Memories

I remember when I used to love the holiday season. The lights, the music, the hustle and bustle, not to mention the feeling of goodwill in the air. I always felt like people were kinder, gentler. As a child growing up with a mom who really wasn't my biggest fan, the holidays were a reprieve from her cruelty and indifference towards me. We always had a fresh, real tree  that we all decorated, and we always had all the delicious sweets and treats around the house. My grandparents always came to visit, and I loved them so much, and they made everything better.
After being adopted my love of the holidays continued for a few years, but it was never the same. My adoptive parents don't have the same traditions, and I certainly didn't have the warm relationship with their parents that I did with my real grandparents.
At this point the holiday season is nothing but a month of pain and heartbreak. I have spent every Christmas alone for at least the past ten years. Even when I lived in the same city as my adoptive family, I chose to spend Christmas alone.
I try to keep up appearances and when people wish me happy holidays I try my best to smile and wish them the same. I don't want to be that grumpy bah humbug person. But it is who I've become. I try to act cool like it just doesn't matter, but it does.
I want to decorate, and bake delicious vegan sweets and have a huge holiday meal with all the vegan trimmings. But my cats just don't appreciate home cooking.
I hold on dearly to my memories of happier holiday times filled with family, love and warmth. And I hope that those memories help prevent me from becoming a total Grinch.

Progress not Perfection

For those of us who aren't Trump supporters this has been a tough few weeks. For myself it's less about Trump's win, and more about the hate his campaign not only stirred up, but normalized. I wrote about my sadness and frustration on my vegan blog and didn't know what to expect. I assumed most of my readers shared my opinion on the Trump debacle. I got two negative comments, which in the grand scheme of things is pretty good. I responded to the comments in what I feel was an appropriate way. Both had mentioned they were just here for the food posts, and one was offended by me using the word dick to describe Donald Trump. I mentioned to both people that I have never only talked about food on my blog, so maybe my blog wasn't for them. Not everyone is for everyone and all that. Well, one of the anonymous people who didn't like my political opinions responded to my response to them in such a cruel, personal way that it really threw me for a loop. They sent the response as an Email so no one else could see it which made it even more personal. It made me feel hurt and angry and also a little confused. And also a little leery of putting myself out there on the internet. Because when you write about your weaknesses it makes people feel like they know you, and the really vicious ones know what to say that will hit you hard. I haven't responded because what is the point? I feel that responding will only lead to another response, and it will only get meaner. But one thing I am grateful for is that it really made me think about how I respond to people I don't agree with. I don't want to ever be like this person. Because you never know what kind of day or week someone is having. I never want to make someone who I disagree with online feel the way I felt. I already am having a hard time coping with the impending holiday season, and just a lot of other stuff, this was close to being the straw that you know what. I was thinking about not blogging again, or drastically changing my blog by keeping my opinions to myself. Because of fear. This person made me feel scared of who I am, and what my opinions are. That same fear has caused a lot of mistakes and missed opportunities in  my life.  But today, as I am fighting the blues and trying to make my apartment as festive as possible for me and my cats, I am feeling grateful that I pulled myself out of my slump, and I didn't let fear rule over my decisions like I would have done in the past. Today I see that however slow, I am making progress.

Baby Steps

Well, yesterday I went to therapy for the first time in a million years. I had all but given up on therapy, and I was handling my depression pretty well through healthy choices. But I have hit a road block, and lately no amount of healthy living is helping. I feel like Pig Pen from The Peanuts. Except that instead of dirt, it's just sadness floating over my head. My body also feels very heavy, at times almost painful. I can think of different times in my life when I've felt especially depressed but yet still hopeful. Hopeful that at some point things will get better, and for the most part that's happened. But this time, I really have little to no hope.
As I left my appointment, I wanted to call someone and say "I did it", I made myself do it. And I had no one to call, no one to say "wow" "good for you" I don't think therapy will help heal that wound.
I like to fancy myself an open minded person though, so I'm willing to at least try. My attempts at therapy in the past have not really helped. But part of that is because I've been to some terrible therapists, and I've also tried therapy at times when I wasn't really wanting to be healthy. For over two years now that's all I've been striving for. I want to be one of those people who radiates happiness and light. I want to be inspiring to other people.
What I've realized is that even though I no longer drink or smoke cigarettes, all of those feelings and reasons why I did those things are still in me.
And even though I have nothing to do with my adoptive family, they are still very much a part of my life. I have to let go of this anger. It feels so impossible.
Therapy is hard, and it's scary. Opening up to a stranger is hard enough, but opening up those wounds and getting in there and getting dirty is not easy. But I'm starting to believe it's very necessary in order to move on. At least that's what I'm going with for now.

Locker Room Switch

As the Trump campaign marches on, he just keeps doing more and more outrageous, offensive stuff, and the people who are already opposed to him are horrified of course, but his supporters remain strong. While a lot of people are shocked and appalled at his words, especially about women, I am not surprised. Donald Trump speaks for a lot of men as far as I'm concerned, based on my life experiences. I've worked in bars and restaurants for most of my adult life, and unfortunately all the disgusting things Donald Trump has said pales in comparison to some of the things I've heard and had to deal with over the years.
When I hear people defending this talk as "locker room talk" it seriously makes me sick. That's part of the problem, that's why we have entitled men who think this is okay. Women excuse it as "boys will be boys" I can't tell you how many times I've had a problem with something some perv has said to me, and female coworkers have almost shamed me for being offended. It's really a tragedy that I got sucked into that line of work, because I am definitely not made for dealing with that stuff.
We like to think that sexual harassment is a thing of the past because we have so many laws, and blah blah blah. But, it does exist, and there are so many reasons why people don't speak up. When you don't have a ton of employment options, it can be scary to think about standing up for yourself and losing your job. Landlords in my experience don't care if you're being harassed at work, they care about rent.
I don't know what will make things better, but I know that someone like Donald Trump will only make things worse. He's reminding all the people who harbor racism, hatred, and misogyny that it's not only okay to think that way, but if you really luck out you might be able to run for president.

To Therapy or Not?

It's been awhile since I've posted anything on here. It's kind of nice to feel no real pressure. I think of this as my diary. I just pop on here when I have something I'm feeling or need to say, and I have no one to say it to. I've been battling depression, and it's making life difficult. I was flirting with the idea of therapy, even made some calls to find a therapist who works on a sliding scale/fee. Not an easy thing to find. There are three offices here that offer sliding scales, and they all have waiting lists. Now, I'm rethinking therapy. I have so many horror stories of therapy. And I met my adoptive parents through therapy. My "mom" was my therapist at one point. She has helped me make some decisions in my life that I deeply regret, and have and continue to cause me a lot of pain. One of those decisions was to be adopted by them. I don't know what I was thinking. But that's always been a weakness of mine, I don't look at how decisions I make now might affect my future. But she was the adult, and the therapist so that should have been her job. So, it's hard for me to imagine sitting in a therapist's office spilling all my inner most feelings. And no amount of therapy will bring me any kind of family, or family closeness. The fact is that I am alone in this world. I mean, I have my cats, and I know I have a scant few people I could call a friend, but I don't have any family. I don't have a childhood home, or my old bedroom to go to escape, or get the warm and fuzzies. I don't have anyone to talk to about my childhood memories. Sometimes I wonder if they're even real, or did I make them up in my head?
Having just gone through a rather traumatic experience, I feel like having a loving family member to talk to and seek comfort would be really helpful.
Therapy also won't help me break out of the minimum wage rut. That's another thing that makes me sad and also angry, and more recently deeply ashamed. I know that therapy can help you find ways to solve what is troubling you, or at least learn how to accept, see the positive, blah blah blah. But between my own feelings of doubt, and the trouble I've had finding someone, I feel like therapy is just not what I need. It's like I've gotten to the point in life where I have to pay someone to care enough to listen to me. And that makes me more depressed than anything.
                             

Coping With No Closure

Closure is an important thing. I think most therapists would agree. It's really hard to accept and move on from a situation when there is no closure. I've learned that the hard way throughout my life. Every single day of my life I wish I could have some type of closure with my real family. When M and D adopted me, that was that. I never went and said goodbye, I never went and collected any of my stuff, it was just done, like they had never existed. Why didn't I question that? Why didn't I request a visit? I honestly don't know. When I look back to those first months of being adopted, it's like a total blackout. Like I don't remember anything. I do this thing where it's like I almost leave my body when things are too much for me to handle emotionally.
I never got to tell my grandparents how much I loved them, and how they were such a bright spot in my childhood. They made me feel loved and special which I so desperately needed. They were the yin to my birth mom's yang.
I'll also never have closure with my adoptive parents because they are completely incapable of admitting any flaws, or wrongdoing. I've actually always known this about them, because I've seen it in other situations with other people. They are both really, really good at pointing out other peoples flaws, and they're excellent at judging people. Somehow, their flaws are just filed under  "I know I'm not perfect but Jesus" while other people need to fucking figure it out and make the changes that they feel need to happen. They also lack the ability to see anything from anyone else's perspective. I know that for years they have both argued that the other is too controlling. Like I'm talking huge blowout arguments, the kind that shake a house. Yet, neither one has ever even contemplated if there is any truth to what the other is saying. From my perspective I can say with 100 percent certainty that they are both uber controlling.
I was surprised when I moved back to Erie to see them arguing in the same way and over the same things. They're both therapists, so you'd think it wouldn't be too hard to look within yourself.
I'm saying all of this to say that I will never have closure with them, they will never understand where I'm coming from. All they know is that I am wrong. I am a sinner because I don't believe, therefore I am condemned to a life in hell, and I am a cold, vile person for not thinking they saved me and that they are awesome and amazing. My feelings and thoughts will not only never be accepted, but they won't even be heard or entertained for a second. It's a hard thing to deal with. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my feelings and thoughts. I know I have to let them go, but it's just so frustrating. I feel like since I can't express how I feel to them, it's just simmering inside me like a disease. I've been doing guided meditation focusing on letting go, and it is helping, but I just know I have a long road ahead of me.

Holding On Letting Go

I was watching an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on Netflix the other night, and one of the characters said the funniest thing. He said " That's all parenting is, pretending you know what you're talking about, and jamming it down your kid's throat" Man, that show is so hilarious. I think that's what my adoptive parents thought when they adopted me. All they had to do was keep talking about God and Jesus, and eventually I would see the light so to speak. I mean, I met them while I was in a Christian group home. What was I thinking? I remember that the people who ran/worked at the group home were super strict/radical some(me) would almost call crazy/militant so I think they seemed "cool" in comparison.
I remember they made me go to church with them in the beginning. My adoptive dad, let's call him M, his side of the family is SUPER religious. Like the kind of religious where it seems like any kind of love or light, or laughter is considered a sin. Like going to his mothers house was a lesson in depression. It was suffocating, uncomfortable and just plain miserable. Even during holidays, no joy, no peace, just anger and religion.
Through the years church was used a punishment, when I would stay out too late, or do whatever to piss them off, well, one of my punishments would be church.
One of the greatest things I learned while living in Seattle was that it's okay to not be a Christian. I mean, I knew it was technically okay, but it was also shoved down my throat that while it was okay, you pretty much are a piece of shit who's going to be tortured for all eternity.
As I'm working through my anger, which comes and goes. Anger is a very brutal beast I've learned. Anyway, as I work through my anger, I'm coming to the conclusion that this is really no one's fault. They are who they are, and they feel very strongly about God and all of that. But I also am who I am, and I was raised with different beliefs. The problem is that with them, and to be honest most Christians I've met, it's their way or the highway.So, they are who they are, and I am who I am.
My anger comes from the fact that they just arrogantly assumed their way is right, and they just thought I would denounce the beliefs I have and was raised with.
It became unbearable to have any conversations with D, (adoptive mom) because the root of all of my problems according to her is the fact that I don't allow Jesus in. She is unable to see any good in me. All she can see is that Jesus is not my savior.
I'm trying to let go of the anger I feel towards them and it is so hard. I have no relationship with them, and I genuinely don't want one, but I do want to lose this anger. Because even though I have no contact with them, I'm still allowing them in my life. I don't want to hold onto anger and resentment for the rest of my life. That's one of my biggest fears. I hope writing about it becomes a release.

Why I'm Here

I think I moved to SLC for a reason. Obviously I moved here for a reason, but I mean I moved here for a bigger reason. A bigger reason than simply "it's cheaper than Seattle" Last week I was walking to catch my bus, and I've been experimenting with taking different streets to get more familiar with this city. I walked by a house that instantly made me feel something, it sparked a memory. I stopped and thought about it, and I realized that the house I saw reminded me of my grandparents house. The house they lived in when I was a kid. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents as a child. My mom would go off on one of her adventures, and I would stay with them till she got it out of her system. I never wanted to leave, I always wanted to stay.
But the house, and the street, and something in the air made me think of them, and that time in my life. Time spent with my grandparents are some of my happiest memories.
The weather here reminds me of the weather in Ohio where I grew up. Not everyday, but mainly when it rains. It doesn't just rain, first it gets windy, sometimes blustery, and a lot of times it thunders and lightnings. It doesn't rain often here, it's no Seattle, but when it does it's an event! It rained like that in Ohio a lot. I remember many summer thunderstorms. I haven't lost electricity yet, but in rural Ohio it happened with almost every storm.
These are my memories, my stories, my experiences. I feel like my memories were pushed aside when I was adopted. I guess I didn't notice, or care. My adoptive parents are really good at telling people what they should or shouldn't be feeling. So, it never felt safe to talk about good memories, I saw the hurt look in their eyes when I would. Looking back, I can see that the hurt was a genuine feeling, and you can't be mad at people for their feelings, but at the same time I believe that I have a right to my memories, it's a part of me. I have a right to acknowledge that my childhood had good times, not just bad, and I had good people in my life. I denied those memories for so long, and even though they help shape who I am, it was like they never existed.
I think I moved here so I can remember who I was, where I came from. It sounds silly to say, because I'm very far away from where I came from, but it all feels very familiar. And I am here alone, except for my cats. No one to tell me what or how to feel. Or that "you just shouldn't think of that stuff" And I think I keep coming across things that jar my memories because it's been long enough. If I sincerely want to be happy and healthy, I have to deal with my past, and all of the confusion that goes along with it.

Knowing What to Change and What to Accept

I feel like I've lived my whole life up until recently not even knowing myself. Not only not knowing myself, also trying so desperately to be things I'm not.When I was late teens early twenties age, when a lot of people are exploring who they are, I had just left my real family to live with a whole new one. I was too messed up to know how to emotionally process all of the changes that had happened to me recently. I handled my feelings by binging and purging, drinking too much, and obsessing over the wrong guys. I don't even remember having dreams for my future, I was just trying to get through the present. I never imagined that if I didn't think about my future, or try to figure something out, that I would be stuck in the same cycle all these years later. Although I've long given up binging and purging and excessively drinking, and also obsessing over the wrong guy, I'm still stuck in the endless cycle of dead end jobs. I've become quite a minimalist over the years so it's not so much that I want to make a lot of money as it is that I don't want to do the shitty work anymore for such little pay. That's what kills me is being so miserable and having to show for it. I have nothing to show for all my years of hard work. I want more out of life. I want to be happy, and I want to be healthy, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger, and my self esteem was so low, I genuinely didn't think I was smart enough to do anything besides serving food and drinks to people. I've always loved to read, and I read everything, I just don't know how I never made the connection that I wasn't dumb. I guess I also didn't have any real interests besides trying to numb my feelings. I was completely lost. And my adoptive parents were no help. I'm not even saying that out of anger, it's just the truth. They tried to mold me into what they wanted out of a kid. They tried to cram their religion down my throat, and when that didn't work the condemnation came in. I tried their way, I did. I remember going to church, and dressing nice, and smiling at everyone, and everyone seemed so happy to be there, and I was not happy. My cheeks hurt from fake smiling, my soul hurt from being fake, and I always left feeling like what is wrong with me. Why am I such a bad person that I can't get into church. I tried fitting into that kind of life and it wasn't me.
I'm enjoying finding out what is me. I'm living in a new city where I know no one, and so no one has expectations or opinions about me. I'm free to be who I want to be, with no pressure from anyone. I'm looking at myself honestly the good and the bad. I've had some bad habits that I've carried around for years. Habits that manifested from pain and confusion. It feels good to see the bad, and instead of judging and hating myself, working on how I can change.
When I moved to Seattle all those years ago, I felt like I could breathe. I felt like I could be me, and no one was going to judge. No one was telling me to go to church, no one was telling me anything! I felt free to be friends with who I wanted,talk to who I wanted. It was like a new chapter. After only about six months of living in Seattle, I was able to stop binging and purging. It was a miracle, because when I was adopted my purging habit dramatically increased.
Now that I've moved to a new city and state again, I feel the same feeling. Like this is a new chapter of my life. I feel freer than I ever have, and I actually feel better and stronger than I ever have. I hope I can accomplish my goal of finding a way to live that doesn't involve minimum wage and a uniform!

Reality Bites

I think I always knew that my adoption was a mistake. I remember meeting my adoptive parents families, and thinking what have I gotten myself into? It was horrible. I have not one common interest as them, there is nothing like minded at all. The only thing any of us share is we're human. Now, I understand that plenty of people feel like strangers with their own families, but in my case I don't even share DNA with these people.
I used to dread visits to see their family. My adoptive mom has a ton of sisters and one brother. Her sisters are the kind of women who I go out of my way to avoid. They love the mall, and they love to gossip. I want to crawl out of my skin when I'm around them. And it's no one's fault. It's just that we weren't really meant to be in each others lives.
I cut off all communication with my adoptive family about a year ago. They haven't tried to reach out to me, and they knew what I went through recently. losing everything, and I mean everything and they didn't offer to help. Not that I expected help from them, I'm just making the point that they have clearly accepted my decision.
Although I know that my decision is the right one for me, it doesn't change the fact that is scary to be out in this cold world alone. I don't have a hometown, I don't have a childhood home to go to. There will never be a time when I am called home for a family crisis. I was watching some reality competition type show, and the contestants families were there cheering them on, and I realized if I were on this show, I would have no one, unless they allowed my cats to come cheer me on. It's a good thing I have no aspirations of being on a reality competition show!
I guess being in a new city, and feeling lonely has made me really realize what it's like to have no home base. I have to find somewhere to make it work, because I have nowhere to go, and no one to lean on, it's up to me. And that is the scariest, loneliest feeling ever.

Just No

I had a dog walking client last week that wanted me to let their dog out more than just walking it. It was costing me money to go back and forth, so one day I decided to hang out at a park near their house and read a book in between visits. I had my little space under a tree, the park was safe, I was happy. About six feet away from me a man pulled up a spot under a tree, obviously planning to do the same thing. As time went on, I noticed that this man was allowed to sit in the park and do his own thing, but for me it was a different story. Four different men walked right on by the guy, and didn't force conversation on him, but somehow couldn't do the same for me. I got asked if I was okay, even though I was showing no sign of distress, quite the opposite actually. There was a softball game going on in the field, and another guy decided he had to know my thoughts on softball. I actually have no thoughts on softball. That same day, later on in the evening as I was waiting for my bus, in a not so well lit area, two different men pulled their cars into the empty parking lot next to the bus stop to ask if I wanted a ride. Not a good day for men.
I'm sure those guys at the park thought they were being nice, and friendly, but I disagree. I don't like to be forced into conversation, and if I chooses to not engage, I am considered a bitch, or whatever insult they want to hurl my way. I am a nice and friendly person to be honest. But, when I'm sitting at a park reading a book and minding my own business, I don't want to be hit on. And I certainly do not feel safe when I'm alone in a not very well lit area, and a strange car pulls up offering a ride! I mean, I try not to bash men, I try not to make the typical men are dumb jokes, but come on! How dumb can these guys be to think a woman is going to get in a car with a strange man? Do they know it's 2016? I don't even think a naive teenager would be that gullible at this point.
I just wish men knew how creepy, and insulting it is to not be given the same respect as men. And I wonder if men know how scary it is to have a car pull up next to you in the dark, It's scary. I always want to ask men that do that if they have a daughter, or sister, mother, whatever. Think of the female in your life, would you want her to feel that fear?

Monday Musings

This past Saturday was the Salt Lake City vegfest. I believe it was the first ever vegfest here. I also have never been to a vegfest. I signed up to volunteer one year in Seattle, and good old social anxiety mixed with a hangover got the best of me. I wanted to go so many years, but crowds really overwhelm me. And in Seattle, almost everything is crowded and overwhelming. I decided to try this fest out. I kept it to myself though, because I've lost track of how many times I plan on doing something, and in the end I change my mind. Since moving to SLC, I've been pushing myself to step out of my comfort zone a little bit. What I've been realizing is that I've been stuck in stagnant for awhile now. While I was living in Seattle, I may have been not drinking and all of that, but I wasn't doing all that much to make my life better. I allowed my depression to really take over, and I didn't even realize. So, one of the ways to change is to grow, and experience new things, and get new perspectives. And you have to challenge yourself.
So, I went to the vegfest, I was the first person there for the first SLC vegfest, and it was my first time at any vegfest, so that's pretty cool. And guess what? I lived. No one killed me, I wasn't laughed out of the place, whatever worst case scenario I thought might have happened didn't. And it wasn't even that crowded, which is one of the benefits to going to places early. I had fun, I left when I wanted and everything is fine. And I am proud of myself. I pushed myself. That's what it comes down to a lot of times is just pushing yourself.
I think that this is probably the most clear headed I've ever been. I'm eating healthy, sleeping good most nights, crying when I need to cry, allowing myself to go through the grieving process, and just trying my best to be kind to myself. It sounds kind of funny to say this, but sometimes when you are used to living life in full self destruct mode, it can take a lot of work to be kind to yourself.
I hope that I continue on my positive path. I like hopping on here every now and again to write about something positive like this. I hope it will keep me motivated.

Musings

Yesterday morning I was gazing out of my kitchen window while doing my dishes. My neighbors were out in their yard enjoying the beautiful morning. It appeared to be an adult daughter and her mother. They were at total ease with each other, the way most healthy mother daughter relationships seem to be. It gave me that uncomfortable ache that I try like hell to ignore. That void in your soul that is just there, and it's not going away. I never had that with my birth mother as a child or teenager. And I also never had that with my adoptive mother. As a matter of fact, at this point I have zero relationship with either. My adoptive mom tried, she really did. But we are two very different people with very different outlooks on life. And My adoptive mom cannot handle the fact that I don't share her religious beliefs. It's a big problem. I think when she adopted me she assumed I would just discover that their way is the right way. She never stopped to consider what would happen if I didn't "see the light"
The funny thing is that I feel like I would have a good relationship with my birth mother as an adult. I've come to accept that I am so like her, good and bad. I think we could have worked through our issues, and maybe become friends. Maybe not, I'll never know. But, I think it would be helpful to at least be able to talk to someone who thinks like me, and feels like me.
I feel like it must be a very comforting feeling to have someone who will always be there for you, and always listen to you. Someone you can confide in, and who will give you a hug when you need it. That person who will come and take care of you when you're sick, go shopping with you and watch movies when you're well.

Dog Day Afternoons

I've been working my way back into doing guided meditation. It's been a little over a month since I've done anything. I tried once, when I was still in Seattle, staying with my ex and it was almost impossible. I couldn't even sit through one minute. I feel like I need it now more than ever. I desperately want to make some changes in my life. I don't want to live the rest of my life being miserable in my dead end job, barely making it and losing everything over and over. It's no way to live, and it's been my life for so long. It's drained me, and I never even really realized how much. I was too busy drinking and smoking away the pain.
It's not like I have dreams of hitting the big time or whatever they say. I just want to have a little dog walking business. I've lived on or below the poverty line for my entire adult life, so I don't even need to make a ton of money. I just want to get some enjoyment out of what I do, and live my modest little life.I'm putting it out there, I'm visualizing, I'm manifesting, I'm setting it free in the universe. I really hope I can make it happen.
I've been working so hard on my health, and I know from experience that working in these miserable environments is not good for my happiness or health. It's always the same story, I start out swearing that the negativity and misery is not going to get to me, and it always does. After a month I'm standing outside smoking and bitching. Then, hating myself for it. It's a nasty cycle.
I'm hoping that by starting up meditation, and other healthy habits I can continue on the journey to health and healing. And I really hope my vision turns into reality.

Letting Go

For two and a half weeks, before I moved to SLC, I stayed with my ex boyfriend. I know I shouldn't say anything bad about him, I should just be grateful that he let me crash, but man it was a challenge. He made my life very difficult, and I was already going through one of the worst experiences of my life. He is someone that lacks any empathy towards anyone. It's funny how I was friends with him for so long, and I never noticed this trait. I guess this is why you don't make friends when you're drinking to the point of blackout every night. I find myself being surprised by his behavior all the time, but I was friends with him for ten or eleven years before we ever dated.
I remember one day, before I decided to move to SLC, I was trying to find a second job in Seattle. I was on my way to drop off a resume, and we were having a discussion that was getting dangerously close to an argument. I asked him if we could finish the "discussion" when I got home, and he said he had to say "one more thing". Well, the one more thing was something really shitty. and it hurt my feelings. I don't even remember what the discussion/argument was about, or what the shitty thing was. But I know that it upset me, and it was super hard to go take this resume to wherever I took it. Like I was struggling to hold it together as it was. There were many times in the short period I stayed with him where he almost pushed me over the edge.
He also has a knack for bringing me down when something good happens. There have been many times where for whatever reason I'm feeling really good, in some cases even celebratory, and he will pick some petty little fight, or choose that moment to bring up something from the past, some way that I annoyed him, and it just has to be pointed out right then.
It's funny, not too long ago I read an article on how often we will pick romantic partners who remind us of the parent who hurt us most. D has qualities of both my birth mom, but also my adoptive parents. As a matter of fact, my adoptive parents loved him.
As is the case with situations like these, it's only I that can change things. He isn't going to change. His classic response to everything is "this is who I am" So, if you have a problem with anything he does, it's just that your problem. And sometimes he even takes such offense, that you are the one who ends up apologizing.
I don't know why it's so hard to completely let go. It might be because I have so few people in my life that I have any kind of history with. I do think of him as family in some weird way. And I keep hoping that one day, my dear old friend will reappear, and things can be amazing again. But that day is not coming.
For now, I'm working on focusing on the things and people that make me feel good. I guess I'm hoping that I'll just naturally faze him out. I'm one of those people who ignore the hundred nice things people say, and focus on the one bad thing someone says. I have to stop letting him be that person.

Shedding it All

I don't have a full length mirror in my apartment. And I don't even have a chair that I can pull up to the bathroom mirror to try and see most of me. It's been so freeing! I've been so preoccupied with being in a new state and city, trying to find a job, and feeling stressed, lonely, depressed that I haven't even worried too much about how I look. It's a far cry from the old me who used to obsess over every single flaw. Or the old me who drank so much that I just didn't care. I'm in between those two versions of me. It's not that I don't care, but I don't care to the point where I feel a need to pick myself apart. It serves no purpose. I want to live the rest of my life focusing on everything else. Believe it or not, I don't think I will buy a full length mirror anytime soon. I haven't owned a scale in years, and it has helped my psyche tremendously. It's also nice getting to know me, from the inside. All I've ever known is hating myself. And I've made life choices based on that hate. Life choices that supported that hate.
I was having a hard day emotionally yesterday, but physically I was feeling great. I've been working out and eating healthy, not smoking or drinking, so I'm feeling great. So, I'm at the store yesterday, and I walk by a mirror, and did not like what I saw. It sent me into a tailspin that took a lot of energy to talk myself out of. And I had enough going on. Loathing myself has gotten me nowhere in life.
My posts have somewhat of downers lately, and I'm sorry. I wanted to document all the positive changes, and I believe they're coming, I just think I have to slog through all this stuff in my emotional junk drawer first.
This blog is still going nowhere. I promise one day it will. I'm just struggling right now, and my thoughts are all over, and I guess I just need to vent.
I don't know why, but I feel like someday I'm going to look back on this time as a time of personal growth. I recently lost almost everything, and that has to mean something. Like, I lost stuff that I needed to lose. Maybe I'm just telling myself that to feel better. Only time will tell I guess.

Another Holiday

Over the years I've become quite the loner. I've learned to just enjoy my own company, and the company of my cats of course. I've never minded or felt embarrassed to go to a movie alone, or eat at a restaurant alone. And that includes holidays. While living in Seattle, I just got used to spending the holidays alone, and during my unfortunate time in Erie, I realized it was better to spend the holidays alone. I tried my first year back to take part in adoptive family festivities, and it just didn't work. So, after that I chose to spend the holidays with my cats. What I've learned over the years is that it feels less lonely to be alone, than to be in a room full of people and feel alone.
There is a particular sadness about not being part of things on the holidays. The quietness in the air, the lack of traffic. People are together, somewhere and you are just where you always are, doing what you always do. For some reason, today being Labor Day, which is like a whatever holiday, I'm feeling the sads. I've never even really celebrated Labor Day, the shitty jobs I have I always have to work. I guess it's just being in a new city. I already feel super isolated, and more alone than I have in a very long time.
It feels good to just type that, and admit it. Many years ago I started denying any feelings of loneliness around the holidays. It's easier to deny it than have people have that look of pity in their eyes and invite you to do stuff with their families, which is often worse than being alone. I've tried. But it's okay, it's just another day, right?

Saturday Musings

I was watching a video on YouTube the other day, and this person was venting about her weight, and how she had been trying to lose a few pounds, and it just wasn't happening. She was feeling like why am I depriving myself of certain things and making myself exercise when it's making no difference anyway? I have had that same thought at least five hundred times over the last couple of years. Why not eat all the junk (vegan of course) and stop exercising.
I've recently realized that even if I never drop a pound, I am still going to continue to eat healthy with the occasional treat, and I'm going to continue to exercise, and push myself when it comes to cardio workouts. I've recently realized that I do it because it makes me feel better, regardless of how I look.
I recently went through something extremely stressful and painful, and I stopped working out, and ping ponged between not eating, or eating total crap. I also was barely sleeping, and I even smoked some cigs, and drank some beer. I also was drinking coffee daily which is something I haven't done for years. I felt so unwell, so weak, and so not strong. My body put up a fight at first, wondering what I was doing to it. But after about a week or so, it just accepted the abuse, and the ill feeling became my new normal. I felt sluggish, slow, puffy, and weak. And all these unhealthy habits certainly weren't helping my emotional state. I felt like a toxic person in every way. And I felt ashamed because I had come so far, only to go back to all of my old patterns.
Now that I'm back on track, and off the cigs, the beer, and coffee, and back on green juice with lots of turmeric, yoga and other workouts, and eating healthily I feel like a new person. And even though I still do want to lose weight, I know now that choosing healthy habits is much more than just trying to look your best. I feel clean inside in a way that I didn't when I was being unhealthy. And  I like that feeling.
I know plenty of people who are naturally thin, and because of that they treat their bodies like a dump. Eating crap, not exercising, and not worrying about any of it because on the outside they appear to be healthy.
I feel like I am a nicer, more positive person when I'm taking care of myself. I take time to notice what I'm grateful for, even on bad days when it's hard.
So, I'm working on making that mind switch. My motivation for being healthy is no longer about losing weight, but more about continuing to strive to be the best me I can be. I want to be the kindest version of myself. I want to be the change and all of that, and lucky for me I can achieve all of that with or without an extra fifteen pounds!

Rejection is a Part of Life

I applied for a job last week. It is less than a ten minute walk from my apartment, which right now is super important. Since I am in a new city, it's very easy for me to get lost. The job is at a pancake house, and I applied to be a server. Although I am so over being a server, and I feel like I would rather die than serve and clean-up after another person, it's something I'm comfortable with, and have lots of experience doing. So, I went and had an interview with the owner, and he said he was going to "take a look at the schedule, and see where he could fit me in for training" And he said to expect a call on Tuesday. Tuesday came and went, and on Wednesday I tried to call the restaurant, and was told he was "in a meeting" Here it is Friday, and I still haven't heard from him. It's so frustrating, and this guy totally wasted my time.  I stopped handing out resumes because this guy was hiring me! Now I'm just so frustrated. The worst part is being lied to, and rejected by a crappy job you never even wanted.
If I could give one piece of advice to all the teenagers out there, it is to go to college if that is at all a possibility. Sure there are some instances where people without college degrees make it out of the minimum wage world, but that hasn't been my experience. Even if I find a job that isn't serving people, it will most likely be some other low paying, soul draining customer service job. It's just so frustrating to know that you're capable of more. It's been a long life of being very unfulfilled.
I did learn something from this debacle. Wasting people's time is not cool. I have definitely wasted people's time before, and I guess I didn't realize how shitty it feels. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own stuff, we forget that our actions affect others. I am guilty of that over and over.
I'm trying to take it all in stride, rejection is a part of life and all of that. But it's just that it's so easy for people to say that who aren't pounding the pavement, and getting rejected by jobs that they themselves would never want.
I'm kind of glad no one reads this blog right now. It's like a safe little place to come vent.

Where Am I Going With This?

I have been severely neglecting this blog. The last time I posted I was about to lose everything. Through a weird twist of events, I am now living in Salt Lake City, Utah. To make a really long story somewhat short, when I lost everything, I had some dark thoughts. Darker than usual. I really had no desire to live. I started a GoFundMe page to try to raise money to get another place, and get my cats back. Nothing was going for me in Seattle, and I was terrified to sign a lease for an apartment that I might not be able to afford. Seattle has gotten so incredibly expensive, you aren't getting an apartment for under one thousand a month. Someone donated to my page, and we started Emailing back and forth, and she mentioned at some point that SLC was cheaper, and it was relatively easy to find a job.
I started perusing Craigslist here. and I got the second apartment I liked! It was so easy. My new place is two bedrooms, with a big kitchen with lots of counter space, and a window. And it's half of what I would pay for a one bedroom in Seattle.
I'm hoping to truly heal myself here. When I moved to Erie PA, it was supposed to be a fresh start. A place to live where it wasn't so expensive, and I could breathe, and live without the strangling high cost of living. Because of family issues, and the general miserable disposition of that city, it wasn't the fresh start I would have liked. But I feel like I ave that here. It's much cheaper to live, and so far the people are very nice. I would say kind, there is a kindness I genuinely feel in this city.
I've been thinking a lot about this blog, and where I want it to go, and what I want to do with it. I have a lot of feelings I need to process, a lot happened in a month. I want to heal myself, and process my emotions in order to become the best version of myself. I feel like I'm actually ready for that.
So, for now I think I'm going to continue to pop on here and talk/vent about what I feel like I need to process. And I also want to talk about self love, and self care. I think we are conditioned to think of self love as selfish, when it actually is what makes you able to be the kindest you. I want to continue to talk about weight loss struggles. I believe that as I heal my insides, my outside will follow suit.