My adoptive parents are very strict Christians. Their answer to everything is "I know where I'm going" as if they have a pass through life to be a nasty as they want to be. I say do you boo, but the problem I have is that they judge other people for their "sins" It's as if all you have to do in life is say your a Christian, and you can be as big of a dick as you want. The same rules don't apply to you.
I was very surprised when I moved to PA. after living in Seattle for almost fifteen years to see that nothing about my adoptive parents had changed. They had not grown, or changed in any way, other than how we all change on the outside over time. My adoptive mom is an angry person, it just simmers under her surface, and that really shows on her face. I think anger ages people faster than anything other than hard drugs because every angry person I've ever known has very hard lines and edges to their face that never really goes away. I was surprised to see little things, like their absolute refusal to recycle. My adoptive dad said these exact words"who cares, all this devastation will be happening long after I'm gone" and he says it with a laugh. They have a refrigerator that has the ice and filtered water on the freezer door, yet they still buy bottled water and refuse to recycle the bottles. They are consumers through and through. They feel they have no accountability to anyone other than God, or Jesus. And there are so many other ways they haven't changed. Their relationship is strained to say the least. I don't understand why they have stayed married, because seriously, all you have to do is spend three minutes with them and you can feel the hate. But, they insist they love each other. I remember when I was younger, they would get into arguments, and they would each try to explain their side to me, and possibly pull me to their side, and it was always hideous. I feel like they stay together out of more of a religious obligation. That's just what you do. I mean, if you listen to some Christians talk, they really make their God look like a real dick. This God wants you to stay in a loveless marriage, and be unhappy for your whole life, just to serve him? Excuse me, but that is not okay.
I believe that my birth mom was probably agnostic. As a small child religion was a non issue. When she married my step dad, he came from a very strict catholic family, they're wedding was Catholic Orthodox, and it was like four hours long or something. My step dad privately wasn't too in to church, but we had to show up at certain times like Christmas, Easter and such for appearances.
I tried to give church a chance. I was forced to go while at the group home, and my adoptive parents continued the forced Jesus tradition. I am an open minded person, and I have been sad and looking to fill a void for as long as I can remember, so please believe me when I say I gave religion a true, solid try. I wanted to love it, I wanted to have that sweet sense of light and whatever the hell else they say happens. I desperately wanted that. But I always feel out of place, surrounded by fakeness and inauthentic people, and funnily enough I usually feel very judged. I also feel like an old lady is going to scream "imposter" or something. I wanted to find that relief, that joy that people speak of. When my adoptive mom tries to make me see the error of my ways, she always tells me that she doesn't know where she would be without God. I think she would be a happier woman, but what do I know. I feel frustrated because I feel like my adoptive parents are unable to see any good in me because i am not a Christian, and in their eyes that equals no moral compass. As if those of us who don't go to church are just running around sinning left and right.
Some of the angriest, scariest, most unhappy people I've met are Christians. They are somehow unable to see their own misery, or maybe misery is just a part of being a put upon Christian? I've tried to ask questions throughout the years about God, and why the world is such a fucked up place, and all the basic questions, suffering, war, you know the questions. The only answer I get is that God gave us free will. So, according to Christians, God is the most powerful person like ever, but he's just helplessly allowing all the atrocities to play out because he gave us free will. It just is the laziest, most uneducated answer. And, if you challenge the question farther, well you are the asshole. I mean, I have legitimately been attacked verbally by so called kind hearted Christians for asking questions.
I've only in the past two years or less realized, or maybe admitted to myself that I am agnostic, and that is okay. Like, I can openly admit it, and I can still be thought of as a good person. Like, I can be agnostic and be a productive member of society. And, there are other people out there who think like me, and are also good people. In my opinion, those of us who aren't resting on our laurels, or maybe I should Jesus's laurels are the ones trying to make the world a better place.
I could never in a trillion years have this conversation with my adoptive parents. Oh my gourd the judgement I would face would be unbearable! It's sad because even though I don't believe, I do respect their views, and I appreciate that they get comfort and solace from church and God and Jesus. I just wish the favor was returned.
No comments:
Post a Comment