give day, there are very few conversations with direct eye contact. We live in a multi-tasking time. I guess it's more someone really WANTING to listen that is so special. When you know someone is really into the conversation, that's just the best.
"D" used to swear he could play video games and be listening to what I was saying. Or perusing Reddit, or whatever. But yet if anything came up about any topic that was discussed while he was killing zombies, he had no recollection. But yet he will go to his grave believing that he can kill zombies and listen to someone talk about a non zombie killing subject.
I wasted a lot of time berating myself for being so boring, but I now realize that while I may not be the worlds most interesting person, how boring is he? How boring is someone who is so apathetic they don't even want to discuss politics, or world issues, doesn't read anything other than reddit, and who's only hobby is video games?

Cozy Sunday Morning

I've been reading The Four Agreements for awhile now, and the chapter I'm reading this morning is about not taking things personally. Not accepting other people's poison. I feel like I'm late to the party with this book, but better late than never.
Here's an excerpt from the chapter I am reading that really made me stop."When you feel good, everything around you is good. When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You are loving everything that is around you, because you are loving yourself. Because you are happy with your life. You are happy with the movie that you are producing, happy with your agreements with life. You are at peace, and you are happy. You live in that state of bliss where everything is so wonderful, and everything is so beautiful. In that state of bliss you are making love  all the time with everything you perceive." I feel brief moments of that kind of happiness, especially in the last few days, but my goal is to walk around in that bliss all the time!
But, back to the ex, his need to not only not listen to me, but to almost go out of his way to make it as obvious as possible is his problem. It says nothing about me, and much more about him.
If you haven't read this amazing book, you really should. It is the kind of book that you read, and re-read, and loan to someone, and it touches them, and then they loan it to someone, and you never see your original copy again, so you buy another. But you don't even care because it's so great that so many people are loving it! I found my copy on Amazon for a pretty decent price.
Happy Sunday!

Committed

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for my hill walk, I realized there is no way I can put a sneaker, or any other closed heel shoe on my heel. So, I put my flip flops on and told myself"no excuses". As soon as I stepped outside, I learned it was raining. Not super hard, but much more than a drizzle. I instantly thought of going back to my cozy apartment. I had the thought that I could go on the treadmill in the gym in my building, or I could easily find a cardio workout on YouTube. But I made myself do it. I trudged up and down that hill in the rain, in flip flops, walking through many puddles that I couldn't see, almost slipping in the wet leaves, and loving every minute of it. I don't like the rain. Never have, probably never will. But yesterday morning the rain felt like life, and I soaked it all in. When I got home, I realized that these morning walks have little to do with exercise, and everything to do with commitment and discipline. So far in my life, everything I've learned about commitment I've learned from my cats, so I have a lot more to learn. This is about the good and the bad. Happiness is a choice, and it isn't just handed to us. We have to be committed. We have to push ourselves, and sometimes go through rough patches. I know all of this, but in the past at some point I just give up, and choose the easier, more self destructive route. I see now that a pattern of mine is to let one excuse turn into another, until my goal is forgotten. I'm doing everything in my power to stop that cycle.

I found this picture at a thrift store. How's that for luck? This is my favorite Dr. Seuss sentence EVER! Usually I feel it is relevant to my passion for animal rights, but I also am using it for inspiration for my own self love.
Happy Saturday!