Sunday Musings

I feel so filled with gratitude to be in Seattle. This is a picture of blooming tulips I took like two weeks ago. Tulips in full bloom in February! This time last year I was living in what I can only describe as a frigid hell. I don't think I was able to stop wearing my winter coat until May. I wish I were joking, but I'm not. Yesterday was an unexpected sunny day. The forecast was rain plus more rain, but the sun decided to be a fighter. The temps were close to sixty, and everyone was outside, and everyone I dealt with, even the people who were stuck inside working were still just so happy about the weather. Doors were open, dogs were being walked, it was like the air was filled with positive vibes. That's one of the many things I really enjoy about Seattle, people are stoked when the weather is nice.
When I lived in PA, I was always searching for one of those days. One of those days where the weather was just too beautiful to be a shitty person. That day never came. Have you ever had a crappy job, but after you've left you look back and realize that it wasn't really that bad? I thought maybe that would happen with Erie. I thought maybe once I was tucked away safely in Seattle I would be able to see my experience as maybe not so bad. But it was that bad, and I have an extreme dislike of Erie, and if I would ever come across someone from Erie, I would have an automatic desire to run the opposite direction.
I've been trying to figure out why I even moved back in the first place. I lived in Seattle almost fifteen years without ever thinking about moving back. Any hardship I ever faced my adoptive parents had this answer"Move home, none of this stuff would be happening to you here" But I always resisted, and believe me, I went through some stuff.
I think I have been unhealthy and unhappy for so long, and I've tried everything under the sun to fill the deep void I feel, but I didn't even know I was doing it. I think living in Erie, and feeling so incredibly lonely, and alone, and facing the fact that I have absolutely no connection to my adoptive family was something that I had to face. All of this icky stuff from my past has just been simmering inside of me for all of these years, making me sick. I was in Erie for a total of three holiday seasons. The first Christmas I went and did the family thing, and I was so uncomfortable I wanted to claw my eyes out. We were at one of my adoptive mom's sister's house, and it was full of a million people I barely knew, and it was just the worst. And being alone with them in their house or anywhere is unbearable. The next two holiday seasons, including Thansliving and my birthday I spent alone. Well, with my cats but not with any family. It's less painful to be alone, than to be surrounded by people but still alone. I know people that disagree, but that's how I feel.
Today, I feel grateful for Seattle, and so grateful that I was able to come back. I also am starting to feel grateful for my time in Erie, because I'm seeing that my move there was a catalyst for me to face my past, and face who I am, and who I'm not, and to face the fact that I need to heal.