Mental Health

I was reading this article, and it really inspired me to talk about my own battle with depression.  It's something I've dealt with for a majority of my life. I think it's always with me, but it seems easier to control sometimes, and other times I feel like it might take over. I'm not going to get into all of the gory details, because there are so many, but let's just say that I've made a few serious suicide attempts, my first at age fifteen, and I've seen my share of psychiatric wards. None good, all bad. I do not like psychiatrists, and I know it is not good or fair to judge, as I don't know all of the psychiatrists, but I have seen enough to feel okay about not liking an entire group. I also have never met a therapist who I've been able to connect with, and feel like they can actually help. Since I don't have health insurance and never have as an adult, I have always had to pay out of my pocket for therapists, and just no.I also have known a few therapists personally, and they are just human like the rest of us, and sometimes they are not living the most  calm lives themselves. I was very turned off from therapists during my eating disorder days, it was hard for me to listen to someone tell me how to feel and to cope when they have never struggled with depression or an eating disorder. I have been on so many different anti-depressants I can't name them all.
If you went back and asked co-workers and people I was casually friends with, they would probably feel shocked to hear how much I've struggled with depression. I've always been very good at masking it. I can put on a happy face like no other.
One of the reasons I started my meditation challenge is because I have been feeling myself sinking a little lower than I would like. I've learned to manage my depression, and I know certain foods that I need to eat/drink and what types of things I need to do to handle my depression, and not let it rule my life. But lately, it hasn't been so easy. I'm feeling all of these things, and I have all of these thoughts, and while my feline family are the best listeners ever, they don't give a lot of feedback. So, I feel like meditation with some other affirmations I'm doing will do nothing but help. Don't worry, no suicidal thoughts, just that heavy depressed feeling. The holidays don't tend to help.
Depression is not something to be ashamed of, it doesn't have to have control over you, and it certainly doesn't make you a weak person. I wish I would have really understood this years ago. I used to feel so ashamed of it, and never wanted to admit that I was depressed, or lonely or whatever. I'm not ashamed anymore because I'm still here, and I am healing myself from the inside. I'm not masking it with pills or booze or anything. I mean, I'm hardly even reading celebrity gossip anymore!
If anyone is ever interested, I could write for days about my experiences with bulimia and depression. I certainly could write at least one novel! But, if anyone wants to hear more let me know. Sometimes it's helped me hearing about someones experiences with similar battles. It helps to not feel so alone. And sometimes even if you're not ready to start healing, it can give you a nudge in the right direction.