Stuff Happens Beause of Things

I sometimes wonder what my relationship with my birth mother would have been like with me as an adult. I wonder if we would have been able to work through our issues and have a good relationship, or if her inability to love me would have just continued. I wish so much that things would have been different, because I often feel like she's the only person that would understand how I feel.I just feel this connection to her that makes no sense since truth be told, we were never close and I haven't seen or spoken to her in years. It's like when I'm feeling really deeply lonely, or I'm feeling frustrated because no one understands how I feel, I feel like she would, because it's exactly how she would feel. Without wanting to, or meaning to I am just like her.
I think once I was adopted, and it was decided that she was the enemy, and everything she did was wrong, it had to have messed with my head. I know that I have spent many years aggressively fighting and denying who I really am. And feeling ashamed of who I am. I'm not blaming anyone, I certainly know that no one wanted me to feel that way, but unfortunately it happened.