Thirty Days of Meditation

Today is December 30th, which means it is day thirty of my meditation challenge. It has been challenging for sure. There have been days where y mind hasn't stopped once, and there have been days that I didn't want to do it, and wanted to just give up. What has kept me going is the rewards I can't deny. I feel calmer overall, and I know it sounds so beyond cliche, but I really do feel more balanced. I feel like I've gotten better at responding, not reacting. I also notice that I'm able to turn around some negative thoughts. I remember one day last week I was going to Target for whatever. I wanted to catch the bus, and as I was walking to the stop, the bus drove on by, and I missed it. I started getting pissed, and frustrated and all of those bad feelings. Prior to this I had been in a pretty good mood. I decided to just walk, it isn't that far, and it wasn't raining, and it wasn't too cold. So just like that the light bulb came on, and I just wasn't pissed anymore. And the brisk walk in the fresh air actually made me feel better, gave me a shot of energy. I had a few situations like that where i just was able to look at the positive. It's like I'm able to acknowledge the negative, but focus on the positive.
I also am also more aware of all that I have to be grateful for. It's so easy to lose track. I'm ashamed to admit how many times I struggled to even think of more than one or two things to be grateful for.
I checked the weather Monday, and grey old Seattle is going to be sunny, as in cloud free sunny for the next five days! And then two more partially cloudy/sunny days before back to the rain! When I first saw that, my very first thought was, 2016 is going to be an amazing year. That is such a good sign to start it off sunny in Seattle! I haven't had faith in a New Year being any better than the last in I don't know how long. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever believed things were going to get better, or that maybe I could find happiness.
I'm continuing on with the meditation challenge. There is just too much evidence that meditation is having a positive impact on my life for me to ignore. Starting Friday January 1st, I will increase my time to ten minutes. I also hope to one day move to silent meditation, but for now I feel like I need the guidance. Maybe for month three I will try silent! It feels so great to have hope, and feel that energetic feeling of change!
Are you planning on any challenges for the new year?

Operation Texas Beer Belly

A line in my book really jumped out at me the other day, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. "Our bodies carry the evidence of our neglect" I've been thinking about that for awhile. If you look at people who are healthy, both physically and mentally, you can tell. But it's not just their faces and bodies, it's something from deep inside them. That's how you can tell the people that are happy deep inside. It's easy to take care of yourself on the outside, but be full of toxicity on the inside. When I was drinking all the time, my choice of beverage was beer. I wasn't the biggest fan of wine, to be honest I only drank wine around other people, when I needed to be more refined I guess. And I never really liked hard alcohol. You know those fancy drinks and people take a sip, and they go oh, I can't taste the alcohol? Well, I can always taste the alcohol. So, beer is definitely not a low calorie food. I am not proud of this, but when my drinking was at it's worst, I could drink over twenty beers in one day. I had one stretch of forty eight straight hours of drinking beer and no sleep. It sounds so sick now, but at the time I was proud! And I worked at a bar, so I was surrounded by people who thought nothing of my drinking. I"m saying all of this to say that even though It's been over three years since I lived that way, all of that beer weight has not left my gut. It is a constant reminder of how I used to live, or the total lack of neglect.
So, one of my goals, or resolutions for the New Year is to lose this gut once and for all. It's time to really say goodbye to those days. I don't know how I'm going to go about it exactly but I know that I don't feel a need to have a perfect "lean" body, The vegan YouTube community has really made me kind of loathe and dread the word lean. I just want my body to be even, and if I carry a few extra pounds that's fine, but lets have it be a little more evenly distributed please. I don't want to look like a man who spends every happy hour downing dollar Budweisers!
This is the first time in years I've cared enough about myself to make a commitment like this. When I was drinking all the time, I knew I was gaining weight, but vanity unfortunately could not overpower my need to numb my feelings. I also just chose defiance. I was a liberated, modern woman who wasn't trying to impress anyone, and I had spent too many of my years obsessing over my weight, now it was my turn to say screw it. Except that deep down I did care. But enough beer would make that inner voice of reason run for the hills.
I've never tried to lose weight or anything in a normal, healthy way. My life has been kind of restriction, or full on gluttony. Not so much now, now I feel like I have my eating in check, but the beer pudge is just beyond stubborn. Maybe I will just step up my cardio, I haven't decided. But it feels so good to be in this head space where I feel like I and my life is worth it!
I'll be back this week to give a full list of my goals for the fresh New Year!

Smile

I was writing in my journal today, and I saw a quote that I had written down the other day. I write down any quote that means anything to me. I don't remember where it came from, but it's a good one.
"Let your smile change the world, but never let the world change your smile." Something to remember. Letting the world change my smile is a very big fear of mine.
I was talking about rearranging my furniture the other day and I did change my living room. I'm a minimalist so it was really just moving a futon and a bookshelf, but change is change. I have been feeling a little more inspired. I don't know if it's Feng Shui or what, but I like it, and once the felines got over the indignation of things changing, I think they like it too. I've even started thinking of some resolutions, or goals for the New Year. I haven't done that in a million years!
Once I have my list done, I will of course write about it! It's exciting to think in a more positive way. It's a nice club I'm very happy to be a member of. It's taken a lot of work to get her, and it feels good but weird. And putting it out there makes it real, and holds me accountable. It's super easy to have lofty goals, and but lose interest when it comes time to put in the work. Back when I was living a very unhealthy life, I used to kind of get a giggle out of people who swore by positive affirmations. I would try to stand in front of the mirror and say whatever affirmation, and I would just feel so awkward, and like I was totally wasting my time. I wonder why they never helped me back then? So, that old cynical me is probably gagging, but I think the positive affirmations I've been listening to at night have really been working with the meditation to get to that part of my brain that no antidepressant, alcohol, street drug or therapist could get to. Things only work when you believe, and allow them to work. Nothing huge has happened, but there is a shift I can feel.
I hope everyone is having an amazing Saturday.

More Musings

For me my eating disorder, alcohol, and cigarettes were a way for me to stuff my feelings, think about and focus on something other than what was really bothering me. They were all a relief. Since giving up on them all, I still haven't found a healthy equivalent for those really bad times. This last week I have really wanted to both drink and smoke cigarettes. The urge to have those friends back in my life to release some of my feelings is just so strong. Yesterday I was waiting for the bus, and some lady was smoking next to me, and while the smell repulsed me as it always does, I also had a very strong urge to bum one, or offer to buy one, those things aren't cheap. It's just that release. Or maybe I feel a need to abuse myself. I don't know. It's all this stuff that's so hard to figure out. When you give up what you were addicted to, you're still left with all of the feelings inside that led you to your addiction in the first place.
The important thing is that I have not given in to my urges. I am breathing through it, and reminding myself that I like the way I feel now, both physically and mentally. When I trudge up that damn hill when I so didn't want to, the feeling I get is a high no drug has ever given me. Pride is like an all day high. It's genuinely not alcohol or nicotine that I crave, it's the escape. I think wanting to escape is something everyone can relate to. I remember when I was still smoking, but trying to quit, I read an article that said what most people struggle with is the psychological addiction to smoking. That makes so much sense. I walked by a group of people standing outside of their job yesterday, all huddled around smoking. I miss that camaraderie. Sometimes you have really cool conversations with people you normally might never talk to huddling outside smoking. Not that you can't have those same convos in other situations, but a shared love of a substance that is so frowned upon nowadays is a real ice-breaker!
Sometimes I also wonder if I've lost some of my spark since going all healthy. I feel like I'm a much more pleasurable person to  be around now, but my social life would tell a different story.
I mentioned the other day that I'm working on deciding what I want this blog to be, or if I want it to be anything. Tomorrow I am having a mental organization day, and I'm going to make some lists, and goals and all of that stuff. I really want to write more in-depth about some of the stuff I'm trying to sort out. I think it will be hugely beneficial for me, and it might help someone else. Even if it's just to let someone know they aren't alone, or crazy.
If you are celebrating today, I hope it's warm and filled with love. And, if you're not celebrating, I still hope your day is filled with love and warmth.

Musings

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I've Got the Power!

I braved the crowds and went to Target yesterday. The things you do when you have cats and they poop a lot! I also have been hitting the La Croix pretty hard, and Target has the best flavors. So, I made it in and out all in one piece, only to have a an energy vampire force her way into my life! I was waiting for the bus, lost in my own thoughts when a woman comes up and asks me if the bus is due. Now, keep in mind less than two feet away from where I'm standing there is a schedule, but I tell her yes, it was due at whatever time. It was a few minutes late, so she notes that fact in a very disgusted voice. I wanted to point out that it was to her benefit that the bus was running late, because she had just gotten there, but I didn't want to encourage more conversation. I've been around the block, and I know her type. They will relentlessly talk about every little thing that is wrong with everything, and slowly suck the life right out of you. It's times like this I wish I had headphones, or earbuds. This is the price you pay when you need to be able to hear the killer. So, after she gripes about the bus being late, she proceeds to tell me how a state patrolman was killed last night, and she's very suspicious because it isn't mentioned in the paper, not sure how she knows about it, but I'm guessing she owns a police scanner. I've never know someone to own a police scanner who isn't a bit, let's say eccentric. I had relatives who lived in the boonies and listened to a police scanner and they were some strange relatives. She was just so miserable! It all continued as we got on the bus, all of her ranting turned into her stating that she is convinced there are many bus drivers who are "on the pot". And she is sure that they don't get drug tested, which in Seattle pot isn't illegal, so not sure what her point is there, but I was just hoping that the guy who was driving the bus we were on couldn't hear her! I was so happy when my stop came! She was one example of one of my biggest fears. I don't ever want to become that miserable to where all I can do is focus on the negative, and I just absolutely do not see Joy in anything. I always wonder what those kind of people were like as children, before life did whatever it did to them. They always have a face lined with wrinkles, but not laugh lines or any kind of just natural aging, it's always these hard, angry, deep wrinkles from just being pissed all of your life. When I was bartending I saw A LOT of those types of people. I think the holiday season brings out the worst of this behavior.
So, to bring my long winded story back to meditation, I noticed that as soon as i stepped off of the bus, breathed in some fresh air, I was able to shake off the bad energy. By the time I crossed the street and enterd my building, it was just something that happened, not something that altered my mood for the rest of the day. I am giving meditation all of the credit for this one. Not letting people suck me into the negative zone is something that has been an uphill battle for me. This is the first time I can ever think of where I shook it off so quickly and easily. This experience alone tells me that meditation is something I need to continue. I feel like I have acquired a superpower.
Hopefully all of these healthy habits I'm picking up will not only continue to help protect my energy from getting sucked, but also they will continue to help me feel good so I don't become what I fear!
How are you at dealing with miserable energy vampires?

Trying To Get a Spark!

So  I've been reading my book and the pressure is on to finish it because I don't think I will be able to renew it since there was such a long waiting list. I think I have to buy this book because it isn't one I want to rush through. It's one that I want to sit with. It's hitting painfully close to home, so it's both comforting and uncomfortable for me to read. I guess I should mention the book, that might help! It's called Blackout- Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget written by Sarah Hepola. Considering that there were 150 names ahead of me on the waiting list for this book, I would say it's hitting home for a lot of people. This book is really helping me be more forgiving of myself. I have a lot of guilt for wasting so much of my life drinking beer. I feel guilt for abusing myself that way, and I feel ashamed of pretty much EVERY decision I made while drinking. And like the author, I have huge chunks of my life that I will never ever remember. To be honest, I probably would be horrified if I did remember. Since I've stopped drinking, I haven't really ever talked about my drinking days in detail. I mention my hard drinking past, but that's pretty much it. Most of the reason is no one ever asks about it, but also I feel shy to talk about a lot of it because of fear of judgment. I made many bad choices, and some of those bad choices include extreme bad choices in men, and bad decisions when it comes to sex. People say they don't judge, but most do. They don't judge as long as you say what they think you should say. Reading this book is inspiring me to want to talk more openly about my past, because maybe I could help, or bring healing to someone the way this boom is helping me. I feel like we need more sharing and less judgment in this world. Anyway, I've been thinking about the direction I want to take this second blog, since I spend very little time bitching about my ex, which is good. Maybe I'll give it a little face lift and direction for the new year.
I'm rearranging my living room today in hopes that I spark some creativity. I've been in a little bit of a slump. Hopefully this will shake out some cobwebs and inspire me for the New Year!
I can't recommend this book enough. Even if you've never had an issue with drinking, it's so well written, and it's about much more than just drinking.
Happy Saturday!

Laughs and Stuff

                                          
Have you seen this video? It is absolutely hysterical! My favorite part is when the guy says "we used to eat our food, now we just take pictures of it" I almost fell over laughing! I am not that into Instagramming, and even I sometimes think, I just want to eat my damn food, it's going to be cold soon! I've been in a bit of a holiday funk, so laughs are greatly appreciated right now. The thing about feeling blue around the holidays is there is just NO ESCAPE. If your in your own home, reading a book your safe, but other than that just deal with it. And some of the Christmas songs are seriously sad! The other day I was in a store and got teary eyed! All it took was that one tear and the emotions were turned on! I almost cried on the bus going home, it was a whole thing. I'm usually able to hold in the waterworks in public, but I guess it's that time of year.  Maybe I'll get visited by some ghosts this year, because there was a time when I loved the holidays, but that part of me was lost a long time ago.
Before we get to dark, I am happy to report that I had a much easier time meditating today. I did a guided meditation focusing on reducing anxiety. I actually stayed in silence and with no racing thoughts for a few minutes after the video was over. Pretty much the opposite of  the past couple of days. I would say today was probably the most focused I've been. I'm glad I didn't give up! Since I'm extending my challenge another month, I think I might try silent meditation for January. That is really my ultimate goal. Although right now I feel like I need the guidance, sometimes they are too chatty, or they talk too fast, and it gets irritating which is obviously not what your supposed to feel when your meditating! My best advice to anyone wanting to get in the habit of meditating is patience, patience, patience. No one is perfect, and there are just some days when your mind just won't quiet. Meditation is a good thing, and a good, kind habit so don't beat yourself up if it takes some time. The deeper I get in the pool of healthy choices and living, the more I understand progress not perfection.

Rough

So, day sixteen of my meditation challenge. Yesterday and today were really tough. Very hard time focusing, and very hard time fighting off negative thoughts. I've also been a little more emotional than usual, so I'm trying to work on my patience with myself. Since yesterday was so tough, I tried putting on positive affirmations to fight off negative thoughts last night as I fell asleep. This is the point where I would usually call it a day, and figure that meditation is just not for me. But if I did that I would be robbing myself. This kind of sums up my life so far. So many things I gave up on because I hit a roadblock. I've skipped writing in my journal for the last few days for whatever reason, but it will be interesting to look back on this challenge. It might be like one of my favorite genres of movie- the sappy movie! You know, the kind where there is one big overall lesson, but along the way many small life lessons were learned, and we all come out a better person. I always wanted my Hollywood ending, ha!
The book about blacking out that I'm reading is really hitting me hard in the feelings place. I feel a connection with the author, and so a lot of the stories and her feelings feel very familiar to me. It's is both comforting, and off putting at the same time. I don't talk a lot to people about my heavy drinking days, because no one has really ever seemed interested, and I'm not really proud of how much of my life has been spent in a drunken haze. So, this book is really bringing up stuff that I thought I had shoved wayyyy down. It's good though, dealing with is good, shoving is bad. Shoving stuff down is what first drove me to drink!
Anyway, I just wanted to give a meditation update. Still going, maybe not so strong, but still pushing ahead. I have visualized the life i want, and I want it bad! I was hoping to move up to ten minutes this week, but maybe that will be my goal for next week.
How's your week going?

Just Some More Meditation Stuff!

I stumbled across this video and found it to be interesting. I had already decided to extend my meditation challenge for another month, and after watching this I am definitely convinced. I've mentioned that I've already noticed some changes happening naturally, such as more patience, and an easier time not beating myself up. Well, yesterday I had to have a conversation with my ex about things that are still tangled. You know how it goes. Anyway, I was a ball of nerves because "talks" NEVER go well with us. Lack of communication was one of many problems with us. And he is not a pleasant person to have any kind of disagreement/ battle of the wills.  And I will be the first to admit that I feed into it because it gets under my skin, I start getting upset and pissed, and it's just a mess. But yesterday our talk was short and to the point, and I kept my cool. I just felt like I didn't want to let anyone get me all riled up. I guess I'm starting to actually believe that I have some say in my life! Ha!
Not much else to say today, I have a bit of a headache, and I need to think of something to cook for myself that is both super easy, but also super nutritious. Think, think think!
Happy Monday!

Reading to Remember

I finished reading One Last Thing Before I Go yesterday morning. A lot of tears were shed reading that book. Most were sad tears, but a fair amount were tears from laughing so hard. This book was gut wrenching in the best way. And I both loved and hated the way it ended, and I'm still thinking about it, which is a good thing. This is a book that I must own, because I feel like it's one of those that you read more than once.
I battled the wind and the rain and returned my old books and picked up some new books. Library day has always been one of my favorite days.

Library haul!

I've already started reading Blackout Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget. When I put my name on the waiting list, there were one hundred and fifty names ahead of me! I have never ever known a waiting list to be that long! It makes me feel better in some weird way to know that many people want to read this book. I assume not everyone who reads it ever had a problem with blackouts themselves, but i also assume a lot do. It makes me feel less alone. And I'm interested to read about how she learns to live as a sober person.
I know for myself when I was drinking, I always had friends and people waiting to do stuff, and I feel like I had conversations with people who actually were interested in what I was saying. I definitely don't feel that way sober. I've wondered if I'm boring now. When you feel any kind of social awkwardness, alcohol can be your fairy Godmother. Some of my wittiest comments have been nudged out by alcohol. Right now she's delving into blackouts, and not only am I relating, but I'm learning too. I'm constantly being reminded of how lucky I am that my body has made it, and I'm not dead, or a total burnout. Anyway, I'm only on the first chapter, so I will write more as I read more. I think it's going to be an important read.
I'm off to meditate now. All of these good decisions feels so right and so wrong and weird at the same time!
Happy Sunday!

Things I'm Learning

Today is day twelve of my meditation challenge. I've been feeling really great, up until yesterday. I just got in a funk yesterday and I couldn't pull myself out of it. I didn't even have my usual morning cry, I wasn't feeling emotional or grumpy or anything. At some point in the later morning I just couldn't fight the funk. It was reminding me of the old days when depression would really take a hold of me. In the end, I think I was fighting off some kind of bug, and so that drained all of my energy. It was a scary feeling. I also did a shoulder opening yoga practice, and one of the poses was called camel, and the instructor said not to be surprised if a lot of emotion comes out. I've had that happen a lot with different hip opening postures, because they say we store our unwanted feelings in our hips. One yoga instructor said"think of your hips an an emotional junk drawer. I guess it makes sense, we hold tension in our neck and shoulders. Anyway, this whole listening to the body is really so interesting to me. To go from ignoring everything and just being full blown abusive to myself, to paying attention in camel pose is weird in a good way. All of those drinking and smoking years, I was doing yoga, and I'm sure it was doing some good, but not much because I was really just going through the motions.
Something I've really noticed is that even when I have a day where my mind will not simmer down, and I feel like I wasted the five minutes of meditation time, when I open my eyes I still feel refreshed. And I am noticing real improvements in my life. I am feeling like I'm gaining more patience, and I am seeing the brighter side of life, and I'm definitely feeling more and more gratitude. Everyone is different, so I can't say wow, everyone should meditate, it will change your life! I don't know if it would change everyone's life. But I can say if you have been curious about meditation, and have been intimidated, I say try it. Even if you're having a hard time focusing, just make yourself sit there with your eyes closed for at least the time of your meditation practice. I say if you are open to it, try it and be patient and consistent! It won't be much help if you try once and give up, and try again in six months. Trust me, been there done that. Like over and over.
Happy Saturday!

Adding Affirmations to the Mix

Yesterday I tried a different type of guided meditation. I don't know if it's actually considered guided, but it had you close your eyes, and listen and focus on a bell and just when you would hear the last little sound, the bell would toll again. I struggled hard core with this one. For me, I feel like I either need a voice guiding me, or silence. One thing I really notice is even when I really struggle, when I'm done and I first open my eyes, I always feel rested, like I took a really satisfying nap. I feel like that alone is reason to go on. I'm no expert, but clearly there are health benefits to meditation, even when your barely focusing!
The other day I had a cup of Yogi tea, and the little tags quote said "The voice of your soul is breath." I found that to be very fitting with the meditation challenge. Sometimes it's easy to forget how good a nice long deep breath feels.
For the past two nights, I've been listening to positive affirmations before I go to sleep. I never thought I was a positive affirmation type of person, but I guess I was wrong. I noticed yesterday morning I felt a little peppier, and a little more optimistic, so I listened again last night, and ditto for this morning. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm open to the benefits. In the past I thought stuff like this was for other people. I thought stuff like this could never help me.Nothing can help you if you don't allow it.
I barely know who I am this week, and it feels great. It feels so great to be open to changing my life. I like this feeling of optimism. And I'm feeling other benefits, like I'm feeling a little more confident and a little less socially awkward. To be honest it feels great to be dealing with the after math of a break-up in a healthy way, instead of drinking and smoking myself to death. I feel like the chipper character in one of my beloved Rom-Coms!

Good Vibe Tuesday!

Patience is something that I struggle with. I never realized how little patience I had until recently. Over the last few days I've noticed that I'm very conscience of that, and I've been able to catch myself several times and easily talk myself out of getting super irritated. It's such a waste of energy some of the little things. I almost have laughed at myself a few times for the little things I was getting worked up over. I really think guided meditation is helping me to be more mindful. Or healthier, I don't know which, but who cares because it's working! Even though I am still struggling with being able to focus for the whole five minutes, I'm still wanting to do it every morning because i can feel it working. At weird times too. Like this morning before i even got out of bed I was thinking about how positive I felt, and I had this feeling I can't describe, because I've never had it before, but it's like a glow-y energy feeling. I'm starting to actually believe that maybe I can create the life i want to live. Maybe I don't have to be a servant, sorry server or some other job that makes me want to jump off a bridge, maybe life can be more. I've never really believed that for myself before. It's scary and weird to even be typing these words, but it's also pretty amazing. The longer this challenge goes on, the more I'm seeing how powerful meditation can be. And I'm doing a measly five minutes, half of which I'm fighting with my brain to simmer down! I used to think you had to meditate for hours, and that was always what scared me to be honest. I really recommend trying to make yourself try. I just checked, and there are even one and two minute guided meditations!
Something else that has been making me happy is this book that I'm reading by Jonathan Tropper. It's called One last thing before I go and it is making me laugh, it's made me cry, I love it. Even though the main character is a man, I as a woman can still relate to a lot, and having dated men, it's helped me understand some past relationships a little more. Jonathan Tropper wrote the book This is where I leave you which was turned into a movie by the same name. I loved the movie almost as much as the book! He has this way of writing about damaged people that allows you to see their flaws, understand what a dick they are, but still also see the good in them, and understand why they made some of the choices they did. It's really beautiful. These characters seem real, like people I have met, and will meet. It's a book that I want to hurry up and finish, but at the same time I never want it to end. If you have a holiday vacation coming up, I recommend this book. It's both a light read, and a book that makes you feel and think.
Happy Tuesday!

Mental Health

I was reading this article, and it really inspired me to talk about my own battle with depression.  It's something I've dealt with for a majority of my life. I think it's always with me, but it seems easier to control sometimes, and other times I feel like it might take over. I'm not going to get into all of the gory details, because there are so many, but let's just say that I've made a few serious suicide attempts, my first at age fifteen, and I've seen my share of psychiatric wards. None good, all bad. I do not like psychiatrists, and I know it is not good or fair to judge, as I don't know all of the psychiatrists, but I have seen enough to feel okay about not liking an entire group. I also have never met a therapist who I've been able to connect with, and feel like they can actually help. Since I don't have health insurance and never have as an adult, I have always had to pay out of my pocket for therapists, and just no.I also have known a few therapists personally, and they are just human like the rest of us, and sometimes they are not living the most  calm lives themselves. I was very turned off from therapists during my eating disorder days, it was hard for me to listen to someone tell me how to feel and to cope when they have never struggled with depression or an eating disorder. I have been on so many different anti-depressants I can't name them all.
If you went back and asked co-workers and people I was casually friends with, they would probably feel shocked to hear how much I've struggled with depression. I've always been very good at masking it. I can put on a happy face like no other.
One of the reasons I started my meditation challenge is because I have been feeling myself sinking a little lower than I would like. I've learned to manage my depression, and I know certain foods that I need to eat/drink and what types of things I need to do to handle my depression, and not let it rule my life. But lately, it hasn't been so easy. I'm feeling all of these things, and I have all of these thoughts, and while my feline family are the best listeners ever, they don't give a lot of feedback. So, I feel like meditation with some other affirmations I'm doing will do nothing but help. Don't worry, no suicidal thoughts, just that heavy depressed feeling. The holidays don't tend to help.
Depression is not something to be ashamed of, it doesn't have to have control over you, and it certainly doesn't make you a weak person. I wish I would have really understood this years ago. I used to feel so ashamed of it, and never wanted to admit that I was depressed, or lonely or whatever. I'm not ashamed anymore because I'm still here, and I am healing myself from the inside. I'm not masking it with pills or booze or anything. I mean, I'm hardly even reading celebrity gossip anymore!
If anyone is ever interested, I could write for days about my experiences with bulimia and depression. I certainly could write at least one novel! But, if anyone wants to hear more let me know. Sometimes it's helped me hearing about someones experiences with similar battles. It helps to not feel so alone. And sometimes even if you're not ready to start healing, it can give you a nudge in the right direction.

Kicking and Screaming

Today was another one of those days that more than anything, I did not want to walk up that damn hill! It was raining pretty hard, and sometime in the last few days I've lost my hat, and ugh, I just didn't want to do it! But, for awhile I was accepting the excuses, and I promised myself, so I did it! Today was another one of those days that was really important for me to make myself do it. I also was not wanting to meditate. I just felt like I wouldn't be able to concentrate. Isn't it funny the excuses and bargaining tricks we use on ourselves? I was saying to myself that since I forced myself up the hill, maybe I could skate on the meditation. It's like inner me is a five year old child trying to get out of something, and I'm having to be my own parent and set rules and boundaries!
I'm glad I forced myself to meditate, because I discovered someone who I had never heard of. Her name is Susanne Kempken. I did her five minute morning meditation for positive energy. I really enjoyed it, and she described a glowing yellow ball of positive energy, and it was so easy for me to visualize this, because I kind of visualize glowing energy a lot. She has a very pleasant, soothing voice, and I liked her style. I figured I will pass on people's names as I go, in case other people are interested in starting a practice. With recent world events, and it being the holidays, everyone could probably use a little more zen in their day.
I feel like by forcing myself to do these things, it's like I'm forcing myself to love and be kind to me. That might sound crazy, but that's how it feels. Back when I was smoking cigarettes, I would still step out in the nasty ass rain and smoke a cigarette, and not even give it a second thought. But with this hill, I try and let the rain be an excuse. Or, I'll try and tell myself I don't have time for the hill or to meditate for five lousy minutes, but I never thought twice about taking five to ten minutes for a cigarette any chance I could get. It's too bad that harming myself comes so much easier than healthy, loving habits!
I hope everyone has a calm and groovy Sunday!

Day Five- Grogginess

Although I'm still as down as I was yesterday, today's meditation was much easier for me to get through and focus. I did a guided meditation focusing on gratitude. Every day I feel grateful that my body is still here and as strong as it is considering the abuse I put it through. This might sound silly, but one of the reasons i often walk instead of taking the bus is because I always think what if one day for whatever reason I can't walk, or can't walk as easily, I don't want to think back to all of the times when I could have walked and didn't. And walking is so much better now that I got rid of the cigs. Sometimes I catch myself when I'm going at a brisk pace just being blown away by how wonderful it is to breathe. and how amazing it feels to not be out of breath!
I've mentioned a million times that patience is definitely not something I was born with, or taught. I feel like this meditation challenge is really helping me to be patient with myself. I'm working on not berating myself for a wandering mind. That's why they call it a meditation practice. Same with yoga, I am practicing every day to improve. This has been much more interesting than drinking my problems away, and much healthier.
My yogi teabag gave me a quote that is very fitting for this current challenge. "Live through consciousness, not through emotion" Something for me to strive for, and meditation should help. I'm the first to admit that A LOT of my life's decisions have been made from my emotions. Some good, some bad.
Today when I came out of the meditation, I felt groggy and kind of out of it, where as usually I feel somewhat energized. So interesting!
Happy Saturday!

Hulking Through the Roadblock

On Wednesday when I was doing my meditation, at some point I pictured myself radiating love from my heart and sending it to the world. It was a powerful moment, I really saw myself sending this energy out. I wish so much that I had super powers, and could make the love so strong that it simply overpowers all of the hatred going on. I had a very hard time meditating today. The guided meditation I chose had loud waves in the background, which I was supposed to focus on, and it was too loud, and I couldn't hear what the guy was telling me to do, and it was really irritating me. I love the sound of waves, and I tried to see myself by the water, and it just wasn't working. The last two minutes the guy stopped talking, and had us (me) just listen to the sound of the waves, and sit there, and with eyes close, and when you hear a bell you're done. As I mentioned yesterday, I've been surprised at how fast five minutes has gone by, but today wow, I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. Longest two minutes ever. At first I thought I just didn't like this particular style, but I think it was me. I have had kind of a tough week emotionally, and I am having a very heavy heart over recent world events. I'm just so sad, and it's so weird that every where I look it's pretty lights, and Jolly Old St. Nick, and cheer, cheer, cheer, but away from those lights is a very different world. It's almost creepy.
I didn't mean to get off on a tangent, I was saying all of that to say that I think when you are starting out with anything new, it's not always going to be easy. There are always going to be things in our way. I guess life is kind of like an obstacle course. I know that people who have a strong meditation practice can clear their mind and meditate anytime, anywhere. Today meditating was like that hill, I didn't want to do it, but dammit I did it anyway. I did notice that it was at least easier today to not judge myself and berate myself for not really being able to focus. That's one of the reasons I've always given up on meditation in the past. I get mad at myself, and just figure that it's yet another thing that I just can't do. So, if meditation can continue to help me be less judge-y with myself, that is a huge help, and worth doing it every day whether I like it or not. This is definitely one of the more educational challenges I've given myself in quite awhile.
I hope everyone has a safe, and love filled day!

Meditation Day Two, Tissue Please!

I had a very interesting experience today while doing my five minute meditation. I cried pretty violently through some of it. Like I said yesterday, I've dabbled with meditation here and there throughout the years, and Had never experienced that. But, at one point I was getting frustrated with myself, and the person guiding the meditation said something about not judging your feelings, and to just let them be, and to kind of float over them. I actually felt myself floating above everything. I even had a moment where I pictured myself floating, and I  was with all kinds of animals and it was so amazing because we we all safe and the animals had no fear. It was pretty amazing. It seemed like a lot happened in five minutes, and I was very shocked at how fast that five minutes went. I don't know how to describe how I felt when I came out of it, but I felt very different than I had five minutes ago.
I have stuffed a lot of issues and pain over the years, so this doesn't really surprise me. I wanted to make sure I wasn't doing anything wrong, because when you see people meditate, they always look like the exact definition of serene. I had a very hard time clearing my head also The best I could do was let the thoughts pass through. I came across this article, and it explained a lot to me, and I thought I would pass on the information in case anyone else has this issue. I think the important thing is like everything else, it takes time and patience. I know that for me, I need to face this pain and deal with it if I actually want to be happy. It's been weighing me down, and helping me make bad choices for too long. So, I'm going to keep working on this, because something is happening, I can already feel it!
I saw this quote on a YouTube video, and it really stuck with me. I've been writing it every day in my journal. "We accept the love we think we deserve" Pretty powerful. It explains so much of my life and relationships I've allowed up to this point.
Is meditation a part of your life, or do you want it to be?

Meditate to Manifest

As I've been cutting down on my gossip reading, I've tried filling that time with more positive hobbies. Like reading an actual book instead of  Perez Hilton, and getting back into meditation. I've flirted with meditation in the past, and gone through phases where I've done it almost daily, but it's never become a part of my life. I always feel like I'm not a real yogi, because meditation is not something that I do, and it hasn't been something I've made a priority. I have been doing five minute guided meditations for the past two days, and today I tried a fifteen minute guided meditation that lost me after eight minutes or so. It's like anything else, you have to work on it, and improve over time. I want to see if it can help clear up some of my bad feelings that I have shoved down, and not dealt with. People don't overindulge in whatever bad habit for no reason. It's to mask or cover things and feelings that are difficult to deal with. So, guided meditation is a lot cheaper than therapy! I've decided just now that i am doing a thirty day meditation challenge! I will be meditating every day from December first(today) till December thirty first. I guess I'm doing a thirty one day challenge! Anyway, I will be writing down in my journal how I feel each day after meditating, and see if it has helped lighten my emotional load a little. I also looked a little into manifestation this weekend, and that's something I'm trying to slowly incorporate into my life. Baby steps though, I feel like meditation is the first step.
I'm very interested, do you meditate, has it improved your life, do you practice manifesting?
I'll be keeping track of my progress in my journal, and here, so if anyone is curious, check back!
If anyone is interested in taking part in this challenge, we can all talk about it here, I would love to discuss how it is working, do we feel different, is it hard, etc. I think support is awesome, and I think the more of us getting in touch with our inner light the better!