Committed

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for my hill walk, I realized there is no way I can put a sneaker, or any other closed heel shoe on my heel. So, I put my flip flops on and told myself"no excuses". As soon as I stepped outside, I learned it was raining. Not super hard, but much more than a drizzle. I instantly thought of going back to my cozy apartment. I had the thought that I could go on the treadmill in the gym in my building, or I could easily find a cardio workout on YouTube. But I made myself do it. I trudged up and down that hill in the rain, in flip flops, walking through many puddles that I couldn't see, almost slipping in the wet leaves, and loving every minute of it. I don't like the rain. Never have, probably never will. But yesterday morning the rain felt like life, and I soaked it all in. When I got home, I realized that these morning walks have little to do with exercise, and everything to do with commitment and discipline. So far in my life, everything I've learned about commitment I've learned from my cats, so I have a lot more to learn. This is about the good and the bad. Happiness is a choice, and it isn't just handed to us. We have to be committed. We have to push ourselves, and sometimes go through rough patches. I know all of this, but in the past at some point I just give up, and choose the easier, more self destructive route. I see now that a pattern of mine is to let one excuse turn into another, until my goal is forgotten. I'm doing everything in my power to stop that cycle.

I found this picture at a thrift store. How's that for luck? This is my favorite Dr. Seuss sentence EVER! Usually I feel it is relevant to my passion for animal rights, but I also am using it for inspiration for my own self love.
Happy Saturday!

Sports Injuries

I'm feeling so dang athletic this week. I came home Wednesday from my trek, and the entire back of my left sock was red. I had a bloody heel. The day before I was out and about, and I was breaking in a pair of shoes, and then I was breaking in these sneakers and my heel paid the price. I live in flip flops in the summer, and now that I'm back In Seattle, I've been able to rock my flip flops through October. So, my heels are tender from being able to live free! But, because I am determined to continue on with my goal, yesterday I wore flip flops on my trek. It was either that or not do it until my heel heals. (ha) The old me would have let my bloody heel, and the rain be an excuse to not do this. Which also would have opened the door for a whole day of self loathing, and probably making some bad choices along the way. I'm starting to really understand how life is just a series of choices. And those choices set the mood for other choices.
I used to look at people who seemed to always make the right choice as some kind of special breed. Some people really do make it seem effortless, and I just always thought they had something I didn't. At the time, I guess they did. They had the ability to make healthy, happy choices. I did too, but it was buried so deep under my funk.
I'm only the third day in, so I still have far to go. But to put things into perspective, I once made a goal with myself to have a twenty four hour drinking day. Yes, that's right, twenty four straight hours of drinking. No sleep, little to no food, and lots of cigarettes to go with my beer. Yikes. What makes that even worse, I think I made it longer than twenty four hours. There was a time when I had quite the tolerance! I'm not proud or bragging, but my bad choices are part of my life, and part of me. It's easier to talk about some of the bad choices when you're working on making better ones.
I think I am very slowly finding my way in this big, bad world!

Hills

These are my feet yesterday morning getting ready to go tackle that hill. My feet really wanted the flip flops! Don't mind the paper shreds. One of my cats got into it with a paper towel. She really showed that mean paper towel!
First of all, I would like to say that I have a whole new respect for people who work out at gyms. When I see women out and about in their workout gear, they look so easy, breezy, carefree. They make it look easy, and I admire that. I on the other hand, need some practice. I tackled the hill around 6:30 or 7:00 A.m., so it was still dark, and I like it that way. Those spandex leggings are no joke. I felt like a field roast sausage in casing, and I worried about what type of underwear are you supposed to wear? Like I said, I'm walking up a hill, so my bum is really out there, you know? I also feel like the leggings were tight in some areas, and oddly baggy in other areas. It's spandex, so I guess baggy is the wrong word. More like saggy. There are sags in weird areas. Am I alone in my fears and anxieties about workout gear? I can say this, it would have to be a world wide emergency for me to be seen in public with this get-up on! After a few minutes of weird anxiety, I told myself to shut the eff up. The point of this adventure is not to look cute.
You know how there is the in your face spicy food that hits you right away, and there is the spicy food that creeps up on you, sometimes long after that first bite? Well, this hill was a slow burn that crept up on me. One second I was thinking to myself "this hill isn't really that big of a deal", and the next I realized I was very winded, and almost had to stop for a breath! I couldn't believe how quickly things changed! I made it to the top, and continued my walk for a little longer to catch my breath. I felt very sporty. the walk down was also a nice cool down.
I had some errands to run yesterday, and when I got off the bus, I looked up that hill and said, "you did that!" It feels great, and I think this will be an easy habit to get into.

I saw this card yesterday at Trader Joe's, and I had to buy it for my wall. The picture isn't the best, so if you can't read it, it says "She planted and tended until wild beauty took root." That's what I'm trying to do for myself. Plant and tend to myself, so I can be the most beautiful version of myself. I'm talking about what matters, the inside. Replace wild with inner.
I've done a lot of self destructive things in my day to get that "high" where you just feel so good you can't think about the bad. But nothing ever feels as good as taking care of yourself, and keeping promises you make to yourself.
I don't know how long it's going to take for this hill to be easy for me. But I'm going to enjoy the journey. There is no way I would be able to do this challenge if I were still smoking cigarettes, so this will be good in helping me keep up the good, smoke free fight!

Making the Tough Choice

I love working out. I always have, even as a kid. I also loathe and detest gyms, so I've always worked out at home. Way back in the day it was VHS baby, back in the day it was DVD, and now I have any type of workout I want on YouTube. I say all of that to say what I wear doesn't matter, and I workout barefoot because carpet! As an adult, other than converse, I have never owned tennis shoes. I can't stand them! I loathe the way they feel so clompy on my feet. But, I needed tennis shoes and something decent to use for my new goal. I was waiting for the bus the other day, and I was staring across the street at this pretty big hill. I was thinking how that hill looked like it was waiting to be walked(hiked) up. This was actually last week sometime. So, that dang hill hasn't left my mind. I finally realized, I need to walk up and down that hill. Like every day. And keep track of my progress.
Up until about a year and a half ago I was a complete mess. Full of self loathing, finding any way I could to be self destructive, and just unhealthy. I have really been working on myself, but I have to admit I do feel like I've hit a wall. I feel stuck, and some days I feel tempted to smoke some cigarettes and drink some beer. In some ways my life felt more vibrant when I was indulging in unhealthy behavior.
It's getting to be the grey rainy season in Seattle, and to be honest the constant grey and drizzle is getting to me, and it's only just begun! When will I learn that I need to live in a mostly sunny climate! So, I have some hurdles in my health and happiness journey. I think walking up this hill every day will be a fun challenge, and I think it will keep me motivated to keep doing what I'm doing. And I know I will feel proud of myself, and nothing feels better than being proud of yourself. It's a pretty new feeling for me, and I like it.
The one thing I do like about the rainy season is the air always feels so dewy and fresh. So, I want to breathe in that fresh air. I think it will be good for my brain, as it will just be me and my thoughts. I don't put things in or on my ears to listen to when I walk, because I need to hear if the killer is coming. I've been stuck in my happiness journey as well. I just feel blocked, and stuck and I don't like it, so I think this goal is going to really push me to figure some things out.
I plan on keeping track of my progress here. I plan on doing this daily until the hill feels like flat land to me. After that, maybe I'll find a steeper hill. Seattle is a hill-y city, so it shouldn't be too hard! The only time I plan on missing a day is if I am sick, or if it is raining like there's no tomorrow. But as long as it isn't killer rain, I AM COMMITTED.
In a perfect world, we are surrounded by supportive people who help to motivate us when we need it. Well, one thing I know is the world isn't perfect, and we don't all have people who help keep us motivated. In a lot of cases there are people who want to pull you down not lift you up. Along with loving yourself is being your own motivator. Right now I have two choices. The easy choice is to give in and say eff it, and go back to my self destructive ways. It's easy, and it's what I know, and it's safe. The tougher choice is to keep pushing myself to be the best me I can be, and find my own healthy way in life. It's scary, unknown, and the harder choice. But for once, I am going to be brave and walk away from the safe, yet toxic choice.
It's Wednesday, and so I'm super late, but this hill is definitely my positive vibe Monday for the week!

Laugh Away the Harsh

                                           
Here's a funny little clip from The Kroll Show with Jenny Slate, who I was talking about yesterday. Laughter is so important to balance out all the darkness of the world. I'm talking gut wrenching, snorting, tears running down your face laughing. I really respect people who can bring that kind of joy into my life. I've worked at two comedy clubs in my day, and it's very helpful being surrounded by comedians. They always have the most hilarious ways of trashing customers who are driving you insane! Lewis Black once performed at one of the clubs I worked at, and he stood at the waitress station all night chain smoking, and he would say the most deliciously evil things about some of the frat boys that were in the crowd being HORRIBLE!  The Kroll Show is on Hulu Plus, and also I think Comedy Central's website. It's really worth a watch, it's one of the funniest shows I've seen in awhile.
I also wanted to mention something that really gets on my nerves.
I also wanted to throw a friendly little reminder out into the universe that asking people invasive questions is never really okay. I have never been married, and have no interest in marriage for my own reasons. I also don't have children. And no, I won't "change my mind". And, just because I feel that way does not make me some kind of abnormal, selfish woman. I don't dread people asking the question if I'm married with kids, because I don't feel any shame in my answer. But I dread the question because I dread most people's response. It's almost always some sort of sympathetic gesture, or every now and then it's some sort of reference to being carefree and no responsibilities. I haven't figured out which is worse. Sometimes when I say I've never been married I even get the wide eyed "not even once"? As if being a triple divorcee is better. I am in no way saying there is anything wrong with triple divorcees, but I also certainly don't think it's better than never being married! Neither is better, both are fine. And I certainly don't owe any stranger, or any person an explanation. I have heard every joke about what is wrong with me, what is wrong with men, what is wrong with my choice in men, and on and on.
It's uncomfortable, and awkward to be questioned this way by strangers, and also very invasive.  I don't feel like a barren, bitter spinster, and I also don't feel like a carefree party animal. I regret sooooo many decisions I've made in my life, but I don't regret not getting married and having a family. That being said, I do sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I would have gone that route, but I'm sure people who are married with children sometimes wonder what if. I feel like that's kind of human nature to wonder. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong.
Can we all just respect each others life choices, and not judge and assume so much?

Musings

The other day I was reading an awesome new newsletter called Lenny which is put out by Lena Dunham and Jenni Konner. It's a great newsletter full of interesting articles. Some I've read have been very serious, and some funny. It's a nice balance I think. I was reading a hilarious piece by the amazingly talented Jenny Slate. As I was reading the article, she was talking about a quirk of hers. She was mentioning that she could see where other people wouldn't appreciate it, but that she loves it about herself. Those were her exact words. "I love this about myself". I have to admit those words took me off guard for a minute. Not in a bad way, but in a world where we are supposed to change every little thing, or take a pill to wash away our quirks, to see someone love something different about themselves made my day. I have asked if not every, almost every boyfriend I have ever lived with if they could just love some of my quirks instead of getting annoyed. Since I currently have felines for roommates, I think we all know the answer.
Just like how it's almost second nature to talk away compliments, I think it's second nature to hide our quirks from the general population. And it certainly is not the norm to say out loud that you love or admire anything about yourself. It's funny, it's drilled in our heads to love ourselves, but we aren't really supposed to talk about it. We need to keep it to ourselves, like a dirty little secret. We live in such a weird world with such strange, conflicting messages.
I hope that at some point in my lifetime, those words "I love that about myself" aren't so startling and unusual. Loving things about yourself doesn't make you arrogant.
Anyway, just my random thoughts on something that I've been thinking about a lot. I feel like as I've been on my journey to health, I've mentioned to different people in my life that I'm proud of something I've done, and I feel like I've gotten some side-eyes. It made me feel weird, like I was being arrogant, and it kind of silenced me, at least with those people.
I hope you check out Lenny if you haven't already. I'm always happy when it shows up in my inbox. And if you haven't heard a lot about Jenny Slate, search around. She is on this show called The Kroll Show and one of the skits where she plays one of two PR type people named Liz is seriously enough to give your abs a hardcore workout from laughing. She also in an excellent movie called Obvious Child.

Dinner for One

Today I wanted to talk about one area of loving yourself that I feel like doesn't get talked about much. I wanted to talk about preparing meals. So many single people that I have known and know don't bother to really cook for themselves very often. When they do prepare food, it's usually totally boring and simple. Now, if you don't know how to cook, or just don't enjoy cooking that's fine. But I've known of a lot of single people who enjoy cooking, and will cook up a storm when sharing a meal. Having only condiments in the fridge is definitely not just a bachelor thing. I have nights where for whatever reason I just can't be bothered to cook, and I have plain rice, or a frozen veggie burger. I appreciate having the luxury of having that choice, as I don't have the responsibility of feeding a human family. But as a general rule I like to make food that I put some thought into. I feel like I deserve it. I also enjoy cooking, but that really is beside the point. The more I do to take care of myself, the stronger I feel as a person. So many things go into really being your own best friend. I really encourage any single person to cook a nice meal for themselves if it's not already a routine. It feels very soothing. I know a lot of recipes are for at the very least two people, but over the years I've learned what foods I like a lot of, so leftovers are cool, and other recipes I've learned how to cut it down to one serving.
It's almost less about the cooking, or the meal, and more about loving yourself enough to take that time, at least a few times a week.
Happy Friday!

Two Simple Words- Thank You.

This clip cracked me up. It's so true too! I guess that's one of the many reasons Amy Schumer is the best. She makes us laugh at the truth, which isn't always easy to do. I've made a conscience effort in the past few years to just accept compliments, not argue them away. When I was younger, especially in the throes of my eating disorder I was the worst. If you had the audacity to compliment me, you paid the price by hearing a long, detailed argument of why you were wrong, and I was hideous. It's funny how hard it is sometimes to just say "Thank You". Now, I love random compliments. Have you ever been having one of those days from hell, and a stranger compliments you, or even just shows kindness in some way, and it just shifts the direction of your day? I also like to give strangers compliments. I love it when it takes them off guard, and they just get a little extra pep in their step. I wonder if men argue compliments away the way some women do?

I saw this candle yesterday while I was out and about, and I had to get it. It smells so citrus-y which always makes me feel happy and energized. It says it has lime peel and essential oil of immortelle. I have never heard of that oil, but it sure makes for an awesome candle!
I hope everyone who reads this has a happy day full of compliments!

Unsubscribe, a Rant

When I first went vegan, (almost seven years ago!) I went vegan cold turkey. I read a PETA pamphlet that convinced me that being vegetarian wasn't enough. For me, and the changes I want to make in the world. I feel it's a very personal decision, and most of the people who stick with veganism seem to be the people who feel it in their own heart, in their own time. At that time in my life I didn't even own a computer, and to be honest I had no real interest in owning one. So I went vegan the old fashioned way, I read labels, read cookbooks, and relied on my own common sense, and I continue to learn as I go. I didn't die of any deficiencies, and I learned so much on my own. I didn't know any vegans at the time, so I was just doing it on my own. I remember those early days when it took me like five hours to grocery shop because I had to read every stinking label!
Once I got with the times, and started searching the world wide webz to see what was going on in the vegan world, I discovered tons of vegan blogs most of which I still read today, along with many new blogs I've learned about through the years. I also discovered vegan YouTube. While there are some amazing vegan YouTube channels that are very positive and uplifting, and also focused on spreading the vegan MESSAGE, not vegan judgment. Unfortunately the more popular channels seem to focus on a lot of negatives.There are endless videos of vegan YouTubers calling out OTHER VEGANS for their food choices, or their weight. There are also of course endless videos of vegan YouTubers calling out non vegans for their choices as well. While I don't agree with calling anyone out, at least a vegan calling out a non vegan for their food choices makes more sense than judging and calling out someone who is eating a VEGAN diet! And there also seems to be an obsession with being lean. I understand we have an obesity problem, and obviously lean is healthier than obese, but there is a whole grey area. I have also heard more than one vegan YouTuber imply that only lean people should speak out about the merits of the vegan diet. If you aren't lean, I guess you're an embarrassment to your community. The newest fad seems to be for one vegan to call out another vegan, then the called out vegan does a response, and then the other vegan does a response to a response, and it's just gag inducing. I seem to stand kind of alone in my opinion, as these response and response to response videos seem to be really popular, as are the videos with a lot of food and body shaming. If you dare to question any of these vegan "experts", well, just prepare to be attacked. If you disagree, you must be a) obese and totally unhealthy and b) not a real vegan.
The frustrating thing is how they react if someone disagrees. I don't want to be called obese or not a real vegan because I don't support negativity, and I think all of this judgment and shaming, and weight obsession is hurting and not helping the vegan community. I want to save animals, I want people to be kinder. I bite my tongue so often because I know the power of words, and I don't want to make a snarky comment to a non vegan and be just another judgmental vegan. It's a turn off. No one wants to join a club with a bunch of unpleasant people ready to judge you for not eating the right vegan foods once you have become vegan.
I hope that as vegans we can remember that while it's important to want to look vibrant and healthy to represent the vegan diet, we also have to think of our words. A lot of really mean people are very attractive on the outside. It doesn't mean I want to join them.
Also, I feel like I look pretty damn vibrant and healthy even if I'm not at my optimum weight, with zero percent body fat. And I am not obese, and I am a REAL vegan.

Suzy Sunshine

Many many years ago I worked at a Gap store in a mall. Sometimes I can hardly believe it myself! Anyway, I worked with this girl who I will call Suzy because she was so happy like Suzy sunshine. Anyway, she was a genuinely sweet, happy person. She could deal with the crappiest customer EVER, and never lose her sweetness. She would never trash them after they left, which is one of the only perks of working in retail. She was the kind of person who would drop everything for someone and help them out with no judgment. I was friendly with her at work, but at that point in my life I hung out with a darker crowd. At that time, she seemed like a mythical creature to me. It seemed impossible that someone could be so happy and content with their life. She seemed like someone who must have had a "perfect" life. The rest of us peasants had to deal with all the bumps of life, somehow Suzy got to float above it all.
I've thought of Suzy often over the years. She's kind of my happy person idol. I've realized I want to be like Suzy. I've come to realize that positive thinking isn't something we are born with, and oops some of us just got skipped. Positive thinking is a choice. Letting things that don't really matter roll off your shoulders is a choice. It takes work.Negative thinking is the easy, lazy way out.
Suzy left work in the same condition that she came to work in. Happy, satisfied with her day. For most of the rest of us, we left battered and bruised, and in need of a drink and a cigarette. But we had all done the same job, and dealt with the same people. We just chose very different ways of dealing with it.
It's taken me many, many years to really understand it, but I think I'm finally getting it. Happiness is a choice. Choosing to see the positive while dealing with the negative is a choice. It's really hard to break the pattern of "stinking thinking", but I think it's worth it. I want to be like Suzy.

Positive Vibe Monday

The other day I was on the bus, route number 40 to be exact. We were going down west 85th street, and while I wasn't feeling horrible, I wasn't exactly skipping with joy either. As the bus went down the hill, there was the most amazing view of the Olympic mountains. Just right there for the viewing. The sun was shining perfectly, and it reminded me how lucky I am to be living back in Seattle. Ballard is my favorite neighborhood in Seattle, and I lived here back in the day, and remember that view from that bus vividly. I used to dream of it in PA. I used to feel so sad thinking of how many times I was on that bus and didn't appreciate that view. Never again, no matter what kind of mood I'm in, I will never take that view for granted again! You don't know what you got till it's gone is so true!
Two more things happened that day that made me so happy! I saw a vegan food truck, which made me realize how far I've come. That would never exist in Erie! I also saw a guy proudly walking down the street with a shirt that said Kale! The ones that were super trendy a few years ago. In Erie I was about to gag if I saw one more person wearing camouflage, not ironically, and not because of any fashion. Most people there would probably ask you what kale is! Ha!
I'm making this promise to myself today that I am always going to take joy in what is right in front of me. I've spent so much of my life trying to find joy, and escape pain that I missed a lot of small things that can make for a pretty dang good day. There is too much ugly about this world that if you don't let yourself see the beauty you'll go nuts. Or become a negative, toxic person. I know too many of those kinds of people, and I don't EVER want to become that way.  That's one of my biggest fears.
I'm going to try to have every Monday on this blog be all about good vibes. I will be talking about three things that made me happy, or three amazing things happening in the world, the sky is the limit. I just wrote myself a Post-it note, so hopefully I remember to keep up good vibe Monday. I think we all miss a lot of beautiful moments waiting for something to happen to make us happy!
A Good Life is a Collection of Happy Moments- Dennis Waitley

Getting Crafty

This green juice is very significant in my life. If this were just two years ago, this green juice would be a beer, followed by many more. Maybe if I was feeling fancy, it would be a glass of wine. You get the point. As someone who in the past has soothed myself in all kinds of unhealthy ways, I can say with 100% confidence that green juice is the clear winner. Green juice is the Bernie Sanders of healing your soul. It's not green juice specifically, it's the act of taking care of yourself and your body. I think a lot of us, myself definitely included abuse ourselves further when someone hurts us. Whether it's a partner, friend, family member, or whoever. That's been my MO for most of my life.
It feels so nice to allow myself to sit with my feelings. I'm not drinking or smoking them away. I feel like not only am I healing my current wounds, I feel like I'm figuring out a lot of things from my past, and healing old wounds. I have lots of old wounds I drank and smoked away. Learning to cope and deal in a healthy way is a work in progress for me.

Yesterday was a grey and rainy day, so I had a spa and craft day and it was perfect. The bottom picture is one of my favorite homemade masks. It's just half of an avocado with some turmeric powder and a little agave. It makes your skin so baby soft and nothing was harmed, killed or tested to make it happen! I also made these pen holders. You know the canisters that The Republic of Tea come in? Well, I just covered them with double side tape, and yarn! I happen to love mustard yellow and eggplant purple together, it's one of my favorite color combinations. The really hilarious thing is that that combo is the team colors of the university of Washington Huskies! I am by no means a sports fan, so the fact that I even realized this after I made these is pretty miraculous on it's own! It was a fun craft to do. I plan on getting some different colors of yarn as I have more canisters. It's a fun rainy day netflix/podcast project. So much cooler than a hangover.
You know there is that old saying "looking good is the best revenge"? And that quote morphed into different variations all having to do with looking "good" or "hot" as the best revenge. Well, I challenge that quote, and I say "feeling good is the best revenge". I always think the most attractive people are the people who are truly happy with themselves, and their life. It's something that comes from the inside, not any outer feature.

Protect Your Joy!

There are a million quotes about how we allow people to treat us. I think I first heard Oprah say "people treat us like we allow them to treat us." I was in a bad place in my life, in a different toxic relationship. I wasn't in a place to really accept that, and make changes in my life to demand better treatment. It's kind of hard to demand others treat you well when you are shitting all over yourself worse than anyone else ever could. I used to think expressions like that were for other people. People who were worthy of being treated well. Up until recently, I didn't know it was possible  for me to feel worthy of respect.
Back when I was smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol every day, my body was very used to those toxins, and it didn't notice that I felt like crap. Crap was the normal. Since cutting those things out of my life, my body is now as toxin free as possible for me. The few times I have slipped for whatever reason and partaken in either or both of those habits, my body immediately feels invaded by poison. I can't believe I ever allowed my body to be that polluted. My body now rejects toxins, and craves health and self love.
I now feel the same way about relationships. I don't want to spend time or energy on people who make me feel bad. I have given enough of my life to people and things who make me feel bad, and try to steal my Joy. Life is hard, and there are so many challenges, and so much sadness that Joy can sometimes be hard to come by, so how dare someone try to steal it!
I'm just starting to learn that loving yourself is sometimes hard work, as is any relationship. It seems easier sometimes to just go with the flow, and not make waves, or make too many demands. But if we don't act on our own behalf, who will?
Now that I have become healthier both inside and out, just like my body  no longer accepts cigarettes, I can no longer accept people who make me feel bad, or situations that make me feel bad. Life is too short. The time we give to toxic people, places and things is time we will NEVER get back.

Emotional Laziness

You always learn things after a break-up. You see where you took some wrong turns, and sometimes you see the red flags that were there all along, you just somehow chose to ignore them.
Something I've learned is if someone is a lazy person in general, most likely they are going to be lazy in the relationship. As much as we hopeless romantics want to say love is love, and relationships should be just nothing but love and more love, the truth of the matter is they do take work. It takes compromise, and learning to grow and change, and also still be yourself. They can be amazing and wonderful, but only if they are nurtured.
My ex is a very lazy person in his free time. He feels that making macaroni and cheese from a box is really too much work. I actually have never met a lazier person in my life. I am not saying this out of spite, I am speaking the truth. It's actually kind of admirable in a weird way. You don't see that much dedication to anything these days. I never really thought about how his laziness affected our relationship other than my general annoyance at the fact that asking him to do anything around the house resulted in me doing it. 
When someone is too lazy to wash a single plate, how much work do you think they will put into the relationship? I don't want to make generalizations about all lazy people everywhere, but my ex will most likely never grow and change because, well that might take away from his zombie killing time.
When someone is lazy in a relationship, the relationship goes stale. 
It's very hard to not take it personal. I'm still working on that one. When someone refuses to do any kind of work on themselves, it kind of makes you feel worthless. Like you aren't worth fighting for. But the person is lazy, and they don't want to change, or even if they do it's just too much damn work.
I don't know if this is always the case, but with the lazy person I am speaking of, apathy goes right along with his laziness. Double whammy for me, apathetic people drive me INSANE! I will never go down without a fight, and I have to believe we can fight and change things for the better. We have to.
I'm finally really understanding that when someone shows you who they are, you have to listen.
As someone who can easily sink into the blues, and make poor choices to cope, it's hard to be a partner to a lazy person. I don't mind being the motivator sometimes, but I need to be motivated sometimes as well!
I don't want this to seem like I think we always have to be moving. I am a homebody, I wish I could work from home. This is about laziness above and beyond physical. My ex reads nothing. He gets his news from Reddit. He doesn't want to have conversations, like he just doesn't want to talk. He wants to talk to whoever he is talking to online as he's shooting zombies. He doesn't read any books, magazines, online articles, doesn't like or care about music, After knowing him for what seems like a hundred years, I don't know much that he does care about. It's actually very sad. I feel bad for anyone who is that dead inside.
Anyway, like the dense Donna that I am, I just made that connection today for the future me. If someone shows signs of laziness in their life, there is a good chance they might be lazy when it comes to a relationship. Proceed with extreme caution!

Trying to Figure it all Out!

Well, today was a beautiful, almost seventy degree sunny day. I was able to wear flip flops in October! I love it so much! I went about my day, running errands and such, and thought long and hard about what I wanted this blog to focus on. This morning I felt like it was going to be all about my ex boyfriends, and me, and relationships, but now I think I still want it to be about that stuff, cause I have lots of junk/baggage to work through. But I also kind of want it to be about other stuff too. Sometimes there are things I want to write about on my other blog, but since that is a vegan blog, I try really hard to keep it focused on vegan food, and other vegan issues. So, I guess this will be a whatever I feel like I need to talk about blog. I've been taking some writing classes at my local library, and one of the instructors said when you think or feel something, write it down. Write everything down. I have certainly been doing that! I have at least five or six notebooks filled with thoughts, feelings, some short stories, you name it! Since I am trying to grow as a person, and heal old wounds, I figure why not blog about some of it? Maybe some of my mistakes can help someone else. Maybe working through my mistakes can help me. I feel like the name and direction of this blog might change as I do, but I feel like this is something I need to do.
So, for right now expect lots of talks of exes, and storytelling, and lots of ranting, some vegan related, some life related!

Testing Testing

Hi there. I am currently going through a very painful beak-up, and so I am going to blog about it. I am going to vent my emotions in a healthy way. This is new for me, as usually I go the self destructive mode when dealing with a break-up. This time around, I am not going to hurt myself. I am not going to punish myself.
I don't exactly know the direction I'm going to go with this blog, but I hope it can help me heal, and maybe help others because heartbreak really blows.
I hope that through writing about this experience, and experiences I have had in the past I can heal myself, and not allow myself to be in any more toxic relationships.