Closure

Closure is an important step in healing, or so I've been told. Closure is something that I deeply crave, but rarely have. I was in the group home for wayward teens, and left to go live with my adoptive parents. I never even went back home to get my things, say goodbye all of that. I don't even remember making that decision, or why or anything. I'm sitting here typing this thinking, why wouldn't I have gone to get some of my stuff, or say goodbye? So, I never said goodbye to anyone in my real family. All the discussions about the adoption and details were talked about by my birth mom and my adoptive dad who is a lawyer by the way.
A few months after the adoption I got a letter from my grandparents saying I had made my choice, and I chose a whole different family, so I made my bed I guess. I was devastated. I loved my grandparents more than anything in the world. I should have tried to talk to them. I was too young and too fucked up in the head to make such a huge decision that would affect my whole life. I can't talk to my grandparents now, and try to explain and make it right. Unfortunately they have both passed.
I also never will get closure with my adoptive parents. They believe that they came along and saved me, and God intervened and everything they do is because of Jesus and on and on. Any time in my life since I have known them if I dare question or have a problem with anything to do with them, well let's just say the price I pay is just not worth it. You see, she is a therapist and he is a lawyer, and so they both are absolutely the best at twisting words and situations, and before you know it you are questioning everything about yourself, and you feel horrible for whatever it was that you felt. They are both the most successful in their families, and also are both the oldest of their siblings, so they are always the ones to bail everyone out. Whether it's loaning money, handling this, dealing with that, they help out, never needing help. They have their shit together a little bit more than everyone else. They tell you what's wrong with you, you don't tell them.
So the last time I tried to have a conversation about my feelings ended in disaster. I received the nastiest email ever from my adoptive father. He tore me down like I was nothing. I haven't spoken to either of them since. This was in October.
I will never be able to have closure with my birth family, and I apparently will never have closure with my adoptive parents. At this point in my life, I want nothing to do with them. I see them as a mistake in my life, like a lot of my past relationships. I have to somehow find the closure within myself, I guess. Maybe I need to go to the desert and yell out my feelings and then sit in a sweat lodge, I don't know.