Progress and Acceptance

Well, on Sunday I tried on my bathing suit, and did not like what I saw. So, why not go shopping for clothes on Monday!! I needed a pair of shorts, or a skirt, or something cool for the summer. I had one pair of shorts that I wore throughout the summer last year, and they are pretty worn out at this point. I normally would buy clothes at a thrift store, but I do allow myself once a year to buy something new. So, the entire walk to the mall I worked on being calm, and not judging my body. One of the guided meditations I listen to tells you to let your thoughts float over you, and just let them come and go without judging them, or yourself. So, that's what I was telling myself. Just figure out what size you need, find what looks good and don't judge. I mean, the thing is that I am the size I am right now. Nothing is going to instantly change it, especially getting pissed at myself and freaking out and spewing a bunch of hate towards myself, which is what I've done for my entire life when shopping for clothes. I was pretty successful. I just grabbed a jean skirt which was what I was wanting, and I am working on not judging myself over the size. I would say that while I did have a few dark moments, I had much more control over the darkness than usual. Instead of focusing on the size or whether I look as good as I'd like, I'm focusing on feeling grateful that I was able to buy a new skirt and a dress. Self hatred is such so pointless, and such a time suck. In the past, a bad shopping experience could send me into a tizzy that would last days. I think of how my energy could have been put to such better use. So, progress not perfection on the body proud progress! The other day I was feeling so frustrated, I said to myself why am I even bothering to workout? It's like stepping up my workout game has accomplished nothing. Then I remembered how much better I feel. That feeling when the first bead of sweat starts trickling down my face, that amazing feeling of pride when I'm done, and the happy buzz I feel for the rest of the day. I remembered that I can feel not only my body getting stronger, but also my mind.  So, in the end I will continue to work out, and continue to work on improving myself, but also accepting myself. And, today is Tuesday, maybe I will brave that pool after all.