I'm Affected

One thing I know for sure is that I can do all of the working out, clean eating, meditating, on and on and it can only do so much. There are things in life that you can't om away, and I guess you have to face them, and not let them rule your life. Or something like that.
I have a thing in my life. I have several, but the one I'm thinking of right now has taken me many many years to admit is a problem. I was adopted. Not as a baby or even a small child. I was adopted right before my eighteenth birthday. I'll save all of the details about my home life for later, but let's just say there were some abuse issues in my life, and at sixteen I tried to run away from home. I didn't make it very far, and I was put on probation. I ended up being sent to a group home for wayward girls. It was a Christian group home. They took away all of my music because it was secular. I remember I didn't even know what secular meant! All we were allowed to listen to was music by Christian artists. It was very hard for me to deal with this environment, as I was raised very differently. Anyway, I had a therapist who was a very nice woman. When it came close to my release day, the therapist sat me down and explained that she felt nervous to send me home because they were just sending me home to the same environment. She invited me to spend the weekend with she and her husband, and I agreed. They had a nice house, and they were very very nice to me. They seemed to actually like me, which was not something I was used to.
After the weekend was over, she asked me if I'd like to come and live with them, instead of going back home, if it was okay with my mom. The temptation of living with people who had no children, and so desperately wanted one and who would be nice to me was an amazing temptation, and I agreed, as did my mom.
My adopted mom has a huge Italian family, like seven sisters and a brother, and they are all very loud. My adopted dad has a very religious and also extremely bigoted family. I remember his mom was seriously exactly like the old Church lady skit from SNL. I came from a small family, who were mostly very liberal and definitely not hardcore Christian.
It was just expected that I would call my new "family" mom, dad, g ma, g pa, all of those things. But I couldn't. I just could not, and I always felt like I was letting everyone down, and there was something wrong with me. I feel like I've blocked out a lot of details, but mostly I remember constantly feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
I have so many more details to talk about, and I will, but I wanted to take this first step and say out loud that I am lost. To fast forward, I moved to Seattle so many years ago I believe to find myself, and breathe. I missed my birth family, and I lost contact with everyone when I got adopted. Anyway, when I moved back to PA, I was suddenly living in the same city again, I had gone "home". But it was the opposite of home. I hated living in Erie PA more than any place I've ever lived in my entire life, and let me tell you I've lived in some places. And I still remember the first Christmas I got roped into going to dinner with the Italian side of the family, and I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin I was so uncomfortable and felt so out of place. And, I don't like them. The sisters are gossip-y and snobby, and their teenage children are the same. It's like being in a house full of women of various ages who aspire to be the Kardashians, or something of the sort.
The terrible truth is I don't care for anyone in either family, including the people who adopted me. And the truth that they would never admit because it just wouldn't be the Christian thing to do is they really don't like me either. The "mom" cannot be around me for more than two minutes without trying to convince me of my evil ways, and to come to the Jesus side of life. She has said to me on many occasions that she "is worried for my soul" because I'm not saved or don't go to church, or whatever Christian thing she feels I need to do.
The older I get, the more I see how much I'm like my real mom, and I wonder what it would be like to have someone to talk to who thinks more like me. I just have this void that I'm starting to realize has been haunting me for so long.  I feel like I've tried so many things to fill that void, and not only has nothing worked, but most things I've tried have been extremely self destructive. I can't fill the void, but I can try to heal the pain, and find some way to forgive myself, my family, my other family, and find peace with myself, and my situation.
I guess that might be the direction I take with this blog. When you can't afford therapy, start a blog. I already feel like a little pressure has been released, and I haven't even gotten to the nitty gritty yet.
I've spent so many years of my life in denial that this adoption had any kind of negative impact on my life, trying to be like everyone else with more traditional families, and I just don't want to anymore.
So, to wrap this up for the day, I guess expect to see some hashing out about my life, and choices and such.