Love That Body

Through the years I've had various therapists and family members suggest that I stand in front of a mirror and say positive, loving things to myself. Positive affirmations I guess. It never worked with me. It felt too phony, and not at all organic, which I guess is the point. They say if you do it long enough, it starts to feel more natural, until one day you just believe everything you've been saying to yourself. It was another one of those things that I thought were for other people. Other people who had reason to love them self.
I've grown a little since those days, and I have witnessed how meditation, which at one time was near impossible for me has become possible, and I've seen the positive impact it has had.
In my life so far, I have been underweight, overweight, normal weight, pudgy, thin, and everything in between. And no matter what was going on with my body, I always hated it. No matter how thin I was, no matter how many times a boyfriend complimented me, it just didn't matter. When you are told by your own mother over and over and over that you are ugly, it's kind of hard to have a different opinion. I believed every mean thing she ever said, and truth be told there is a big part of me that still believes that. The battle is exhausting. And I am exhausted by hating the way that I look. I don't even need to look in the mirror and see myself as gorgeous, it's more of just accepting myself, and being happy and healthy with my appearance. It feels like the biggest mountain to climb. It's like hating how I look is my thing, it's what makes me me. But I need to change that. It's serving no purpose, and it's holding me back.
Since I've started a healthier life, and have been actively trying to drop a few pounds, I will catch myself looking in the mirror, and noticing a difference, and feeling really good and positive about myself. Then, as soon as I put on a pair of jeans that fit exactly the way they did six months ago, I end up really getting down on myself. I think I am an idiot for thinking I had lost weight, I feel fat and hopeless, and it just goes on.I need to learn to love my body NOW. Because  now is what matters. What if I never achieve the bod I want? I need to appreciate all my body has done for me. I am strong, I have put myself through so much abuse, and yet here I am, still having the luxury of living and breathing. I feel strong, and I feel healthy. Walking up that hill has become a breeze, and I feel proud of how I've turned my life around.
Looks like I'm going to need to make friends with my mirror. I will definitely keep track of my progress and report back. It's going to be a real struggle, but I have to stick with it.