Patience

I've been really trying to figure out why I feel so tempted to reach for a cigarette and beer lately. I've been feeling so great, so it confuses me that I would want to throw that all away. I know that deep down I don't want to, I don't want to start being unhealthy again. If I pick up a cigarette, I can say bye to my daily hill trek. I think I've figured out part of the problem. With a cigarette and a drink, you get  instant results. As soon as that alcohol and nicotine hit your system,  you have instant relief. It's also less work. The cigarette and alcohol did most of the work. Since trying to live a cleaner, healthier life I just haven't gotten the same results, and as I've mentioned patience is something I am always working on. The truth of the matter is I had a lot more friends when I was a party girl. I know that the friendships weren't based on anything meaningful, but still some of those friendships did mean something to me, and I do have some good memories. The truth of the matter is since embarking on a healthier lifestyle, I've never been lonelier. I don't know where I will end up, because I don't feel like I fit in with health based people, because I still enjoy some delicious vegan junk food from time to time, and I am trying to get healthy without being obsessive about food or my body. So, when I crave smoking or drinking, I think I'm craving some of those times when I had friends over, and we were just hanging out, and being goofy and having fun.
Having the patience to wait and see what is coming next is the hardest thing. I think I need this alone time in order to learn how to be my own friend first.
Two things that are really helping me figure some stuff out are journaling, and walking up this hill. I've heard people talk about journaling for many years, and like happiness it seemed to be something for other people. It just didn't seem like something that could help me. To be honest, sometimes I still feel that way. But I do know that it's helping. It's helping me to learn things about myself that I didn't know. And so far my journal and my hill walking are keeping me on the path I want to be on.
Taking it one day at a time is easier said than done!