Progress not Perfection

For those of us who aren't Trump supporters this has been a tough few weeks. For myself it's less about Trump's win, and more about the hate his campaign not only stirred up, but normalized. I wrote about my sadness and frustration on my vegan blog and didn't know what to expect. I assumed most of my readers shared my opinion on the Trump debacle. I got two negative comments, which in the grand scheme of things is pretty good. I responded to the comments in what I feel was an appropriate way. Both had mentioned they were just here for the food posts, and one was offended by me using the word dick to describe Donald Trump. I mentioned to both people that I have never only talked about food on my blog, so maybe my blog wasn't for them. Not everyone is for everyone and all that. Well, one of the anonymous people who didn't like my political opinions responded to my response to them in such a cruel, personal way that it really threw me for a loop. They sent the response as an Email so no one else could see it which made it even more personal. It made me feel hurt and angry and also a little confused. And also a little leery of putting myself out there on the internet. Because when you write about your weaknesses it makes people feel like they know you, and the really vicious ones know what to say that will hit you hard. I haven't responded because what is the point? I feel that responding will only lead to another response, and it will only get meaner. But one thing I am grateful for is that it really made me think about how I respond to people I don't agree with. I don't want to ever be like this person. Because you never know what kind of day or week someone is having. I never want to make someone who I disagree with online feel the way I felt. I already am having a hard time coping with the impending holiday season, and just a lot of other stuff, this was close to being the straw that you know what. I was thinking about not blogging again, or drastically changing my blog by keeping my opinions to myself. Because of fear. This person made me feel scared of who I am, and what my opinions are. That same fear has caused a lot of mistakes and missed opportunities in  my life.  But today, as I am fighting the blues and trying to make my apartment as festive as possible for me and my cats, I am feeling grateful that I pulled myself out of my slump, and I didn't let fear rule over my decisions like I would have done in the past. Today I see that however slow, I am making progress.

Baby Steps

Well, yesterday I went to therapy for the first time in a million years. I had all but given up on therapy, and I was handling my depression pretty well through healthy choices. But I have hit a road block, and lately no amount of healthy living is helping. I feel like Pig Pen from The Peanuts. Except that instead of dirt, it's just sadness floating over my head. My body also feels very heavy, at times almost painful. I can think of different times in my life when I've felt especially depressed but yet still hopeful. Hopeful that at some point things will get better, and for the most part that's happened. But this time, I really have little to no hope.
As I left my appointment, I wanted to call someone and say "I did it", I made myself do it. And I had no one to call, no one to say "wow" "good for you" I don't think therapy will help heal that wound.
I like to fancy myself an open minded person though, so I'm willing to at least try. My attempts at therapy in the past have not really helped. But part of that is because I've been to some terrible therapists, and I've also tried therapy at times when I wasn't really wanting to be healthy. For over two years now that's all I've been striving for. I want to be one of those people who radiates happiness and light. I want to be inspiring to other people.
What I've realized is that even though I no longer drink or smoke cigarettes, all of those feelings and reasons why I did those things are still in me.
And even though I have nothing to do with my adoptive family, they are still very much a part of my life. I have to let go of this anger. It feels so impossible.
Therapy is hard, and it's scary. Opening up to a stranger is hard enough, but opening up those wounds and getting in there and getting dirty is not easy. But I'm starting to believe it's very necessary in order to move on. At least that's what I'm going with for now.