Assumptions

My rainy Saturday

I've talked about The Four Agreements before, and how I have been reading it for quite some time. The words in this book hit so close to home, and I have to stop, and take some time to absorb what I've read. I've gone months in between agreements. I really like books like this, those pauses that I have to take let me know I'm growing, and changing. I just finished the fourth chapter, which is the third agreement. The Third Agreement is "Don't Make Assumptions". I don't know about you, but I am guilty of this like a million times over. If assumptions were a crime, I would have already gotten the chair. And I really didn't realize how guilty I was until I read this chapter. I also didn't realize how toxic it was. Haven't we all at some point had someone not answer the phone, or maybe be a little short with us, and we assume they are mad or irritated with us, only to find out it had nothing to do with you? That has happened to me so many times, and I always feel like wow, I was so negative about the whole situation for nothing! What a waste!
I circled some points he made in the book that really stood out to me, and I thought I would share. The first paragraph I circled says this-"It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering"  This goes right to what I just said! He also says "we make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions". That hit me so hard I now have that sentence on a Post-it note on my bathroom mirror, with a Post-it next to it telling me to have courage!
Next he says"When we believe something, we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position." He goes on to talk about how we make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do, think the way we think, feel the way we feel, etc. I think that is one of the main problems with humans. We have a hard time understanding other perspectives, and ways of feeling and dealing. And, we get mad or hurt(assumptions) and don't talk about it, and it just causes unnecessary negativity and feelings. He says that the reason we as humans have a fear of being ourselves around others is because we think everyone will judge, abuse us, reject us, and blame us the way we do ourselves. He says even before others have a chance to reject us, we reject ourselves. So, we reject ourselves before anyone else can. This describes me for about as long as I can remember. It's going to take a lot of work to change this habit. I feel like I do it so often, it's going to be hard for me to catch myself. But I want to be free from this. I want to be me, and I don't want to reject myself.  It's worth it for this last paragraph I circled, " If you don't understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear, instead of making an assumption. The day you stop making assumptions you will communicate cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison. Without making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable."
I'm learning so much from this book, I'm learning ways to heal myself, and it's helping me to learn what some of my problems are in the first place! This is a book I will be reading over and over, because I have a feeling I will learn more with every read.
Have you read The Four Agreements? If so, what did you think?