Musings

I try to put on a brave face and act as though I'm fine. Fine with my life being the way it is. But the truth of the matter is I'm not fine. I have an ache inside that just exists. So many regrets, so many what if's. They say not to think about regrets, or even to feel regret because everything happens for a reason and all of that. It's pretty hard to go through life without regrets.
But back to the brave face. A habit I picked up a very long time ago is to make jokes, be funny, laugh your way out of a situation. That's why a lot of the time I don't talk to anyone about what is going on. As soon as I sense awkwardness, I feel like I have to make a joke, or lighten the mood somehow. And sometimes I am way to upset and don't have the energy to make my problems okay for everyone else. I want to stop doing that, but I also don't want to be that person who brings the awkward. I just sometimes find that people try to tell you how you should feel when often they have never even gone through what you're going through. It makes me very uncomfortable, and sometimes it makes me doubt my own feelings. Maybe that's what I ultimately want, to own my feelings. And I am guilty of doing that same thing. I can think of times I have said"oh, you shouldn't feel that way" to someone. Not meaning to tell them how to feel, but in the end that's what I'm doing.
I think we all go through this to some extent. I used to think it was just me who suffered from social anxiety. Hell, I only recently learned it was even a thing, or what it was called! I think if we all tried more listening and less telling we might not feel so alone or isolated. And also it seems that especially on social media everything has to be perfect and positive. But I think that you can be a positive person while still acknowledging that life is far from perfect.
I don't know if this is true, I'm still trying to figure it all out. I like to think of myself as a positive person, even though sometimes that can easily be turned upside down because of life. But in general I like to see the sunny side of things, but I also can become depressed very easily, and I think sometimes life can just be too much, and I feel so lost I don't know what to do. But I also still have hope. I have always promised myself that I won't lose hope, and I won't become a jaded, cynical person waiting to pounce on everyone's happiness.