Memories

Yesterday I walked by a record store(they still exist) and they were blaring Raspberry Beret by Prince. As I was waiting for my bus, I was of course humming along and tapping my feet. The song had memories for me, as do all of his songs. But those memories make me feel so sad, and really deeply lonely. It's so weird to not be able to call someone from my past and talk abut the memories. Things people take for granted. Being able to call their sister or brother, or even a cousin and talk about what they were doing when they first heard a song, or memories of dancing to a certain song, or just whatever little memories we all hold on to. It's so weird not having anyone to share mine with. I sometimes can't even tell if my memories are real, or if I'm just making stuff up in my head. Having absolutely no connection to where you came from. It's something I definitely drank to forget.
It's easier to forget living in Seattle, far away from my adoptive family. When I lived in PA, in the same city as them, I still spent every holiday and birthday alone. The first Christmas I went to someone's house where my adoptive mom's whole family was, and I thought I was going to die. It was the most awkward, uncomfortable night ever, and I never went back. I attempted to hang out with my adoptive mother a few times, and she just can't not make me feel bad. It's just not possible to not judge me. She can't get past the fact that I don't share her religious beliefs. It's like it isn't possible for her to see me as a human being, she only sees me as an immoral sinner. So, for almost four years I never once went to a family dinner, or a holiday, or any kind of anything. That was a weird feeling. It makes it awkward in social/work settings when people are talking about what they did for a particular holiday, and I had nothing to add. When you live millions of miles away from family, it's much less awkward.
Like most of my posts on this blog, there was no real point to this post. I guess I just had to acknowledge and express the shock I feel sometimes when I realize I have no one to reminisce with. And it feels so sad and lonely, that it takes my breath away. It sparks that emotional overload where I want or feel a need to escape. But I didn't escape, and that is some kind of progress.

Seeing the Good

Last night something weird happened. I was woken up around ten thirty or so by the fir alarm going off in my building. Instead of it being scary, I was pissed right away, because ever since I have lived in this apartment, the fire alarm going off is a normal thing. I don't know if it's because a lot of college students live here, (I live right next to a community college) but the hallways always smell like burnt toast or burnt grilled cheese whenever it's going off. Anyway, this happens at least once a month, sometimes several times a month. My poor cats are in hell because of the sound, and once I realized it was another false alarm, those old feelings of irritation stated creeping in. I was working myself into a whole negative head space, when it dawned on me that I am so fortunate that it wasn't a real fire. And also, I am fortunate to live in a building with working fire alarms. As soon as I turned my thinking around, the fire men showed up, turned the alarm off, and all was quiet again. I was able to pet my kitties and assure them it was okay, and lay down and fall right back asleep. That wouldn't have happened if I would have allowed myself to keep feeling pissed. It was easier than I ever thought. I used to imagine thinking positive was a lot of work, or that it was easier for people who already have it pretty easy. It's funny the way we hold ourselves back.
I feel like I'm finally pulling myself out of this rut that I've been in for so many years, and it feels so amazing. So, this was yet another post written to myself to remind myself to stay on this journey. You're doing something right.

Progress, Not Perfection

One of the ways I used to get in my own way was having an all or nothing attitude when it comes to making changes. I did it for years with smoking, I would quit for awhile, have a cigarette in a moment of weakness, and instead of just chalking it up as a one time mistake, I would just tell myself I failed, and go back to smoking. Same thing with meditation, and using positive affirmations. It's all or nothing.
A while ago, when I first started meditating I remember one of guided meditations I did said it was natural to have thoughts come creeping in, and to just let them float away, and not to judge them. For some reason, that really helped me. It allowed me to stop getting pissed at myself if my mind wanders. Some days it doesn't at all, and some days it wanders the whole time. Instead of berating myself, and using it as an excuse to just give up, I just figure, well I tried, and it didn't hurt anything. As a matter of fact, I still feel the benefit even on days when I never calmed my mind.
This has helped me start some positive affirmations that work for me right now. For right now, I am practicing the no judgment rule in regard to my body. I don't know when, if ever I will truly feel like I can look at myself and be like "what an awesome bod" It's what I hope to achieve, but it's way down the road. So, for right now I am working on other positive affirmations like every morning before I even open my eyes, I tell myself several times that Today is going to be amazing! I also remind myself that I want to be the change I want to see, so I need to smile at people, and do my best to spread good vibes into the world. And today, I just looked at myself in the mirror, and worked on having no thoughts or judgments, just taking my body for what it is, and also appreciating all that it can do after all I've put it through.
It's a start, and it's better than nothing. They always say relationships are work, so why should the relationship with ourselves be any different? It feels good to be taking baby steps toward body acceptance, instead of sitting on the sidelines resigned to a life of self loathing.
I keep thinking of the expression progress, not perfection.
There are a million books, and a million people explaining how to love yourself, how to love the skin your in, however they word it. But there is not just one way, and we all have our own demons to overcome. It seems like we just want someone to tell us how to do everything. And sometimes we have to find what works for us, and it might be different than everyone else you know. That's a good thing, it's important to be an individual.

Attitude of Gratitude

Today is the kind of spring day that I haven't experienced in years, if ever. Sunny, blue skies, almost eighty degrees! And it's April! My mind is blown. I wore flip  flops today to run errands, and it felt amazing! My toes love the fresh air. It made me feel so full of gratitude just to be able to walk around today and feel the warm sun on my face. April in Seattle is usually a very grey and rainy affair. Last year at this time I was still wearing a winter coat and knee high boots in the snow belt of PA. I'm pretty sure there were some days even in May where I had to wear a heavy coat. Shudder. I'm learning to have gratitude, and I'm learning how good it feels to feel grateful. There are times in my life where I've been so down and out that it's been hard to feel grateful for anything.  But I now see times in my life where I just simply refused to see the good things I did have.
I think of that quote "you hate your life while some people dream of having your life". This might sound crazy, but sometimes I get a burst of gratitude, and it feels like I'm on some kind of technicolor drug that's making everything so vivid, and it's giving me the warm and fuzzies. I'll be on the bus, and all of a sudden the view is nothing but mountain, and it's so gorgeous, and I live here! This is what I get to see when I'm just riding the bus!
This post is really more just to myself as a reminder that it feels better to be grateful. I hung around with someone yesterday who is a very negative person. Like emotionally draining negative. This person sees the negative in everything. I felt sad and drained after spending a few hours with this person, and it strengthened my resolve to continue to work on seeing the positive. It made me feel both sad for this person, but also a little angry. Since I am new to this whole positivity thing, I can be easily swayed back to the dark, negative side. I fell asleep like two hours earlier than usual last night, because I was so drained.  I don't ever want to be like that. So, this is a reminder to myself to have gratitude in your heart. Hold on dearly, it is too valuable to lose.

Love That Body

Through the years I've had various therapists and family members suggest that I stand in front of a mirror and say positive, loving things to myself. Positive affirmations I guess. It never worked with me. It felt too phony, and not at all organic, which I guess is the point. They say if you do it long enough, it starts to feel more natural, until one day you just believe everything you've been saying to yourself. It was another one of those things that I thought were for other people. Other people who had reason to love them self.
I've grown a little since those days, and I have witnessed how meditation, which at one time was near impossible for me has become possible, and I've seen the positive impact it has had.
In my life so far, I have been underweight, overweight, normal weight, pudgy, thin, and everything in between. And no matter what was going on with my body, I always hated it. No matter how thin I was, no matter how many times a boyfriend complimented me, it just didn't matter. When you are told by your own mother over and over and over that you are ugly, it's kind of hard to have a different opinion. I believed every mean thing she ever said, and truth be told there is a big part of me that still believes that. The battle is exhausting. And I am exhausted by hating the way that I look. I don't even need to look in the mirror and see myself as gorgeous, it's more of just accepting myself, and being happy and healthy with my appearance. It feels like the biggest mountain to climb. It's like hating how I look is my thing, it's what makes me me. But I need to change that. It's serving no purpose, and it's holding me back.
Since I've started a healthier life, and have been actively trying to drop a few pounds, I will catch myself looking in the mirror, and noticing a difference, and feeling really good and positive about myself. Then, as soon as I put on a pair of jeans that fit exactly the way they did six months ago, I end up really getting down on myself. I think I am an idiot for thinking I had lost weight, I feel fat and hopeless, and it just goes on.I need to learn to love my body NOW. Because  now is what matters. What if I never achieve the bod I want? I need to appreciate all my body has done for me. I am strong, I have put myself through so much abuse, and yet here I am, still having the luxury of living and breathing. I feel strong, and I feel healthy. Walking up that hill has become a breeze, and I feel proud of how I've turned my life around.
Looks like I'm going to need to make friends with my mirror. I will definitely keep track of my progress and report back. It's going to be a real struggle, but I have to stick with it.

Resting

Something that I notice in my adoptive parents, and also other Christians I've known is a habit to rest on their Christian laurels. They kind of rely on being a Christian. They don't do a lot of soul searching, or wondering what they can do to make the world a better place. Their answer to most things is "I know where I'm going at the end" Once when I asked them about their choice to not recycle, and they simply don't care because they will be long gone before shit gets real. I was surprised when I made my unfortunate move back to PA to see how little either one of them had grown or changed.
I have a podcast I've been listening to lately, and it's very inspiring to me. What I like the most about it is that it inspires me every time I listen to it to do better, and be better. As a vegan, I was kind of resting on my vegan laurels for awhile. There are a couple of products/ingredients that are technically vegan, but are they ethical is another question. I've read a lot of information, and for quite some time I chose to ignore what I read, because I wanted to use the product, and there are vegans who argue that it's fine, and it is considered vegan. I felt like I'm already doing enough. I'm an ethical vegan dammit. I like being inspired to do better. I want to keep learning how to be and do better until the day I die. I think constantly learning and growing is one of the most important parts of life.
There are so many shitty things in this world, it's hard to keep up sometimes. And it can be exhausting trying to do the right, ethical thing and feel like your fighting a losing battle. It's also easy to get self righteous, and put blinders on to what else you can do.
I feel like we should all be wanting to do what we can at this point to be the change. And that means changing and growing ourselves, always. And that requires more than showing up at church once a week, or choosing tofu.

Crowds

I was born an introvert. I've always preferred a good book to a party. I have always been someone who might have one or two really good friends, as opposed to a huge group. And I've always been okay being alone, as a matter of fact if I don't get enough alone time, I start feeling really grouchy and a little insane. I also like quiet conversations, as opposed to being in a roomful of ten different conversations where everyone is yelling to be heard.
I sometimes wonder if I cross the line from introvert to full blown social anxiety. I can hardly deal with huge crowds, it's overwhelming to the point where sometimes I feel like I will lose my mind if I don't get some open space. I purposely try to get groceries early in the morning before the crowds, and I always had a really hard time at concerts or any kind of live music at a crowded venue. I feel self conscience, like I can't breathe, and it's just never really as fun as I would imagine. When I hear people describe things like a show, or a festival of any kind with joy, I just feel like such a freak because I can't enjoy these simple pleasures.
What made me even think of this was what I experienced today. Sometimes when you're an introvert, the hardest part can be pushing yourself out the door. If you can get yourself going, it's usually okay. So, this morning I decided to go to to the Farmer's Market to see what was up with some veggie inspiration.

This was the scene pretty early on. Sorry, not the best picture, but my allergies were getting to me at this point. I braved the scene to see what kind of offerings they had, but I barely made it out alive. Farmer's Markets seem to have become more of a scene than an actual market. But my point is that in addition to finding it very difficult to cope in large crowds, it's also a very lonely feeling, and it can kind of make you feel like a freak. I look around, and all of these people are totally relaxed and fine meandering through the crowds. They probably go every week, look forward to it even. I always dreamed I would be one of those people. Going to brunch at a crowded restaurant, strolling through the Farmer's Market, catching a show or play, all of those kind of social things millions of people do daily. And make it look easy, fun even.
I spent many years denying this part of myself, and I put myself in situations where i would be in crowded places, and of course I would always have to use alcohol, cigarettes, and whatever other inebriant I could get my hands on to cope, and feel somewhat normal. The problem is I never knew when to quit with the booze, and I have lots of memory lapses, but hey, the crowds weren't bothering me.
Throughout my life I've had various people chide me for not wanting to do certain things. "You don't know what you're missing" Everyone's going to wonder where you are" "You need to get out more" are all common things I've heard said to me by everyone from family to complete strangers. But what people who don't deal with these issues don't understand is it's not fun when you can't enjoy yourself, when you can barely breathe. 
The world, not to mention Farmer's Markets need extroverts just like the world needs introverts.
I guess the reason it feels like your all alone when your an introvert is that, well you want to be alone most of the time, but also we're too busy fighting for our alone time to connect with each other.
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the produce section of Trader Joe's, right when they open.

Dandelions

It's funny what little things you remember. For me, my memories of my childhood are all I have. I have no pictures or mementos of anything from my past. I'm like a spy or something but nowhere near as cool. Every spring, when everything starts blooming, I wait for the first sighting of dandelions. Yes, the weed that drives everyone nuts, and people can't wait to mow down, makes me feel happy. To me, they are beautiful. I remember every year my grandpa would take me on a walk, and I would pick a huge handful f dandelions, and present them to my grandma, feeling very proud of myself. And she was always so appreciative and happy to have them. And not in a patronizing way either, she genuinely thought they were beautiful. We had many discussions about whoever decided they were pesky weeds. I've never found anyone who sees the beauty in dandelions the same way.

Fighting Back

I once knew a woman who was a hoarder. I don't even remember how we met, but I will never forget the first time I went to her house. She had invited me, so she knew she would be having company. I was horrified when I walked in. She was both a hoarder of things, but also a hoarder of garbage. The smell was something I will never forget. She was very casual, politely asking me to "excuse the mess." I didn't know what to say, how do you politely explain the difference between a mess, and a building that should be condemned?
At some point down the road, the subject of her hoarding came up.She told me that she didn't always live like that. She said one day she got depressed, and then BAM twenty years and a houseful of garbage happened. I will never forget that explanation for as long as I live. As I mentioned in my last post, I have battled depression for as long as I can remember, it flows in and out of my life. I have definitely let it take over at times. Thankfully not to the extent of this person I'm talking about, but it could easily happen. I actually use her house as a tool to help control my depression. If something happens in my life that warrants a bit of a breakdown, I give myself a certain amount of days to lose it and wallow, and then it's back to real life, where you do dishes and take trash to the dumpster, etc.
I think the majority of us are creatures of habit, and depression can easily become a habit. Feeling bad starts to become the new feeling good. I didn't hoard, but I coped with depression and lost track of time, though thankfully not twenty years with drinking. It just became normal, everyday life.
The thing about depression is that you have to fight back, and you have to be consistent if you want to keep it from taking over. I've learned that making lists of things you will accomplish for the day is a great way to start. As you cross out things you've accomplished, you start feeling good, and feeling proud of yourself, and things start looking less overwhelming. A lot of things get ignored when You're depressed, and that can lead to getting overwhelmed, which leads to nothing getting done, which leads to more depression, and so on and so forth. It doesn't have to be that way. Sometimes it's the smallest things that can really start a domino effect of good habits. Last week I was having a day where I was just in a funk, and could not shake the blues. I forced myself to take a little afternoon walk, which is not in my normal routine, and the fresh air, and doing something different made me feel better, and it made me feel motivated to continue on with fighting this the healthy way, not delving back into old habits. It doesn't matter what it is, good, positive, self loving actions will lead to more of the same.

Uphill Battle

From birth till around age eight I was a somewhat happy kid. As happy as I could be. Although my mom wasn't the kindest, or most maternal, I had friends and neighbors, and we lived somewhat close to my grandparents, so I had much more good in my life than bad. When my mom married my step-dad, we moved from Columbus, Ohio to a much smaller town in Ohio. Like much smaller. Like a ten with ten thousand people small. My free spirited, no bra wearing, pot smoking mom was a bit much for the PTA if you know what I mean. It was that year that I started getting bullied. It started from the time I got on the bus through the whole day, through the bus ride home. I begged to switch schools, begged at least for my mom to drive me to and from school, and she just wouldn't do it. It was around that time that I really became a loner, and also an introvert. I was only safe when I was alone.
My depression came to a head sometime around fourteen or so. I was in the middle stages of my battle with anorexia, and I just didn't want to live anymore. I made peace with my decision, and I swallowed a ton of pills. I remember padding around the house while everyone was sleeping, and looking in their rooms and saying goodbye. I ended up puking my guts out, and being sick with "the flu" for a couple of days, and to this day no one knows about that first attempt.
Depression has never left me. I just have learned to deal with it through the years. I've been to many psychiatrists, and I've been on many medications. I feel like anti depressants, or at least the ones I was prescribed were more like speed. They always gave me a zip of energy, but yet all the sad dark feelings were still there. I still thought I was an ugly piece of shit, I was just an energetic ugly piece of shit.
The last time I was on any type of medication was more than ten years ago. I had a really bad experience, one where I actually was hallucinating, and when I told the psychiatrist about it, he responded by saying we would just lower the dosage, and then put me on a different medication to balance out whatever was in the first one. I walked out of there that day and have never looked back. I've barely taken an aspirin since then.
I then spent way too many years drinking away my blues. I remember days where it just hurt too much to be sober. Days and days and days where it felt that way. I now know that alcohol is a depressant, actually I knew it then, but when alcohol takes the pain away, it's hard to give it up. The sick thinking is to just drink more, to keep up the facade.
Since giving up the drinking, I feel like I've been able to manage my depression, keep it under control. Even when I was living in PA, which is when I felt the loneliest I ever have, I still managed to keep my depression under control.
Which is why I am so surprised that now, when I am probably at my healthiest, and doing the most I ever have to deal with my issues, I feel like I'm losing the battle with depression. For the last few days I've felt the body aches, the tiredness, taking things personally that I really shouldn't, and just seeing everything in the color bleak. Both yesterday and the day before I had to fight very strong urges to drink and smoke cigarettes. I'm looking for that relief. I don't know what to do with these feelings, and I know sitting in them and deal with them is what I need to do. Whether you are on medication, or whatever your way of smothering those feelings, they don't go away, they only stay and fester. And time doesn't always heal. Sometimes time makes things worse. I'm really writing this to myself, to remind myself that I am on the right path. Meditation and walking, and writing down my feelings, all of these things are far more effective than drinking and smoking away my problems. I know this, I've tried just about every other way to cope, and they don't work. I feel frustrated that depression has hit me so hard, when I have been working harder than ever. But I'm writing this to remind myself that I don't want to go back, I don't want to medicate, I want to heal. I can do this.