Setbacks

I'm very disappointed in myself. The last day that I walked up the hill was either last Thursday, or Friday. Saturday I walked to a store to get kitty litter and such, so I just counted that as my "walk". But, the point of me walking this hill isn't so much about the exercise as it is making myself do something even when it's super tough. Honoring my commitments. Seattle has had an unusual week to week and a half. It's been getting down to like twenty eight degrees at night! I'm having a hard time dealing with the cold. I was prepared for the grey, constant drizzle of winter, fall, and spring in Seattle, but I thought I left the below zero temps behind me. I loathe the rain, but for whatever reason I can force myself to go do the hill, but the last day that I walked the hill it was so cold it hurt to breathe. I was miserable. I didn't feel the rush of good energy I usually feel when I got home. It was a bust. I told myself this weekend that Monday was the day that no matter what I was getting it together and getting back on track. Well, it didn't happen today, and it's not going to happen. It's still below freezing, and it's grey and gloomy. I'm feeling flashbacks to living in Erie. I looked at the weather, and according to the webz, starting tomorrow we're getting back to normal Seattle winter weather. Grey, rainy and forty to fifty degrees.
In the past, I would let a setback like this kind of make me give up. Or maybe just use the setback as an excuse to give up. But I'm not doing that this time. And I'm trying to not allow myself to verbally assault myself because of this setback. I started to bash myself earlier, and I made myself stop. It's okay to have setbacks. I think even the most accomplished, vibrant people have setbacks. But a setback isn't an excuse to just stop trying.
I'm glad that I'm not just using this blog as a place to vent about my ex, or exes. The day that I started it was a day fraught with emotion over "D", and I needed to figure some stuff out. I still do need to figure a lot of stuff out, but I'm glad it's evolved into so much more than crying over a guy. Not that I don't do that, but I feel like for once a lot of learning is happening on my part because I'm allowing myself to sit in  my feelings, not drink them away.
Look out hill, I'm not done with you yet!

Black Friday Indeed

I used to love the holiday season. Never really Thanksgiving for a host of reasons, but I was festive from black Friday on! I used to work at a Gap in a mall(!!) and I always LOVED working on black Friday! I loved the hustle and bustle, and I loved how people were shopping for gifts and they were just so happy about it! I loved going to work every single day during the holiday season.
This was however back when we hadn't lost our damn minds, and stores weren't open on Thanksliving, and on black Friday I didn't have to go to work at midnight or four in the morning, or whatever other nonsense is going on. I think maybe we opened one or two hours early, no big deal.
It seems in the last ten years or so every year it gets worse. And we are not only okay with it, we camp out at these stores, and fight each other for whatever crap that we probably don't need. And it seems like the majority of people are shopping for themselves anyway, so let's just keep it real, there is no festive holiday spirit about black Friday. To me, it is a day shrouded in blackness.
I've been saying for several years that before long life will be like the Christmas Tree Store. It will be Christmas all year, with stores teasing us with how low they're going to go this year.
I feel so bad for the people who work at all of these places who either don't bother to close on Thanksgiving, or open at two p.m, or eleven p.m. or whatever ridiculous time they decide. Every year I keep hoping to hear that sales have massively dropped, and maybe it's time to rethink these hours. But no, every year more and more people crowd to the stores, and fight each other over stuff. It makes me so sad, and unfortunately it's only November twenty seventh, and I'm over it. I have no feeling of wonderment, and I don't see the beauty of the season anymore. I see consumerism at it's absolute worst, we just dress it up with a bow and the story of a baby and call it a holiday.

One is Not The Lonliest Number

A little while after moving to Seattle, I got my hair trimmed. Actually I got my hair cut. Like six inches. It was pretty noticeable. My ex never noticed, and even when I pointed it out, he didn't have the courtesy of saying it looked nice. Isn't that boyfriend/husband 101? If you get busted not noticing, at least compliment? I also mentioned once that I was starting to see a little definition in my abs under all the beer flub, and again nothing. I kind of chided him for not saying anything nice, supportive, encouraging, whatever, and he responded by saying "you know that stuff doesn't matter, I accept you at any size." It was a double whammy- no compliment for you, and I'm going to make you feel shallow for wanting one. I think for me it's less about a compliment, and more about support and encouragement. Especially because living, or trying to live a healthy, balanced life is still relatively new to me, and I still sometimes feel tempted by my old ways. Isn't that supposed to be one of the benefits of being in a relationship, support? I have always believed it's less lonely to be alone, than to be surrounded by people who could care less. My last relationship did nothing but reinforce that opinion.
I don't want to come off as cynical, or anti relationship. I love being in a loving relationship, and i love the feeling of being in love, and feeling loved, and all of these things. Romantic comedies are one of my favorite types of movies, the cheesier the better! But, my life hasn't been like a romantic comedy, well it has but only the jerky bad parts, and over the years I've learned to welcome the fact that I am an introvert, and not fight it. When I was younger, if i wasn't hanging out with a guy, or going out or doing something with "friends", I just felt like i must be the biggest loser, blah blah balh. I'm sure we've all been there! I also used to beat myself up for not having a boyfriend, or dates, or any of that stuff. But somewhere along the way, I realized that I love, and need to live alone. I feel very strongly that if I ever got married, I would want to still keep my own place for refuge. I've lived alone for so long, that I just can't imagine co-existing. I love that I can take up all the space in the bathroom, and leave my lotions and potions everywhere! And that's just one example.
This is just a rambling post. My mind is buzzing from reading this book, and I am feeling like I'm on the cusp of figuring some things out. Things that are long overdue.
I want to sign off with this quote that really struck me." If you haven't had at least a slight poetic crack in the heart, you have been cheated by nature."- Phyllis Battelle

The Best Day!

Yesterday was such a gorgeous sunny, barely a cloud in the sky kind of day, and here in Seattle that has been a rarity. The last few days were sunny, and boy did I need it. I lived in Seattle before for around eleven or twelve years, but I really never did get used to the grey and rain. I was starting to feel like I might need to buy some St. John's Wort or something! I went to my absolute all time favorite neighborhood in Seattle, Ballard. If you ever come to visit Seattle, you have to check out Ballard. I lived in a lot of neighborhoods in Seattle before, and I didn't always feel like I fit in with the vibe, but Ballard is one part where I have always felt the warm and fuzzies. It has a ton of cool bars/pubs/microbreweries, and all kinds of restaurants. There is a place on market street(the best street) that has a tiny little Vietnamese restaurant where I had my very first Banh Mi sandwich, and fell madly in love. They also have some really delicious lemongrass tofu, and several noodle dishes that are to die for. Ballard also has my favorite Trader Joe's in Seattle, and the best library, and all kinds of shops. It has gotten a little gentrified while I was away, so a lot of the shops are too pricey for me. I went into one of the clothing shops yesterday and I almost died at the prices. But all in all it was just what I needed. There were so many families, and couples enjoying the sun and eating outside, and strolling around, it was nice to just breathe in the positive energy.
It was also a good day because I was able to find a book I had been wanting forever from the library.

I owned this book about five or six years ago, but lost it at some point. I think I might have loaned it to someone who was going through a divorce, and they loaned it, and so on. It's an amazing book, and I hope my old copy with all of the notes and underlines is still being passed around and helping people. It seems like it's written for people going through a divorce, maybe people who have been married for years, and have forgotten what being single feels like. For me, I've never been married, and to be honest I have spent more of my adult life single than in relationships, but I still find this book to be very helpful. When you are single, especially never been married, and no kids, often you get treated one of two ways. Either with pity, and a side of passive aggressive judgement, like there is clearly something wrong with you, or you get treated like because you are single, you have no responsibilities, and life is just one big carefree party after another. So for me, the first time I read this book it made me feel so much better, this was the first time someone had said to me"it's okay, and just as normal to be single as to be married" Neither one is right or wrong, or good or bad. At the time I needed the reassurance, because I was feeling bad about being single with no kids for the first time in my life. I was a nanny at the time, and when I would pick up the kid at preschool, some of the moms sometimes said some back-handed things and I felt bad. I also felt like my single status made some of them look at me like I was a floozy or something. But, if you are single, but You're divorced, you are way less of a threat. I think it's because marriage is the norm in society, so when someone is different, it's scary, or weird, or whatever, we nee to judge it. Anyway, for anyone who is single for whatever reason, I really recommend this book. The author, Judy Ford lives and practices (she's a therapist) in Kirkland, WA., which is a city that's very close to Seattle. Unfortunately I can't afford to go to her for therapy, which I would love, but I can read and re-read her lovely book! She focuses on all the positive aspects of living alone, and has little things her clients have learned to love about being single(not mentioning their name of course) I can't say enough good things, and I'm sure I will be writing about it here as I get into re-reading it. I know the holidays are coming, and it can make you blue to be single, and couple that with familial pressures, this book might help any singletons survive! She also gives you some witty retorts to some of the rude things people say. So, expect to be hearing a lot more about this book!
Happy Monday!

Et tu, Brute?

I have to have a little rant session. I think subconsciously that is one of the reasons I started a second blog. To Rant. That way I can keep my first blog all vegan and kind and stuff.
So, I bought some chocolate liqueur cherries from Trader Joe's. I have had liqueur cherries before and enjoyed them. So, I got these home and tried one, and the burn was real! It was like these were filled with moonshine. I thought, okay, maybe I had an empty stomach, so I tried another after eating some food, and the burn was worse. I seriously felt like my stomach was getting burned. To be honest, the burn is still there. I paid six dollars for these, and while that's a fine deal if they were tasty, six dollars is a lot to pay to have your stomach burned from the inside. So, I called them today to see if I could return/exchange them. I explained to the person I talked to how much these burned. She was very nice, and first said of course you can bring them back. But, then the conversation kind of took a turn for the worse. She informed me that she has never heard anyone else have this complaint, and some people "you know, just have like sensitive stomachs" It irritated me because it's the age old corporate give the customer what they want, but also blame them. I have never in my life had a sensitive stomach. I know I probably shouldn't even be ranting, because like I said, she was nice, and they are letting me exchange, but I just didn't like the customer is wrong vibe at the end. I have dealt with that at so many different places, and I was very surprised to have it happen at Trader Joe's, since I place them way above other companies. But, at the end of the day hey are still a corporation. Sigh.
Here is a review I came across noting the burn. There are several others floating around. These companies forget that people don't always give feedback at the stores. I may blog about something I love from Trader Joe's, and tell everyone I know, but that doesn't mean when I'm shopping there I tell my cashier what I love. Anyway, in the grand scheme of life this is filed under petty gripes for sure, but I still needed to vent. I already feel better!

Red Bike

I've never had a romantic relationship come from dating someone( as stranger) I've always formed romantic relationships with friends, or friends of a friend. To tell the truth, the few dates with strangers I've been on I really hated. I went on one blind date, and it was a nightmare pretty much from the jump. And it made me seriously question the friend who had set it up. My most recent ex was not only a friend, but one of my BEST friends for over eight years. We saw each other almost daily, saw each other at our best, and our worst. When we first met, he had a bright red BMX bike that he rode everywhere! I never learned to ride a bike as a kid, and I learned how to ride a bike on that very BMX. We spent hours talking. I haven't owned a television set in over ten years, and back in the day I didn't own a computer, so when my friends came over to hang out, we actually hung out. Like, sat around and talked. This was also in the lovely time before I phones and smart phones and androids and apps, so people weren't  glued to their phones. Anyway, I'm saying all of this to say that D and I were as close as close can be. I always felt like he found me interesting. That's why so many things came as a shock in our relationship. We spent hours talking. He would hang out with me when I was a drunk mess, and I can only imagine what that was like. And yet I always felt like he thought I was so cool, and so interesting. When we first made the leap from friendship to more than friends, not much changed, other than you know, sex. I still felt that same connection, only deeper. I can't pinpoint exactly when things seemed to change, but at some point it just seemed like he had heard all he needed to hear from me. We had become one of those bored with each other old couples before our time. The more he ignored, the harder I tried. He had every reason in the world for not listening. It always blamed me in some way. I walked in the room when he was playing a video game, so it's not his fault, because I should have waited for his undivided attention. The problem was there wasn't a time when he wasn't playing a video game. I had somehow managed to live my entire life without dating a "gamer", and let me tell you something, I was lucky. If and when I date anyone again, if any type of video game is ever mentioned, I am out of there.
I will never know the answer as to why this happened. I don't know which one of us changed so drastically, or if it was both, or neither. He never acknowledged that it was a problem. Or, I guess he never acknowledged that it was maybe a little bit of a problem with him. It was always put on me. Towards the end of things, he said that he simply didn't care about veganism, vegan food, politics or world events, and that was that.  He became the kind of boyfriend who he would have made fun of, and told me I was way too good for when we were friends. It's a very strange thing to try to figure out.
I thought for sure that we would have made it for the long haul. We knew each other so well, flaws and all. We had seen each through various relationships and break-ups, we just knew each other, and respected each other. There was a period of time that I believe we could have broken up, and maybe after we healed we could have remained friends. But at this point, our friendship is a distant memory to me. Way too much damage was done. I have dated my share of frogs, but never has anyone so aggressively ignored me, and my feelings. It wasn't like I kept it a secret that this was a deal breaker for me. It was easier for him to walk away from me, than to show interest in anything that matters to me. That's a very bitter pill to swallow, but i am working very hard to not take it personal.
I will always have the fondest memories of the boy with the red bike.
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" Dr. Suess

Balance

                                        
I love The Young Turks (especially Cenk!!) and I watched this video yesterday, and it had me thinking all day. Towards the end of the video, Cenk talks about living a life of balance, and it really hit home. Balance is the best word to describe what I am going for in my life. I have done so many extremes in my life, and the healthier I get, the more I crave balance.I certainly haven't lived as crazy of a life as Charlie Sheen, but I have lived my own version of his life. In my experience, Cenk is absolutely right, when you don't live a life of balance, there is a price. I can say that I have a particular issue that stems from my years as a bulimic, and it will be a thorn in my side for the rest of my life. Someday I would like to write about it, maybe as a cautionary tale for someone else, but I'm not really ready yet. But just trust me it is very difficult to deal with, and I did it to myself.
I'm sure my lungs aren't the greatest, or my liver after many years of abuse. I don't have health insurance, so what you don't know, right? That's why I know a lot about different herbs and spices, and foods are very good for both of those body parts, because I don't need a doctor to tell me I've done damage, so I do my best to try to heal myself.
There's a thought that people who are "partiers" are just happy go lucky people who love to party, and often people look at them almost with admiration. Especially men. Men are the party animal, bachelor for life, and they are considered super fun, and I think a lot of people think of them as super free spirited, happy go lucky people. Maybe some are, but in all of my years as a partier, and also being exposed to that lifestyle through my work as a bartender and cocktail waitress I find that to not be true. When the stimulants wear off, the unhappiness comes in.
For me, coming off of living a life of excess I'm finding it hardest to deal with the pain and feelings that I worked so hard to drink away. I feel like it stunted my emotional growth as an adult. I feel like I'm figuring things out that I should have figured out years ago. And sometimes emotionally it can be overwhelming, because it's a lot of pain I masked through booze, so when some of it hits me, and then more hits me, and I don't have that outlet, it's very overwhelming.
Our life catches up with us. That is something I absolutely never allowed myself to think about. I never stepped out of any of my self destructive patterns to think about how this could and would affect the future. I guess part of me didn't care, because I didn't value myself or my life. But the truth is, our habits and choices, both good and bad have a huge affect on our lives not only in the moment, but in our future. That is the hardest thing for a "partier" to understand.

Why?

                                         
I just watched this video, and I found it very moving. If you watch it, watch it until the end. The last words in the video are incredibly moving, and so true. I can't believe the world we live in. What is happening? I remember a time when things like this didn't happen on what seems to be a daily basis. What scares me the most is that so many terrible violent things are happening so often, we are getting jaded, and immune to the severity of what it all means. I look at the faces of these two men and my heart breaks.
I don't know how we can make this stop. I know we need it to stop. Everybody does. Our world is becoming too filled with hate, and rage.
My heart is very heavy, and I desperately want to know how to change this? If you have seven minutes, please watch this video.
Give someone a hug and a compliment today.

When a Guilty Pleasure is No Longer Pleasing

For as long as I can remember, I have loved magazines. It started with seventeen, and other teem mags, and moved into Glamour, Cosmo, Jane, etc. I eventually grew away from those types of magazines, but I never gave up my love for the gossip rags. I'm not a gossipy person by nature, so i don't know why I love them so, but I do. Fun fact, back in the day, they only came out every month, and gossip blogs and websites didn't exist. I used to live for the moment the new issues started popping up. My favorite nights were when I had a fresh copy of all the magazines that I liked, a new romantic comedy, and some hot chocolate. Bliss. I stopped buying magazines ages ago but I moved my love of celebrity gossip online. There are so many gossip blogs, you can be updated every second! I have three websites that I prefer. For many reasons I've been feeling like I should cut down. Not cut it out completely, just cut back. It's not like you need to read more than one, they pretty much all recycle the same stories, not unlike regular news. I'm a believer in doing what you enjoy. When I was a smoker, I always told myself I would quit when I stopped enjoying it. It took some time, but that's what I did. I guess that makes sense as a minimalist. Let go of the stuff that doesn't serve you. Anyway, I've been feeling for awhile that sometimes the celeb buzz brings me down. A lot of it is mean, and quite misogynistic, which I never noticed before. Also, the ads telling me how fat, old and wrinkled I am drive me insane. So, like most habits this one didn't want to go away. But, on Friday, something in me snapped when I was looking at one of the three sites I visit. The ads were coming from everywhere, sounds and lights and it was just an effing out of control assault. It was that moment that I realized, this is not bringing me pleasure. This is not a distraction from the annoyance of everyday life, it's adding to the annoyance! It's funny how when you really make an effort to get rid of negativity in your life, you start seeing things so clearly, and you start noticing things that you didn't even realize were making you feel bad in the first place!
I had kind of plateaued after giving up on the beer and cigs. I think I was just kind of coasting, and lately with the hil and a few other things I feel like I'm on a mission to do all that I can to make the life that I want.Gossip rags today, love and kindness all around tomorrow!

I'm a Softie

So, two days ago I entered the modern world kicking and screaming, and joined Instagram! I have no idea what I'm doing, and although I have posted a few pictures, I have no real idea of what is going on, what I'm doing, where do the pictures go? So many questions, blah blah blah. I somehow downloaded the app from my computer, but now Instagram is on my phone, and I can't access my account from my computer, and it's frustrating because I really want to edit my profile and such from my laptop. When I try to google for help, sometimes the answers make the problem worse. Like I might as well be talking to a doctor about medical stuff. I simply don't understand. I might just go to the library ans ask for help from a stranger, because at this point I feel anyone, including a nine year old, and also a ninety year old know more than me!
The biggest thing that scares me about stepping more in to social media is people. I have been shocked and very dismayed by some of the mean comments I've read on other people's social media, and I'm talking about vegans! I am a very sensitive person, and my opinion has been that I should stay away. I flirted with the idea of starting my own YouTube channel when I first started blogging, but I quickly realized I don't have that hard shell that I feel like you need to deal with the onslaught of hate and judgement. And sadly I am once again talking about the vegan community. My sensitivity is one of my best qualities, in my opinion. My whole life every single person I've ever known has told me to "stop being so sensitive" or "I need to develop a thick skin" and so on. I'm sure every sensitive person out there has heard the same things. But, I think just like the world needs those people who charge through life and do their thang without caring what others think, we need sensitive souls to balance everything out. The world needs sensitivity. So, I somehow after everything I've endured in life still don't have a hard shell, and I want to stay that way. I don't want to be a hardened person.
I don't plan on posting selfies, or any picture of myself on my Instagram, so at least I won't have to hear about my looks or weight. But I do want to showcase vegan food. I really want to help show people how honestly delicious vegan food is, and how there really is something for everyone. But, I will be showing all kinds of vegan food, including some vegan junk.
I guess I'm doing it as a trial. If things start hurting my feelings, I will sign off. There are many ways to spread the vegan message. Isn't it sad that this is how it is? I can't imagine I'm the only person who feels this way.
Anyway, as I've been talking about working on my patience, this whole Instagram thing is a great example. I'm doing a lot of learning as I go, and the lessons are hit or miss, but so far I haven't gotten pissed  and thrown my phone, or any other fits. And, I've posted several pictures, and actually learned some things, because i exercised patience. It's weird how things all tie together if you pay attention.
Are you on Instagram?  How do you cope with negativity online? Will I ever fully understand it?

Assumptions

My rainy Saturday

I've talked about The Four Agreements before, and how I have been reading it for quite some time. The words in this book hit so close to home, and I have to stop, and take some time to absorb what I've read. I've gone months in between agreements. I really like books like this, those pauses that I have to take let me know I'm growing, and changing. I just finished the fourth chapter, which is the third agreement. The Third Agreement is "Don't Make Assumptions". I don't know about you, but I am guilty of this like a million times over. If assumptions were a crime, I would have already gotten the chair. And I really didn't realize how guilty I was until I read this chapter. I also didn't realize how toxic it was. Haven't we all at some point had someone not answer the phone, or maybe be a little short with us, and we assume they are mad or irritated with us, only to find out it had nothing to do with you? That has happened to me so many times, and I always feel like wow, I was so negative about the whole situation for nothing! What a waste!
I circled some points he made in the book that really stood out to me, and I thought I would share. The first paragraph I circled says this-"It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering"  This goes right to what I just said! He also says "we make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions". That hit me so hard I now have that sentence on a Post-it note on my bathroom mirror, with a Post-it next to it telling me to have courage!
Next he says"When we believe something, we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position." He goes on to talk about how we make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do, think the way we think, feel the way we feel, etc. I think that is one of the main problems with humans. We have a hard time understanding other perspectives, and ways of feeling and dealing. And, we get mad or hurt(assumptions) and don't talk about it, and it just causes unnecessary negativity and feelings. He says that the reason we as humans have a fear of being ourselves around others is because we think everyone will judge, abuse us, reject us, and blame us the way we do ourselves. He says even before others have a chance to reject us, we reject ourselves. So, we reject ourselves before anyone else can. This describes me for about as long as I can remember. It's going to take a lot of work to change this habit. I feel like I do it so often, it's going to be hard for me to catch myself. But I want to be free from this. I want to be me, and I don't want to reject myself.  It's worth it for this last paragraph I circled, " If you don't understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear, instead of making an assumption. The day you stop making assumptions you will communicate cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison. Without making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable."
I'm learning so much from this book, I'm learning ways to heal myself, and it's helping me to learn what some of my problems are in the first place! This is a book I will be reading over and over, because I have a feeling I will learn more with every read.
Have you read The Four Agreements? If so, what did you think?

Plant a Seed, Watch it Grow!

Patience is something I lack. It doesn't run in my family, and it wasn't shown to me as a child. I've only really recently really made the connection, and admitted to myself that it is a problem. I want to learn to be more patient with myself, and with others. I made the connection earlier this morning when I was writing my post on my vegan blog, today is my 500th post over there, and it's pretty amazing, and unlike me. I realize that although I have a LONG way to go, I have shown myself some patience. When I first started that blog, I didn't know what the eff I was doing. I didn't know how to post a picture, or a link! How embarrassing! I thought, no one wants to read things without gorgeous pictures! And, I didn't even know if I would be able to write anything that anyone would want to read. Some people don't have a way with words. But, I was patient with myself, and I kept blogging, and I kept trying my best to learn what I could, and I just tried to let stuff happen organically, instead of trying to rush, and then getting frustrated.
I think the fact that I want to help spread the vegan message made it easier for me to stick with it. Because saving animals is more important to me than my silly ego.
I still have a long way to go with patience, but I have noticed lately that it's easier for me to catch myself when I feel like I'm about to lose it, I'm more able to breathe myself through it. My kitchen in my apartment is very tiny, and the other day I felt myself getting worked up, and I stopped, stepped out of the kitchen and what I was doing, and just breathed. I was cooking a meal, nothing worth getting all worked up over. That's progress for me!
I think I've given up on myself a lot in the past. I had no faith in myself, and I certainly didn't have the patience to try to hang in there with things. I don't want to give up on myself anymore.
More and more every day 'm learning the importance of not giving up on yourself. It's never too late for any of us to change, and the smallest little change can change SO many things, and open up so many other doors. The key is being PATIENT!
I hope i can encourage other people who struggle with issues to not give up on healing yourself. Nothing really heals the pain like dealing with the pain.
Happy Saturday!

Mainstream for the Win!

                                      
Thank you so much to Jennifer for bringing this video to my attention. Great minds think alike! Ha. I get wanting to be unique, and while it's not something that matters to me, I understand wanting to be exclusive, underground, whatever you want to call it. It happens to indie musicians, artists, actors, and so on if they gain popularity, often they face criticism from their longtime fans. Whatever, people will be people. But in the case of veganism, if you want it to be some sort of exclusive thing, than you are vegan for the wrong reasons. We want veganism to become so mainstream that we forget a time when it wasn't what everyone is doing.I went to Target yesterday for some paper towels and such(Litter!!) and they were having a sale on gardein, so I threw a package of the fishless filets in my basket, thought of the vegan food militia judging, and decided to go for the meatless loaf as well!
Today is another rainy day in Seattle, and I was trying so hard to talk myself out of my walk up the hill, and I almost convinced myself. But, I looked at the weather, and we are officially in faal/winter in Seattle, and rain is in the forecast for, well a really long time. So, I'm going to obviously have this argument with myself ALOT! But, I did it, and as usual when you push yourself I feel great. I feel very strongly that that hill is playing a big role in me continuing on with my health journey. And I have to say that my skin is so much softer, and less dry living in this rainy environment. When I'm huffing and puffing up that hill, the air that I'm huffing in feels so clean and fresh! And when I get home, my face looks like it was kissed by the dew fairy! It's not much, but it's my hill, and it will lead to bigger hills in the future!

I got this card at Trader Joe's yesterday. They have amazing cards for only ninety-nine cents! I have kind of a collage on my bedroom wall of various cards and such. So I hung this above my bed to remind me in my sleep.
Happy Friday!

Musings and Thrifting

May we all find this level of contentment!

Is this a best friends for life picture or what? I catch my kitties in some of the cutest positions sleeping. I often wonder if they ever hover over me in my sleep thinking I'm so cute. I somehow doubt it. They hover over me if they feel it's time for breakfast, and I need to wake up!
I wanted to talk again about the militant vegan health police. I know I already ranted, but it is a very upsetting subject for me. I know this sounds naive, but when I first went vegan, I assumed I would just magically have something in common with any other vegan I met. I feel like veganism has nothing to do with us, or how we look, and everything to do with wanting to save and protect animals. This was when I spent zero time on the webz, so I guess that explains my naivete.  It just shocks me because I never would have imagined vegans would be attacking and hateful in general, let alone towards other vegans. It makes me sad. It is a turn-off. I can make his comparison. I have a family member who is very Christian. This person is constantly trying to really drive the Christian point home at all times. This person is also a very unhappy, angry person, and extremely judgmental. Like to the max. They have tried to point me in the way of several Christian leaders, or whatever they are, people on TV. Like the Christian network or something. Anyway, these people also seem very angry. Like why are they yelling at me while they are preaching love, WHY? I am scared to be in a room alone with them, I'm scared they will try to waterboard me into accepting Jesus. My point is, it's not a very inviting look into Christianity, and if I were a rational, non-angry Christian, I would be pissed at their representation of that religion. It makes me feel like heaven must really be hell if I would be stuck with these angry bitter people waiting to judge. This is what non vegans must feel when they see or hear some of the vile thins that some of the vegan militia say.
At this stage of the game, we all know that cigarettes are not good for us. I knew they were bad for me when I smoked. But I chose to smoke anyway. It was an addiction. At this stage of the game we all know that a beige, fast food diet is bad. We know that weighing four hundred pounds, no matter your height is not a good look, or healthy. Like we all know it. There are people who honestly don't care what they put into their bodies. My ex boyfriend would only put a certain kind of gas from a certain station in his car, but will smoke a pack a day, and eat top ramen, McDonalds, Dominoes, just whatever junk every day. So, I hope the vegan police start thinking of other tactics. Attacking non vegans for their weight is not the way to go. Attacking vegans for their VEGAN food choices and /or weight is not the way to go either. I will try to let this subject rest FOR NOW.
On a totally unrelated note, I found some super cute thrift store finds the other day, and I wanted to share. Thrifting is so fun, and I love finding really unique items. I love when you find a mug that was clearly hand made by someone for someone, or some other hand made treasure.

I found this for ninety nine cents, and it sits perfectly on the wall above where I keep my garbage can. The wall was bare and kind of driving me nuts. I'm very much of a minimalist when it comes to furniture, but I do not like bare walls at all.

This picture is a perfect example of home made goodies. It's a list someone typed out of thirty-three ways to stay creative. I know this sounds strange, but I really get the warm and fuzzies, and I feel like when anything is made out of love, it's always going to radiate love and good vibes. I've been taking whatever free writing classes I can find at the library, so tapping into my creativity is something I have been really focusing on, as I love writing.

I also found this purse which I LOVE! It was like four dollars! The top is the front, and the bottom is the back. I just love thrifting so much. It's really amazing some of the things you find. It also says ALOT about our consumerist society, but I'll save that rant for another day!
My thought for today is Kindness. I want that to grow and grow and grow!

Vegan YouTube, a Rant

Today I have a rant. I have tried to let this feeling of anger and indignation go, but it's really hanging on, and I thinks I need me a rant. So, earlier this morning I was watching a vegan YouTuber I enjoy doing a review of a vegan chicken nugget or strip. She does these reviews about once a week of different vegan convenience or junk foods, and the videos are enjoyable to watch, and I would imagine helpful to non vegans who are a little veg curious. So, I was scrolling down the comments as I do, because I like to see if any non vegans give some feedback. As an ethical vegan, I am interested in connecting with the open minded non vegan people, because I want less people to eat animals. So, I'm reading comments, and another somewhat well known vegan YouTuber left a comment that said "Gee I wonder why you're not getting leaner long term" A few others chimed in about how these videos are promoting processed crap, and not healthy whole foods. I have had non vegans say to me in the past that I am the "least Judgmental" vegan they've met. That comment always kind of put me off guard, because I had never really met any judgmental vegans either, and I wondered who these mythical, miserable judgmental people were. They were hanging out on YouTube! I have a problem with this attitude for several reasons. As someone with an eating disordered past, and also body image issues, this hurts my feelings. The person in question, who isn't "lean enough" is not even overweight. I understand that obesity and shitty eating is a huge problem in this country, but we don't all have to look like Freelee the banana girl in order to be healthy, or attractive. As a vegan, I am turned off from veganism because of these negative attitudes. Whether these health gurus like it or not, there are people out there who eat beige foods all day, and consider a small dinner salad made with iceberg lettuce to be their vegetable intake for the day. I've watched the inspiring documentaries with people who drop the crap food and green juice it and look and feel fabulous. They are so inspiring, and yes, some people get inspired and become healthy. Others watch it and have a pepperoni pizza. Not everyone desires a vegan diet at all, let alone one full of raw fruit and veg. I wish it were different, but we are a junk food nation, and have been for a long time. And animals are dying and suffering immensely because of it. I want that to stop, I want to welcome people to veganism, and I want them to know that they can still have a greasy cheeseburger, a chicken nugget, even Taco Bell if they desire, and no one has to get hurt and die. We can judge their vegan food choices later, okay? Let's get them off of animals first. This does not help the already somewhat negative stereotype of vegans. We take one step forward, and these angry, above it all YouTubers take us twenty steps back. It's hard for me to believe that they even care about animals, because these nasty attitudes are not helping the animals at all. Vegans are attacking other vegans, I don't understand. If you don't like someone's food choices, as long as the food is vegan why not just leave it alone? Or, why not leave a comment airing your disagreement, but keeping it to the food, not going after the weight? If I would have read that comment back in my bulimic days, it would have sent me into a tailspin, because like I said, the person in question is not overweight. Our snarky words have power. And what frustrates me the most, is that a lot of these people insist that if you don't agree with their tactics that you are not a "real" vegan. And if you aren't lean, you are not a good spokesperson for veganism. What kind of  religious cult like thinking is that? Unbelievable. I actually believed it for awhile, and when the shitty attitude started getting to me, I questioned myself for some time. Vegans are a serious minority. Animals are dying because we are and continue to be a minority. Is the answer to silence and shame other vegans because they don't live the way you do? Is it right to make someone feel as if they shouldn't speak up for ANIMALS because they don't have the perfect BMI? Is that what veganism is all about? Because if it is, I will take my no animal eating, wearing, using, harming ass over to the side, and speak up for animals in my own way. I've never liked labels anyway.
As a little P.S. I wanted to say that there are some cool vegan YouTubers that I enjoy, and I feel show how normal being vegan really is. Vegans of all shapes and sizes, and all different eating styles. So they are out there. It's just sad to me that some of the loudest voices with the most subscribers are very toxic and negative, and in no way represent the vegan that I am, or would ever want to be.

Running Up That Hill

It has been raining here in Seattle for so many days now, I forget when I last saw the sky blue. The temperature is still pretty mild, especially coming off of a few winters in the snow belt. So, I'm trying to stay upbeat, because it really could be worse. I am struggling though. So, this morning was so hard to force myself to go up this damn hill. It was one of those days where I was cursing myself for even thinking of this dumb idea. I was ready to put it on hold until spring rolls around. I came up with five thousand reasons not to do it, and not one to do it. It was really hard to get myself to do it. Everyone was right, I am super stubborn! But guess what, I made myself,kicking and screaming, and today was the first day I noticed an improvement in my breathing! I didn't feel as winded when I got to the top! I mean, it's weird because I noticed a big difference just between yesterday and today! Progress woot woot! It may not be INSTANT gratification, but it sure feels great!
I'm glad I chose this goal in the rainy fall instead of spring or summer. It's more of a challenge. As I've been saying, this is about much more than exercise. On a side note, I swear I'm noticing an improvement on my thighs! But this is about making myself stick to my word, and sticking with something, even when it's hard. Believing in myself, and proving I can do it, whatever it is are skills I lack, and definitely want to work on.
I can hardly believe this is me typing these words. It seems so strange that I am choosing to be good to myself. No one can take this little accomplishment away from me except for me. Pretty cool. I like being part of the making good choices club, I think I'll stay for awhile!

Patience

I've been really trying to figure out why I feel so tempted to reach for a cigarette and beer lately. I've been feeling so great, so it confuses me that I would want to throw that all away. I know that deep down I don't want to, I don't want to start being unhealthy again. If I pick up a cigarette, I can say bye to my daily hill trek. I think I've figured out part of the problem. With a cigarette and a drink, you get  instant results. As soon as that alcohol and nicotine hit your system,  you have instant relief. It's also less work. The cigarette and alcohol did most of the work. Since trying to live a cleaner, healthier life I just haven't gotten the same results, and as I've mentioned patience is something I am always working on. The truth of the matter is I had a lot more friends when I was a party girl. I know that the friendships weren't based on anything meaningful, but still some of those friendships did mean something to me, and I do have some good memories. The truth of the matter is since embarking on a healthier lifestyle, I've never been lonelier. I don't know where I will end up, because I don't feel like I fit in with health based people, because I still enjoy some delicious vegan junk food from time to time, and I am trying to get healthy without being obsessive about food or my body. So, when I crave smoking or drinking, I think I'm craving some of those times when I had friends over, and we were just hanging out, and being goofy and having fun.
Having the patience to wait and see what is coming next is the hardest thing. I think I need this alone time in order to learn how to be my own friend first.
Two things that are really helping me figure some stuff out are journaling, and walking up this hill. I've heard people talk about journaling for many years, and like happiness it seemed to be something for other people. It just didn't seem like something that could help me. To be honest, sometimes I still feel that way. But I do know that it's helping. It's helping me to learn things about myself that I didn't know. And so far my journal and my hill walking are keeping me on the path I want to be on.
Taking it one day at a time is easier said than done!

Return to Sender

One of the biggest problems in my last relationship was my ex's aggressive show of not listening to me. I've experienced people not listening before, but usually people at least try to look a little interested. My ex was nothing if not brutally honest. For the most part he totally denied being a horrible listener, and when I would bring it up it would result in a huge argument. At some point he finally didn't deny being a horrible listener, instead he informed me that it wasn't that he was a horrible listener, it was just that he wasn't interested in anything I talked about. Please keep in mind that I wasn't trying to talk to him about make-up. He doesn't really care about politics or world events, and he could not care less about veganism. He also doesn't read, like anything. It's not that he doesn't know how to read, it's just that he has no interest in books, magazines, online magazines/articles. If it isn't on reddit, it doesn't matter to him. I let this affect me, and it made me question myself in every way. In no way do I think I am the world's most interesting person, but I also know I'm not the most boring either. But yet it made me this insecure person around him, constantly questioning myself, constantly trying to keep myself in check, keep track of how long I was talking, try to think of what could be interesting topics, etc. It was a lot of work, and a lot of insecurity. It trickled down to other people too. If I was at a store, having the usual chit chat as you check out, I would worry that I talked too much, or that I totally bored the cashier and everyone around.  I remember one fight we had over him not listening, I said to him, please just tell me to shut the eff up when I'm boring you that much. He clutched his pearls and said, "I could never be that cold and rude" So funny, because completely ignoring someone when they talk is just a passive aggressive shut the eff up. But he just refused to see any kind of similarity.
I've been reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and the second agreement is don't take anything personally. This has been something I've struggled with my whole life. I think it's a really tough one. But it's something that I want to work on.  This paragraph stood out to me. "Someone can intentionally send emotional poison, and if you don't take it personally, you won't eat it. When you don't take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but not in you." I can think of a billion times in my life when I have eaten the emotional poison.
Here's to forever pursuing the dream, whatever your dream is. I will never stop fighting for animals, and I will always care about politics, environmental issues, and world issues. There is already too much apathy in this world, I can't let anyone steal my voice.
Are you able to let other people's stuff roll off your shoulders, or do you struggle with taking things personal?

Lost & Found

Yesterday when I got to the top of my hill, I decided to turn down a side street instead of going straight back down the hill, which is what I usually do. I just decided I wanted some different scenery I guess. Well, the roads didn't connect the way I thought they would, and then one different turn turned into a wrong turn, and it all equaled LOST. It was like five or five thirty in the morning, so not a lot of people out and about to ask for directions. I just kept following the sound of traffic, because I knew that was the street I needed/came from.  I looked crazy too, sweat pants, flip flops, and a hat and jacket. I looked like the insane person breaking into houses and peeing in the living room or something. I learned a lesson about patience, which is something I've been working on for AWHILE now. I lose patience easily, with myself, other people, situations, etc. It's been a problem for as long as I can remember. Anyway, in the past I would have gotten very flustered, berated myself, and just let getting lost kind of ruin my mood, and probably my day. How crazy right? I mean it's not like I was in the wilderness without a compass! I was in the vicinity of a police station for the love of all! So, really no reason to lose it. I chose instead to look at it as extra exercise, I got to see a few cute dogs out for their morning walks, and I also got to see quite a few awesome houses that I might never see otherwise. It was no big deal, I made it home, and I was actually in a much better mood than before I left.
I know I've said it a million times, but I really feel like this hill is more than just exercise for me. I think that it is going to teach me things, and help me figure out things that I need to figure out. I feel like we learn things when we are ready, and more than ever I feel open to change, and learning, and growing. And on the other hand, I have been dealing with some temptations to pick up some old habits, like a cigarette and a beer, so the hill keeps me accountable. I'm not climbing that thing after I've smoked cigarettes, I would die! And blogging about walking this hill is keeping me double-y accountable. It's funny how life works sometimes.
Walking up a hill beats a hangover any day of the week! Happy Thursday!

Listen to Yourself!

I am so thankful that I didn't listen to the interwebz when it came to paint my cabinet. I watched a few tutorials on YouTube, and according to them I should use special laminate paint. This was supposed to be a free project, and so I didn't want to spend money on paint, when I have all this extra. On a side note, Home Depot, or any type of hardware store/section is not my favorite place to be. I feel very out of sorts. So, I decided to make my own rules, and use the paint I had. It turned out a smashing success!

Original bland color

Chunk, mid yawn. Inspecting is such hard work!

The color is a little deeper than the picture. I remember having the same issue with the pictures of my walls when I painted them. But regardless, it turned out great, and I had no issues with the paint I used. Now that it's totally dry, I see a few spots where I need to touch up, but other than that it's ready! Now, I have a place to take food pictures for my other blog, and the drawers are very deep, so I can keep lots of spices and other pantry items in there, since space in my kitchen is so limited.
It's so incredible to me how much better it feels to be handling my pain and emotions productively, not drinking and smoking my days away, an endless spin of misery. I still feel just as crappy and cry much more than I would admit, but it isn't controlling my whole day. I feel like I'm working through, not just getting over.
Before I sign off, I want to say to anyone who might be struggling with wanting to be self destructive, find a hill. It doesn't have to be an actual hill, but find a challenge for yourself, and really make yourself stick with it. The cravings for things that are bad for you will go away naturally, no need for any help. When you are doing good, and you want more good, and you become very protective of that feeling. You don't want anyone or anything, including yourself taking it away.

Positive Musings

Today is positive vibe Monday! Something I'm feeling very positive about is the fact that it is November, and it is still in the fifties, and sometimes sixties here in rainy Seattle! I wish I could say sunny Seattle, but you can't have everything, right? I'm also very happy with my decision to tackle this hill every day. It's so much more than the exercise. It's teaching me to stick to the commitment I made to myself. And I've let myself down way too many times in my life. It stops now. I remember years ago seeing an episode of Oprah where she said that we tend to stick to promises we make to other people, but when it comes to promises we make to ourselves, we're much more willing to break them. I don't know about you, but that is the solid truth for me.
I notice that I'm thinking clearer, and I'm learning that just being in your feelings won't kill you. You don't have to starve, binge/purge or drink them away. That doesn't do anything. The feelings don't go away, no matter how hard you shove them. This is probably obvious to most people. Deep down I've known too, but I just wasn't ready to handle my feelings. This is what people who can't afford therapy do. They either self medicate, or they find a hill.
Something I know about myself is that I sometimes put up with things that I would never find acceptable for someone I care about. It would drive me bonkers. I can think of one relationship in particular that I said to myself over and over "come on girl, be your own friend here." But something about the guy, or the relationship always kept me coming back. I'm not proud of this fact, but most of my relationships have been like that. But the one in particular I had moments of clarity that I chose to ignore, where as most of the others I was in full on denial. If you would have asked me at the time I would have told you I was in the most awesome relationship with the most amazing guy EVER!
I'm getting way off track from positive vibe Monday. I just feel overwhelmed with how great it feels to take care of yourself, and be your own cheerleader. I'm doing all of this on my own. I don't have a single person that I talk to about this goal of mine. The few casual friends I have aren't into healthy things, so it's just something I keep to myself. I've said it before, but not everyone has a support system, so you have to be that support for yourself. Life doesn't stop moving because we are in a funk.

This ugly looking cabinet thing was left by someone, and it's going to get painted today by yours truly. I have leftover eggplant paint from painting an accent wall in my apartment, and I'm going to see if it will work on this weird fake wood type of surface. I'm going to place it next to my kitchen and use it as extra cupboard space since my kitchen is TINY. Fingers crossed it turns out amazing. I blame all of this productive handling of things that annoy me on the fresh morning air I'm getting as I gasp for breath trudging up this hill! Hopefully there will be so much more to come!
Happy Monday!

It's Not Me, It's You.

                                           
This absolutely cracked me up. And if this actually existed, it would be AMAZING (except for the price) I would have been hitting that alert multiple times a day in my last relationship. One of our biggest problems was his aggressive disinterest in just about anything I had to say. He has no interest in politics, world events, environmental issues, really anything. You know how most people have a discussion after a movie or TV show that they really enjoyed? Not really happening with this guy. It really messed with me. I started questioning everything about myself. I started thinking that maybe I was the world's most boring person.
As a single person, I get that "oh poor lonely you" ALOT! But first of all, I crave and need to be alone most of the time, and second of all, it is way lonelier to be in an empty relationship. None of my past relationships have been perfect(obviously) but I always felt like I was somewhat interesting to my partner. Maybe they weren't interested in a detailed description of my lotion and potion routine, but we could talk for hours about other topics. The strangest thing about the way things turned out with D is that we were friends for many years before dating. Like not friendly acquaintances, but real friends. We would hang out for HOURS talking about nothing and everything.  He hung out with me at my drunkest, and trust me as a former bartender no one can go on and on and on for days like someone who is drunk! I never felt like I was boring to him. Maybe I was to drunk to notice the boredom in his eyes.
I think being really listened to is one of the best feelings in the world. Partially because it's a rare feeling anymore, not to be taken for granted. If you look around you on any give day, there are very few conversations with direct eye contact. We live in a multi-tasking time. I guess it's more someone really WANTING to listen that is so special. When you know someone is really into the conversation, that's just the best.
"D" used to swear he could play video games and be listening to what I was saying. Or perusing Reddit, or whatever. But yet if anything came up about any topic that was discussed while he was killing zombies, he had no recollection. But yet he will go to his grave believing that he can kill zombies and listen to someone talk about a non zombie killing subject.
I wasted a lot of time berating myself for being so boring, but I now realize that while I may not be the worlds most interesting person, how boring is he? How boring is someone who is so apathetic they don't even want to discuss politics, or world issues, doesn't read anything other than reddit, and who's only hobby is video games?

Cozy Sunday Morning

I've been reading The Four Agreements for awhile now, and the chapter I'm reading this morning is about not taking things personally. Not accepting other people's poison. I feel like I'm late to the party with this book, but better late than never.
Here's an excerpt from the chapter I am reading that really made me stop."When you feel good, everything around you is good. When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You are loving everything that is around you, because you are loving yourself. Because you are happy with your life. You are happy with the movie that you are producing, happy with your agreements with life. You are at peace, and you are happy. You live in that state of bliss where everything is so wonderful, and everything is so beautiful. In that state of bliss you are making love  all the time with everything you perceive." I feel brief moments of that kind of happiness, especially in the last few days, but my goal is to walk around in that bliss all the time!
But, back to the ex, his need to not only not listen to me, but to almost go out of his way to make it as obvious as possible is his problem. It says nothing about me, and much more about him.
If you haven't read this amazing book, you really should. It is the kind of book that you read, and re-read, and loan to someone, and it touches them, and then they loan it to someone, and you never see your original copy again, so you buy another. But you don't even care because it's so great that so many people are loving it! I found my copy on Amazon for a pretty decent price.
Happy Sunday!