Country Song

Years ago when I still smoked cigarettes, I used to stop at this drugstore close to my work when I needed a pack. There was a cashier who on more than one occasion made me a few minutes late to work because she would just talk and talk and talk. I jokingly referred to her as the inappropriate Walgreens cashier, because she would launch into stories usually reserved for your best friend, or someone you're very close to. Although I joked about her, deep down I felt for her which was why I couldn't walk away and ignore her. I always felt she must be so lonely and desperate for someone to listen  and care. Back then I could somewhat relate, but my loneliness hadn't quite reached the boiling point yet. I've always feared becoming that woman, almost as much as I fear becoming an angry, bitter person.
The other day, I was at the grocery getting some stuff, and I needed quarters for laundry. So, I went to customer service, and there was no one behind me, so the cashier and I started chatting, and we got carried away, more so me, until all of a sudden I realized there were people behind me in line! I wondered how long I had been blabbing away. As I was waiting for my bus, I wondered if my loneliness has gotten to the point where I have become the inappropriate customer! That customer you can't get rid of, and you just want to hide when you see them!
Although I'm a loner by nature, I don't feel a need to have a ton of friends, or a group, and obviously given my bizarre family life I certainly don't live by the "family is everything" motto, but everyone needs at least one person in their life who really gives a shit. And who you know will give you the truth, and advice that is best for you, not advice that they think is best for you. There is a huge difference. I haven't had someone like that in my life for a very long time, and I'm feeling the weight of it. I'm feeling the weight of feeling so alone. I feel like I'm becoming every cliche ever for loneliness.
I'm doing my best to combat the depression, and to an extent I'm holding it at bay, but I have days where the depression and loneliness  get the best of me. I felt it the other day, I felt like I could barely move, and when I did move my  body felt so heavy. I felt like I weighed five hundred pounds. I felt as low as I have in a very long time.
It has become somewhat of a struggle to not go back to unhealthy coping skills. The other day I took a walk to clear my head, and I had to leave my wallet at home. I was afraid it would be a little too tempting to buy some beer to ease away the blues. I craved that cockiness that alcohol gives me. That feeling of who needs anyone. But, this time around I'm smart enough to know that the feeling is fleeting, and the next day I'll feel worse than ever. As sad as it sounds, coming here and typing how I feel is helping me so much more than drinking ever did. Although sometimes I just feel so lonely and sad, I also feel like those feelings are moving through me, like I'm actually working thongs through, not just staying stagnant. I'm working on finding ways to feel better, not doing everything in my power to feel worse. It's a start.