Thirty Days of Meditation

Today is December 30th, which means it is day thirty of my meditation challenge. It has been challenging for sure. There have been days where y mind hasn't stopped once, and there have been days that I didn't want to do it, and wanted to just give up. What has kept me going is the rewards I can't deny. I feel calmer overall, and I know it sounds so beyond cliche, but I really do feel more balanced. I feel like I've gotten better at responding, not reacting. I also notice that I'm able to turn around some negative thoughts. I remember one day last week I was going to Target for whatever. I wanted to catch the bus, and as I was walking to the stop, the bus drove on by, and I missed it. I started getting pissed, and frustrated and all of those bad feelings. Prior to this I had been in a pretty good mood. I decided to just walk, it isn't that far, and it wasn't raining, and it wasn't too cold. So just like that the light bulb came on, and I just wasn't pissed anymore. And the brisk walk in the fresh air actually made me feel better, gave me a shot of energy. I had a few situations like that where i just was able to look at the positive. It's like I'm able to acknowledge the negative, but focus on the positive.
I also am also more aware of all that I have to be grateful for. It's so easy to lose track. I'm ashamed to admit how many times I struggled to even think of more than one or two things to be grateful for.
I checked the weather Monday, and grey old Seattle is going to be sunny, as in cloud free sunny for the next five days! And then two more partially cloudy/sunny days before back to the rain! When I first saw that, my very first thought was, 2016 is going to be an amazing year. That is such a good sign to start it off sunny in Seattle! I haven't had faith in a New Year being any better than the last in I don't know how long. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever believed things were going to get better, or that maybe I could find happiness.
I'm continuing on with the meditation challenge. There is just too much evidence that meditation is having a positive impact on my life for me to ignore. Starting Friday January 1st, I will increase my time to ten minutes. I also hope to one day move to silent meditation, but for now I feel like I need the guidance. Maybe for month three I will try silent! It feels so great to have hope, and feel that energetic feeling of change!
Are you planning on any challenges for the new year?

Operation Texas Beer Belly

A line in my book really jumped out at me the other day, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. "Our bodies carry the evidence of our neglect" I've been thinking about that for awhile. If you look at people who are healthy, both physically and mentally, you can tell. But it's not just their faces and bodies, it's something from deep inside them. That's how you can tell the people that are happy deep inside. It's easy to take care of yourself on the outside, but be full of toxicity on the inside. When I was drinking all the time, my choice of beverage was beer. I wasn't the biggest fan of wine, to be honest I only drank wine around other people, when I needed to be more refined I guess. And I never really liked hard alcohol. You know those fancy drinks and people take a sip, and they go oh, I can't taste the alcohol? Well, I can always taste the alcohol. So, beer is definitely not a low calorie food. I am not proud of this, but when my drinking was at it's worst, I could drink over twenty beers in one day. I had one stretch of forty eight straight hours of drinking beer and no sleep. It sounds so sick now, but at the time I was proud! And I worked at a bar, so I was surrounded by people who thought nothing of my drinking. I"m saying all of this to say that even though It's been over three years since I lived that way, all of that beer weight has not left my gut. It is a constant reminder of how I used to live, or the total lack of neglect.
So, one of my goals, or resolutions for the New Year is to lose this gut once and for all. It's time to really say goodbye to those days. I don't know how I'm going to go about it exactly but I know that I don't feel a need to have a perfect "lean" body, The vegan YouTube community has really made me kind of loathe and dread the word lean. I just want my body to be even, and if I carry a few extra pounds that's fine, but lets have it be a little more evenly distributed please. I don't want to look like a man who spends every happy hour downing dollar Budweisers!
This is the first time in years I've cared enough about myself to make a commitment like this. When I was drinking all the time, I knew I was gaining weight, but vanity unfortunately could not overpower my need to numb my feelings. I also just chose defiance. I was a liberated, modern woman who wasn't trying to impress anyone, and I had spent too many of my years obsessing over my weight, now it was my turn to say screw it. Except that deep down I did care. But enough beer would make that inner voice of reason run for the hills.
I've never tried to lose weight or anything in a normal, healthy way. My life has been kind of restriction, or full on gluttony. Not so much now, now I feel like I have my eating in check, but the beer pudge is just beyond stubborn. Maybe I will just step up my cardio, I haven't decided. But it feels so good to be in this head space where I feel like I and my life is worth it!
I'll be back this week to give a full list of my goals for the fresh New Year!

Smile

I was writing in my journal today, and I saw a quote that I had written down the other day. I write down any quote that means anything to me. I don't remember where it came from, but it's a good one.
"Let your smile change the world, but never let the world change your smile." Something to remember. Letting the world change my smile is a very big fear of mine.
I was talking about rearranging my furniture the other day and I did change my living room. I'm a minimalist so it was really just moving a futon and a bookshelf, but change is change. I have been feeling a little more inspired. I don't know if it's Feng Shui or what, but I like it, and once the felines got over the indignation of things changing, I think they like it too. I've even started thinking of some resolutions, or goals for the New Year. I haven't done that in a million years!
Once I have my list done, I will of course write about it! It's exciting to think in a more positive way. It's a nice club I'm very happy to be a member of. It's taken a lot of work to get her, and it feels good but weird. And putting it out there makes it real, and holds me accountable. It's super easy to have lofty goals, and but lose interest when it comes time to put in the work. Back when I was living a very unhealthy life, I used to kind of get a giggle out of people who swore by positive affirmations. I would try to stand in front of the mirror and say whatever affirmation, and I would just feel so awkward, and like I was totally wasting my time. I wonder why they never helped me back then? So, that old cynical me is probably gagging, but I think the positive affirmations I've been listening to at night have really been working with the meditation to get to that part of my brain that no antidepressant, alcohol, street drug or therapist could get to. Things only work when you believe, and allow them to work. Nothing huge has happened, but there is a shift I can feel.
I hope everyone is having an amazing Saturday.

More Musings

For me my eating disorder, alcohol, and cigarettes were a way for me to stuff my feelings, think about and focus on something other than what was really bothering me. They were all a relief. Since giving up on them all, I still haven't found a healthy equivalent for those really bad times. This last week I have really wanted to both drink and smoke cigarettes. The urge to have those friends back in my life to release some of my feelings is just so strong. Yesterday I was waiting for the bus, and some lady was smoking next to me, and while the smell repulsed me as it always does, I also had a very strong urge to bum one, or offer to buy one, those things aren't cheap. It's just that release. Or maybe I feel a need to abuse myself. I don't know. It's all this stuff that's so hard to figure out. When you give up what you were addicted to, you're still left with all of the feelings inside that led you to your addiction in the first place.
The important thing is that I have not given in to my urges. I am breathing through it, and reminding myself that I like the way I feel now, both physically and mentally. When I trudge up that damn hill when I so didn't want to, the feeling I get is a high no drug has ever given me. Pride is like an all day high. It's genuinely not alcohol or nicotine that I crave, it's the escape. I think wanting to escape is something everyone can relate to. I remember when I was still smoking, but trying to quit, I read an article that said what most people struggle with is the psychological addiction to smoking. That makes so much sense. I walked by a group of people standing outside of their job yesterday, all huddled around smoking. I miss that camaraderie. Sometimes you have really cool conversations with people you normally might never talk to huddling outside smoking. Not that you can't have those same convos in other situations, but a shared love of a substance that is so frowned upon nowadays is a real ice-breaker!
Sometimes I also wonder if I've lost some of my spark since going all healthy. I feel like I'm a much more pleasurable person to  be around now, but my social life would tell a different story.
I mentioned the other day that I'm working on deciding what I want this blog to be, or if I want it to be anything. Tomorrow I am having a mental organization day, and I'm going to make some lists, and goals and all of that stuff. I really want to write more in-depth about some of the stuff I'm trying to sort out. I think it will be hugely beneficial for me, and it might help someone else. Even if it's just to let someone know they aren't alone, or crazy.
If you are celebrating today, I hope it's warm and filled with love. And, if you're not celebrating, I still hope your day is filled with love and warmth.

Musings

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I've Got the Power!

I braved the crowds and went to Target yesterday. The things you do when you have cats and they poop a lot! I also have been hitting the La Croix pretty hard, and Target has the best flavors. So, I made it in and out all in one piece, only to have a an energy vampire force her way into my life! I was waiting for the bus, lost in my own thoughts when a woman comes up and asks me if the bus is due. Now, keep in mind less than two feet away from where I'm standing there is a schedule, but I tell her yes, it was due at whatever time. It was a few minutes late, so she notes that fact in a very disgusted voice. I wanted to point out that it was to her benefit that the bus was running late, because she had just gotten there, but I didn't want to encourage more conversation. I've been around the block, and I know her type. They will relentlessly talk about every little thing that is wrong with everything, and slowly suck the life right out of you. It's times like this I wish I had headphones, or earbuds. This is the price you pay when you need to be able to hear the killer. So, after she gripes about the bus being late, she proceeds to tell me how a state patrolman was killed last night, and she's very suspicious because it isn't mentioned in the paper, not sure how she knows about it, but I'm guessing she owns a police scanner. I've never know someone to own a police scanner who isn't a bit, let's say eccentric. I had relatives who lived in the boonies and listened to a police scanner and they were some strange relatives. She was just so miserable! It all continued as we got on the bus, all of her ranting turned into her stating that she is convinced there are many bus drivers who are "on the pot". And she is sure that they don't get drug tested, which in Seattle pot isn't illegal, so not sure what her point is there, but I was just hoping that the guy who was driving the bus we were on couldn't hear her! I was so happy when my stop came! She was one example of one of my biggest fears. I don't ever want to become that miserable to where all I can do is focus on the negative, and I just absolutely do not see Joy in anything. I always wonder what those kind of people were like as children, before life did whatever it did to them. They always have a face lined with wrinkles, but not laugh lines or any kind of just natural aging, it's always these hard, angry, deep wrinkles from just being pissed all of your life. When I was bartending I saw A LOT of those types of people. I think the holiday season brings out the worst of this behavior.
So, to bring my long winded story back to meditation, I noticed that as soon as i stepped off of the bus, breathed in some fresh air, I was able to shake off the bad energy. By the time I crossed the street and enterd my building, it was just something that happened, not something that altered my mood for the rest of the day. I am giving meditation all of the credit for this one. Not letting people suck me into the negative zone is something that has been an uphill battle for me. This is the first time I can ever think of where I shook it off so quickly and easily. This experience alone tells me that meditation is something I need to continue. I feel like I have acquired a superpower.
Hopefully all of these healthy habits I'm picking up will not only continue to help protect my energy from getting sucked, but also they will continue to help me feel good so I don't become what I fear!
How are you at dealing with miserable energy vampires?

Trying To Get a Spark!

So  I've been reading my book and the pressure is on to finish it because I don't think I will be able to renew it since there was such a long waiting list. I think I have to buy this book because it isn't one I want to rush through. It's one that I want to sit with. It's hitting painfully close to home, so it's both comforting and uncomfortable for me to read. I guess I should mention the book, that might help! It's called Blackout- Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget written by Sarah Hepola. Considering that there were 150 names ahead of me on the waiting list for this book, I would say it's hitting home for a lot of people. This book is really helping me be more forgiving of myself. I have a lot of guilt for wasting so much of my life drinking beer. I feel guilt for abusing myself that way, and I feel ashamed of pretty much EVERY decision I made while drinking. And like the author, I have huge chunks of my life that I will never ever remember. To be honest, I probably would be horrified if I did remember. Since I've stopped drinking, I haven't really ever talked about my drinking days in detail. I mention my hard drinking past, but that's pretty much it. Most of the reason is no one ever asks about it, but also I feel shy to talk about a lot of it because of fear of judgment. I made many bad choices, and some of those bad choices include extreme bad choices in men, and bad decisions when it comes to sex. People say they don't judge, but most do. They don't judge as long as you say what they think you should say. Reading this book is inspiring me to want to talk more openly about my past, because maybe I could help, or bring healing to someone the way this boom is helping me. I feel like we need more sharing and less judgment in this world. Anyway, I've been thinking about the direction I want to take this second blog, since I spend very little time bitching about my ex, which is good. Maybe I'll give it a little face lift and direction for the new year.
I'm rearranging my living room today in hopes that I spark some creativity. I've been in a little bit of a slump. Hopefully this will shake out some cobwebs and inspire me for the New Year!
I can't recommend this book enough. Even if you've never had an issue with drinking, it's so well written, and it's about much more than just drinking.
Happy Saturday!

Laughs and Stuff

                                          
Have you seen this video? It is absolutely hysterical! My favorite part is when the guy says "we used to eat our food, now we just take pictures of it" I almost fell over laughing! I am not that into Instagramming, and even I sometimes think, I just want to eat my damn food, it's going to be cold soon! I've been in a bit of a holiday funk, so laughs are greatly appreciated right now. The thing about feeling blue around the holidays is there is just NO ESCAPE. If your in your own home, reading a book your safe, but other than that just deal with it. And some of the Christmas songs are seriously sad! The other day I was in a store and got teary eyed! All it took was that one tear and the emotions were turned on! I almost cried on the bus going home, it was a whole thing. I'm usually able to hold in the waterworks in public, but I guess it's that time of year.  Maybe I'll get visited by some ghosts this year, because there was a time when I loved the holidays, but that part of me was lost a long time ago.
Before we get to dark, I am happy to report that I had a much easier time meditating today. I did a guided meditation focusing on reducing anxiety. I actually stayed in silence and with no racing thoughts for a few minutes after the video was over. Pretty much the opposite of  the past couple of days. I would say today was probably the most focused I've been. I'm glad I didn't give up! Since I'm extending my challenge another month, I think I might try silent meditation for January. That is really my ultimate goal. Although right now I feel like I need the guidance, sometimes they are too chatty, or they talk too fast, and it gets irritating which is obviously not what your supposed to feel when your meditating! My best advice to anyone wanting to get in the habit of meditating is patience, patience, patience. No one is perfect, and there are just some days when your mind just won't quiet. Meditation is a good thing, and a good, kind habit so don't beat yourself up if it takes some time. The deeper I get in the pool of healthy choices and living, the more I understand progress not perfection.

Rough

So, day sixteen of my meditation challenge. Yesterday and today were really tough. Very hard time focusing, and very hard time fighting off negative thoughts. I've also been a little more emotional than usual, so I'm trying to work on my patience with myself. Since yesterday was so tough, I tried putting on positive affirmations to fight off negative thoughts last night as I fell asleep. This is the point where I would usually call it a day, and figure that meditation is just not for me. But if I did that I would be robbing myself. This kind of sums up my life so far. So many things I gave up on because I hit a roadblock. I've skipped writing in my journal for the last few days for whatever reason, but it will be interesting to look back on this challenge. It might be like one of my favorite genres of movie- the sappy movie! You know, the kind where there is one big overall lesson, but along the way many small life lessons were learned, and we all come out a better person. I always wanted my Hollywood ending, ha!
The book about blacking out that I'm reading is really hitting me hard in the feelings place. I feel a connection with the author, and so a lot of the stories and her feelings feel very familiar to me. It's is both comforting, and off putting at the same time. I don't talk a lot to people about my heavy drinking days, because no one has really ever seemed interested, and I'm not really proud of how much of my life has been spent in a drunken haze. So, this book is really bringing up stuff that I thought I had shoved wayyyy down. It's good though, dealing with is good, shoving is bad. Shoving stuff down is what first drove me to drink!
Anyway, I just wanted to give a meditation update. Still going, maybe not so strong, but still pushing ahead. I have visualized the life i want, and I want it bad! I was hoping to move up to ten minutes this week, but maybe that will be my goal for next week.
How's your week going?

Just Some More Meditation Stuff!

I stumbled across this video and found it to be interesting. I had already decided to extend my meditation challenge for another month, and after watching this I am definitely convinced. I've mentioned that I've already noticed some changes happening naturally, such as more patience, and an easier time not beating myself up. Well, yesterday I had to have a conversation with my ex about things that are still tangled. You know how it goes. Anyway, I was a ball of nerves because "talks" NEVER go well with us. Lack of communication was one of many problems with us. And he is not a pleasant person to have any kind of disagreement/ battle of the wills.  And I will be the first to admit that I feed into it because it gets under my skin, I start getting upset and pissed, and it's just a mess. But yesterday our talk was short and to the point, and I kept my cool. I just felt like I didn't want to let anyone get me all riled up. I guess I'm starting to actually believe that I have some say in my life! Ha!
Not much else to say today, I have a bit of a headache, and I need to think of something to cook for myself that is both super easy, but also super nutritious. Think, think think!
Happy Monday!

Reading to Remember

I finished reading One Last Thing Before I Go yesterday morning. A lot of tears were shed reading that book. Most were sad tears, but a fair amount were tears from laughing so hard. This book was gut wrenching in the best way. And I both loved and hated the way it ended, and I'm still thinking about it, which is a good thing. This is a book that I must own, because I feel like it's one of those that you read more than once.
I battled the wind and the rain and returned my old books and picked up some new books. Library day has always been one of my favorite days.

Library haul!

I've already started reading Blackout Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget. When I put my name on the waiting list, there were one hundred and fifty names ahead of me! I have never ever known a waiting list to be that long! It makes me feel better in some weird way to know that many people want to read this book. I assume not everyone who reads it ever had a problem with blackouts themselves, but i also assume a lot do. It makes me feel less alone. And I'm interested to read about how she learns to live as a sober person.
I know for myself when I was drinking, I always had friends and people waiting to do stuff, and I feel like I had conversations with people who actually were interested in what I was saying. I definitely don't feel that way sober. I've wondered if I'm boring now. When you feel any kind of social awkwardness, alcohol can be your fairy Godmother. Some of my wittiest comments have been nudged out by alcohol. Right now she's delving into blackouts, and not only am I relating, but I'm learning too. I'm constantly being reminded of how lucky I am that my body has made it, and I'm not dead, or a total burnout. Anyway, I'm only on the first chapter, so I will write more as I read more. I think it's going to be an important read.
I'm off to meditate now. All of these good decisions feels so right and so wrong and weird at the same time!
Happy Sunday!

Things I'm Learning

Today is day twelve of my meditation challenge. I've been feeling really great, up until yesterday. I just got in a funk yesterday and I couldn't pull myself out of it. I didn't even have my usual morning cry, I wasn't feeling emotional or grumpy or anything. At some point in the later morning I just couldn't fight the funk. It was reminding me of the old days when depression would really take a hold of me. In the end, I think I was fighting off some kind of bug, and so that drained all of my energy. It was a scary feeling. I also did a shoulder opening yoga practice, and one of the poses was called camel, and the instructor said not to be surprised if a lot of emotion comes out. I've had that happen a lot with different hip opening postures, because they say we store our unwanted feelings in our hips. One yoga instructor said"think of your hips an an emotional junk drawer. I guess it makes sense, we hold tension in our neck and shoulders. Anyway, this whole listening to the body is really so interesting to me. To go from ignoring everything and just being full blown abusive to myself, to paying attention in camel pose is weird in a good way. All of those drinking and smoking years, I was doing yoga, and I'm sure it was doing some good, but not much because I was really just going through the motions.
Something I've really noticed is that even when I have a day where my mind will not simmer down, and I feel like I wasted the five minutes of meditation time, when I open my eyes I still feel refreshed. And I am noticing real improvements in my life. I am feeling like I'm gaining more patience, and I am seeing the brighter side of life, and I'm definitely feeling more and more gratitude. Everyone is different, so I can't say wow, everyone should meditate, it will change your life! I don't know if it would change everyone's life. But I can say if you have been curious about meditation, and have been intimidated, I say try it. Even if you're having a hard time focusing, just make yourself sit there with your eyes closed for at least the time of your meditation practice. I say if you are open to it, try it and be patient and consistent! It won't be much help if you try once and give up, and try again in six months. Trust me, been there done that. Like over and over.
Happy Saturday!

Adding Affirmations to the Mix

Yesterday I tried a different type of guided meditation. I don't know if it's actually considered guided, but it had you close your eyes, and listen and focus on a bell and just when you would hear the last little sound, the bell would toll again. I struggled hard core with this one. For me, I feel like I either need a voice guiding me, or silence. One thing I really notice is even when I really struggle, when I'm done and I first open my eyes, I always feel rested, like I took a really satisfying nap. I feel like that alone is reason to go on. I'm no expert, but clearly there are health benefits to meditation, even when your barely focusing!
The other day I had a cup of Yogi tea, and the little tags quote said "The voice of your soul is breath." I found that to be very fitting with the meditation challenge. Sometimes it's easy to forget how good a nice long deep breath feels.
For the past two nights, I've been listening to positive affirmations before I go to sleep. I never thought I was a positive affirmation type of person, but I guess I was wrong. I noticed yesterday morning I felt a little peppier, and a little more optimistic, so I listened again last night, and ditto for this morning. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm open to the benefits. In the past I thought stuff like this was for other people. I thought stuff like this could never help me.Nothing can help you if you don't allow it.
I barely know who I am this week, and it feels great. It feels so great to be open to changing my life. I like this feeling of optimism. And I'm feeling other benefits, like I'm feeling a little more confident and a little less socially awkward. To be honest it feels great to be dealing with the after math of a break-up in a healthy way, instead of drinking and smoking myself to death. I feel like the chipper character in one of my beloved Rom-Coms!

Good Vibe Tuesday!

Patience is something that I struggle with. I never realized how little patience I had until recently. Over the last few days I've noticed that I'm very conscience of that, and I've been able to catch myself several times and easily talk myself out of getting super irritated. It's such a waste of energy some of the little things. I almost have laughed at myself a few times for the little things I was getting worked up over. I really think guided meditation is helping me to be more mindful. Or healthier, I don't know which, but who cares because it's working! Even though I am still struggling with being able to focus for the whole five minutes, I'm still wanting to do it every morning because i can feel it working. At weird times too. Like this morning before i even got out of bed I was thinking about how positive I felt, and I had this feeling I can't describe, because I've never had it before, but it's like a glow-y energy feeling. I'm starting to actually believe that maybe I can create the life i want to live. Maybe I don't have to be a servant, sorry server or some other job that makes me want to jump off a bridge, maybe life can be more. I've never really believed that for myself before. It's scary and weird to even be typing these words, but it's also pretty amazing. The longer this challenge goes on, the more I'm seeing how powerful meditation can be. And I'm doing a measly five minutes, half of which I'm fighting with my brain to simmer down! I used to think you had to meditate for hours, and that was always what scared me to be honest. I really recommend trying to make yourself try. I just checked, and there are even one and two minute guided meditations!
Something else that has been making me happy is this book that I'm reading by Jonathan Tropper. It's called One last thing before I go and it is making me laugh, it's made me cry, I love it. Even though the main character is a man, I as a woman can still relate to a lot, and having dated men, it's helped me understand some past relationships a little more. Jonathan Tropper wrote the book This is where I leave you which was turned into a movie by the same name. I loved the movie almost as much as the book! He has this way of writing about damaged people that allows you to see their flaws, understand what a dick they are, but still also see the good in them, and understand why they made some of the choices they did. It's really beautiful. These characters seem real, like people I have met, and will meet. It's a book that I want to hurry up and finish, but at the same time I never want it to end. If you have a holiday vacation coming up, I recommend this book. It's both a light read, and a book that makes you feel and think.
Happy Tuesday!

Mental Health

I was reading this article, and it really inspired me to talk about my own battle with depression.  It's something I've dealt with for a majority of my life. I think it's always with me, but it seems easier to control sometimes, and other times I feel like it might take over. I'm not going to get into all of the gory details, because there are so many, but let's just say that I've made a few serious suicide attempts, my first at age fifteen, and I've seen my share of psychiatric wards. None good, all bad. I do not like psychiatrists, and I know it is not good or fair to judge, as I don't know all of the psychiatrists, but I have seen enough to feel okay about not liking an entire group. I also have never met a therapist who I've been able to connect with, and feel like they can actually help. Since I don't have health insurance and never have as an adult, I have always had to pay out of my pocket for therapists, and just no.I also have known a few therapists personally, and they are just human like the rest of us, and sometimes they are not living the most  calm lives themselves. I was very turned off from therapists during my eating disorder days, it was hard for me to listen to someone tell me how to feel and to cope when they have never struggled with depression or an eating disorder. I have been on so many different anti-depressants I can't name them all.
If you went back and asked co-workers and people I was casually friends with, they would probably feel shocked to hear how much I've struggled with depression. I've always been very good at masking it. I can put on a happy face like no other.
One of the reasons I started my meditation challenge is because I have been feeling myself sinking a little lower than I would like. I've learned to manage my depression, and I know certain foods that I need to eat/drink and what types of things I need to do to handle my depression, and not let it rule my life. But lately, it hasn't been so easy. I'm feeling all of these things, and I have all of these thoughts, and while my feline family are the best listeners ever, they don't give a lot of feedback. So, I feel like meditation with some other affirmations I'm doing will do nothing but help. Don't worry, no suicidal thoughts, just that heavy depressed feeling. The holidays don't tend to help.
Depression is not something to be ashamed of, it doesn't have to have control over you, and it certainly doesn't make you a weak person. I wish I would have really understood this years ago. I used to feel so ashamed of it, and never wanted to admit that I was depressed, or lonely or whatever. I'm not ashamed anymore because I'm still here, and I am healing myself from the inside. I'm not masking it with pills or booze or anything. I mean, I'm hardly even reading celebrity gossip anymore!
If anyone is ever interested, I could write for days about my experiences with bulimia and depression. I certainly could write at least one novel! But, if anyone wants to hear more let me know. Sometimes it's helped me hearing about someones experiences with similar battles. It helps to not feel so alone. And sometimes even if you're not ready to start healing, it can give you a nudge in the right direction.

Kicking and Screaming

Today was another one of those days that more than anything, I did not want to walk up that damn hill! It was raining pretty hard, and sometime in the last few days I've lost my hat, and ugh, I just didn't want to do it! But, for awhile I was accepting the excuses, and I promised myself, so I did it! Today was another one of those days that was really important for me to make myself do it. I also was not wanting to meditate. I just felt like I wouldn't be able to concentrate. Isn't it funny the excuses and bargaining tricks we use on ourselves? I was saying to myself that since I forced myself up the hill, maybe I could skate on the meditation. It's like inner me is a five year old child trying to get out of something, and I'm having to be my own parent and set rules and boundaries!
I'm glad I forced myself to meditate, because I discovered someone who I had never heard of. Her name is Susanne Kempken. I did her five minute morning meditation for positive energy. I really enjoyed it, and she described a glowing yellow ball of positive energy, and it was so easy for me to visualize this, because I kind of visualize glowing energy a lot. She has a very pleasant, soothing voice, and I liked her style. I figured I will pass on people's names as I go, in case other people are interested in starting a practice. With recent world events, and it being the holidays, everyone could probably use a little more zen in their day.
I feel like by forcing myself to do these things, it's like I'm forcing myself to love and be kind to me. That might sound crazy, but that's how it feels. Back when I was smoking cigarettes, I would still step out in the nasty ass rain and smoke a cigarette, and not even give it a second thought. But with this hill, I try and let the rain be an excuse. Or, I'll try and tell myself I don't have time for the hill or to meditate for five lousy minutes, but I never thought twice about taking five to ten minutes for a cigarette any chance I could get. It's too bad that harming myself comes so much easier than healthy, loving habits!
I hope everyone has a calm and groovy Sunday!

Day Five- Grogginess

Although I'm still as down as I was yesterday, today's meditation was much easier for me to get through and focus. I did a guided meditation focusing on gratitude. Every day I feel grateful that my body is still here and as strong as it is considering the abuse I put it through. This might sound silly, but one of the reasons i often walk instead of taking the bus is because I always think what if one day for whatever reason I can't walk, or can't walk as easily, I don't want to think back to all of the times when I could have walked and didn't. And walking is so much better now that I got rid of the cigs. Sometimes I catch myself when I'm going at a brisk pace just being blown away by how wonderful it is to breathe. and how amazing it feels to not be out of breath!
I've mentioned a million times that patience is definitely not something I was born with, or taught. I feel like this meditation challenge is really helping me to be patient with myself. I'm working on not berating myself for a wandering mind. That's why they call it a meditation practice. Same with yoga, I am practicing every day to improve. This has been much more interesting than drinking my problems away, and much healthier.
My yogi teabag gave me a quote that is very fitting for this current challenge. "Live through consciousness, not through emotion" Something for me to strive for, and meditation should help. I'm the first to admit that A LOT of my life's decisions have been made from my emotions. Some good, some bad.
Today when I came out of the meditation, I felt groggy and kind of out of it, where as usually I feel somewhat energized. So interesting!
Happy Saturday!

Hulking Through the Roadblock

On Wednesday when I was doing my meditation, at some point I pictured myself radiating love from my heart and sending it to the world. It was a powerful moment, I really saw myself sending this energy out. I wish so much that I had super powers, and could make the love so strong that it simply overpowers all of the hatred going on. I had a very hard time meditating today. The guided meditation I chose had loud waves in the background, which I was supposed to focus on, and it was too loud, and I couldn't hear what the guy was telling me to do, and it was really irritating me. I love the sound of waves, and I tried to see myself by the water, and it just wasn't working. The last two minutes the guy stopped talking, and had us (me) just listen to the sound of the waves, and sit there, and with eyes close, and when you hear a bell you're done. As I mentioned yesterday, I've been surprised at how fast five minutes has gone by, but today wow, I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. Longest two minutes ever. At first I thought I just didn't like this particular style, but I think it was me. I have had kind of a tough week emotionally, and I am having a very heavy heart over recent world events. I'm just so sad, and it's so weird that every where I look it's pretty lights, and Jolly Old St. Nick, and cheer, cheer, cheer, but away from those lights is a very different world. It's almost creepy.
I didn't mean to get off on a tangent, I was saying all of that to say that I think when you are starting out with anything new, it's not always going to be easy. There are always going to be things in our way. I guess life is kind of like an obstacle course. I know that people who have a strong meditation practice can clear their mind and meditate anytime, anywhere. Today meditating was like that hill, I didn't want to do it, but dammit I did it anyway. I did notice that it was at least easier today to not judge myself and berate myself for not really being able to focus. That's one of the reasons I've always given up on meditation in the past. I get mad at myself, and just figure that it's yet another thing that I just can't do. So, if meditation can continue to help me be less judge-y with myself, that is a huge help, and worth doing it every day whether I like it or not. This is definitely one of the more educational challenges I've given myself in quite awhile.
I hope everyone has a safe, and love filled day!

Meditation Day Two, Tissue Please!

I had a very interesting experience today while doing my five minute meditation. I cried pretty violently through some of it. Like I said yesterday, I've dabbled with meditation here and there throughout the years, and Had never experienced that. But, at one point I was getting frustrated with myself, and the person guiding the meditation said something about not judging your feelings, and to just let them be, and to kind of float over them. I actually felt myself floating above everything. I even had a moment where I pictured myself floating, and I  was with all kinds of animals and it was so amazing because we we all safe and the animals had no fear. It was pretty amazing. It seemed like a lot happened in five minutes, and I was very shocked at how fast that five minutes went. I don't know how to describe how I felt when I came out of it, but I felt very different than I had five minutes ago.
I have stuffed a lot of issues and pain over the years, so this doesn't really surprise me. I wanted to make sure I wasn't doing anything wrong, because when you see people meditate, they always look like the exact definition of serene. I had a very hard time clearing my head also The best I could do was let the thoughts pass through. I came across this article, and it explained a lot to me, and I thought I would pass on the information in case anyone else has this issue. I think the important thing is like everything else, it takes time and patience. I know that for me, I need to face this pain and deal with it if I actually want to be happy. It's been weighing me down, and helping me make bad choices for too long. So, I'm going to keep working on this, because something is happening, I can already feel it!
I saw this quote on a YouTube video, and it really stuck with me. I've been writing it every day in my journal. "We accept the love we think we deserve" Pretty powerful. It explains so much of my life and relationships I've allowed up to this point.
Is meditation a part of your life, or do you want it to be?

Meditate to Manifest

As I've been cutting down on my gossip reading, I've tried filling that time with more positive hobbies. Like reading an actual book instead of  Perez Hilton, and getting back into meditation. I've flirted with meditation in the past, and gone through phases where I've done it almost daily, but it's never become a part of my life. I always feel like I'm not a real yogi, because meditation is not something that I do, and it hasn't been something I've made a priority. I have been doing five minute guided meditations for the past two days, and today I tried a fifteen minute guided meditation that lost me after eight minutes or so. It's like anything else, you have to work on it, and improve over time. I want to see if it can help clear up some of my bad feelings that I have shoved down, and not dealt with. People don't overindulge in whatever bad habit for no reason. It's to mask or cover things and feelings that are difficult to deal with. So, guided meditation is a lot cheaper than therapy! I've decided just now that i am doing a thirty day meditation challenge! I will be meditating every day from December first(today) till December thirty first. I guess I'm doing a thirty one day challenge! Anyway, I will be writing down in my journal how I feel each day after meditating, and see if it has helped lighten my emotional load a little. I also looked a little into manifestation this weekend, and that's something I'm trying to slowly incorporate into my life. Baby steps though, I feel like meditation is the first step.
I'm very interested, do you meditate, has it improved your life, do you practice manifesting?
I'll be keeping track of my progress in my journal, and here, so if anyone is curious, check back!
If anyone is interested in taking part in this challenge, we can all talk about it here, I would love to discuss how it is working, do we feel different, is it hard, etc. I think support is awesome, and I think the more of us getting in touch with our inner light the better!

Setbacks

I'm very disappointed in myself. The last day that I walked up the hill was either last Thursday, or Friday. Saturday I walked to a store to get kitty litter and such, so I just counted that as my "walk". But, the point of me walking this hill isn't so much about the exercise as it is making myself do something even when it's super tough. Honoring my commitments. Seattle has had an unusual week to week and a half. It's been getting down to like twenty eight degrees at night! I'm having a hard time dealing with the cold. I was prepared for the grey, constant drizzle of winter, fall, and spring in Seattle, but I thought I left the below zero temps behind me. I loathe the rain, but for whatever reason I can force myself to go do the hill, but the last day that I walked the hill it was so cold it hurt to breathe. I was miserable. I didn't feel the rush of good energy I usually feel when I got home. It was a bust. I told myself this weekend that Monday was the day that no matter what I was getting it together and getting back on track. Well, it didn't happen today, and it's not going to happen. It's still below freezing, and it's grey and gloomy. I'm feeling flashbacks to living in Erie. I looked at the weather, and according to the webz, starting tomorrow we're getting back to normal Seattle winter weather. Grey, rainy and forty to fifty degrees.
In the past, I would let a setback like this kind of make me give up. Or maybe just use the setback as an excuse to give up. But I'm not doing that this time. And I'm trying to not allow myself to verbally assault myself because of this setback. I started to bash myself earlier, and I made myself stop. It's okay to have setbacks. I think even the most accomplished, vibrant people have setbacks. But a setback isn't an excuse to just stop trying.
I'm glad that I'm not just using this blog as a place to vent about my ex, or exes. The day that I started it was a day fraught with emotion over "D", and I needed to figure some stuff out. I still do need to figure a lot of stuff out, but I'm glad it's evolved into so much more than crying over a guy. Not that I don't do that, but I feel like for once a lot of learning is happening on my part because I'm allowing myself to sit in  my feelings, not drink them away.
Look out hill, I'm not done with you yet!

Black Friday Indeed

I used to love the holiday season. Never really Thanksgiving for a host of reasons, but I was festive from black Friday on! I used to work at a Gap in a mall(!!) and I always LOVED working on black Friday! I loved the hustle and bustle, and I loved how people were shopping for gifts and they were just so happy about it! I loved going to work every single day during the holiday season.
This was however back when we hadn't lost our damn minds, and stores weren't open on Thanksliving, and on black Friday I didn't have to go to work at midnight or four in the morning, or whatever other nonsense is going on. I think maybe we opened one or two hours early, no big deal.
It seems in the last ten years or so every year it gets worse. And we are not only okay with it, we camp out at these stores, and fight each other for whatever crap that we probably don't need. And it seems like the majority of people are shopping for themselves anyway, so let's just keep it real, there is no festive holiday spirit about black Friday. To me, it is a day shrouded in blackness.
I've been saying for several years that before long life will be like the Christmas Tree Store. It will be Christmas all year, with stores teasing us with how low they're going to go this year.
I feel so bad for the people who work at all of these places who either don't bother to close on Thanksgiving, or open at two p.m, or eleven p.m. or whatever ridiculous time they decide. Every year I keep hoping to hear that sales have massively dropped, and maybe it's time to rethink these hours. But no, every year more and more people crowd to the stores, and fight each other over stuff. It makes me so sad, and unfortunately it's only November twenty seventh, and I'm over it. I have no feeling of wonderment, and I don't see the beauty of the season anymore. I see consumerism at it's absolute worst, we just dress it up with a bow and the story of a baby and call it a holiday.

One is Not The Lonliest Number

A little while after moving to Seattle, I got my hair trimmed. Actually I got my hair cut. Like six inches. It was pretty noticeable. My ex never noticed, and even when I pointed it out, he didn't have the courtesy of saying it looked nice. Isn't that boyfriend/husband 101? If you get busted not noticing, at least compliment? I also mentioned once that I was starting to see a little definition in my abs under all the beer flub, and again nothing. I kind of chided him for not saying anything nice, supportive, encouraging, whatever, and he responded by saying "you know that stuff doesn't matter, I accept you at any size." It was a double whammy- no compliment for you, and I'm going to make you feel shallow for wanting one. I think for me it's less about a compliment, and more about support and encouragement. Especially because living, or trying to live a healthy, balanced life is still relatively new to me, and I still sometimes feel tempted by my old ways. Isn't that supposed to be one of the benefits of being in a relationship, support? I have always believed it's less lonely to be alone, than to be surrounded by people who could care less. My last relationship did nothing but reinforce that opinion.
I don't want to come off as cynical, or anti relationship. I love being in a loving relationship, and i love the feeling of being in love, and feeling loved, and all of these things. Romantic comedies are one of my favorite types of movies, the cheesier the better! But, my life hasn't been like a romantic comedy, well it has but only the jerky bad parts, and over the years I've learned to welcome the fact that I am an introvert, and not fight it. When I was younger, if i wasn't hanging out with a guy, or going out or doing something with "friends", I just felt like i must be the biggest loser, blah blah balh. I'm sure we've all been there! I also used to beat myself up for not having a boyfriend, or dates, or any of that stuff. But somewhere along the way, I realized that I love, and need to live alone. I feel very strongly that if I ever got married, I would want to still keep my own place for refuge. I've lived alone for so long, that I just can't imagine co-existing. I love that I can take up all the space in the bathroom, and leave my lotions and potions everywhere! And that's just one example.
This is just a rambling post. My mind is buzzing from reading this book, and I am feeling like I'm on the cusp of figuring some things out. Things that are long overdue.
I want to sign off with this quote that really struck me." If you haven't had at least a slight poetic crack in the heart, you have been cheated by nature."- Phyllis Battelle

The Best Day!

Yesterday was such a gorgeous sunny, barely a cloud in the sky kind of day, and here in Seattle that has been a rarity. The last few days were sunny, and boy did I need it. I lived in Seattle before for around eleven or twelve years, but I really never did get used to the grey and rain. I was starting to feel like I might need to buy some St. John's Wort or something! I went to my absolute all time favorite neighborhood in Seattle, Ballard. If you ever come to visit Seattle, you have to check out Ballard. I lived in a lot of neighborhoods in Seattle before, and I didn't always feel like I fit in with the vibe, but Ballard is one part where I have always felt the warm and fuzzies. It has a ton of cool bars/pubs/microbreweries, and all kinds of restaurants. There is a place on market street(the best street) that has a tiny little Vietnamese restaurant where I had my very first Banh Mi sandwich, and fell madly in love. They also have some really delicious lemongrass tofu, and several noodle dishes that are to die for. Ballard also has my favorite Trader Joe's in Seattle, and the best library, and all kinds of shops. It has gotten a little gentrified while I was away, so a lot of the shops are too pricey for me. I went into one of the clothing shops yesterday and I almost died at the prices. But all in all it was just what I needed. There were so many families, and couples enjoying the sun and eating outside, and strolling around, it was nice to just breathe in the positive energy.
It was also a good day because I was able to find a book I had been wanting forever from the library.

I owned this book about five or six years ago, but lost it at some point. I think I might have loaned it to someone who was going through a divorce, and they loaned it, and so on. It's an amazing book, and I hope my old copy with all of the notes and underlines is still being passed around and helping people. It seems like it's written for people going through a divorce, maybe people who have been married for years, and have forgotten what being single feels like. For me, I've never been married, and to be honest I have spent more of my adult life single than in relationships, but I still find this book to be very helpful. When you are single, especially never been married, and no kids, often you get treated one of two ways. Either with pity, and a side of passive aggressive judgement, like there is clearly something wrong with you, or you get treated like because you are single, you have no responsibilities, and life is just one big carefree party after another. So for me, the first time I read this book it made me feel so much better, this was the first time someone had said to me"it's okay, and just as normal to be single as to be married" Neither one is right or wrong, or good or bad. At the time I needed the reassurance, because I was feeling bad about being single with no kids for the first time in my life. I was a nanny at the time, and when I would pick up the kid at preschool, some of the moms sometimes said some back-handed things and I felt bad. I also felt like my single status made some of them look at me like I was a floozy or something. But, if you are single, but You're divorced, you are way less of a threat. I think it's because marriage is the norm in society, so when someone is different, it's scary, or weird, or whatever, we nee to judge it. Anyway, for anyone who is single for whatever reason, I really recommend this book. The author, Judy Ford lives and practices (she's a therapist) in Kirkland, WA., which is a city that's very close to Seattle. Unfortunately I can't afford to go to her for therapy, which I would love, but I can read and re-read her lovely book! She focuses on all the positive aspects of living alone, and has little things her clients have learned to love about being single(not mentioning their name of course) I can't say enough good things, and I'm sure I will be writing about it here as I get into re-reading it. I know the holidays are coming, and it can make you blue to be single, and couple that with familial pressures, this book might help any singletons survive! She also gives you some witty retorts to some of the rude things people say. So, expect to be hearing a lot more about this book!
Happy Monday!

Et tu, Brute?

I have to have a little rant session. I think subconsciously that is one of the reasons I started a second blog. To Rant. That way I can keep my first blog all vegan and kind and stuff.
So, I bought some chocolate liqueur cherries from Trader Joe's. I have had liqueur cherries before and enjoyed them. So, I got these home and tried one, and the burn was real! It was like these were filled with moonshine. I thought, okay, maybe I had an empty stomach, so I tried another after eating some food, and the burn was worse. I seriously felt like my stomach was getting burned. To be honest, the burn is still there. I paid six dollars for these, and while that's a fine deal if they were tasty, six dollars is a lot to pay to have your stomach burned from the inside. So, I called them today to see if I could return/exchange them. I explained to the person I talked to how much these burned. She was very nice, and first said of course you can bring them back. But, then the conversation kind of took a turn for the worse. She informed me that she has never heard anyone else have this complaint, and some people "you know, just have like sensitive stomachs" It irritated me because it's the age old corporate give the customer what they want, but also blame them. I have never in my life had a sensitive stomach. I know I probably shouldn't even be ranting, because like I said, she was nice, and they are letting me exchange, but I just didn't like the customer is wrong vibe at the end. I have dealt with that at so many different places, and I was very surprised to have it happen at Trader Joe's, since I place them way above other companies. But, at the end of the day hey are still a corporation. Sigh.
Here is a review I came across noting the burn. There are several others floating around. These companies forget that people don't always give feedback at the stores. I may blog about something I love from Trader Joe's, and tell everyone I know, but that doesn't mean when I'm shopping there I tell my cashier what I love. Anyway, in the grand scheme of life this is filed under petty gripes for sure, but I still needed to vent. I already feel better!

Red Bike

I've never had a romantic relationship come from dating someone( as stranger) I've always formed romantic relationships with friends, or friends of a friend. To tell the truth, the few dates with strangers I've been on I really hated. I went on one blind date, and it was a nightmare pretty much from the jump. And it made me seriously question the friend who had set it up. My most recent ex was not only a friend, but one of my BEST friends for over eight years. We saw each other almost daily, saw each other at our best, and our worst. When we first met, he had a bright red BMX bike that he rode everywhere! I never learned to ride a bike as a kid, and I learned how to ride a bike on that very BMX. We spent hours talking. I haven't owned a television set in over ten years, and back in the day I didn't own a computer, so when my friends came over to hang out, we actually hung out. Like, sat around and talked. This was also in the lovely time before I phones and smart phones and androids and apps, so people weren't  glued to their phones. Anyway, I'm saying all of this to say that D and I were as close as close can be. I always felt like he found me interesting. That's why so many things came as a shock in our relationship. We spent hours talking. He would hang out with me when I was a drunk mess, and I can only imagine what that was like. And yet I always felt like he thought I was so cool, and so interesting. When we first made the leap from friendship to more than friends, not much changed, other than you know, sex. I still felt that same connection, only deeper. I can't pinpoint exactly when things seemed to change, but at some point it just seemed like he had heard all he needed to hear from me. We had become one of those bored with each other old couples before our time. The more he ignored, the harder I tried. He had every reason in the world for not listening. It always blamed me in some way. I walked in the room when he was playing a video game, so it's not his fault, because I should have waited for his undivided attention. The problem was there wasn't a time when he wasn't playing a video game. I had somehow managed to live my entire life without dating a "gamer", and let me tell you something, I was lucky. If and when I date anyone again, if any type of video game is ever mentioned, I am out of there.
I will never know the answer as to why this happened. I don't know which one of us changed so drastically, or if it was both, or neither. He never acknowledged that it was a problem. Or, I guess he never acknowledged that it was maybe a little bit of a problem with him. It was always put on me. Towards the end of things, he said that he simply didn't care about veganism, vegan food, politics or world events, and that was that.  He became the kind of boyfriend who he would have made fun of, and told me I was way too good for when we were friends. It's a very strange thing to try to figure out.
I thought for sure that we would have made it for the long haul. We knew each other so well, flaws and all. We had seen each through various relationships and break-ups, we just knew each other, and respected each other. There was a period of time that I believe we could have broken up, and maybe after we healed we could have remained friends. But at this point, our friendship is a distant memory to me. Way too much damage was done. I have dated my share of frogs, but never has anyone so aggressively ignored me, and my feelings. It wasn't like I kept it a secret that this was a deal breaker for me. It was easier for him to walk away from me, than to show interest in anything that matters to me. That's a very bitter pill to swallow, but i am working very hard to not take it personal.
I will always have the fondest memories of the boy with the red bike.
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" Dr. Suess

Balance

                                        
I love The Young Turks (especially Cenk!!) and I watched this video yesterday, and it had me thinking all day. Towards the end of the video, Cenk talks about living a life of balance, and it really hit home. Balance is the best word to describe what I am going for in my life. I have done so many extremes in my life, and the healthier I get, the more I crave balance.I certainly haven't lived as crazy of a life as Charlie Sheen, but I have lived my own version of his life. In my experience, Cenk is absolutely right, when you don't live a life of balance, there is a price. I can say that I have a particular issue that stems from my years as a bulimic, and it will be a thorn in my side for the rest of my life. Someday I would like to write about it, maybe as a cautionary tale for someone else, but I'm not really ready yet. But just trust me it is very difficult to deal with, and I did it to myself.
I'm sure my lungs aren't the greatest, or my liver after many years of abuse. I don't have health insurance, so what you don't know, right? That's why I know a lot about different herbs and spices, and foods are very good for both of those body parts, because I don't need a doctor to tell me I've done damage, so I do my best to try to heal myself.
There's a thought that people who are "partiers" are just happy go lucky people who love to party, and often people look at them almost with admiration. Especially men. Men are the party animal, bachelor for life, and they are considered super fun, and I think a lot of people think of them as super free spirited, happy go lucky people. Maybe some are, but in all of my years as a partier, and also being exposed to that lifestyle through my work as a bartender and cocktail waitress I find that to not be true. When the stimulants wear off, the unhappiness comes in.
For me, coming off of living a life of excess I'm finding it hardest to deal with the pain and feelings that I worked so hard to drink away. I feel like it stunted my emotional growth as an adult. I feel like I'm figuring things out that I should have figured out years ago. And sometimes emotionally it can be overwhelming, because it's a lot of pain I masked through booze, so when some of it hits me, and then more hits me, and I don't have that outlet, it's very overwhelming.
Our life catches up with us. That is something I absolutely never allowed myself to think about. I never stepped out of any of my self destructive patterns to think about how this could and would affect the future. I guess part of me didn't care, because I didn't value myself or my life. But the truth is, our habits and choices, both good and bad have a huge affect on our lives not only in the moment, but in our future. That is the hardest thing for a "partier" to understand.

Why?

                                         
I just watched this video, and I found it very moving. If you watch it, watch it until the end. The last words in the video are incredibly moving, and so true. I can't believe the world we live in. What is happening? I remember a time when things like this didn't happen on what seems to be a daily basis. What scares me the most is that so many terrible violent things are happening so often, we are getting jaded, and immune to the severity of what it all means. I look at the faces of these two men and my heart breaks.
I don't know how we can make this stop. I know we need it to stop. Everybody does. Our world is becoming too filled with hate, and rage.
My heart is very heavy, and I desperately want to know how to change this? If you have seven minutes, please watch this video.
Give someone a hug and a compliment today.

When a Guilty Pleasure is No Longer Pleasing

For as long as I can remember, I have loved magazines. It started with seventeen, and other teem mags, and moved into Glamour, Cosmo, Jane, etc. I eventually grew away from those types of magazines, but I never gave up my love for the gossip rags. I'm not a gossipy person by nature, so i don't know why I love them so, but I do. Fun fact, back in the day, they only came out every month, and gossip blogs and websites didn't exist. I used to live for the moment the new issues started popping up. My favorite nights were when I had a fresh copy of all the magazines that I liked, a new romantic comedy, and some hot chocolate. Bliss. I stopped buying magazines ages ago but I moved my love of celebrity gossip online. There are so many gossip blogs, you can be updated every second! I have three websites that I prefer. For many reasons I've been feeling like I should cut down. Not cut it out completely, just cut back. It's not like you need to read more than one, they pretty much all recycle the same stories, not unlike regular news. I'm a believer in doing what you enjoy. When I was a smoker, I always told myself I would quit when I stopped enjoying it. It took some time, but that's what I did. I guess that makes sense as a minimalist. Let go of the stuff that doesn't serve you. Anyway, I've been feeling for awhile that sometimes the celeb buzz brings me down. A lot of it is mean, and quite misogynistic, which I never noticed before. Also, the ads telling me how fat, old and wrinkled I am drive me insane. So, like most habits this one didn't want to go away. But, on Friday, something in me snapped when I was looking at one of the three sites I visit. The ads were coming from everywhere, sounds and lights and it was just an effing out of control assault. It was that moment that I realized, this is not bringing me pleasure. This is not a distraction from the annoyance of everyday life, it's adding to the annoyance! It's funny how when you really make an effort to get rid of negativity in your life, you start seeing things so clearly, and you start noticing things that you didn't even realize were making you feel bad in the first place!
I had kind of plateaued after giving up on the beer and cigs. I think I was just kind of coasting, and lately with the hil and a few other things I feel like I'm on a mission to do all that I can to make the life that I want.Gossip rags today, love and kindness all around tomorrow!

I'm a Softie

So, two days ago I entered the modern world kicking and screaming, and joined Instagram! I have no idea what I'm doing, and although I have posted a few pictures, I have no real idea of what is going on, what I'm doing, where do the pictures go? So many questions, blah blah blah. I somehow downloaded the app from my computer, but now Instagram is on my phone, and I can't access my account from my computer, and it's frustrating because I really want to edit my profile and such from my laptop. When I try to google for help, sometimes the answers make the problem worse. Like I might as well be talking to a doctor about medical stuff. I simply don't understand. I might just go to the library ans ask for help from a stranger, because at this point I feel anyone, including a nine year old, and also a ninety year old know more than me!
The biggest thing that scares me about stepping more in to social media is people. I have been shocked and very dismayed by some of the mean comments I've read on other people's social media, and I'm talking about vegans! I am a very sensitive person, and my opinion has been that I should stay away. I flirted with the idea of starting my own YouTube channel when I first started blogging, but I quickly realized I don't have that hard shell that I feel like you need to deal with the onslaught of hate and judgement. And sadly I am once again talking about the vegan community. My sensitivity is one of my best qualities, in my opinion. My whole life every single person I've ever known has told me to "stop being so sensitive" or "I need to develop a thick skin" and so on. I'm sure every sensitive person out there has heard the same things. But, I think just like the world needs those people who charge through life and do their thang without caring what others think, we need sensitive souls to balance everything out. The world needs sensitivity. So, I somehow after everything I've endured in life still don't have a hard shell, and I want to stay that way. I don't want to be a hardened person.
I don't plan on posting selfies, or any picture of myself on my Instagram, so at least I won't have to hear about my looks or weight. But I do want to showcase vegan food. I really want to help show people how honestly delicious vegan food is, and how there really is something for everyone. But, I will be showing all kinds of vegan food, including some vegan junk.
I guess I'm doing it as a trial. If things start hurting my feelings, I will sign off. There are many ways to spread the vegan message. Isn't it sad that this is how it is? I can't imagine I'm the only person who feels this way.
Anyway, as I've been talking about working on my patience, this whole Instagram thing is a great example. I'm doing a lot of learning as I go, and the lessons are hit or miss, but so far I haven't gotten pissed  and thrown my phone, or any other fits. And, I've posted several pictures, and actually learned some things, because i exercised patience. It's weird how things all tie together if you pay attention.
Are you on Instagram?  How do you cope with negativity online? Will I ever fully understand it?

Assumptions

My rainy Saturday

I've talked about The Four Agreements before, and how I have been reading it for quite some time. The words in this book hit so close to home, and I have to stop, and take some time to absorb what I've read. I've gone months in between agreements. I really like books like this, those pauses that I have to take let me know I'm growing, and changing. I just finished the fourth chapter, which is the third agreement. The Third Agreement is "Don't Make Assumptions". I don't know about you, but I am guilty of this like a million times over. If assumptions were a crime, I would have already gotten the chair. And I really didn't realize how guilty I was until I read this chapter. I also didn't realize how toxic it was. Haven't we all at some point had someone not answer the phone, or maybe be a little short with us, and we assume they are mad or irritated with us, only to find out it had nothing to do with you? That has happened to me so many times, and I always feel like wow, I was so negative about the whole situation for nothing! What a waste!
I circled some points he made in the book that really stood out to me, and I thought I would share. The first paragraph I circled says this-"It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering"  This goes right to what I just said! He also says "we make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions". That hit me so hard I now have that sentence on a Post-it note on my bathroom mirror, with a Post-it next to it telling me to have courage!
Next he says"When we believe something, we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position." He goes on to talk about how we make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do, think the way we think, feel the way we feel, etc. I think that is one of the main problems with humans. We have a hard time understanding other perspectives, and ways of feeling and dealing. And, we get mad or hurt(assumptions) and don't talk about it, and it just causes unnecessary negativity and feelings. He says that the reason we as humans have a fear of being ourselves around others is because we think everyone will judge, abuse us, reject us, and blame us the way we do ourselves. He says even before others have a chance to reject us, we reject ourselves. So, we reject ourselves before anyone else can. This describes me for about as long as I can remember. It's going to take a lot of work to change this habit. I feel like I do it so often, it's going to be hard for me to catch myself. But I want to be free from this. I want to be me, and I don't want to reject myself.  It's worth it for this last paragraph I circled, " If you don't understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear, instead of making an assumption. The day you stop making assumptions you will communicate cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison. Without making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable."
I'm learning so much from this book, I'm learning ways to heal myself, and it's helping me to learn what some of my problems are in the first place! This is a book I will be reading over and over, because I have a feeling I will learn more with every read.
Have you read The Four Agreements? If so, what did you think?

Plant a Seed, Watch it Grow!

Patience is something I lack. It doesn't run in my family, and it wasn't shown to me as a child. I've only really recently really made the connection, and admitted to myself that it is a problem. I want to learn to be more patient with myself, and with others. I made the connection earlier this morning when I was writing my post on my vegan blog, today is my 500th post over there, and it's pretty amazing, and unlike me. I realize that although I have a LONG way to go, I have shown myself some patience. When I first started that blog, I didn't know what the eff I was doing. I didn't know how to post a picture, or a link! How embarrassing! I thought, no one wants to read things without gorgeous pictures! And, I didn't even know if I would be able to write anything that anyone would want to read. Some people don't have a way with words. But, I was patient with myself, and I kept blogging, and I kept trying my best to learn what I could, and I just tried to let stuff happen organically, instead of trying to rush, and then getting frustrated.
I think the fact that I want to help spread the vegan message made it easier for me to stick with it. Because saving animals is more important to me than my silly ego.
I still have a long way to go with patience, but I have noticed lately that it's easier for me to catch myself when I feel like I'm about to lose it, I'm more able to breathe myself through it. My kitchen in my apartment is very tiny, and the other day I felt myself getting worked up, and I stopped, stepped out of the kitchen and what I was doing, and just breathed. I was cooking a meal, nothing worth getting all worked up over. That's progress for me!
I think I've given up on myself a lot in the past. I had no faith in myself, and I certainly didn't have the patience to try to hang in there with things. I don't want to give up on myself anymore.
More and more every day 'm learning the importance of not giving up on yourself. It's never too late for any of us to change, and the smallest little change can change SO many things, and open up so many other doors. The key is being PATIENT!
I hope i can encourage other people who struggle with issues to not give up on healing yourself. Nothing really heals the pain like dealing with the pain.
Happy Saturday!

Mainstream for the Win!

                                      
Thank you so much to Jennifer for bringing this video to my attention. Great minds think alike! Ha. I get wanting to be unique, and while it's not something that matters to me, I understand wanting to be exclusive, underground, whatever you want to call it. It happens to indie musicians, artists, actors, and so on if they gain popularity, often they face criticism from their longtime fans. Whatever, people will be people. But in the case of veganism, if you want it to be some sort of exclusive thing, than you are vegan for the wrong reasons. We want veganism to become so mainstream that we forget a time when it wasn't what everyone is doing.I went to Target yesterday for some paper towels and such(Litter!!) and they were having a sale on gardein, so I threw a package of the fishless filets in my basket, thought of the vegan food militia judging, and decided to go for the meatless loaf as well!
Today is another rainy day in Seattle, and I was trying so hard to talk myself out of my walk up the hill, and I almost convinced myself. But, I looked at the weather, and we are officially in faal/winter in Seattle, and rain is in the forecast for, well a really long time. So, I'm going to obviously have this argument with myself ALOT! But, I did it, and as usual when you push yourself I feel great. I feel very strongly that that hill is playing a big role in me continuing on with my health journey. And I have to say that my skin is so much softer, and less dry living in this rainy environment. When I'm huffing and puffing up that hill, the air that I'm huffing in feels so clean and fresh! And when I get home, my face looks like it was kissed by the dew fairy! It's not much, but it's my hill, and it will lead to bigger hills in the future!

I got this card at Trader Joe's yesterday. They have amazing cards for only ninety-nine cents! I have kind of a collage on my bedroom wall of various cards and such. So I hung this above my bed to remind me in my sleep.
Happy Friday!

Musings and Thrifting

May we all find this level of contentment!

Is this a best friends for life picture or what? I catch my kitties in some of the cutest positions sleeping. I often wonder if they ever hover over me in my sleep thinking I'm so cute. I somehow doubt it. They hover over me if they feel it's time for breakfast, and I need to wake up!
I wanted to talk again about the militant vegan health police. I know I already ranted, but it is a very upsetting subject for me. I know this sounds naive, but when I first went vegan, I assumed I would just magically have something in common with any other vegan I met. I feel like veganism has nothing to do with us, or how we look, and everything to do with wanting to save and protect animals. This was when I spent zero time on the webz, so I guess that explains my naivete.  It just shocks me because I never would have imagined vegans would be attacking and hateful in general, let alone towards other vegans. It makes me sad. It is a turn-off. I can make his comparison. I have a family member who is very Christian. This person is constantly trying to really drive the Christian point home at all times. This person is also a very unhappy, angry person, and extremely judgmental. Like to the max. They have tried to point me in the way of several Christian leaders, or whatever they are, people on TV. Like the Christian network or something. Anyway, these people also seem very angry. Like why are they yelling at me while they are preaching love, WHY? I am scared to be in a room alone with them, I'm scared they will try to waterboard me into accepting Jesus. My point is, it's not a very inviting look into Christianity, and if I were a rational, non-angry Christian, I would be pissed at their representation of that religion. It makes me feel like heaven must really be hell if I would be stuck with these angry bitter people waiting to judge. This is what non vegans must feel when they see or hear some of the vile thins that some of the vegan militia say.
At this stage of the game, we all know that cigarettes are not good for us. I knew they were bad for me when I smoked. But I chose to smoke anyway. It was an addiction. At this stage of the game we all know that a beige, fast food diet is bad. We know that weighing four hundred pounds, no matter your height is not a good look, or healthy. Like we all know it. There are people who honestly don't care what they put into their bodies. My ex boyfriend would only put a certain kind of gas from a certain station in his car, but will smoke a pack a day, and eat top ramen, McDonalds, Dominoes, just whatever junk every day. So, I hope the vegan police start thinking of other tactics. Attacking non vegans for their weight is not the way to go. Attacking vegans for their VEGAN food choices and /or weight is not the way to go either. I will try to let this subject rest FOR NOW.
On a totally unrelated note, I found some super cute thrift store finds the other day, and I wanted to share. Thrifting is so fun, and I love finding really unique items. I love when you find a mug that was clearly hand made by someone for someone, or some other hand made treasure.

I found this for ninety nine cents, and it sits perfectly on the wall above where I keep my garbage can. The wall was bare and kind of driving me nuts. I'm very much of a minimalist when it comes to furniture, but I do not like bare walls at all.

This picture is a perfect example of home made goodies. It's a list someone typed out of thirty-three ways to stay creative. I know this sounds strange, but I really get the warm and fuzzies, and I feel like when anything is made out of love, it's always going to radiate love and good vibes. I've been taking whatever free writing classes I can find at the library, so tapping into my creativity is something I have been really focusing on, as I love writing.

I also found this purse which I LOVE! It was like four dollars! The top is the front, and the bottom is the back. I just love thrifting so much. It's really amazing some of the things you find. It also says ALOT about our consumerist society, but I'll save that rant for another day!
My thought for today is Kindness. I want that to grow and grow and grow!

Vegan YouTube, a Rant

Today I have a rant. I have tried to let this feeling of anger and indignation go, but it's really hanging on, and I thinks I need me a rant. So, earlier this morning I was watching a vegan YouTuber I enjoy doing a review of a vegan chicken nugget or strip. She does these reviews about once a week of different vegan convenience or junk foods, and the videos are enjoyable to watch, and I would imagine helpful to non vegans who are a little veg curious. So, I was scrolling down the comments as I do, because I like to see if any non vegans give some feedback. As an ethical vegan, I am interested in connecting with the open minded non vegan people, because I want less people to eat animals. So, I'm reading comments, and another somewhat well known vegan YouTuber left a comment that said "Gee I wonder why you're not getting leaner long term" A few others chimed in about how these videos are promoting processed crap, and not healthy whole foods. I have had non vegans say to me in the past that I am the "least Judgmental" vegan they've met. That comment always kind of put me off guard, because I had never really met any judgmental vegans either, and I wondered who these mythical, miserable judgmental people were. They were hanging out on YouTube! I have a problem with this attitude for several reasons. As someone with an eating disordered past, and also body image issues, this hurts my feelings. The person in question, who isn't "lean enough" is not even overweight. I understand that obesity and shitty eating is a huge problem in this country, but we don't all have to look like Freelee the banana girl in order to be healthy, or attractive. As a vegan, I am turned off from veganism because of these negative attitudes. Whether these health gurus like it or not, there are people out there who eat beige foods all day, and consider a small dinner salad made with iceberg lettuce to be their vegetable intake for the day. I've watched the inspiring documentaries with people who drop the crap food and green juice it and look and feel fabulous. They are so inspiring, and yes, some people get inspired and become healthy. Others watch it and have a pepperoni pizza. Not everyone desires a vegan diet at all, let alone one full of raw fruit and veg. I wish it were different, but we are a junk food nation, and have been for a long time. And animals are dying and suffering immensely because of it. I want that to stop, I want to welcome people to veganism, and I want them to know that they can still have a greasy cheeseburger, a chicken nugget, even Taco Bell if they desire, and no one has to get hurt and die. We can judge their vegan food choices later, okay? Let's get them off of animals first. This does not help the already somewhat negative stereotype of vegans. We take one step forward, and these angry, above it all YouTubers take us twenty steps back. It's hard for me to believe that they even care about animals, because these nasty attitudes are not helping the animals at all. Vegans are attacking other vegans, I don't understand. If you don't like someone's food choices, as long as the food is vegan why not just leave it alone? Or, why not leave a comment airing your disagreement, but keeping it to the food, not going after the weight? If I would have read that comment back in my bulimic days, it would have sent me into a tailspin, because like I said, the person in question is not overweight. Our snarky words have power. And what frustrates me the most, is that a lot of these people insist that if you don't agree with their tactics that you are not a "real" vegan. And if you aren't lean, you are not a good spokesperson for veganism. What kind of  religious cult like thinking is that? Unbelievable. I actually believed it for awhile, and when the shitty attitude started getting to me, I questioned myself for some time. Vegans are a serious minority. Animals are dying because we are and continue to be a minority. Is the answer to silence and shame other vegans because they don't live the way you do? Is it right to make someone feel as if they shouldn't speak up for ANIMALS because they don't have the perfect BMI? Is that what veganism is all about? Because if it is, I will take my no animal eating, wearing, using, harming ass over to the side, and speak up for animals in my own way. I've never liked labels anyway.
As a little P.S. I wanted to say that there are some cool vegan YouTubers that I enjoy, and I feel show how normal being vegan really is. Vegans of all shapes and sizes, and all different eating styles. So they are out there. It's just sad to me that some of the loudest voices with the most subscribers are very toxic and negative, and in no way represent the vegan that I am, or would ever want to be.

Running Up That Hill

It has been raining here in Seattle for so many days now, I forget when I last saw the sky blue. The temperature is still pretty mild, especially coming off of a few winters in the snow belt. So, I'm trying to stay upbeat, because it really could be worse. I am struggling though. So, this morning was so hard to force myself to go up this damn hill. It was one of those days where I was cursing myself for even thinking of this dumb idea. I was ready to put it on hold until spring rolls around. I came up with five thousand reasons not to do it, and not one to do it. It was really hard to get myself to do it. Everyone was right, I am super stubborn! But guess what, I made myself,kicking and screaming, and today was the first day I noticed an improvement in my breathing! I didn't feel as winded when I got to the top! I mean, it's weird because I noticed a big difference just between yesterday and today! Progress woot woot! It may not be INSTANT gratification, but it sure feels great!
I'm glad I chose this goal in the rainy fall instead of spring or summer. It's more of a challenge. As I've been saying, this is about much more than exercise. On a side note, I swear I'm noticing an improvement on my thighs! But this is about making myself stick to my word, and sticking with something, even when it's hard. Believing in myself, and proving I can do it, whatever it is are skills I lack, and definitely want to work on.
I can hardly believe this is me typing these words. It seems so strange that I am choosing to be good to myself. No one can take this little accomplishment away from me except for me. Pretty cool. I like being part of the making good choices club, I think I'll stay for awhile!

Patience

I've been really trying to figure out why I feel so tempted to reach for a cigarette and beer lately. I've been feeling so great, so it confuses me that I would want to throw that all away. I know that deep down I don't want to, I don't want to start being unhealthy again. If I pick up a cigarette, I can say bye to my daily hill trek. I think I've figured out part of the problem. With a cigarette and a drink, you get  instant results. As soon as that alcohol and nicotine hit your system,  you have instant relief. It's also less work. The cigarette and alcohol did most of the work. Since trying to live a cleaner, healthier life I just haven't gotten the same results, and as I've mentioned patience is something I am always working on. The truth of the matter is I had a lot more friends when I was a party girl. I know that the friendships weren't based on anything meaningful, but still some of those friendships did mean something to me, and I do have some good memories. The truth of the matter is since embarking on a healthier lifestyle, I've never been lonelier. I don't know where I will end up, because I don't feel like I fit in with health based people, because I still enjoy some delicious vegan junk food from time to time, and I am trying to get healthy without being obsessive about food or my body. So, when I crave smoking or drinking, I think I'm craving some of those times when I had friends over, and we were just hanging out, and being goofy and having fun.
Having the patience to wait and see what is coming next is the hardest thing. I think I need this alone time in order to learn how to be my own friend first.
Two things that are really helping me figure some stuff out are journaling, and walking up this hill. I've heard people talk about journaling for many years, and like happiness it seemed to be something for other people. It just didn't seem like something that could help me. To be honest, sometimes I still feel that way. But I do know that it's helping. It's helping me to learn things about myself that I didn't know. And so far my journal and my hill walking are keeping me on the path I want to be on.
Taking it one day at a time is easier said than done!