I feel like I've lived my whole life up until recently not even knowing myself. Not only not knowing myself, also trying so desperately to be things I'm not.When I was late teens early twenties age, when a lot of people are exploring who they are, I had just left my real family to live with a whole new one. I was too messed up to know how to emotionally process all of the changes that had happened to me recently. I handled my feelings by binging and purging, drinking too much, and obsessing over the wrong guys. I don't even remember having dreams for my future, I was just trying to get through the present. I never imagined that if I didn't think about my future, or try to figure something out, that I would be stuck in the same cycle all these years later. Although I've long given up binging and purging and excessively drinking, and also obsessing over the wrong guy, I'm still stuck in the endless cycle of dead end jobs. I've become quite a minimalist over the years so it's not so much that I want to make a lot of money as it is that I don't want to do the shitty work anymore for such little pay. That's what kills me is being so miserable and having to show for it. I have nothing to show for all my years of hard work. I want more out of life. I want to be happy, and I want to be healthy, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger, and my self esteem was so low, I genuinely didn't think I was smart enough to do anything besides serving food and drinks to people. I've always loved to read, and I read everything, I just don't know how I never made the connection that I wasn't dumb. I guess I also didn't have any real interests besides trying to numb my feelings. I was completely lost. And my adoptive parents were no help. I'm not even saying that out of anger, it's just the truth. They tried to mold me into what they wanted out of a kid. They tried to cram their religion down my throat, and when that didn't work the condemnation came in. I tried their way, I did. I remember going to church, and dressing nice, and smiling at everyone, and everyone seemed so happy to be there, and I was not happy. My cheeks hurt from fake smiling, my soul hurt from being fake, and I always left feeling like what is wrong with me. Why am I such a bad person that I can't get into church. I tried fitting into that kind of life and it wasn't me.
I'm enjoying finding out what is me. I'm living in a new city where I know no one, and so no one has expectations or opinions about me. I'm free to be who I want to be, with no pressure from anyone. I'm looking at myself honestly the good and the bad. I've had some bad habits that I've carried around for years. Habits that manifested from pain and confusion. It feels good to see the bad, and instead of judging and hating myself, working on how I can change.
When I moved to Seattle all those years ago, I felt like I could breathe. I felt like I could be me, and no one was going to judge. No one was telling me to go to church, no one was telling me anything! I felt free to be friends with who I wanted,talk to who I wanted. It was like a new chapter. After only about six months of living in Seattle, I was able to stop binging and purging. It was a miracle, because when I was adopted my purging habit dramatically increased.
Now that I've moved to a new city and state again, I feel the same feeling. Like this is a new chapter of my life. I feel freer than I ever have, and I actually feel better and stronger than I ever have. I hope I can accomplish my goal of finding a way to live that doesn't involve minimum wage and a uniform!
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