Change is Great!

Yesterday I did something I rarely do. I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror. Like I'm talking my midsection. I'm starting to see signs of some definition! I'm sure it's been there for some time, just underneath the beer blab. I still have a long way to go, but something is happening, changes are being made! What made me happy was less about looking good, and more about seeing that I am on the right path, and I am doing the right thing. For the longest time it felt like nothing was happening with my body, even after cleaning up my diet, increasing exercise and all that. It made it easy to feel tempted to go back to smoking and drinking my problems away. When I was having a bad day, that little voice would creep into my head saying things like"why not have some beer, you're not losing weight without it" And it was sometimes very hard to argue with that voice, because it was true. There are so many weight loss shows where people are dropping weight like mad, or even people online swear by this that or the other, and often make it seem as if it's just super simple. It takes a lot of patience, A LOT.  I'm not looking to be super lean, or to have a six pack or anything like that. I just want to be healthy, and I want to feel like I completely let go of the past.
I feel like all these things I keep making myself do, walking a hill, meditate, go on a ten day potato cleanse, are all working together, and it feels so great. It feels so great to have stuck with these things. I am not the world's most patient person, and I also have a healthy fear of commitment, so this is all new to me. I'm writing this post not only for myself, but in case anyone ever reads this is struggling with making any kind of change, it can be done. I know it's one of the hardest, scariest things you can ever do, and change doesn't come overnight, you will have good and very bad days, but it can happen, and it's amazing. it's amazing to know that you did that. When I see that little muscle definition starting to sprout up, I know that I did that. No one else did that for me.
And change can be hard because not everyone around you will always support you. I think lack of support and encouragement is one of the biggest roadblocks standing in changes way. But I swear the feeling of accomplishing something is better than anything I've ever experienced in my life.
Happy Sunday!

Liquid Confidence

Something I'm learning as I go on this journey to health is that it's not only hard to break old habits like smoking, drinking, etc.  But also all those self loathing thoughts that go on in your head. I've been wondering lately if I will even be able to recognize if I've lost my beer weight. I cannot think of a single time in my life that I've been satisfied with my body. When I finally overcame my eating disorder I put on some weight, and slowly over the years as my drinking increased so did my weight.
We also are weird about people loving themselves. We say that's what we want is for people to love themselves, and be proud and happy, but we also seem to cringe when people come out and say self loving things. I've always wondered about that. I guess there is such a thing as too much love.
I think another one of the many reasons I drank was that after a certain amount of alcohol entered my system, I started feeling better about myself, more confident. The funny thing is I was really looking my worst. Sometimes I miss those nights of liquid confidence.
Some people can almost make it seem as if loving yourself is as easy as just turning on the switch. Maybe it is that easy for some people, maybe they genuinely wake up one day and just decide to love themselves. But it isn't proving to be that easy for me. I see progress for sure, and I have days where I am doing really well, but it's still my natural inclination to be self destructive, and it is hard not being self destructive, and sometimes it just feels like too much work, and I wonder if I will ever get there. And I wonder why it's so hard for some, and so dang easy for others.
Meditation is helping tremendously. It's one of those thins you have to see for yourself. I always believed other people when they talked about the benefits, but I didn't really believe it would help me.
Sometimes I listen to positive affirmations as I'm going to sleep and I'm starting to believe what I say!

Liquid Courage

I went to dinner with a friend one day last week, and the place we went to is pretty small with tables that are very close together. the table next to us had a woman who clearly had a bad day at work, and needed to have some drinks and vent. She was driving me insane because she was just being really loud and very negative, and it was impossible to ignore her. I mentioned to my friend that sometimes I miss my old drinking, sassy self. The old me would have matched this lady drink for drink, and definitely let it be known that I was annoyed. I'm a very non confrontational person which most of the time is fine, but sometimes sober me can be a real wimp, where as drinking me was not afraid to say whatever. I don't really think either extreme is good for me. I want to be a combination of the two. For example, drunk me would have had to do or say something to the lady at the restaurant. Sober me never would, which is the best choice. But there are other situations where I get mad at myself because I know I should have spoken up, but I didn't. For me, alcohol was also a lubricant for all social situations. There's a reason why they call it "liquid courage".
After we left the restaurant I shuddered to myself at how many times I was that lady. How many people I'm sure I annoyed. Alcohol gives you a kind of arrogance that allows you to be as big of a dick as possible, and somehow it's justified, and hilarious.(In your own mind) I can only speak for myself, but it's kind of like drunk Cinderella or something. Once the alcohol wore off, so did the attitude and I was left with a massive hangover, and massive shame, and sometimes guilt. The only thing that cured the shame was more alcohol. Wash, rinse repeat or whatever that saying is. As you can tell, I have a love/hate relationship with my beer soaked past.
I guess figuring out where I fit in without the aid and support of alcohol is what really scares me, and sometimes I yearn for that blissful eff it feeling, even if it is just for a few hours.

Monday Musings

A few years ago I dated a guy who was a real movie and television buff. He was one of those people who talked a movie to death after watching. Sometimes it was charming, sometimes it was beyond annoying. The majority of our time spent together was either going to the movies, or watching movies or television shows, and dissecting them after. Looking back it's yet another of my relationships that really wasn't as fun as I thought at the time. If I didn't like a show or movie that he liked, he always found some sort of way to imply that I wasn't smart/sophisticated/ enough to understand the awesomeness of whatever we had watched. A few times it kind of tricked me into thinking I liked some of these shows or movies. One such show I checked out of the library recently. I got it home, popped the DVD in my laptop, and could not watch more than one episode. I did not like it, and in on the joke or not that is my opinion. I guess I'm kind of continuing Saturday's post. What I'm saying is this is the year I am going to be true to myself and my opinions. I have as much of a right as anyone else to like or not like something.  In the past I've done so many things that aren't me, or watched things that aren't me, it's not funny. I'm starting to learn that to love yourself means you have to be true to who you are, and you have to stand up for yourself. I have stood up for many people and animals in my time, but rarely for myself. It's a lot of work to love yourself, and there is a lot to be learned.
I'm off to meditate. I'm going to look for one that focuses on self acceptance. I definitely feel like meditation has opened up, or maybe just cleared a part of my brain, and I'm just so much more open to change. Like changing the way I handle and deal with certain things, I'm becoming more aware of the fact that I have a choice in how much things affect me. It's becoming something that I feel like I need in my life.A part of my routine, like anything else I do in a day to try to become a happy and healthy person.
Have a wonderful day!

Lofty Goals

One of my goals for 2016 is to allow myself to feel good when I'm feeling good. I realized this morning after my meditation that I am really working hard to be healthy. I am putting in the time and the work, and while I'm far from there, at least I'm getting there. I struggle with allowing other people's negative energy affect me. I can wake up in the best mood ever, and all it takes is for me to be around a few negative Nellies, and my mood is as bad as theirs. But I'm realizing that just like everything else, I have a choice. I don't have to let anyone suck me down to their level. I want to be more secure in who I am, and how I feel about things. I feel like I've been working on myself for over a year now, so it's time to start showing some of the results. It's time to stand up for myself, and feel proud of myself. The meditation practice I chose this morning gave some affirmations, and one of them was to be okay with loving yourself. It's funny, because everyone tells us to love ourselves, but too much love can be frowned upon. I've said I'm proud of myself for one reason or another, and gotten some side-eyes. I'm saying all of this to say that I want to continue to grow as a person, and I want to be proud of the growth, and enjoy the benefits of the work I'm doing. And unfortunately there are always going to be toxic people. I want to try to structure my life going forward so that iIcan avoid toxic people and situations as much as possible, and be able to let the negativity roll off me when I can't avoid them. I want to be the change and all of that. In the past, at times when I was at my lowest I would occasionally experience people who were just glowing with positivity, and I always loved being around them, and felt inspired by them. In their own way they contributed to my current journey.
Happy Saturday!

Back to Reality

After ten days of mourning the loss of my cat Dylan I'm slowly coming back into the world. Grieving is a hard, somewhat strange process, and I don't have a whole lot of experience dealing with it head on. I meditated again today for the first time in ten or so days. I was originally going to start ten minutes in January, but I did five minutes today because that's all I felt up to. Even five minutes was a challenge. I cried through a lot of it. But instead of getting mad at myself, I just accepted that that is where I'm at today. Acceptance seems to be a lesson I'm learning.
After my meditation, I felt lighter somehow, like I had just had a good hour long cry. The kind of cry where you release all of your pain.
This is just a short little post to tell all three of you that read this blog that I am still alive and I had planned on writing about some New Years goals and such, and life just kind of got in the way. It's so good at doing that. So, I'll be posting a better late than never New Years goals and wishes type of post sometime in the very near future.
Happy Wednesday!