Knowing What to Change and What to Accept

I feel like I've lived my whole life up until recently not even knowing myself. Not only not knowing myself, also trying so desperately to be things I'm not.When I was late teens early twenties age, when a lot of people are exploring who they are, I had just left my real family to live with a whole new one. I was too messed up to know how to emotionally process all of the changes that had happened to me recently. I handled my feelings by binging and purging, drinking too much, and obsessing over the wrong guys. I don't even remember having dreams for my future, I was just trying to get through the present. I never imagined that if I didn't think about my future, or try to figure something out, that I would be stuck in the same cycle all these years later. Although I've long given up binging and purging and excessively drinking, and also obsessing over the wrong guy, I'm still stuck in the endless cycle of dead end jobs. I've become quite a minimalist over the years so it's not so much that I want to make a lot of money as it is that I don't want to do the shitty work anymore for such little pay. That's what kills me is being so miserable and having to show for it. I have nothing to show for all my years of hard work. I want more out of life. I want to be happy, and I want to be healthy, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger, and my self esteem was so low, I genuinely didn't think I was smart enough to do anything besides serving food and drinks to people. I've always loved to read, and I read everything, I just don't know how I never made the connection that I wasn't dumb. I guess I also didn't have any real interests besides trying to numb my feelings. I was completely lost. And my adoptive parents were no help. I'm not even saying that out of anger, it's just the truth. They tried to mold me into what they wanted out of a kid. They tried to cram their religion down my throat, and when that didn't work the condemnation came in. I tried their way, I did. I remember going to church, and dressing nice, and smiling at everyone, and everyone seemed so happy to be there, and I was not happy. My cheeks hurt from fake smiling, my soul hurt from being fake, and I always left feeling like what is wrong with me. Why am I such a bad person that I can't get into church. I tried fitting into that kind of life and it wasn't me.
I'm enjoying finding out what is me. I'm living in a new city where I know no one, and so no one has expectations or opinions about me. I'm free to be who I want to be, with no pressure from anyone. I'm looking at myself honestly the good and the bad. I've had some bad habits that I've carried around for years. Habits that manifested from pain and confusion. It feels good to see the bad, and instead of judging and hating myself, working on how I can change.
When I moved to Seattle all those years ago, I felt like I could breathe. I felt like I could be me, and no one was going to judge. No one was telling me to go to church, no one was telling me anything! I felt free to be friends with who I wanted,talk to who I wanted. It was like a new chapter. After only about six months of living in Seattle, I was able to stop binging and purging. It was a miracle, because when I was adopted my purging habit dramatically increased.
Now that I've moved to a new city and state again, I feel the same feeling. Like this is a new chapter of my life. I feel freer than I ever have, and I actually feel better and stronger than I ever have. I hope I can accomplish my goal of finding a way to live that doesn't involve minimum wage and a uniform!

Reality Bites

I think I always knew that my adoption was a mistake. I remember meeting my adoptive parents families, and thinking what have I gotten myself into? It was horrible. I have not one common interest as them, there is nothing like minded at all. The only thing any of us share is we're human. Now, I understand that plenty of people feel like strangers with their own families, but in my case I don't even share DNA with these people.
I used to dread visits to see their family. My adoptive mom has a ton of sisters and one brother. Her sisters are the kind of women who I go out of my way to avoid. They love the mall, and they love to gossip. I want to crawl out of my skin when I'm around them. And it's no one's fault. It's just that we weren't really meant to be in each others lives.
I cut off all communication with my adoptive family about a year ago. They haven't tried to reach out to me, and they knew what I went through recently. losing everything, and I mean everything and they didn't offer to help. Not that I expected help from them, I'm just making the point that they have clearly accepted my decision.
Although I know that my decision is the right one for me, it doesn't change the fact that is scary to be out in this cold world alone. I don't have a hometown, I don't have a childhood home to go to. There will never be a time when I am called home for a family crisis. I was watching some reality competition type show, and the contestants families were there cheering them on, and I realized if I were on this show, I would have no one, unless they allowed my cats to come cheer me on. It's a good thing I have no aspirations of being on a reality competition show!
I guess being in a new city, and feeling lonely has made me really realize what it's like to have no home base. I have to find somewhere to make it work, because I have nowhere to go, and no one to lean on, it's up to me. And that is the scariest, loneliest feeling ever.

Just No

I had a dog walking client last week that wanted me to let their dog out more than just walking it. It was costing me money to go back and forth, so one day I decided to hang out at a park near their house and read a book in between visits. I had my little space under a tree, the park was safe, I was happy. About six feet away from me a man pulled up a spot under a tree, obviously planning to do the same thing. As time went on, I noticed that this man was allowed to sit in the park and do his own thing, but for me it was a different story. Four different men walked right on by the guy, and didn't force conversation on him, but somehow couldn't do the same for me. I got asked if I was okay, even though I was showing no sign of distress, quite the opposite actually. There was a softball game going on in the field, and another guy decided he had to know my thoughts on softball. I actually have no thoughts on softball. That same day, later on in the evening as I was waiting for my bus, in a not so well lit area, two different men pulled their cars into the empty parking lot next to the bus stop to ask if I wanted a ride. Not a good day for men.
I'm sure those guys at the park thought they were being nice, and friendly, but I disagree. I don't like to be forced into conversation, and if I chooses to not engage, I am considered a bitch, or whatever insult they want to hurl my way. I am a nice and friendly person to be honest. But, when I'm sitting at a park reading a book and minding my own business, I don't want to be hit on. And I certainly do not feel safe when I'm alone in a not very well lit area, and a strange car pulls up offering a ride! I mean, I try not to bash men, I try not to make the typical men are dumb jokes, but come on! How dumb can these guys be to think a woman is going to get in a car with a strange man? Do they know it's 2016? I don't even think a naive teenager would be that gullible at this point.
I just wish men knew how creepy, and insulting it is to not be given the same respect as men. And I wonder if men know how scary it is to have a car pull up next to you in the dark, It's scary. I always want to ask men that do that if they have a daughter, or sister, mother, whatever. Think of the female in your life, would you want her to feel that fear?

Monday Musings

This past Saturday was the Salt Lake City vegfest. I believe it was the first ever vegfest here. I also have never been to a vegfest. I signed up to volunteer one year in Seattle, and good old social anxiety mixed with a hangover got the best of me. I wanted to go so many years, but crowds really overwhelm me. And in Seattle, almost everything is crowded and overwhelming. I decided to try this fest out. I kept it to myself though, because I've lost track of how many times I plan on doing something, and in the end I change my mind. Since moving to SLC, I've been pushing myself to step out of my comfort zone a little bit. What I've been realizing is that I've been stuck in stagnant for awhile now. While I was living in Seattle, I may have been not drinking and all of that, but I wasn't doing all that much to make my life better. I allowed my depression to really take over, and I didn't even realize. So, one of the ways to change is to grow, and experience new things, and get new perspectives. And you have to challenge yourself.
So, I went to the vegfest, I was the first person there for the first SLC vegfest, and it was my first time at any vegfest, so that's pretty cool. And guess what? I lived. No one killed me, I wasn't laughed out of the place, whatever worst case scenario I thought might have happened didn't. And it wasn't even that crowded, which is one of the benefits to going to places early. I had fun, I left when I wanted and everything is fine. And I am proud of myself. I pushed myself. That's what it comes down to a lot of times is just pushing yourself.
I think that this is probably the most clear headed I've ever been. I'm eating healthy, sleeping good most nights, crying when I need to cry, allowing myself to go through the grieving process, and just trying my best to be kind to myself. It sounds kind of funny to say this, but sometimes when you are used to living life in full self destruct mode, it can take a lot of work to be kind to yourself.
I hope that I continue on my positive path. I like hopping on here every now and again to write about something positive like this. I hope it will keep me motivated.

Musings

Yesterday morning I was gazing out of my kitchen window while doing my dishes. My neighbors were out in their yard enjoying the beautiful morning. It appeared to be an adult daughter and her mother. They were at total ease with each other, the way most healthy mother daughter relationships seem to be. It gave me that uncomfortable ache that I try like hell to ignore. That void in your soul that is just there, and it's not going away. I never had that with my birth mother as a child or teenager. And I also never had that with my adoptive mother. As a matter of fact, at this point I have zero relationship with either. My adoptive mom tried, she really did. But we are two very different people with very different outlooks on life. And My adoptive mom cannot handle the fact that I don't share her religious beliefs. It's a big problem. I think when she adopted me she assumed I would just discover that their way is the right way. She never stopped to consider what would happen if I didn't "see the light"
The funny thing is that I feel like I would have a good relationship with my birth mother as an adult. I've come to accept that I am so like her, good and bad. I think we could have worked through our issues, and maybe become friends. Maybe not, I'll never know. But, I think it would be helpful to at least be able to talk to someone who thinks like me, and feels like me.
I feel like it must be a very comforting feeling to have someone who will always be there for you, and always listen to you. Someone you can confide in, and who will give you a hug when you need it. That person who will come and take care of you when you're sick, go shopping with you and watch movies when you're well.

Dog Day Afternoons

I've been working my way back into doing guided meditation. It's been a little over a month since I've done anything. I tried once, when I was still in Seattle, staying with my ex and it was almost impossible. I couldn't even sit through one minute. I feel like I need it now more than ever. I desperately want to make some changes in my life. I don't want to live the rest of my life being miserable in my dead end job, barely making it and losing everything over and over. It's no way to live, and it's been my life for so long. It's drained me, and I never even really realized how much. I was too busy drinking and smoking away the pain.
It's not like I have dreams of hitting the big time or whatever they say. I just want to have a little dog walking business. I've lived on or below the poverty line for my entire adult life, so I don't even need to make a ton of money. I just want to get some enjoyment out of what I do, and live my modest little life.I'm putting it out there, I'm visualizing, I'm manifesting, I'm setting it free in the universe. I really hope I can make it happen.
I've been working so hard on my health, and I know from experience that working in these miserable environments is not good for my happiness or health. It's always the same story, I start out swearing that the negativity and misery is not going to get to me, and it always does. After a month I'm standing outside smoking and bitching. Then, hating myself for it. It's a nasty cycle.
I'm hoping that by starting up meditation, and other healthy habits I can continue on the journey to health and healing. And I really hope my vision turns into reality.

Letting Go

For two and a half weeks, before I moved to SLC, I stayed with my ex boyfriend. I know I shouldn't say anything bad about him, I should just be grateful that he let me crash, but man it was a challenge. He made my life very difficult, and I was already going through one of the worst experiences of my life. He is someone that lacks any empathy towards anyone. It's funny how I was friends with him for so long, and I never noticed this trait. I guess this is why you don't make friends when you're drinking to the point of blackout every night. I find myself being surprised by his behavior all the time, but I was friends with him for ten or eleven years before we ever dated.
I remember one day, before I decided to move to SLC, I was trying to find a second job in Seattle. I was on my way to drop off a resume, and we were having a discussion that was getting dangerously close to an argument. I asked him if we could finish the "discussion" when I got home, and he said he had to say "one more thing". Well, the one more thing was something really shitty. and it hurt my feelings. I don't even remember what the discussion/argument was about, or what the shitty thing was. But I know that it upset me, and it was super hard to go take this resume to wherever I took it. Like I was struggling to hold it together as it was. There were many times in the short period I stayed with him where he almost pushed me over the edge.
He also has a knack for bringing me down when something good happens. There have been many times where for whatever reason I'm feeling really good, in some cases even celebratory, and he will pick some petty little fight, or choose that moment to bring up something from the past, some way that I annoyed him, and it just has to be pointed out right then.
It's funny, not too long ago I read an article on how often we will pick romantic partners who remind us of the parent who hurt us most. D has qualities of both my birth mom, but also my adoptive parents. As a matter of fact, my adoptive parents loved him.
As is the case with situations like these, it's only I that can change things. He isn't going to change. His classic response to everything is "this is who I am" So, if you have a problem with anything he does, it's just that your problem. And sometimes he even takes such offense, that you are the one who ends up apologizing.
I don't know why it's so hard to completely let go. It might be because I have so few people in my life that I have any kind of history with. I do think of him as family in some weird way. And I keep hoping that one day, my dear old friend will reappear, and things can be amazing again. But that day is not coming.
For now, I'm working on focusing on the things and people that make me feel good. I guess I'm hoping that I'll just naturally faze him out. I'm one of those people who ignore the hundred nice things people say, and focus on the one bad thing someone says. I have to stop letting him be that person.