Memories

Yesterday I walked by a record store(they still exist) and they were blaring Raspberry Beret by Prince. As I was waiting for my bus, I was of course humming along and tapping my feet. The song had memories for me, as do all of his songs. But those memories make me feel so sad, and really deeply lonely. It's so weird to not be able to call someone from my past and talk abut the memories. Things people take for granted. Being able to call their sister or brother, or even a cousin and talk about what they were doing when they first heard a song, or memories of dancing to a certain song, or just whatever little memories we all hold on to. It's so weird not having anyone to share mine with. I sometimes can't even tell if my memories are real, or if I'm just making stuff up in my head. Having absolutely no connection to where you came from. It's something I definitely drank to forget.
It's easier to forget living in Seattle, far away from my adoptive family. When I lived in PA, in the same city as them, I still spent every holiday and birthday alone. The first Christmas I went to someone's house where my adoptive mom's whole family was, and I thought I was going to die. It was the most awkward, uncomfortable night ever, and I never went back. I attempted to hang out with my adoptive mother a few times, and she just can't not make me feel bad. It's just not possible to not judge me. She can't get past the fact that I don't share her religious beliefs. It's like it isn't possible for her to see me as a human being, she only sees me as an immoral sinner. So, for almost four years I never once went to a family dinner, or a holiday, or any kind of anything. That was a weird feeling. It makes it awkward in social/work settings when people are talking about what they did for a particular holiday, and I had nothing to add. When you live millions of miles away from family, it's much less awkward.
Like most of my posts on this blog, there was no real point to this post. I guess I just had to acknowledge and express the shock I feel sometimes when I realize I have no one to reminisce with. And it feels so sad and lonely, that it takes my breath away. It sparks that emotional overload where I want or feel a need to escape. But I didn't escape, and that is some kind of progress.