For me my eating disorder, alcohol, and cigarettes were a way for me to stuff my feelings, think about and focus on something other than what was really bothering me. They were all a relief. Since giving up on them all, I still haven't found a healthy equivalent for those really bad times. This last week I have really wanted to both drink and smoke cigarettes. The urge to have those friends back in my life to release some of my feelings is just so strong. Yesterday I was waiting for the bus, and some lady was smoking next to me, and while the smell repulsed me as it always does, I also had a very strong urge to bum one, or offer to buy one, those things aren't cheap. It's just that release. Or maybe I feel a need to abuse myself. I don't know. It's all this stuff that's so hard to figure out. When you give up what you were addicted to, you're still left with all of the feelings inside that led you to your addiction in the first place.
The important thing is that I have not given in to my urges. I am breathing through it, and reminding myself that I like the way I feel now, both physically and mentally. When I trudge up that damn hill when I so didn't want to, the feeling I get is a high no drug has ever given me. Pride is like an all day high. It's genuinely not alcohol or nicotine that I crave, it's the escape. I think wanting to escape is something everyone can relate to. I remember when I was still smoking, but trying to quit, I read an article that said what most people struggle with is the psychological addiction to smoking. That makes so much sense. I walked by a group of people standing outside of their job yesterday, all huddled around smoking. I miss that camaraderie. Sometimes you have really cool conversations with people you normally might never talk to huddling outside smoking. Not that you can't have those same convos in other situations, but a shared love of a substance that is so frowned upon nowadays is a real ice-breaker!
Sometimes I also wonder if I've lost some of my spark since going all healthy. I feel like I'm a much more pleasurable person to be around now, but my social life would tell a different story.
I mentioned the other day that I'm working on deciding what I want this blog to be, or if I want it to be anything. Tomorrow I am having a mental organization day, and I'm going to make some lists, and goals and all of that stuff. I really want to write more in-depth about some of the stuff I'm trying to sort out. I think it will be hugely beneficial for me, and it might help someone else. Even if it's just to let someone know they aren't alone, or crazy.
If you are celebrating today, I hope it's warm and filled with love. And, if you're not celebrating, I still hope your day is filled with love and warmth.
I feel you about the whole smoking to be social thing. My sister has taken up smoking at parties, but doesn't do it consistently (at least I'VE never seen her smoke, but seen photos) I remember in Art School my friend and I would go down by the entrance of the building during breaks and we didn't smoke but just talk to people, but as the year would go on people had less money and people would stop smoking as much. Which kind-of makes me think of the sketch from I.T. Crowd when the character Jen takes up smoking again.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjiUqb2SSw0
That skit was hilarious! Sometimes I walk by smokers and feel jealous that they haven't reached quitting time yet. It's some really messed up thinking that I hope goes away as I continue to meditate.
DeleteI hope your sister doesn't accidentally get addicted because seriously it is the hardest thing I have ever done and it took about two years of trying and failing for it to finally stick and I'm proof that sometimes the addiction really hangs around to haunt and taunt.
I've never seen her smoke, and the photos I saw of her smoking were years ago. I think she mostly picked it up when she was in Europe, where a lot more people were probably smoking. I think she was very cautious when starting up since she has some friends who were having a hard time quitting.
DeleteBut I can kind-of understand why you would still be jealous of smokers. I use to joke around with some people that we should take up smoking to get more breaks, and I have friend who quit smoking for years then started up on the whole vaping trend. Clearly the desire to smoke takes awhile to go away. And even my boss who kicked it over a decarde ago says that he still gets tempted when he smells it.
When I first started trying to quit, I flirted with the E cigs as a way to quit, but I realized I was still keeping the habit going, and it seemed like an unsafe, murky area.
DeleteMy best advice for anyone is to never start. It just isn't worth the trouble of quitting, and staying a non-smoker. But, at least smoking is pretty much banned inside everywhere, so that makes it much easier.