Crowds

I was born an introvert. I've always preferred a good book to a party. I have always been someone who might have one or two really good friends, as opposed to a huge group. And I've always been okay being alone, as a matter of fact if I don't get enough alone time, I start feeling really grouchy and a little insane. I also like quiet conversations, as opposed to being in a roomful of ten different conversations where everyone is yelling to be heard.
I sometimes wonder if I cross the line from introvert to full blown social anxiety. I can hardly deal with huge crowds, it's overwhelming to the point where sometimes I feel like I will lose my mind if I don't get some open space. I purposely try to get groceries early in the morning before the crowds, and I always had a really hard time at concerts or any kind of live music at a crowded venue. I feel self conscience, like I can't breathe, and it's just never really as fun as I would imagine. When I hear people describe things like a show, or a festival of any kind with joy, I just feel like such a freak because I can't enjoy these simple pleasures.
What made me even think of this was what I experienced today. Sometimes when you're an introvert, the hardest part can be pushing yourself out the door. If you can get yourself going, it's usually okay. So, this morning I decided to go to to the Farmer's Market to see what was up with some veggie inspiration.

This was the scene pretty early on. Sorry, not the best picture, but my allergies were getting to me at this point. I braved the scene to see what kind of offerings they had, but I barely made it out alive. Farmer's Markets seem to have become more of a scene than an actual market. But my point is that in addition to finding it very difficult to cope in large crowds, it's also a very lonely feeling, and it can kind of make you feel like a freak. I look around, and all of these people are totally relaxed and fine meandering through the crowds. They probably go every week, look forward to it even. I always dreamed I would be one of those people. Going to brunch at a crowded restaurant, strolling through the Farmer's Market, catching a show or play, all of those kind of social things millions of people do daily. And make it look easy, fun even.
I spent many years denying this part of myself, and I put myself in situations where i would be in crowded places, and of course I would always have to use alcohol, cigarettes, and whatever other inebriant I could get my hands on to cope, and feel somewhat normal. The problem is I never knew when to quit with the booze, and I have lots of memory lapses, but hey, the crowds weren't bothering me.
Throughout my life I've had various people chide me for not wanting to do certain things. "You don't know what you're missing" Everyone's going to wonder where you are" "You need to get out more" are all common things I've heard said to me by everyone from family to complete strangers. But what people who don't deal with these issues don't understand is it's not fun when you can't enjoy yourself, when you can barely breathe. 
The world, not to mention Farmer's Markets need extroverts just like the world needs introverts.
I guess the reason it feels like your all alone when your an introvert is that, well you want to be alone most of the time, but also we're too busy fighting for our alone time to connect with each other.
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the produce section of Trader Joe's, right when they open.