What Do I Know

I mentioned this before, but years ago I was in a treatment facility for people with eating disorders On family therapy day, we had to make a family tree. It was like the tree of dysfunction, it was to help us figure out where our problems came from. They had me make the same tree for my boyfriend at the time since we lived together. My therapist pointed out that there were a lot of similarities between my mom and boyfriend. I was not ready to see what she was talking about, at the time I was really in denial about my birth mom having anything to do with my emotional state. Even though for all of these years I haven't been able or ready to really process what she said, I've always remembered those words.
I've really made the connection. My birth mom for whatever reason could not love me, and she let me know that every chance she got, through words and actions. I have always believed I am impossible to love. That there is just something inherently wrong with me. Every single relationship I have had as an adult has resulted in me feeling hard to love. I date men that make me feel that there is always something missing. Like I'm almost good enough. And to be honest, I feel that way with my adoptive parents too. I was a fixer upper. If only I would just shake off my progressive ways, and become a good Christian, I would be just what they wanted. I don't even blame the guys I've dated for the way I felt. Although the vast majority of them were and I'm sure still are total wanks, I was the one who chose them, and I was the one who stayed. I'm reminded of a quote I stumbled across awhile ago- "We accept the love we think we deserve" That quote is the story of my life. When I first saw that it was like a slap in the face, but in a good way.
I don't know how to be loved in a healthy, normal way. Maybe that's what my health journey is about Maybe I'm getting healthy so I can figure out how to love myself, and then I won't be able to accept anything else from anyone else. I don't know.