Something that you hear people say a lot about girls/woman they perceive as damaged is that they have "daddy issues". Certain types of sleazy men even like finding women with "daddy issues". So many creeps. I never knew my dad, so believe me I'm sure that I have daddy issues. But what I've really come to realize is that I have "mommy issues". I have complicated relationships with women, I'm very easily intimidated by women, especially older women, or very loud women. But, when it comes to relationships, I somehow find men and have relationships that somewhat echo my relationship with my birth mother. I find men that either are emotionally unavailable, or men who I don't feel safe with. I find relationships where I don't feel loved, or valued. And I somehow find men who are more than happy to make me feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting to feel loved, and listened to.
Years ago I was at an eating disorder clinic and we had family therapy day, which for me was very weird because, well family. Anyway, we had to make family trees to figure out the roots of our problem. I had to make one for my family(I did my birth family) and they had me do one for my boyfriend at the time because we lived together. When I was done with mine, my therapist pulled me aside and asked if I noticed the similarities between my mom and my boyfriend. At the time I really didn't see the connection, I was young and super in denial. Plus, I really wasn't supposed to be having any bad feelings, because I had a shiny new family. I've thought about what she pointed out from time to time, but now I'm ready to really get in there and figure it out. I cringe at some of the ways I've allowed myself to be treated, and some of the bad ways I've allowed people to make me feel.
They say the first step is admitting the problem. I'm admitting this to myself, and now that I recognize, I can start to heal.
I have dreams like everyone else, and I want to achieve them, and I want people in my life who encourage and inspire, not drag me down.
Progress not perfection.
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