Liquid Courage

I went to dinner with a friend one day last week, and the place we went to is pretty small with tables that are very close together. the table next to us had a woman who clearly had a bad day at work, and needed to have some drinks and vent. She was driving me insane because she was just being really loud and very negative, and it was impossible to ignore her. I mentioned to my friend that sometimes I miss my old drinking, sassy self. The old me would have matched this lady drink for drink, and definitely let it be known that I was annoyed. I'm a very non confrontational person which most of the time is fine, but sometimes sober me can be a real wimp, where as drinking me was not afraid to say whatever. I don't really think either extreme is good for me. I want to be a combination of the two. For example, drunk me would have had to do or say something to the lady at the restaurant. Sober me never would, which is the best choice. But there are other situations where I get mad at myself because I know I should have spoken up, but I didn't. For me, alcohol was also a lubricant for all social situations. There's a reason why they call it "liquid courage".
After we left the restaurant I shuddered to myself at how many times I was that lady. How many people I'm sure I annoyed. Alcohol gives you a kind of arrogance that allows you to be as big of a dick as possible, and somehow it's justified, and hilarious.(In your own mind) I can only speak for myself, but it's kind of like drunk Cinderella or something. Once the alcohol wore off, so did the attitude and I was left with a massive hangover, and massive shame, and sometimes guilt. The only thing that cured the shame was more alcohol. Wash, rinse repeat or whatever that saying is. As you can tell, I have a love/hate relationship with my beer soaked past.
I guess figuring out where I fit in without the aid and support of alcohol is what really scares me, and sometimes I yearn for that blissful eff it feeling, even if it is just for a few hours.