My Vibe and my Tribe

I came across this quote a few weeks ago, "your vibe attracts your tribe" I fell in love, and of course being me I wrote it on a million Post It notes to remind myself of that. I've always wondered why people who are super negative about everything are drawn to me like a moth to a flame. I've always considered myself to be more on the positive side. I mean, don't get me wrong, I see the ugliness of the world, and can get fixated on it but in general I try to see the positive. It's the only way to get through life sane I think, is to see the positives. So, what's been wrong with my vibe? Well, now I see that even though I am more on the positive side when it comes to other people, and situations, I see only the negative when it comes to myself. So, I guess my vibe has been pretty toxic, and I was just floating through life unaware! I'm trying so hard to change my stinking thinking. It's so hard, I went shopping yesterday, and ugh to fitting room mirrors. And thrift stores are even more unflattering! So, yesterday was full of me being down on myself. No wonder I feel drained today.
I'm determined to change my vibe. Life is short, and I've wasted so much of mine being miserable. I've never even had one single job I've liked. I've had jobs that were tolerable, but never one where I was happy, felt respected, enjoyed what I did, and got paid enough to live. And I've chosen men and friends who are just not good choices for me.
I want to feel what it's like to really love myself, and feel confident and secure with my life. And I want to have healthy relationships with people who inspire me, and I them. I want to leave my house, and know that no one can rattle my confidence, and no one is going to ruin my day. I've always admired those people who walk in the door the same as when they walked out. Half the time I feel like a whole different person. I admire people who are able to be around toxic people, and kind of just shrug them off.
After last weekends events, I want to be part of spreading more light into the world, we need it. I've had some stuff going on in my life that's been making it difficult to see any light in my own life, let alone the world.
I'm going to get this right.

No Shop Girl

                                          
I randomly saw this video on YouTube, and the timing couldn't have been better. You see, right now I own one pair of jeans, and although it's been a cool summer so far, it seems like it's finally going to warm up, and I need a pair of shorts, or preferably a skirt. Just something short. I am dreading it soooooo much. I've never liked clothes shopping, even as a teen. And, it seems like the last couple of times I've gone shopping, it's been a reality check I didn't want. I've been working on getting healthy for a couple of years now, so I always feel like I expect to be a smaller size, or I expect stuff to look better on me, ya know? I just feel like I can never find, or I don't know what looks good on my body. I feel like I see other woman who are heavier than me looking real cute with clothes that highlight their positives where as I feel like I find and wear clothes that highlight my negatives. And, no matter what my body type has been I feel this way. I think having that sense and flair for fashion is definitely something your born with. And lets be honest, the thinner you are, the easier it is to find clothes. Some women can put on the ugliest, thing ever, give it a little fix, maybe a belt, and they look amazing. And, when I'm not shopping for clothes, I'm able to be happy for those women, and not compare myself to them. But when I'm just trying to find something to wear, it's impossible for me not to compare myself to anyone else.
This is where I realize how pathetically lonely I am. Everyone should have that friend, or cousin, mom, sister, whatever that tells you the truth, helps you find what's best for you, and cheers you up. I don't have that, so it's always a dark time after shopping. I honestly can't remember the last time I've bought anything that I thought looked good on me. I always just settle on the best of the worst. Le sigh.

Getting Sucked In

I had a situation happen earlier this week that just totally emotionally drained me. I got sucked into some negative energy. It's now making me wonder why it is so easy to get pulled in that negative way. I can think of many, many times where I have been in a really good mood, and I've had the joy sucked right out of me. Or, this has happened at almost every job I've ever had, I swear I won't get sucked into any drama, or workplace drama, or pick sides with anything, and then one day I wake up and realize I've become totally involved in the gossip. Anyway, I wasted like two days of my life with a racing heart, felling pissed, crying, and getting involved in several nasty comment wars. You see, I saw a video of a vegan YouTuber (male) being extremely misogynistic. Like, disgusting. So, it triggered some stuff for me, because I have years of enduring perverts and sexual harassment at almost every job I've ever had under my belt. I didn't realize I had as much pent up anger as I do. Definitely something I need to explore more. Anyway, in a fit of anger I left a comment, and you know how the interwebz work, it's been dumb response after dumb response. I think what ended up upsetting me the most is the amount of females who defended him, or excused it.
I found a yoga video this morning on one of my favorite yoga channels,Yoga With Adrienne, and it was titled Letting Go, I knew I had to do it. To be honest, I only half believed it would help me, but believe it or not, after doing the video I felt lighter and calmer. And I realized what I so wish I would have a few days ago, and that is people like that exist. And there is always going to be someone who defends and agrees with bad behavior. And that's what a lot of toxic people want, they just want to spread negativity. I once knew someone who would say obnoxious things he didn't even really think just to get a rise out of people. The more upset people got, the more he delighted in it.
I feel so exhausted today, geting worked up and being pissed for two days really wears a girl down. I wonder how naturally angry people do it?
Being a sensitive person, I feel like my whole life people have been telling me to "not take it personal" or "don't get so offended" or my favorite"you're way too sensitive, toughen up"
I've never really learned how to toughen up, and to be honest in my opinion, the world needs more sensitive people, not less, and I have gotten better at not taking things personal, but it is a struggle.
I really wish we lived in a world where people were chastised for being insensitive, not sensitive.
But we don't, so if you are like me, and maybe have triggers, just try to remember that people who have crappy views exist, and the most obnoxious people are often the loudest. Try to focus on the quieter, more pleasant people in life, and breathe, and try that video. It isn't worth the energy, it really isn't.

Dark Days, Heavy Heart

Today my heart is extremely heavy. Twice in one weekend there were senseless shootings, one a terrorist attack. What I'm more sad about is that I know what we as a country will do. We will be sad and angry for about a week, and we will tweet and gram and facebook, blog, whatever for that week. We on the more liberal, or should I say intelligent side will scream for gun control, and gun laws. The conservatives will defend guns, and slam Muslims. Then, after a week or so, those of us fortunate enough to not have been directly affected by these tragedies will shove it to the back of our mind, and forget about it. There are so many Kardashians to keep up with, and so much social media to attend to. Then, if history repeats itself, which unfortunately it keeps doing this will happen again, and wash, rinse , repeat. I think as a country we have mastered the art of temporary righteous indignation. It was only four short years ago that a grade school got gunned down, and TWENTY small children were killed! And not too long ago two people were shot live on television, not to mention all the others in between. The world is getting scarier and sadder by the minute. I feel more scared by the day. I've never been a huge fan of being in places with lots of people, and I'm liking it less and less.
At this point I have zero faith that it will change or get better. All I can do is hope that people who have super deep pockets, like bigger than the NRA start demanding the politicians do something. I am no expert, but having less guns in the world seems like a really good place to start in fixing the problem. How has this not already happened? I don't understand how we as humans just keep letting this shit happen. We should have done something so long ago, but at the very least when tiny children are getting fucking massacred is that not the time to maybe demand and not stop demanding some kind of change? Even if gun control isn't the answer, and it's something else, I don't care. We just need to do something.

What Was I Thinking

I've been trying to piece together my past, and remember what led me to my decision to leave my birth family and go with my adoptive parents. My memories of certain times in my life are fuzzy. I feel like this is a memory that should not be fuzzy as it was such a monumental decision that I deeply regret. I was in the demented Christian group home, and she was my therapist. The last time I ever saw my birth mom was during a family therapy session. I don't even remember the session to be honest. At this point I was nearing the end of my stay. This group home had steps or some other insane thing and when you completed all the steps, you were saved and ready to go home. Or, unfortunately for some of the girls back to foster care, or someplace equally depressing. If I remember correctly I was one of the few girls who had an actual home. Strange right? Anyway, my next session I remember "D" telling me that she had determined that while I had grown, and made some positive changes, it was obvious my mom hadn't, and they(the powers that be at the group home)feared for me to go home. So, "D" mentioned how much she cared for me, and how much she wanted me to have a better life. That's when she suggested that I come live with her and her husband. You have to understand that as a sad and lonely teenager, I was immediately tempted by this idea. She was a great therapist, or so I thought. She was kind, and understanding, and she always said nice things about me, told me I was pretty which I craved sooooo badly. I remember I went and spent a weekend with them. It was weird, and I felt super awkward. But they were both so nice, and kind. I desperately craved that. And, there's something about a therapist that makes them feel really safe emotionally. You feel like they would be the BEST person to be around, so supportive and non judgmental. I remember the next week I made my decision and that was that. I left the group home, went to their house and that was that. I never saw anyone from my family again, and I never got any of my things, that was it. About a month or so after I had moved in with them, they approached me about adoption. They gave me a million and one reasons why it was the smart thing to do. I don't remember their words, but I remember feeling overwhelmed with information, and just agreeing to it. Not understanding the finality of that decision.

Making Pink Lemonade out of Lemons

Today I was at Trader Joe's, and I was grabbing some of their pink lemons which are amazing in case anyone ever wonders. I had never heard of real pink lemons before now. So, a woman comes up beside me and grabs a bag of regular lemons. She then casually mentioned to me that she's never heard of or seen pink lemons before. So, I told her how delicious they are, and that I was so glad I was able to get more. So, she grabbed some and said it would be fun to make some pink lemonade with her daughters. She was so thankful for the tip, and it made me feel so freaking good. To be honest, it probably made me feel better than it should have. I haven't had a positive exchange like that in awhile. But more than that, it feels so good to know stuff, and to pass it on and be taken seriously. I guarantee that two minute exchange with a stranger meant much more to me than even her. And I needed it today, on a day where I was feeling very small and unimportant. So, I really hope you and your daughters make perfect pink lemonade! And thank you for taking me seriously!

A Day in the Sun

Well, I did it. I went and sat by the pool and nobody threw rotten tomatoes at me, or called me names! I know it sounds so ridiculous to some people, but to those of us who have ever been taunted and bullied, the fear is hard to get over. I spend a lot of my life when I'm out in public waiting for someone to start calling me names. For me bulling happened several times in my life at different times, so I guess no matter how old I get I will always be a little fearful. But I was thinking this morning that maybe every time I push myself to do something that scares me and nothing happens, maybe it erases a little of the fear. I don't know, pushing myself to do scary things with no alcohol to make me ballsy is new to me. But it can't hurt.
The sun felt so wonderful, and it felt so good to just do it, and not be a prisoner of my fears, and a prisoner to what people think. I think it's so easy to tell other people to not care what anyone thinks, but it's not so easy to take your own advice, at least that's what I've always noticed.
Anyway, if anyone ever reads this who needs a little inspiration to sit in the sun, here it is. You can do it, and it feels really good!

Progress and Acceptance

Well, on Sunday I tried on my bathing suit, and did not like what I saw. So, why not go shopping for clothes on Monday!! I needed a pair of shorts, or a skirt, or something cool for the summer. I had one pair of shorts that I wore throughout the summer last year, and they are pretty worn out at this point. I normally would buy clothes at a thrift store, but I do allow myself once a year to buy something new. So, the entire walk to the mall I worked on being calm, and not judging my body. One of the guided meditations I listen to tells you to let your thoughts float over you, and just let them come and go without judging them, or yourself. So, that's what I was telling myself. Just figure out what size you need, find what looks good and don't judge. I mean, the thing is that I am the size I am right now. Nothing is going to instantly change it, especially getting pissed at myself and freaking out and spewing a bunch of hate towards myself, which is what I've done for my entire life when shopping for clothes. I was pretty successful. I just grabbed a jean skirt which was what I was wanting, and I am working on not judging myself over the size. I would say that while I did have a few dark moments, I had much more control over the darkness than usual. Instead of focusing on the size or whether I look as good as I'd like, I'm focusing on feeling grateful that I was able to buy a new skirt and a dress. Self hatred is such so pointless, and such a time suck. In the past, a bad shopping experience could send me into a tizzy that would last days. I think of how my energy could have been put to such better use. So, progress not perfection on the body proud progress! The other day I was feeling so frustrated, I said to myself why am I even bothering to workout? It's like stepping up my workout game has accomplished nothing. Then I remembered how much better I feel. That feeling when the first bead of sweat starts trickling down my face, that amazing feeling of pride when I'm done, and the happy buzz I feel for the rest of the day. I remembered that I can feel not only my body getting stronger, but also my mind.  So, in the end I will continue to work out, and continue to work on improving myself, but also accepting myself. And, today is Tuesday, maybe I will brave that pool after all.

Unrobing Fail

Well, that was a fail. If you just accidentally stumbled on this post, I wrote earlier today that I was going to be brave and confidant and go sit by the pool at my apartment building. I was going to do it no matter what, whether there were people there or not. I guess I expected too much, the first time you put on your bathing suit after a winter of being covered up is a bit of a shock. I didn't think I would look great, but I have been eating healthy and doing seriously hard workouts, so I thought I would see an improvement over last year. I'm not going to turn this into a sob fest, just suffice it to say that my bod is not looking like the bod of someone who walks almost everywhere, and has been really pushing myself when it comes to my workouts! So, after looking at myself in the mirror, I already was wanting to forget my plan. But, I got over myself and got ready to go. Even though I was feeling the opposite of how I wanted to feel.
All hope was lost when I looked and saw that there were so many people out there! There were people sunbathing, the pool itself was crowded, it was a party. I just could not do it. I'm uncomfortable with crowds to begin with, and you add the vulnerability of being in a bathing suit, I mean forget it. I guess I should have chosen a week day for my big debut.
I will do it, I think I just have to dip my toes in first, not dive head first. I feel like there's no point in pushing yourself to the point where you're about to have a panic attack!
I'm off to meditate now, I need to clear my negative energy so I can keep focusing on the positives, not the negatives.

It's a Start

Summer has all of a sudden shown up here in Seattle. At least for the weekend. Today is a beautiful sunny day, and it's supposed to be almost ninety today! The apartment building I live in has a pool, and today I am going to put on my bathing suit, and sit in the sun! I might even go in the pool. Although I love to swim, I don't love chlorine. But whether or not I get in isn't important. What is important is going out by the pool on a warm day. I'm sure there will be other people, and that's why I usually shy away. There's a place in Seattle called Magnuson park where I usually go to sit in the sun. It's easy to find a secluded spot away from people and feel more comfortable stripping down. But I am going to do my best to be comfortable in my own skin. I remember last summer wanting to go to the pool a few times, and if there were too many people I would just not go. I would let my own insecurity, and fear of what people would do or say control me. I remember feeling so frustrated with myself for being such a wimp. Wondering why I just couldn't be one of those people who had that confidence. Maybe confidence can be like a skill that you can learn. I always assumed it was something you were born with. Because people who are confident don't even really realize it, it's just a natural part of them. But, people learn how to do all kinds of things, and some had an easy time learning, others had more of a struggle. So, maybe I can learn to be confident, learn how to totally forget my days being bullied, and one day just rock a bathing suit without having to talk myself up! If it was the old me, I'd probably down a few beers first to get the screw what anyone thinks attitude. Unfortunately, kombucha doesn't amp me up the same way.
But, for today I am going to go by the "fake it till you make it" attitude. And I swear, if there are people out there I'm not going to ruin my day by worrying in my head. You know, where you almost break out into a sweat because you're so worried about what people are thinking or saying. Today I am taking my book out, and I am going to replenish my vitamin D after a long grey Seattle winter, and I'm going to read and feel good. You have to start somewhere.

Watch Out For That Trigger

Although I have been recovered from my eating disorder for quite a long time now, I am still very sensitive to weight and food topics and issues. I can be easily triggered, and then it takes a whole lot of work to talk myself out of my frantic thinking. And if someone makes a comment about my weight, well it's a tough thing for me to get over. I was working in a bar in PA. and somehow it came up that I was a vegan, and the customer I was talking to said"I'm surprised you're not thinner if you're a vegan" Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, he must have realized that he was a bit rude, so he was trying to backtrack and it was just making everything worse. I already hated this job sooooo much, and this comment happened early in the evening, which made for a really long night.  I remember several days later I was still upset, and the guy who said it had probably forgotten all about it. It's crazy how many people don't realize the power of words. As I continue to heal from all the years of disordered eating, I can't control people and what they say, but I can control what I listen to when I'm at home. That's the joy of living with cats, I can go all day with no words if I want, when I'm home. So, I realized yesterday that several YouTube channels that I used to enjoy are no longer serving me. I am an ethical vegan, and I call myself and my diet vegan, not plant based. I have never referred to myself as plant based ever. There are quite a few vegan or plant based YouTube channels that focus almost entirely on weight, maintaining the perfect healthy weight, and also eating the optimal plant based diet. Although my focus as a vegan is ethics, I also enjoy eating healthy, and as someone with no health insurance, it kind of benefits me to use plants as medicine. But, I also deprived myself of food, and other crazy antics over food for so many years, that it feels really good to eat normally, and have the occasional vegan splurge. I don't ever want to give up vegan chocolate. I want to be healthy, first and foremost. And, I have been working out really hard trying to lose the beer flub, or what I call my unhappy weight. It's been an ongoing struggle, and the weight isn't falling off the way I'd hoped. I'm working so hard to be loving towards myself, and appreciate the fact that it's even functioning after all I've put it through. So, I realized watching those types of videos are toxic to me. And, since they aren't even talking about animal rights or ethics, and they don't eat in a way that interests me, why am I still watching? It's silly, like in high school when you try to fit in with a certain group, and you try so hard, they never fully accept you, and then you realize you don't even like them that much anyway. But yet you still want to fit in. That's what happened to me. I tried to be cool, and I really just am not, and I'm okay with it. I want to eat delicious vegan food, and I want to nourish my body, but I also want a life with treats and splurges. It's such an amazing time to be vegan now, with new delicious foods coming out daily, and I want to try them all!

Country Song

Years ago when I still smoked cigarettes, I used to stop at this drugstore close to my work when I needed a pack. There was a cashier who on more than one occasion made me a few minutes late to work because she would just talk and talk and talk. I jokingly referred to her as the inappropriate Walgreens cashier, because she would launch into stories usually reserved for your best friend, or someone you're very close to. Although I joked about her, deep down I felt for her which was why I couldn't walk away and ignore her. I always felt she must be so lonely and desperate for someone to listen  and care. Back then I could somewhat relate, but my loneliness hadn't quite reached the boiling point yet. I've always feared becoming that woman, almost as much as I fear becoming an angry, bitter person.
The other day, I was at the grocery getting some stuff, and I needed quarters for laundry. So, I went to customer service, and there was no one behind me, so the cashier and I started chatting, and we got carried away, more so me, until all of a sudden I realized there were people behind me in line! I wondered how long I had been blabbing away. As I was waiting for my bus, I wondered if my loneliness has gotten to the point where I have become the inappropriate customer! That customer you can't get rid of, and you just want to hide when you see them!
Although I'm a loner by nature, I don't feel a need to have a ton of friends, or a group, and obviously given my bizarre family life I certainly don't live by the "family is everything" motto, but everyone needs at least one person in their life who really gives a shit. And who you know will give you the truth, and advice that is best for you, not advice that they think is best for you. There is a huge difference. I haven't had someone like that in my life for a very long time, and I'm feeling the weight of it. I'm feeling the weight of feeling so alone. I feel like I'm becoming every cliche ever for loneliness.
I'm doing my best to combat the depression, and to an extent I'm holding it at bay, but I have days where the depression and loneliness  get the best of me. I felt it the other day, I felt like I could barely move, and when I did move my  body felt so heavy. I felt like I weighed five hundred pounds. I felt as low as I have in a very long time.
It has become somewhat of a struggle to not go back to unhealthy coping skills. The other day I took a walk to clear my head, and I had to leave my wallet at home. I was afraid it would be a little too tempting to buy some beer to ease away the blues. I craved that cockiness that alcohol gives me. That feeling of who needs anyone. But, this time around I'm smart enough to know that the feeling is fleeting, and the next day I'll feel worse than ever. As sad as it sounds, coming here and typing how I feel is helping me so much more than drinking ever did. Although sometimes I just feel so lonely and sad, I also feel like those feelings are moving through me, like I'm actually working thongs through, not just staying stagnant. I'm working on finding ways to feel better, not doing everything in my power to feel worse. It's a start.