Hulking Through the Roadblock

On Wednesday when I was doing my meditation, at some point I pictured myself radiating love from my heart and sending it to the world. It was a powerful moment, I really saw myself sending this energy out. I wish so much that I had super powers, and could make the love so strong that it simply overpowers all of the hatred going on. I had a very hard time meditating today. The guided meditation I chose had loud waves in the background, which I was supposed to focus on, and it was too loud, and I couldn't hear what the guy was telling me to do, and it was really irritating me. I love the sound of waves, and I tried to see myself by the water, and it just wasn't working. The last two minutes the guy stopped talking, and had us (me) just listen to the sound of the waves, and sit there, and with eyes close, and when you hear a bell you're done. As I mentioned yesterday, I've been surprised at how fast five minutes has gone by, but today wow, I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. Longest two minutes ever. At first I thought I just didn't like this particular style, but I think it was me. I have had kind of a tough week emotionally, and I am having a very heavy heart over recent world events. I'm just so sad, and it's so weird that every where I look it's pretty lights, and Jolly Old St. Nick, and cheer, cheer, cheer, but away from those lights is a very different world. It's almost creepy.
I didn't mean to get off on a tangent, I was saying all of that to say that I think when you are starting out with anything new, it's not always going to be easy. There are always going to be things in our way. I guess life is kind of like an obstacle course. I know that people who have a strong meditation practice can clear their mind and meditate anytime, anywhere. Today meditating was like that hill, I didn't want to do it, but dammit I did it anyway. I did notice that it was at least easier today to not judge myself and berate myself for not really being able to focus. That's one of the reasons I've always given up on meditation in the past. I get mad at myself, and just figure that it's yet another thing that I just can't do. So, if meditation can continue to help me be less judge-y with myself, that is a huge help, and worth doing it every day whether I like it or not. This is definitely one of the more educational challenges I've given myself in quite awhile.
I hope everyone has a safe, and love filled day!