It's a Start

Summer has all of a sudden shown up here in Seattle. At least for the weekend. Today is a beautiful sunny day, and it's supposed to be almost ninety today! The apartment building I live in has a pool, and today I am going to put on my bathing suit, and sit in the sun! I might even go in the pool. Although I love to swim, I don't love chlorine. But whether or not I get in isn't important. What is important is going out by the pool on a warm day. I'm sure there will be other people, and that's why I usually shy away. There's a place in Seattle called Magnuson park where I usually go to sit in the sun. It's easy to find a secluded spot away from people and feel more comfortable stripping down. But I am going to do my best to be comfortable in my own skin. I remember last summer wanting to go to the pool a few times, and if there were too many people I would just not go. I would let my own insecurity, and fear of what people would do or say control me. I remember feeling so frustrated with myself for being such a wimp. Wondering why I just couldn't be one of those people who had that confidence. Maybe confidence can be like a skill that you can learn. I always assumed it was something you were born with. Because people who are confident don't even really realize it, it's just a natural part of them. But, people learn how to do all kinds of things, and some had an easy time learning, others had more of a struggle. So, maybe I can learn to be confident, learn how to totally forget my days being bullied, and one day just rock a bathing suit without having to talk myself up! If it was the old me, I'd probably down a few beers first to get the screw what anyone thinks attitude. Unfortunately, kombucha doesn't amp me up the same way.
But, for today I am going to go by the "fake it till you make it" attitude. And I swear, if there are people out there I'm not going to ruin my day by worrying in my head. You know, where you almost break out into a sweat because you're so worried about what people are thinking or saying. Today I am taking my book out, and I am going to replenish my vitamin D after a long grey Seattle winter, and I'm going to read and feel good. You have to start somewhere.