Here I Am

Today is a very hard day for me. My mind is such a mixed bag of emotions, and they're all moving around so fast I feel like I can't get control over myself. I've had this feeling of dread all week to be honest, I finally figured it out on Wednesday or Thursday, the feeling of doom is because Sunday is Mother's Day. I've done my best to fight the blues, but I have failed miserably. This week was a beautiful sunny week here, and even the sun didn't help me. And the sun almost always makes me feel better.
I feel an ache, and a sadness that I've come to accept will always be there. It's more intense this year than it ever has been, and I think the reason why is that I can no longer lie to myself. I lived far away from my adoptive parents for many years, so I created this fantasy in my head that somehow became my reality in where everything was perfect with my adoptive parents, I made the right decision, and a perfect, loving family relationship was waiting for me. Over the years my adoptive parents continually reminded me that I was making everything a mess because I didn't want to live in the shitty city they live in, and I was the one who chose to move so far away. Over the years I stopped talking to them whenever possible because that was their answer to every single problem- "move home" Excuse me, but where exactly is my home? They didn't understand, and either did I at the time that I had no home base. I didn't consider their home, or them to be my safety net, or my heart, or whatever else people call home. As a matter of fact, my adoptive mom's answer to any and all problems are these two things, "move home" and "find Jesus" Once I finally was living in their home city, her answer to everything became "find Jesus"
I wish I could go back in time and put so much more thought into that huge, life altering decision. Or, at least go back in time and pull my head out of my arse and tell myself to stop drinking for one second and get a grip, and figure some stuff out.
The worst thing is not having anyone to talk about this with. That's why I randomly pop up and type this stuff here, it's the only outlet I have. People get super uncomfortable talking about weird family dynamics, and it frustrates me when someone tries to tell me how I should feel, or what I should feel towards my adoptive family or birth family. It's really easy to tell someone how to feel when you aren't, have never, and probably never will be in their shoes.
The important thing to me right now is that I've made it through yet another day that brings out the emotions, and normally would be a day where I would drink them away. And I'm not doing that. Yesterday I wanted to buy beer and cigarettes so badly. I haven't wanted to drink and smoke away my feelings that much for awhile. But, I didn't, and here I am, feeling pretty bad, but I'm feeling the feelings, and trying to not judge them, or myself. And, here I am blogging about the mess that's in my head today!