Saturday Musings

I was watching a video on YouTube the other day, and this person was venting about her weight, and how she had been trying to lose a few pounds, and it just wasn't happening. She was feeling like why am I depriving myself of certain things and making myself exercise when it's making no difference anyway? I have had that same thought at least five hundred times over the last couple of years. Why not eat all the junk (vegan of course) and stop exercising.
I've recently realized that even if I never drop a pound, I am still going to continue to eat healthy with the occasional treat, and I'm going to continue to exercise, and push myself when it comes to cardio workouts. I've recently realized that I do it because it makes me feel better, regardless of how I look.
I recently went through something extremely stressful and painful, and I stopped working out, and ping ponged between not eating, or eating total crap. I also was barely sleeping, and I even smoked some cigs, and drank some beer. I also was drinking coffee daily which is something I haven't done for years. I felt so unwell, so weak, and so not strong. My body put up a fight at first, wondering what I was doing to it. But after about a week or so, it just accepted the abuse, and the ill feeling became my new normal. I felt sluggish, slow, puffy, and weak. And all these unhealthy habits certainly weren't helping my emotional state. I felt like a toxic person in every way. And I felt ashamed because I had come so far, only to go back to all of my old patterns.
Now that I'm back on track, and off the cigs, the beer, and coffee, and back on green juice with lots of turmeric, yoga and other workouts, and eating healthily I feel like a new person. And even though I still do want to lose weight, I know now that choosing healthy habits is much more than just trying to look your best. I feel clean inside in a way that I didn't when I was being unhealthy. And  I like that feeling.
I know plenty of people who are naturally thin, and because of that they treat their bodies like a dump. Eating crap, not exercising, and not worrying about any of it because on the outside they appear to be healthy.
I feel like I am a nicer, more positive person when I'm taking care of myself. I take time to notice what I'm grateful for, even on bad days when it's hard.
So, I'm working on making that mind switch. My motivation for being healthy is no longer about losing weight, but more about continuing to strive to be the best me I can be. I want to be the kindest version of myself. I want to be the change and all of that, and lucky for me I can achieve all of that with or without an extra fifteen pounds!