Over the years I've become quite the loner. I've learned to just enjoy my own company, and the company of my cats of course. I've never minded or felt embarrassed to go to a movie alone, or eat at a restaurant alone. And that includes holidays. While living in Seattle, I just got used to spending the holidays alone, and during my unfortunate time in Erie, I realized it was better to spend the holidays alone. I tried my first year back to take part in adoptive family festivities, and it just didn't work. So, after that I chose to spend the holidays with my cats. What I've learned over the years is that it feels less lonely to be alone, than to be in a room full of people and feel alone.
There is a particular sadness about not being part of things on the holidays. The quietness in the air, the lack of traffic. People are together, somewhere and you are just where you always are, doing what you always do. For some reason, today being Labor Day, which is like a whatever holiday, I'm feeling the sads. I've never even really celebrated Labor Day, the shitty jobs I have I always have to work. I guess it's just being in a new city. I already feel super isolated, and more alone than I have in a very long time.
It feels good to just type that, and admit it. Many years ago I started denying any feelings of loneliness around the holidays. It's easier to deny it than have people have that look of pity in their eyes and invite you to do stuff with their families, which is often worse than being alone. I've tried. But it's okay, it's just another day, right?
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