Safe Place

When my new family adopted me, the narrative became angelic them saving poor old me from the evil mother. It's always noted how loving and amazing they must be. I know that in their hearts they thought they were doing the right thing, and I don't mean to portray them as bad people, but now that I'm older and wiser I see things differently, and I see ways that they created this narrative for my life that isn't accurate, and I can't pretend I think drinking and living an unhealthy life made ignoring all of this a lot easier.
My adoptive parents couldn't have kids of their own Not sure why, I know they went through all of the tests and what not. Anyway, they also have about the most dysfunctional marriage I've seen It's weird, they claim that they love each other, but when they're in the same room you can feel the hate. They can't stand each other, and it is palpable But yet, they think they have an aces relationship, and have the nerve to try to coach other people on relationships! It is a nightmare to be with the two of them, because they will bicker back and forth, and try to get you involved and taking sides and it is just unbearable. But they claim that the bickering is just their little cute way of being with each other.
It is really weird and uncomfortable.
I remember when they first adopted me, they mentioned they had gone through several adoption agencies and been rejected. At the time I didn't think anything about it because I was seventeen and didn't really know much, but now it really makes me wonder They are upper middle class with no criminal records or anything like that. They are typical church going people who do all the right things by society's standards. Why the hell would they get rejected? I should have asked I feel it most likely had to be psychological or the people interviewing noticed the hate between them or something. Men and women who are both employed, educated, own a house, earn good money, and desperately want a kid usually get a kid at  some point It makes no sense. And I remember the desperation in I'll call her D's eyes. No matter how old I get I will remember those desperate eyes.
I spent so many years away from them when I lived in Seattle the first time. During those years D never once came to visit, and I'll call him M came to visit two times. They never once offered to help me in any way, as a matter of fact any time I was going through a hardship, and by hardship I mean having no food or being evicted, they would refuse any help. M always said they couldn't afford to (lie) and D came right out and said that they did not approve of me living in Seattle, and if I would just move back to Erie, they would be able to help more. That is not unconditional love, that is control. D also admitted by accident that they were hoping to change me when they adopted me Like I was a fixer upper I was good, but with a little work I could be brand spanking new. I tried their church, and I'm sorry, it isn't for me. I am an open minded person, and I try not to make opinions when I have no facts, or haven't experienced something for myself. I tried to go to their church, and be Christian, whatever that meant, and it didn't work for me It didn't feel authentic. I am agnostic, and I no longer will be ashamed. If I'm wrong, and the Christians are right, it's okay because I don't want to worship anyone who would allow the terrible pain and suffering of this world. What the fuck, if that guy exists he is an asshole. And I could write a book on Christian people. Oh my gourd, in a future post I will definitely share my experiences in that weird world
I just realized something, I talked about closure the other day, and how I will never have closure with my adoptive parents because they would never listen. Well, this is a pretty close second to closure. I feel so much better rambling about my feelings. I have talked to very few people about how I feel in my life. To be honest, even knowing how I feel about this situation is somewhat new to me.
The few times I have tried to talk about my feelings in regards to my weird family history, I feel like I'm told how I should and shouldn't feel, and it just makes me realize I should keep everything inside.
So, thanks blog, and thanks to all five of you who read this, it really is doing wonders for my mental health. It's like a safe place I come when I'm struck with a thought or feeling.