About two or three years ago, when I was living in PA. I found this awesome pair of jeans at a thrift store. They're high waisted, with pockets in the front, and they are more than a flare leg, but not quite a bell bottom. I loved them, and they looked like they would fit, so I bought them without trying them on. When I got home, I learned they were a little too small. I remember it ruined half of my day, you know that feeling when something is too small. At this point I had stopped the excessive drinking, and my diet was okay, but I hadn't really started my health journey yet. I was still eating too many oreos, and too much fried tofu and things like that. I decided to keep the jeans, and that one day they would fit.
These jeans have haunted me since I got them. About six months after I really started cleaning up my diet, and exercising more, I tried them on again. Not only did they still not fit, but it seemed like they fit exactly the same, like I had made no progress. Every few months I would pull them down, and try them on, and it was always the same. A lot of times I would try them on after maybe noticing some shifting in my body or something, and I would be feeling really good about myself, and then all those good feelings were gone as soon as the zipper wouldn't zip. Although it didn't send me into a binging and purge frenzy, I did get those same hateful, shaming thoughts, and it was really a lot of work to pull myself out of it.
For whatever reason, I brought those jeans with me on my move to Seattle. They've been sitting on the top shelf of my closet since. I had forgotten about them, until the other day when I did some deep cleaning and reorganizing. I had been feeling good, and definitely noticing some changes in my body, so I decided to try these jeans on again. I swear to gourd it's like I haven't lost an inch! I couldn't believe it when I tried these on. I should have just been knocking back beer and oreos this entire time! Needless to say, it sent me into an emotional frenzy for a few minutes, and of course these asshole jeans not fitting negated all the good I had been feeling just minutes before.
I have made a decision to donate these jeans to a thrift store here. I am not giving up on my journey at all, but the jeans have become like a scale. Some people can use a scale in a healthy way, others can't. I can't. And I have allowed these jeans to ruin far too many days. I allow these things to take away my progress. I don't need these jeans, they aren't really like something that I NEED to ever fit in to, and they bring nothing but negativity into my life.
Not every piece of clothing is meant for everybody, and part of my journey is mental as well as physical health. I feel like these jeans have the potential to become an excuse for self destructive behavior. If I feel good, and healthy, and can see and feel change happening, that should be good enough.
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