Treats

I have always needed an escape from my feelings. When I was bulimic, anything upsetting would lead to a binge. I now see that not being able to deal is what lead to my excessive drinking. Once I overcame that hurdle, I just kind of started eating my feelings. When my ex boyfriend and I were living in PA. I felt sadder and lonelier than I ever have in my life. Things were so bad with us, and I had absolutely no emotional support, it was rough. I have vivid memories of eating sleeve after sleeve of oreo cookies, just mindlessly shoving them in my face. In addition to that, I wasn't eating that healthy in general. My ex boyfriend had the palate of a super picky two year old, so I was eating way too much pasta, and fried foods, and just a lot more of a junk food vegan diet. It was unthinkable to just have some vegan ice cream, you eat the whole pint. You don't have a few oreos after dinner, you have them all. While not even really tasting, or appreciating the food anyway. Talk about empty calories. Crying while shoving food in your face is not really what nourishing yourself is all about.
Ever since moving back to Seattle, I've really stepped up my health game, and I haven't really eaten my feelings in awhile. Quite the opposite actually, I've been feeling, and dealing with my feelings. I'm so behind, I'm dealing with feelings from way long ago. And I'm learning things about myself, and facing truths, and this time I am really trying to change, I'm not phoning it in. And I'm not being half assed, I'm working hard. I'm proud to say that while I may still be a mess, things really are happening. I recently bought two pints of a new vegan ice cream. I mean, vegan Chunky Monkey, come on. So, I wanted to try these two flavors for my vegan blog. I was pretty scared, thinking I could easily lose control. But, when I tried the chunky monkey, I put a small amount in a bowl, and I enjoyed the hell out of it. It satisfied my sweet tooth, and I genuinely did not need or want more. I felt satisfied! It was amazing. Ice cream can be my friend again. I've done the same thing with the second flavor. I really enjoyed the flavor of both ice creams so much more than just mindlessly shoveling it in my face until the pint is gone. Any enjoyment of the treat is ruined by the feelings of self loathing, not to mention the sick feeling in your stomach.

A nice treat!

It feels so good to feel like I can have treats, and I don't have to punish myself. I've learned a little bit of ice cream makes you feel much better than too much.
It feels so incredibly freeing. Going through the process and feeling your emotions is so much easier and less painful than the things I've done to mask, or shove down my feelings.