I've always admired people who don't let much get them down. I can think of coworkers I've had who never really let rude customers get to them, or if they do it's very temporary. They are able to shake it off so easily, where I was always the one to cry, or get super mad, or I would have to have a million drinks after work to calm down, which really didn't work. My Joy has always been easy for people to suck.
I was waiting for the bus the other day, and a little girl was skipping down the street, in her own head, unaware of the cars driving by, or anyone else on the sidewalk. She was carefree at least in that moment. I thought back to when I was her age, and I couldn't really remember ever feeling that carefree. I've always been afraid to get teased, or laughed at. I went through an unfortunate punk stage as a late teenager, and the main reason I wanted to look "hardcore" was so that people would be too scared to look or laugh.
Meditation seems to helping a little bit with letting people steal my happiness. I feel like lately I've been able to shake negativity off a little easier. But I don't really know if I will ever skip down the street with abandon.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Moving Foward
Yesterday was the perfect day for running errands, sunny, breezy, and crisp. It was the picture perfect spring morning. I went to my favorite neighborhood in Seattle, Ballard. I was walking down Market Street which is full of cool independently owned shops and all kinds of coffee shops, bars, pubs, and restaurants. You can find food ranging from the cheapest teriyaki to restaurants that are way out of my budget. It's a super interesting place to be if you like to people watch. Market Street would for sure make my top five list of favorite places in Seattle.
As I was walking down the street, I really took in a whiff of kind of fresh air, and took note of how great it felt to be out and about in the morning with no hangover, and no need for a gallon of coffee and a million cigarettes to get going. If you've ever smoked cigarettes, you know how good it feels to not smoke cigarettes. An appreciation for really deep breathing. I like walking around feeling healthy with other healthy people. I've always enjoyed being around healthy people, it's just that I felt like I was mucking up the place with my toxic ways.
As I was walking down the street, I passed a guy standing outside having a cigarette and a red bull. It looked like maybe he worked in one of the shops. I remember those days so vividly where I had to have coffee and a red bull to function. I lived that way for too many years to admit.
When you're on a journey towards health, it's so easy to criticize yourself over the changes that aren't happening as soon as you'd like, and not take time to acknowledge the changes that have happened. After I passed red bull cigarette man, I breathed in a huge gulp of air, and felt gratitude for the fact that I didn't need or want a red bull or cigarette.
As I was walking down the street, I really took in a whiff of kind of fresh air, and took note of how great it felt to be out and about in the morning with no hangover, and no need for a gallon of coffee and a million cigarettes to get going. If you've ever smoked cigarettes, you know how good it feels to not smoke cigarettes. An appreciation for really deep breathing. I like walking around feeling healthy with other healthy people. I've always enjoyed being around healthy people, it's just that I felt like I was mucking up the place with my toxic ways.
As I was walking down the street, I passed a guy standing outside having a cigarette and a red bull. It looked like maybe he worked in one of the shops. I remember those days so vividly where I had to have coffee and a red bull to function. I lived that way for too many years to admit.
When you're on a journey towards health, it's so easy to criticize yourself over the changes that aren't happening as soon as you'd like, and not take time to acknowledge the changes that have happened. After I passed red bull cigarette man, I breathed in a huge gulp of air, and felt gratitude for the fact that I didn't need or want a red bull or cigarette.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Meditation Musings
I was reading an article on anxiety earlier, and the article suggested a few things for people who didn't want to take medication for it. Meditation was one of the things strongly suggested. They really said anything to slow down your mind, and focus on getting your breathing nice and slow, and allow the oxygen to calm you. So, of course yoga was another suggestion. It's funny, through the years when I talk about yoga, some of the most frazzled, stressed out people have been the ones to speak up the most about how they just can't get into yoga. And it always seems like they're the ones who need it most. I know for a fact my anxiety and inability to quiet my mind had a lot to do with my inability to stick with meditation. Nicotine and alcohol did nothing to help with the racing thoughts. And also, before I gave up coffee on a daily basis, I had a serious hardcore habit. I also did my time gulping down Red Bulls. I shudder to think of how much caffeine and whatever other weird stuff I put in my body.
I noticed an improvement in my yoga practice as soon as I gave up the ciggies. It wasn't just being able to breathe deeply without wheezing, but it was just a calmer sense of being.
I never really fully understood when people would say things like one healthy habit leads to another, because every time I would try one healthy habit, all the unhealthy ones would really get in the way, causing me to give up before I could possibly notice any results. But, now I understand that expression so much. I find myself making healthy choices naturally, without having to debate with myself.
I truly can't believe I am saying this, but it is possible to find some relief from what ails you emotionally. Feeling your feelings won't kill you, and having a good cry, or two hundred good cries doesn't make you weak, it helps you become strong. It's not holding you back, it's helping you move on, and it helps with anxiety. Holding in a bunch of negative emotions definitely causes anxiety, and all kinds of bad stuff.
I feel benefits from meditating even on days when I feel like my mind never quieted. It's like you get credit for at least trying. Part of loving yourself is accepting that none of us are perfect, and but it's important to try. It's important to try to be good to yourself, so we can be better to each other.
I noticed an improvement in my yoga practice as soon as I gave up the ciggies. It wasn't just being able to breathe deeply without wheezing, but it was just a calmer sense of being.
I never really fully understood when people would say things like one healthy habit leads to another, because every time I would try one healthy habit, all the unhealthy ones would really get in the way, causing me to give up before I could possibly notice any results. But, now I understand that expression so much. I find myself making healthy choices naturally, without having to debate with myself.
I truly can't believe I am saying this, but it is possible to find some relief from what ails you emotionally. Feeling your feelings won't kill you, and having a good cry, or two hundred good cries doesn't make you weak, it helps you become strong. It's not holding you back, it's helping you move on, and it helps with anxiety. Holding in a bunch of negative emotions definitely causes anxiety, and all kinds of bad stuff.
I feel benefits from meditating even on days when I feel like my mind never quieted. It's like you get credit for at least trying. Part of loving yourself is accepting that none of us are perfect, and but it's important to try. It's important to try to be good to yourself, so we can be better to each other.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Nature V. Nurture
Everyone says we become like our parents the older we get. To hear some people talk, it's almost unavoidable. I have memories of my mom, but obviously they are slightly hazy for several reasons. But, I am so much like her. The good and the bad. She had very little patience, especially with me, but also in general. So many of my quirks I remember in her. I wonder how much more I would notice if we were still in each others lives.
One of the YouTube channels I watch took a visit to her mom's house, and it was funny how much the daughters apartment is similar to her mom's house with decorating, and similar nick knacks and all of that. It was probably totally accidental, and they probably don't even notice it.
Many people will probably go to their grave swearing that they are nothing like their parent, even if they are. Some people fight it, some accept it, and some people genuinely aren't much like their parents. It's all really fascinating.
I've always felt a sense of disappointment from D, my adoptive mother. I think I've said this before, but I think they both just assumed that all I needed was to be introduced to the Christian(the right way) way of life, I would bloom, and we would all be a happy, God fearing family. I always felt that I was disappointing them, and never understood why. It's an impossible problem, because the way I see it, they are who they are, and I am who I am. It's not fair to think I should have to become Christian when I don't even believe just to feel loved and accepted, but I also understand that they feel very strongly about their beliefs, so what to do? At this point, I do nothing. I have no desire to try to fix the problem. I do desire to fix the ache, the void.
These are all feelings that are pretty new to me. I did a lot of bingeing and purging, and a lot of drinking to deny all of this. When I have these strong bouts of memories, or strong feelings, it really helps me to write it here. Even if sometimes(most of the time) it's totally scattered. It helps. It keeps me from doing some kind of dumb self destructive thing to numb my feelings.
It makes it real, there's no going back, I am dealing with this. I remind myself of that every time I just want to stop being healthy, and just go back to my old ways, I am doing this. I've already waited far too long.
One of the YouTube channels I watch took a visit to her mom's house, and it was funny how much the daughters apartment is similar to her mom's house with decorating, and similar nick knacks and all of that. It was probably totally accidental, and they probably don't even notice it.
Many people will probably go to their grave swearing that they are nothing like their parent, even if they are. Some people fight it, some accept it, and some people genuinely aren't much like their parents. It's all really fascinating.
I've always felt a sense of disappointment from D, my adoptive mother. I think I've said this before, but I think they both just assumed that all I needed was to be introduced to the Christian(the right way) way of life, I would bloom, and we would all be a happy, God fearing family. I always felt that I was disappointing them, and never understood why. It's an impossible problem, because the way I see it, they are who they are, and I am who I am. It's not fair to think I should have to become Christian when I don't even believe just to feel loved and accepted, but I also understand that they feel very strongly about their beliefs, so what to do? At this point, I do nothing. I have no desire to try to fix the problem. I do desire to fix the ache, the void.
These are all feelings that are pretty new to me. I did a lot of bingeing and purging, and a lot of drinking to deny all of this. When I have these strong bouts of memories, or strong feelings, it really helps me to write it here. Even if sometimes(most of the time) it's totally scattered. It helps. It keeps me from doing some kind of dumb self destructive thing to numb my feelings.
It makes it real, there's no going back, I am dealing with this. I remind myself of that every time I just want to stop being healthy, and just go back to my old ways, I am doing this. I've already waited far too long.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
I Heart the Library!
I don't know if anyone remembers that old Golden Girls show, but there is an episode where Rose writes a letter to Mikhail Gorbachev expressing her concerns over nuclear war. He is touched by the letter, and wants Rose to read it at a press conference. The only problem is he thinks the letter came from a little girl, not a senior citizen! I always think of that episode when I think of my own writing.
I've also learned that writing your own story can be healing. Sometimes I still can't believe that I have written about my adoption and all of that here, online of all things, but really it has made me feel better, not worse. I opened the door, and it won't close now, so I have no choice but to deal with my feelings.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Treats
I have always needed an escape from my feelings. When I was bulimic, anything upsetting would lead to a binge. I now see that not being able to deal is what lead to my excessive drinking. Once I overcame that hurdle, I just kind of started eating my feelings. When my ex boyfriend and I were living in PA. I felt sadder and lonelier than I ever have in my life. Things were so bad with us, and I had absolutely no emotional support, it was rough. I have vivid memories of eating sleeve after sleeve of oreo cookies, just mindlessly shoving them in my face. In addition to that, I wasn't eating that healthy in general. My ex boyfriend had the palate of a super picky two year old, so I was eating way too much pasta, and fried foods, and just a lot more of a junk food vegan diet. It was unthinkable to just have some vegan ice cream, you eat the whole pint. You don't have a few oreos after dinner, you have them all. While not even really tasting, or appreciating the food anyway. Talk about empty calories. Crying while shoving food in your face is not really what nourishing yourself is all about.
Ever since moving back to Seattle, I've really stepped up my health game, and I haven't really eaten my feelings in awhile. Quite the opposite actually, I've been feeling, and dealing with my feelings. I'm so behind, I'm dealing with feelings from way long ago. And I'm learning things about myself, and facing truths, and this time I am really trying to change, I'm not phoning it in. And I'm not being half assed, I'm working hard. I'm proud to say that while I may still be a mess, things really are happening. I recently bought two pints of a new vegan ice cream. I mean, vegan Chunky Monkey, come on. So, I wanted to try these two flavors for my vegan blog. I was pretty scared, thinking I could easily lose control. But, when I tried the chunky monkey, I put a small amount in a bowl, and I enjoyed the hell out of it. It satisfied my sweet tooth, and I genuinely did not need or want more. I felt satisfied! It was amazing. Ice cream can be my friend again. I've done the same thing with the second flavor. I really enjoyed the flavor of both ice creams so much more than just mindlessly shoveling it in my face until the pint is gone. Any enjoyment of the treat is ruined by the feelings of self loathing, not to mention the sick feeling in your stomach.
It feels so good to feel like I can have treats, and I don't have to punish myself. I've learned a little bit of ice cream makes you feel much better than too much.
It feels so incredibly freeing. Going through the process and feeling your emotions is so much easier and less painful than the things I've done to mask, or shove down my feelings.
Ever since moving back to Seattle, I've really stepped up my health game, and I haven't really eaten my feelings in awhile. Quite the opposite actually, I've been feeling, and dealing with my feelings. I'm so behind, I'm dealing with feelings from way long ago. And I'm learning things about myself, and facing truths, and this time I am really trying to change, I'm not phoning it in. And I'm not being half assed, I'm working hard. I'm proud to say that while I may still be a mess, things really are happening. I recently bought two pints of a new vegan ice cream. I mean, vegan Chunky Monkey, come on. So, I wanted to try these two flavors for my vegan blog. I was pretty scared, thinking I could easily lose control. But, when I tried the chunky monkey, I put a small amount in a bowl, and I enjoyed the hell out of it. It satisfied my sweet tooth, and I genuinely did not need or want more. I felt satisfied! It was amazing. Ice cream can be my friend again. I've done the same thing with the second flavor. I really enjoyed the flavor of both ice creams so much more than just mindlessly shoveling it in my face until the pint is gone. Any enjoyment of the treat is ruined by the feelings of self loathing, not to mention the sick feeling in your stomach.
 |
| A nice treat! |
It feels so incredibly freeing. Going through the process and feeling your emotions is so much easier and less painful than the things I've done to mask, or shove down my feelings.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Consistency and Hope
Consistency. This is a word I never gave much thought. It's a word that gets thrown around a lot, especially by fitness experts you read about, or watch on YouTube/TV. I used to roll my eyes actually when I heard people talk about consistency. Because for me, the one consistent thing was I needed a cigarette and a beer. And I hated everything about my life. Even when cigarettes and beer weren't a part of my life, I usually hated most parts of my life. So, throughout the years I would try various healthy habits, but I would give up for one reason or another. Yoga has been consistently in my life for almost ten years now, but for several of those years I was definitely phoning it in. Yoga was often interrupted by a hangover, or the need to create a hangover.
I think consistency goes hand in hand with hope. When you don't have any hope that your life can mean something, there isn't a lot of need for consistency. Why stick to the program when the program isn't going to help you anyway?
I credit that damn hill I've been trekking for teaching me this lesson. It's the point that I make myself do it even on dark, raining cold days when I really don't want to. When my very loved cat Dylan passed in January, I shut down. But I sill trudged that hill, and for many days I cried the whole trek, but I did it. And wouldn't you know, that ended up meaning something. The hill has lead to me starting and sticking with a meditation practice, which is something that I've started and stopped a million times in the past. Obviously, you have to stick with things for them to work, but also there is this feeling of pride you get when you stick to things, and it is amazing, and it definitely feels better than any drug I've done, and I've done a few! And, it really is true, one good choice leads to another, until you're just making the right choices, without even thinking about it.
Although I get frustrated a lot, feeling like I'm not dropping the pounds as fast as I think I should, the truth is I can see results from the harder workouts I've been doing. It's only a matter of time before I have a six pack, or twelve pack or whatever we're supposed to have. That isn't really even my goal, but I'm starting to see the cuts! And almost everyday I notice benefits from meditating. I'm calmer, I have A LOT more patience, and I feel much more connected to my intuition. I feel like two months of meditating has done more than YEARS of therapy.
What's most important for me is that I have hope. Each time I notice a positive change in myself, I feel a little more hope that maybe I actually will be able to create the life I want.
I am becoming a person who I used to give the side eye. I'm gushing on about consistency, and hope and all of that stuff. And I LOVE IT.
I think consistency goes hand in hand with hope. When you don't have any hope that your life can mean something, there isn't a lot of need for consistency. Why stick to the program when the program isn't going to help you anyway?
I credit that damn hill I've been trekking for teaching me this lesson. It's the point that I make myself do it even on dark, raining cold days when I really don't want to. When my very loved cat Dylan passed in January, I shut down. But I sill trudged that hill, and for many days I cried the whole trek, but I did it. And wouldn't you know, that ended up meaning something. The hill has lead to me starting and sticking with a meditation practice, which is something that I've started and stopped a million times in the past. Obviously, you have to stick with things for them to work, but also there is this feeling of pride you get when you stick to things, and it is amazing, and it definitely feels better than any drug I've done, and I've done a few! And, it really is true, one good choice leads to another, until you're just making the right choices, without even thinking about it.
Although I get frustrated a lot, feeling like I'm not dropping the pounds as fast as I think I should, the truth is I can see results from the harder workouts I've been doing. It's only a matter of time before I have a six pack, or twelve pack or whatever we're supposed to have. That isn't really even my goal, but I'm starting to see the cuts! And almost everyday I notice benefits from meditating. I'm calmer, I have A LOT more patience, and I feel much more connected to my intuition. I feel like two months of meditating has done more than YEARS of therapy.
What's most important for me is that I have hope. Each time I notice a positive change in myself, I feel a little more hope that maybe I actually will be able to create the life I want.
I am becoming a person who I used to give the side eye. I'm gushing on about consistency, and hope and all of that stuff. And I LOVE IT.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Getting Rid of What Doesn't Fit
About two or three years ago, when I was living in PA. I found this awesome pair of jeans at a thrift store. They're high waisted, with pockets in the front, and they are more than a flare leg, but not quite a bell bottom. I loved them, and they looked like they would fit, so I bought them without trying them on. When I got home, I learned they were a little too small. I remember it ruined half of my day, you know that feeling when something is too small. At this point I had stopped the excessive drinking, and my diet was okay, but I hadn't really started my health journey yet. I was still eating too many oreos, and too much fried tofu and things like that. I decided to keep the jeans, and that one day they would fit.
These jeans have haunted me since I got them. About six months after I really started cleaning up my diet, and exercising more, I tried them on again. Not only did they still not fit, but it seemed like they fit exactly the same, like I had made no progress. Every few months I would pull them down, and try them on, and it was always the same. A lot of times I would try them on after maybe noticing some shifting in my body or something, and I would be feeling really good about myself, and then all those good feelings were gone as soon as the zipper wouldn't zip. Although it didn't send me into a binging and purge frenzy, I did get those same hateful, shaming thoughts, and it was really a lot of work to pull myself out of it.
For whatever reason, I brought those jeans with me on my move to Seattle. They've been sitting on the top shelf of my closet since. I had forgotten about them, until the other day when I did some deep cleaning and reorganizing. I had been feeling good, and definitely noticing some changes in my body, so I decided to try these jeans on again. I swear to gourd it's like I haven't lost an inch! I couldn't believe it when I tried these on. I should have just been knocking back beer and oreos this entire time! Needless to say, it sent me into an emotional frenzy for a few minutes, and of course these asshole jeans not fitting negated all the good I had been feeling just minutes before.
I have made a decision to donate these jeans to a thrift store here. I am not giving up on my journey at all, but the jeans have become like a scale. Some people can use a scale in a healthy way, others can't. I can't. And I have allowed these jeans to ruin far too many days. I allow these things to take away my progress. I don't need these jeans, they aren't really like something that I NEED to ever fit in to, and they bring nothing but negativity into my life.
Not every piece of clothing is meant for everybody, and part of my journey is mental as well as physical health. I feel like these jeans have the potential to become an excuse for self destructive behavior. If I feel good, and healthy, and can see and feel change happening, that should be good enough.
These jeans have haunted me since I got them. About six months after I really started cleaning up my diet, and exercising more, I tried them on again. Not only did they still not fit, but it seemed like they fit exactly the same, like I had made no progress. Every few months I would pull them down, and try them on, and it was always the same. A lot of times I would try them on after maybe noticing some shifting in my body or something, and I would be feeling really good about myself, and then all those good feelings were gone as soon as the zipper wouldn't zip. Although it didn't send me into a binging and purge frenzy, I did get those same hateful, shaming thoughts, and it was really a lot of work to pull myself out of it.
For whatever reason, I brought those jeans with me on my move to Seattle. They've been sitting on the top shelf of my closet since. I had forgotten about them, until the other day when I did some deep cleaning and reorganizing. I had been feeling good, and definitely noticing some changes in my body, so I decided to try these jeans on again. I swear to gourd it's like I haven't lost an inch! I couldn't believe it when I tried these on. I should have just been knocking back beer and oreos this entire time! Needless to say, it sent me into an emotional frenzy for a few minutes, and of course these asshole jeans not fitting negated all the good I had been feeling just minutes before.
I have made a decision to donate these jeans to a thrift store here. I am not giving up on my journey at all, but the jeans have become like a scale. Some people can use a scale in a healthy way, others can't. I can't. And I have allowed these jeans to ruin far too many days. I allow these things to take away my progress. I don't need these jeans, they aren't really like something that I NEED to ever fit in to, and they bring nothing but negativity into my life.
Not every piece of clothing is meant for everybody, and part of my journey is mental as well as physical health. I feel like these jeans have the potential to become an excuse for self destructive behavior. If I feel good, and healthy, and can see and feel change happening, that should be good enough.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Something to Try
I found this guided meditation the other day, and even though it's fifteen minutes,I decided to give it a try. It was a day when I really needed to clear some negativity, and to be honest, I was skeptical. This fifteen minutes flew by like it was fifteen seconds. There is a part where he has you imagine telling someone all of your things you aren't proud of, just let them all out, you are free of judgement. And then, he has you tell this person all of the good things you've done. I don't know how to really explain the feeling I had doing both. It felt amazing. I felt a rush in the best way.
If you have fifteen minutes, and you're interested in meditation, you might really love this.
If you have fifteen minutes, and you're interested in meditation, you might really love this.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Step by Step
We're now into the third month of the New Year. By now, a lot of resolutions that were made have fallen way down on the list of priorities. It seems like the resolutions, or goals that we make, especially when they have something to do with fixing ourselves, or taking care of ourselves in any way are the easiest things to let go.
It's funny because society tells us to be happy and healthy, but at the same time many people consider it selfish to take time for yourself in any way. But, I see it as the opposite. Unhealthy, miserable people are a real pain in the ass to be around. I read a quote once that said something about how loving yourself is the greatest gift you can give others. It really woke me up. A few years ago I would not have been able to fully understand and appreciate those words. But it's so true. It's hard to hate yourself, but yet be a beacon of the light for the rest of the world. Have you ever been around someone who is just miserable and unpleasant about everything?
I was just thinking of a time in my life when I was in a really negative headspace. I had been living in Seattle for a few years at this point, and I hadn't yet found my groove. I was lonely, I was confused, and overall I was pretty unhappy. Not much made me smile, and even though I really liked this guy, and I thought he made me happy and all that stuff, but in the end he couldn't handle being with someone who griped about everything. I wasn't experiencing a lot of gratitude at that time in my life.
I'm still a work in progress, but as I've started working on myself, and cleaning out my emotional junk drawer, I see a change in myself. I feel surges of gratitude, and something I've learned is gratitude equals happiness. Sometimes I'll be walking somewhere, and all of a sudden I will be filled with gratitude for fresh air, or something like that. And it makes me smile, like a big goofy smile. It's amazing.
My best advice is to start small. A lot of times we make plans for huge changes, it becomes overwhelming, and so we give up. I've done that a million times. Small changes really do lead to bigger changes. For me, months ago I told myself I was going to walk up this steep hill across the street from my apartment. I have been walking up that hill not every single day, but many days a week for months now, and I still feel proud of myself every time I do it. And, it's true, when you feel better about yourself, you feel better about other people. My hill walking has led to other changes that I've actually stuck with, like meditation. I've started and stopped a meditation practice so many times, but this time is different. This time I'm not expecting miracles, I'm actually enjoying the process.
I never thought I would be typing words of encouragement, and mean them. But I am encouraging anyone to continue to fight for your own happiness, it is possible. And small steps do make a big difference. I used to think you would have to do huge lifestyle makeovers, but you don't. One step leads to another step.
Before I sign off, I am enjoying a cup of Sweet Chai O Mine, and the tea bags have lovely little uplifting quotes on them, and this is what I just read- "Never wish life were easier. Wish that you were better."
It's funny because society tells us to be happy and healthy, but at the same time many people consider it selfish to take time for yourself in any way. But, I see it as the opposite. Unhealthy, miserable people are a real pain in the ass to be around. I read a quote once that said something about how loving yourself is the greatest gift you can give others. It really woke me up. A few years ago I would not have been able to fully understand and appreciate those words. But it's so true. It's hard to hate yourself, but yet be a beacon of the light for the rest of the world. Have you ever been around someone who is just miserable and unpleasant about everything?
I was just thinking of a time in my life when I was in a really negative headspace. I had been living in Seattle for a few years at this point, and I hadn't yet found my groove. I was lonely, I was confused, and overall I was pretty unhappy. Not much made me smile, and even though I really liked this guy, and I thought he made me happy and all that stuff, but in the end he couldn't handle being with someone who griped about everything. I wasn't experiencing a lot of gratitude at that time in my life.
I'm still a work in progress, but as I've started working on myself, and cleaning out my emotional junk drawer, I see a change in myself. I feel surges of gratitude, and something I've learned is gratitude equals happiness. Sometimes I'll be walking somewhere, and all of a sudden I will be filled with gratitude for fresh air, or something like that. And it makes me smile, like a big goofy smile. It's amazing.
My best advice is to start small. A lot of times we make plans for huge changes, it becomes overwhelming, and so we give up. I've done that a million times. Small changes really do lead to bigger changes. For me, months ago I told myself I was going to walk up this steep hill across the street from my apartment. I have been walking up that hill not every single day, but many days a week for months now, and I still feel proud of myself every time I do it. And, it's true, when you feel better about yourself, you feel better about other people. My hill walking has led to other changes that I've actually stuck with, like meditation. I've started and stopped a meditation practice so many times, but this time is different. This time I'm not expecting miracles, I'm actually enjoying the process.
I never thought I would be typing words of encouragement, and mean them. But I am encouraging anyone to continue to fight for your own happiness, it is possible. And small steps do make a big difference. I used to think you would have to do huge lifestyle makeovers, but you don't. One step leads to another step.
Before I sign off, I am enjoying a cup of Sweet Chai O Mine, and the tea bags have lovely little uplifting quotes on them, and this is what I just read- "Never wish life were easier. Wish that you were better."
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Sunday Musings
When I lived in PA, I was always searching for one of those days. One of those days where the weather was just too beautiful to be a shitty person. That day never came. Have you ever had a crappy job, but after you've left you look back and realize that it wasn't really that bad? I thought maybe that would happen with Erie. I thought maybe once I was tucked away safely in Seattle I would be able to see my experience as maybe not so bad. But it was that bad, and I have an extreme dislike of Erie, and if I would ever come across someone from Erie, I would have an automatic desire to run the opposite direction.
I've been trying to figure out why I even moved back in the first place. I lived in Seattle almost fifteen years without ever thinking about moving back. Any hardship I ever faced my adoptive parents had this answer"Move home, none of this stuff would be happening to you here" But I always resisted, and believe me, I went through some stuff.
I think I have been unhealthy and unhappy for so long, and I've tried everything under the sun to fill the deep void I feel, but I didn't even know I was doing it. I think living in Erie, and feeling so incredibly lonely, and alone, and facing the fact that I have absolutely no connection to my adoptive family was something that I had to face. All of this icky stuff from my past has just been simmering inside of me for all of these years, making me sick. I was in Erie for a total of three holiday seasons. The first Christmas I went and did the family thing, and I was so uncomfortable I wanted to claw my eyes out. We were at one of my adoptive mom's sister's house, and it was full of a million people I barely knew, and it was just the worst. And being alone with them in their house or anywhere is unbearable. The next two holiday seasons, including Thansliving and my birthday I spent alone. Well, with my cats but not with any family. It's less painful to be alone, than to be surrounded by people but still alone. I know people that disagree, but that's how I feel.
Today, I feel grateful for Seattle, and so grateful that I was able to come back. I also am starting to feel grateful for my time in Erie, because I'm seeing that my move there was a catalyst for me to face my past, and face who I am, and who I'm not, and to face the fact that I need to heal.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Not Knowing is so Freeing
My adoptive parents are very strict Christians. Their answer to everything is "I know where I'm going" as if they have a pass through life to be a nasty as they want to be. I say do you boo, but the problem I have is that they judge other people for their "sins" It's as if all you have to do in life is say your a Christian, and you can be as big of a dick as you want. The same rules don't apply to you.
I was very surprised when I moved to PA. after living in Seattle for almost fifteen years to see that nothing about my adoptive parents had changed. They had not grown, or changed in any way, other than how we all change on the outside over time. My adoptive mom is an angry person, it just simmers under her surface, and that really shows on her face. I think anger ages people faster than anything other than hard drugs because every angry person I've ever known has very hard lines and edges to their face that never really goes away. I was surprised to see little things, like their absolute refusal to recycle. My adoptive dad said these exact words"who cares, all this devastation will be happening long after I'm gone" and he says it with a laugh. They have a refrigerator that has the ice and filtered water on the freezer door, yet they still buy bottled water and refuse to recycle the bottles. They are consumers through and through. They feel they have no accountability to anyone other than God, or Jesus. And there are so many other ways they haven't changed. Their relationship is strained to say the least. I don't understand why they have stayed married, because seriously, all you have to do is spend three minutes with them and you can feel the hate. But, they insist they love each other. I remember when I was younger, they would get into arguments, and they would each try to explain their side to me, and possibly pull me to their side, and it was always hideous. I feel like they stay together out of more of a religious obligation. That's just what you do. I mean, if you listen to some Christians talk, they really make their God look like a real dick. This God wants you to stay in a loveless marriage, and be unhappy for your whole life, just to serve him? Excuse me, but that is not okay.
I believe that my birth mom was probably agnostic. As a small child religion was a non issue. When she married my step dad, he came from a very strict catholic family, they're wedding was Catholic Orthodox, and it was like four hours long or something. My step dad privately wasn't too in to church, but we had to show up at certain times like Christmas, Easter and such for appearances.
I tried to give church a chance. I was forced to go while at the group home, and my adoptive parents continued the forced Jesus tradition. I am an open minded person, and I have been sad and looking to fill a void for as long as I can remember, so please believe me when I say I gave religion a true, solid try. I wanted to love it, I wanted to have that sweet sense of light and whatever the hell else they say happens. I desperately wanted that. But I always feel out of place, surrounded by fakeness and inauthentic people, and funnily enough I usually feel very judged. I also feel like an old lady is going to scream "imposter" or something. I wanted to find that relief, that joy that people speak of. When my adoptive mom tries to make me see the error of my ways, she always tells me that she doesn't know where she would be without God. I think she would be a happier woman, but what do I know. I feel frustrated because I feel like my adoptive parents are unable to see any good in me because i am not a Christian, and in their eyes that equals no moral compass. As if those of us who don't go to church are just running around sinning left and right.
Some of the angriest, scariest, most unhappy people I've met are Christians. They are somehow unable to see their own misery, or maybe misery is just a part of being a put upon Christian? I've tried to ask questions throughout the years about God, and why the world is such a fucked up place, and all the basic questions, suffering, war, you know the questions. The only answer I get is that God gave us free will. So, according to Christians, God is the most powerful person like ever, but he's just helplessly allowing all the atrocities to play out because he gave us free will. It just is the laziest, most uneducated answer. And, if you challenge the question farther, well you are the asshole. I mean, I have legitimately been attacked verbally by so called kind hearted Christians for asking questions.
I've only in the past two years or less realized, or maybe admitted to myself that I am agnostic, and that is okay. Like, I can openly admit it, and I can still be thought of as a good person. Like, I can be agnostic and be a productive member of society. And, there are other people out there who think like me, and are also good people. In my opinion, those of us who aren't resting on our laurels, or maybe I should Jesus's laurels are the ones trying to make the world a better place.
I could never in a trillion years have this conversation with my adoptive parents. Oh my gourd the judgement I would face would be unbearable! It's sad because even though I don't believe, I do respect their views, and I appreciate that they get comfort and solace from church and God and Jesus. I just wish the favor was returned.
I was very surprised when I moved to PA. after living in Seattle for almost fifteen years to see that nothing about my adoptive parents had changed. They had not grown, or changed in any way, other than how we all change on the outside over time. My adoptive mom is an angry person, it just simmers under her surface, and that really shows on her face. I think anger ages people faster than anything other than hard drugs because every angry person I've ever known has very hard lines and edges to their face that never really goes away. I was surprised to see little things, like their absolute refusal to recycle. My adoptive dad said these exact words"who cares, all this devastation will be happening long after I'm gone" and he says it with a laugh. They have a refrigerator that has the ice and filtered water on the freezer door, yet they still buy bottled water and refuse to recycle the bottles. They are consumers through and through. They feel they have no accountability to anyone other than God, or Jesus. And there are so many other ways they haven't changed. Their relationship is strained to say the least. I don't understand why they have stayed married, because seriously, all you have to do is spend three minutes with them and you can feel the hate. But, they insist they love each other. I remember when I was younger, they would get into arguments, and they would each try to explain their side to me, and possibly pull me to their side, and it was always hideous. I feel like they stay together out of more of a religious obligation. That's just what you do. I mean, if you listen to some Christians talk, they really make their God look like a real dick. This God wants you to stay in a loveless marriage, and be unhappy for your whole life, just to serve him? Excuse me, but that is not okay.
I believe that my birth mom was probably agnostic. As a small child religion was a non issue. When she married my step dad, he came from a very strict catholic family, they're wedding was Catholic Orthodox, and it was like four hours long or something. My step dad privately wasn't too in to church, but we had to show up at certain times like Christmas, Easter and such for appearances.
I tried to give church a chance. I was forced to go while at the group home, and my adoptive parents continued the forced Jesus tradition. I am an open minded person, and I have been sad and looking to fill a void for as long as I can remember, so please believe me when I say I gave religion a true, solid try. I wanted to love it, I wanted to have that sweet sense of light and whatever the hell else they say happens. I desperately wanted that. But I always feel out of place, surrounded by fakeness and inauthentic people, and funnily enough I usually feel very judged. I also feel like an old lady is going to scream "imposter" or something. I wanted to find that relief, that joy that people speak of. When my adoptive mom tries to make me see the error of my ways, she always tells me that she doesn't know where she would be without God. I think she would be a happier woman, but what do I know. I feel frustrated because I feel like my adoptive parents are unable to see any good in me because i am not a Christian, and in their eyes that equals no moral compass. As if those of us who don't go to church are just running around sinning left and right.
Some of the angriest, scariest, most unhappy people I've met are Christians. They are somehow unable to see their own misery, or maybe misery is just a part of being a put upon Christian? I've tried to ask questions throughout the years about God, and why the world is such a fucked up place, and all the basic questions, suffering, war, you know the questions. The only answer I get is that God gave us free will. So, according to Christians, God is the most powerful person like ever, but he's just helplessly allowing all the atrocities to play out because he gave us free will. It just is the laziest, most uneducated answer. And, if you challenge the question farther, well you are the asshole. I mean, I have legitimately been attacked verbally by so called kind hearted Christians for asking questions.
I've only in the past two years or less realized, or maybe admitted to myself that I am agnostic, and that is okay. Like, I can openly admit it, and I can still be thought of as a good person. Like, I can be agnostic and be a productive member of society. And, there are other people out there who think like me, and are also good people. In my opinion, those of us who aren't resting on our laurels, or maybe I should Jesus's laurels are the ones trying to make the world a better place.
I could never in a trillion years have this conversation with my adoptive parents. Oh my gourd the judgement I would face would be unbearable! It's sad because even though I don't believe, I do respect their views, and I appreciate that they get comfort and solace from church and God and Jesus. I just wish the favor was returned.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Trusting The Process
I'm trying so hard to be patient, and enjoy "the process" of losing the weight that I want to lose. I know it's happening, I can see the difference, mostly in my collar bone area for some strange reason. Also, I've had to tighten my belt a notch. That hasn't happened for awhile. It's just that it isn't happening as fast as I want!! I'm enjoying the way I've been eating, I recently did a 10 day potato cleanse where the majority of my daily calories came from potatoes. I also had greens and other non starchy veggies. I felt really great, albeit a little bored by the end. I felt so great as a matter of fact that I am still eating a very potato heavy diet. I've also been stepping up my workouts, and I'm really noticing how much easier my hill climbing has become. So, why can't I be appreciative of all the health I'm achieving? It's because I haven't wanted to admit this for soooooo long, but I desperately want to clean up my midsection. I guess whittle is a better word! Anyway, I kind of believe that we carry our feelings in our weight. A lot of unhappiness and sadness that I wasn't even aware of is what caused me to drink so heavily, and put on the weight. I remember years ago a cook I worked with at some diner said to me"if you didn't drink so much you would be really thin, because you don't eat that much" Although it was somewhat rude to say, it was also brutally honest. I just didn't care enough to stop drinking. I would often really try to go a long time without eating to make up for the calories in the beer which was just yet another beer soaked irrational thought. That might help if we're talking about skipping a snack to have an extra glass of wine, but not when we're talking drinking at least eight to twelve beers a day, pretty much every day. So, back to my thought on feelings and weight, I am hoping that as I am finally dealing with all of my many repressed feelings, I'm hoping that will help. I feel like the weight is like the many layers of pain that I feel.
It's not like me to put something so personal like my adoption out there. One of my favorite parts about living in Seattle is that I really don't get asked a whole lot about family life. When you say your family lives in PA, there isn't a whole lot more to say. I like to pretend that I had a s normal of a home life as anyone else. It makes life a lot easier for everyone. But I need to deal with these feelings. They have been taking up space in my mind and body for way too long. So, the first day that I wrote about my adoption, that wasn't planned, I just did it. So, I think that was my way of forcing myself to deal. Admitting it, and admitting that my family life is the root of a lot of my issues has been a huge relief. I thought I would deeply regret, and possibly want to delete all those posts but instead I feel free.
Now, if only my abs could free themselves from the flub!
It's not like me to put something so personal like my adoption out there. One of my favorite parts about living in Seattle is that I really don't get asked a whole lot about family life. When you say your family lives in PA, there isn't a whole lot more to say. I like to pretend that I had a s normal of a home life as anyone else. It makes life a lot easier for everyone. But I need to deal with these feelings. They have been taking up space in my mind and body for way too long. So, the first day that I wrote about my adoption, that wasn't planned, I just did it. So, I think that was my way of forcing myself to deal. Admitting it, and admitting that my family life is the root of a lot of my issues has been a huge relief. I thought I would deeply regret, and possibly want to delete all those posts but instead I feel free.
Now, if only my abs could free themselves from the flub!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
What Do I Know
I mentioned this before, but years ago I was in a treatment facility for people with eating disorders On family therapy day, we had to make a family tree. It was like the tree of dysfunction, it was to help us figure out where our problems came from. They had me make the same tree for my boyfriend at the time since we lived together. My therapist pointed out that there were a lot of similarities between my mom and boyfriend. I was not ready to see what she was talking about, at the time I was really in denial about my birth mom having anything to do with my emotional state. Even though for all of these years I haven't been able or ready to really process what she said, I've always remembered those words.
I've really made the connection. My birth mom for whatever reason could not love me, and she let me know that every chance she got, through words and actions. I have always believed I am impossible to love. That there is just something inherently wrong with me. Every single relationship I have had as an adult has resulted in me feeling hard to love. I date men that make me feel that there is always something missing. Like I'm almost good enough. And to be honest, I feel that way with my adoptive parents too. I was a fixer upper. If only I would just shake off my progressive ways, and become a good Christian, I would be just what they wanted. I don't even blame the guys I've dated for the way I felt. Although the vast majority of them were and I'm sure still are total wanks, I was the one who chose them, and I was the one who stayed. I'm reminded of a quote I stumbled across awhile ago- "We accept the love we think we deserve" That quote is the story of my life. When I first saw that it was like a slap in the face, but in a good way.
I don't know how to be loved in a healthy, normal way. Maybe that's what my health journey is about Maybe I'm getting healthy so I can figure out how to love myself, and then I won't be able to accept anything else from anyone else. I don't know.
I've really made the connection. My birth mom for whatever reason could not love me, and she let me know that every chance she got, through words and actions. I have always believed I am impossible to love. That there is just something inherently wrong with me. Every single relationship I have had as an adult has resulted in me feeling hard to love. I date men that make me feel that there is always something missing. Like I'm almost good enough. And to be honest, I feel that way with my adoptive parents too. I was a fixer upper. If only I would just shake off my progressive ways, and become a good Christian, I would be just what they wanted. I don't even blame the guys I've dated for the way I felt. Although the vast majority of them were and I'm sure still are total wanks, I was the one who chose them, and I was the one who stayed. I'm reminded of a quote I stumbled across awhile ago- "We accept the love we think we deserve" That quote is the story of my life. When I first saw that it was like a slap in the face, but in a good way.
I don't know how to be loved in a healthy, normal way. Maybe that's what my health journey is about Maybe I'm getting healthy so I can figure out how to love myself, and then I won't be able to accept anything else from anyone else. I don't know.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Musings
I try to put on a brave face and act as though I'm fine. Fine with my life being the way it is. But the truth of the matter is I'm not fine. I have an ache inside that just exists. So many regrets, so many what if's. They say not to think about regrets, or even to feel regret because everything happens for a reason and all of that. It's pretty hard to go through life without regrets.
But back to the brave face. A habit I picked up a very long time ago is to make jokes, be funny, laugh your way out of a situation. That's why a lot of the time I don't talk to anyone about what is going on. As soon as I sense awkwardness, I feel like I have to make a joke, or lighten the mood somehow. And sometimes I am way to upset and don't have the energy to make my problems okay for everyone else. I want to stop doing that, but I also don't want to be that person who brings the awkward. I just sometimes find that people try to tell you how you should feel when often they have never even gone through what you're going through. It makes me very uncomfortable, and sometimes it makes me doubt my own feelings. Maybe that's what I ultimately want, to own my feelings. And I am guilty of doing that same thing. I can think of times I have said"oh, you shouldn't feel that way" to someone. Not meaning to tell them how to feel, but in the end that's what I'm doing.
I think we all go through this to some extent. I used to think it was just me who suffered from social anxiety. Hell, I only recently learned it was even a thing, or what it was called! I think if we all tried more listening and less telling we might not feel so alone or isolated. And also it seems that especially on social media everything has to be perfect and positive. But I think that you can be a positive person while still acknowledging that life is far from perfect.
I don't know if this is true, I'm still trying to figure it all out. I like to think of myself as a positive person, even though sometimes that can easily be turned upside down because of life. But in general I like to see the sunny side of things, but I also can become depressed very easily, and I think sometimes life can just be too much, and I feel so lost I don't know what to do. But I also still have hope. I have always promised myself that I won't lose hope, and I won't become a jaded, cynical person waiting to pounce on everyone's happiness.
But back to the brave face. A habit I picked up a very long time ago is to make jokes, be funny, laugh your way out of a situation. That's why a lot of the time I don't talk to anyone about what is going on. As soon as I sense awkwardness, I feel like I have to make a joke, or lighten the mood somehow. And sometimes I am way to upset and don't have the energy to make my problems okay for everyone else. I want to stop doing that, but I also don't want to be that person who brings the awkward. I just sometimes find that people try to tell you how you should feel when often they have never even gone through what you're going through. It makes me very uncomfortable, and sometimes it makes me doubt my own feelings. Maybe that's what I ultimately want, to own my feelings. And I am guilty of doing that same thing. I can think of times I have said"oh, you shouldn't feel that way" to someone. Not meaning to tell them how to feel, but in the end that's what I'm doing.
I think we all go through this to some extent. I used to think it was just me who suffered from social anxiety. Hell, I only recently learned it was even a thing, or what it was called! I think if we all tried more listening and less telling we might not feel so alone or isolated. And also it seems that especially on social media everything has to be perfect and positive. But I think that you can be a positive person while still acknowledging that life is far from perfect.
I don't know if this is true, I'm still trying to figure it all out. I like to think of myself as a positive person, even though sometimes that can easily be turned upside down because of life. But in general I like to see the sunny side of things, but I also can become depressed very easily, and I think sometimes life can just be too much, and I feel so lost I don't know what to do. But I also still have hope. I have always promised myself that I won't lose hope, and I won't become a jaded, cynical person waiting to pounce on everyone's happiness.
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