Memories

I remember when I used to love the holiday season. The lights, the music, the hustle and bustle, not to mention the feeling of goodwill in the air. I always felt like people were kinder, gentler. As a child growing up with a mom who really wasn't my biggest fan, the holidays were a reprieve from her cruelty and indifference towards me. We always had a fresh, real tree  that we all decorated, and we always had all the delicious sweets and treats around the house. My grandparents always came to visit, and I loved them so much, and they made everything better.
After being adopted my love of the holidays continued for a few years, but it was never the same. My adoptive parents don't have the same traditions, and I certainly didn't have the warm relationship with their parents that I did with my real grandparents.
At this point the holiday season is nothing but a month of pain and heartbreak. I have spent every Christmas alone for at least the past ten years. Even when I lived in the same city as my adoptive family, I chose to spend Christmas alone.
I try to keep up appearances and when people wish me happy holidays I try my best to smile and wish them the same. I don't want to be that grumpy bah humbug person. But it is who I've become. I try to act cool like it just doesn't matter, but it does.
I want to decorate, and bake delicious vegan sweets and have a huge holiday meal with all the vegan trimmings. But my cats just don't appreciate home cooking.
I hold on dearly to my memories of happier holiday times filled with family, love and warmth. And I hope that those memories help prevent me from becoming a total Grinch.

Progress not Perfection

For those of us who aren't Trump supporters this has been a tough few weeks. For myself it's less about Trump's win, and more about the hate his campaign not only stirred up, but normalized. I wrote about my sadness and frustration on my vegan blog and didn't know what to expect. I assumed most of my readers shared my opinion on the Trump debacle. I got two negative comments, which in the grand scheme of things is pretty good. I responded to the comments in what I feel was an appropriate way. Both had mentioned they were just here for the food posts, and one was offended by me using the word dick to describe Donald Trump. I mentioned to both people that I have never only talked about food on my blog, so maybe my blog wasn't for them. Not everyone is for everyone and all that. Well, one of the anonymous people who didn't like my political opinions responded to my response to them in such a cruel, personal way that it really threw me for a loop. They sent the response as an Email so no one else could see it which made it even more personal. It made me feel hurt and angry and also a little confused. And also a little leery of putting myself out there on the internet. Because when you write about your weaknesses it makes people feel like they know you, and the really vicious ones know what to say that will hit you hard. I haven't responded because what is the point? I feel that responding will only lead to another response, and it will only get meaner. But one thing I am grateful for is that it really made me think about how I respond to people I don't agree with. I don't want to ever be like this person. Because you never know what kind of day or week someone is having. I never want to make someone who I disagree with online feel the way I felt. I already am having a hard time coping with the impending holiday season, and just a lot of other stuff, this was close to being the straw that you know what. I was thinking about not blogging again, or drastically changing my blog by keeping my opinions to myself. Because of fear. This person made me feel scared of who I am, and what my opinions are. That same fear has caused a lot of mistakes and missed opportunities in  my life.  But today, as I am fighting the blues and trying to make my apartment as festive as possible for me and my cats, I am feeling grateful that I pulled myself out of my slump, and I didn't let fear rule over my decisions like I would have done in the past. Today I see that however slow, I am making progress.

Baby Steps

Well, yesterday I went to therapy for the first time in a million years. I had all but given up on therapy, and I was handling my depression pretty well through healthy choices. But I have hit a road block, and lately no amount of healthy living is helping. I feel like Pig Pen from The Peanuts. Except that instead of dirt, it's just sadness floating over my head. My body also feels very heavy, at times almost painful. I can think of different times in my life when I've felt especially depressed but yet still hopeful. Hopeful that at some point things will get better, and for the most part that's happened. But this time, I really have little to no hope.
As I left my appointment, I wanted to call someone and say "I did it", I made myself do it. And I had no one to call, no one to say "wow" "good for you" I don't think therapy will help heal that wound.
I like to fancy myself an open minded person though, so I'm willing to at least try. My attempts at therapy in the past have not really helped. But part of that is because I've been to some terrible therapists, and I've also tried therapy at times when I wasn't really wanting to be healthy. For over two years now that's all I've been striving for. I want to be one of those people who radiates happiness and light. I want to be inspiring to other people.
What I've realized is that even though I no longer drink or smoke cigarettes, all of those feelings and reasons why I did those things are still in me.
And even though I have nothing to do with my adoptive family, they are still very much a part of my life. I have to let go of this anger. It feels so impossible.
Therapy is hard, and it's scary. Opening up to a stranger is hard enough, but opening up those wounds and getting in there and getting dirty is not easy. But I'm starting to believe it's very necessary in order to move on. At least that's what I'm going with for now.

Locker Room Switch

As the Trump campaign marches on, he just keeps doing more and more outrageous, offensive stuff, and the people who are already opposed to him are horrified of course, but his supporters remain strong. While a lot of people are shocked and appalled at his words, especially about women, I am not surprised. Donald Trump speaks for a lot of men as far as I'm concerned, based on my life experiences. I've worked in bars and restaurants for most of my adult life, and unfortunately all the disgusting things Donald Trump has said pales in comparison to some of the things I've heard and had to deal with over the years.
When I hear people defending this talk as "locker room talk" it seriously makes me sick. That's part of the problem, that's why we have entitled men who think this is okay. Women excuse it as "boys will be boys" I can't tell you how many times I've had a problem with something some perv has said to me, and female coworkers have almost shamed me for being offended. It's really a tragedy that I got sucked into that line of work, because I am definitely not made for dealing with that stuff.
We like to think that sexual harassment is a thing of the past because we have so many laws, and blah blah blah. But, it does exist, and there are so many reasons why people don't speak up. When you don't have a ton of employment options, it can be scary to think about standing up for yourself and losing your job. Landlords in my experience don't care if you're being harassed at work, they care about rent.
I don't know what will make things better, but I know that someone like Donald Trump will only make things worse. He's reminding all the people who harbor racism, hatred, and misogyny that it's not only okay to think that way, but if you really luck out you might be able to run for president.

To Therapy or Not?

It's been awhile since I've posted anything on here. It's kind of nice to feel no real pressure. I think of this as my diary. I just pop on here when I have something I'm feeling or need to say, and I have no one to say it to. I've been battling depression, and it's making life difficult. I was flirting with the idea of therapy, even made some calls to find a therapist who works on a sliding scale/fee. Not an easy thing to find. There are three offices here that offer sliding scales, and they all have waiting lists. Now, I'm rethinking therapy. I have so many horror stories of therapy. And I met my adoptive parents through therapy. My "mom" was my therapist at one point. She has helped me make some decisions in my life that I deeply regret, and have and continue to cause me a lot of pain. One of those decisions was to be adopted by them. I don't know what I was thinking. But that's always been a weakness of mine, I don't look at how decisions I make now might affect my future. But she was the adult, and the therapist so that should have been her job. So, it's hard for me to imagine sitting in a therapist's office spilling all my inner most feelings. And no amount of therapy will bring me any kind of family, or family closeness. The fact is that I am alone in this world. I mean, I have my cats, and I know I have a scant few people I could call a friend, but I don't have any family. I don't have a childhood home, or my old bedroom to go to escape, or get the warm and fuzzies. I don't have anyone to talk to about my childhood memories. Sometimes I wonder if they're even real, or did I make them up in my head?
Having just gone through a rather traumatic experience, I feel like having a loving family member to talk to and seek comfort would be really helpful.
Therapy also won't help me break out of the minimum wage rut. That's another thing that makes me sad and also angry, and more recently deeply ashamed. I know that therapy can help you find ways to solve what is troubling you, or at least learn how to accept, see the positive, blah blah blah. But between my own feelings of doubt, and the trouble I've had finding someone, I feel like therapy is just not what I need. It's like I've gotten to the point in life where I have to pay someone to care enough to listen to me. And that makes me more depressed than anything.
                             

Coping With No Closure

Closure is an important thing. I think most therapists would agree. It's really hard to accept and move on from a situation when there is no closure. I've learned that the hard way throughout my life. Every single day of my life I wish I could have some type of closure with my real family. When M and D adopted me, that was that. I never went and said goodbye, I never went and collected any of my stuff, it was just done, like they had never existed. Why didn't I question that? Why didn't I request a visit? I honestly don't know. When I look back to those first months of being adopted, it's like a total blackout. Like I don't remember anything. I do this thing where it's like I almost leave my body when things are too much for me to handle emotionally.
I never got to tell my grandparents how much I loved them, and how they were such a bright spot in my childhood. They made me feel loved and special which I so desperately needed. They were the yin to my birth mom's yang.
I'll also never have closure with my adoptive parents because they are completely incapable of admitting any flaws, or wrongdoing. I've actually always known this about them, because I've seen it in other situations with other people. They are both really, really good at pointing out other peoples flaws, and they're excellent at judging people. Somehow, their flaws are just filed under  "I know I'm not perfect but Jesus" while other people need to fucking figure it out and make the changes that they feel need to happen. They also lack the ability to see anything from anyone else's perspective. I know that for years they have both argued that the other is too controlling. Like I'm talking huge blowout arguments, the kind that shake a house. Yet, neither one has ever even contemplated if there is any truth to what the other is saying. From my perspective I can say with 100 percent certainty that they are both uber controlling.
I was surprised when I moved back to Erie to see them arguing in the same way and over the same things. They're both therapists, so you'd think it wouldn't be too hard to look within yourself.
I'm saying all of this to say that I will never have closure with them, they will never understand where I'm coming from. All they know is that I am wrong. I am a sinner because I don't believe, therefore I am condemned to a life in hell, and I am a cold, vile person for not thinking they saved me and that they are awesome and amazing. My feelings and thoughts will not only never be accepted, but they won't even be heard or entertained for a second. It's a hard thing to deal with. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my feelings and thoughts. I know I have to let them go, but it's just so frustrating. I feel like since I can't express how I feel to them, it's just simmering inside me like a disease. I've been doing guided meditation focusing on letting go, and it is helping, but I just know I have a long road ahead of me.

Holding On Letting Go

I was watching an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on Netflix the other night, and one of the characters said the funniest thing. He said " That's all parenting is, pretending you know what you're talking about, and jamming it down your kid's throat" Man, that show is so hilarious. I think that's what my adoptive parents thought when they adopted me. All they had to do was keep talking about God and Jesus, and eventually I would see the light so to speak. I mean, I met them while I was in a Christian group home. What was I thinking? I remember that the people who ran/worked at the group home were super strict/radical some(me) would almost call crazy/militant so I think they seemed "cool" in comparison.
I remember they made me go to church with them in the beginning. My adoptive dad, let's call him M, his side of the family is SUPER religious. Like the kind of religious where it seems like any kind of love or light, or laughter is considered a sin. Like going to his mothers house was a lesson in depression. It was suffocating, uncomfortable and just plain miserable. Even during holidays, no joy, no peace, just anger and religion.
Through the years church was used a punishment, when I would stay out too late, or do whatever to piss them off, well, one of my punishments would be church.
One of the greatest things I learned while living in Seattle was that it's okay to not be a Christian. I mean, I knew it was technically okay, but it was also shoved down my throat that while it was okay, you pretty much are a piece of shit who's going to be tortured for all eternity.
As I'm working through my anger, which comes and goes. Anger is a very brutal beast I've learned. Anyway, as I work through my anger, I'm coming to the conclusion that this is really no one's fault. They are who they are, and they feel very strongly about God and all of that. But I also am who I am, and I was raised with different beliefs. The problem is that with them, and to be honest most Christians I've met, it's their way or the highway.So, they are who they are, and I am who I am.
My anger comes from the fact that they just arrogantly assumed their way is right, and they just thought I would denounce the beliefs I have and was raised with.
It became unbearable to have any conversations with D, (adoptive mom) because the root of all of my problems according to her is the fact that I don't allow Jesus in. She is unable to see any good in me. All she can see is that Jesus is not my savior.
I'm trying to let go of the anger I feel towards them and it is so hard. I have no relationship with them, and I genuinely don't want one, but I do want to lose this anger. Because even though I have no contact with them, I'm still allowing them in my life. I don't want to hold onto anger and resentment for the rest of my life. That's one of my biggest fears. I hope writing about it becomes a release.

Why I'm Here

I think I moved to SLC for a reason. Obviously I moved here for a reason, but I mean I moved here for a bigger reason. A bigger reason than simply "it's cheaper than Seattle" Last week I was walking to catch my bus, and I've been experimenting with taking different streets to get more familiar with this city. I walked by a house that instantly made me feel something, it sparked a memory. I stopped and thought about it, and I realized that the house I saw reminded me of my grandparents house. The house they lived in when I was a kid. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents as a child. My mom would go off on one of her adventures, and I would stay with them till she got it out of her system. I never wanted to leave, I always wanted to stay.
But the house, and the street, and something in the air made me think of them, and that time in my life. Time spent with my grandparents are some of my happiest memories.
The weather here reminds me of the weather in Ohio where I grew up. Not everyday, but mainly when it rains. It doesn't just rain, first it gets windy, sometimes blustery, and a lot of times it thunders and lightnings. It doesn't rain often here, it's no Seattle, but when it does it's an event! It rained like that in Ohio a lot. I remember many summer thunderstorms. I haven't lost electricity yet, but in rural Ohio it happened with almost every storm.
These are my memories, my stories, my experiences. I feel like my memories were pushed aside when I was adopted. I guess I didn't notice, or care. My adoptive parents are really good at telling people what they should or shouldn't be feeling. So, it never felt safe to talk about good memories, I saw the hurt look in their eyes when I would. Looking back, I can see that the hurt was a genuine feeling, and you can't be mad at people for their feelings, but at the same time I believe that I have a right to my memories, it's a part of me. I have a right to acknowledge that my childhood had good times, not just bad, and I had good people in my life. I denied those memories for so long, and even though they help shape who I am, it was like they never existed.
I think I moved here so I can remember who I was, where I came from. It sounds silly to say, because I'm very far away from where I came from, but it all feels very familiar. And I am here alone, except for my cats. No one to tell me what or how to feel. Or that "you just shouldn't think of that stuff" And I think I keep coming across things that jar my memories because it's been long enough. If I sincerely want to be happy and healthy, I have to deal with my past, and all of the confusion that goes along with it.

Knowing What to Change and What to Accept

I feel like I've lived my whole life up until recently not even knowing myself. Not only not knowing myself, also trying so desperately to be things I'm not.When I was late teens early twenties age, when a lot of people are exploring who they are, I had just left my real family to live with a whole new one. I was too messed up to know how to emotionally process all of the changes that had happened to me recently. I handled my feelings by binging and purging, drinking too much, and obsessing over the wrong guys. I don't even remember having dreams for my future, I was just trying to get through the present. I never imagined that if I didn't think about my future, or try to figure something out, that I would be stuck in the same cycle all these years later. Although I've long given up binging and purging and excessively drinking, and also obsessing over the wrong guy, I'm still stuck in the endless cycle of dead end jobs. I've become quite a minimalist over the years so it's not so much that I want to make a lot of money as it is that I don't want to do the shitty work anymore for such little pay. That's what kills me is being so miserable and having to show for it. I have nothing to show for all my years of hard work. I want more out of life. I want to be happy, and I want to be healthy, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger, and my self esteem was so low, I genuinely didn't think I was smart enough to do anything besides serving food and drinks to people. I've always loved to read, and I read everything, I just don't know how I never made the connection that I wasn't dumb. I guess I also didn't have any real interests besides trying to numb my feelings. I was completely lost. And my adoptive parents were no help. I'm not even saying that out of anger, it's just the truth. They tried to mold me into what they wanted out of a kid. They tried to cram their religion down my throat, and when that didn't work the condemnation came in. I tried their way, I did. I remember going to church, and dressing nice, and smiling at everyone, and everyone seemed so happy to be there, and I was not happy. My cheeks hurt from fake smiling, my soul hurt from being fake, and I always left feeling like what is wrong with me. Why am I such a bad person that I can't get into church. I tried fitting into that kind of life and it wasn't me.
I'm enjoying finding out what is me. I'm living in a new city where I know no one, and so no one has expectations or opinions about me. I'm free to be who I want to be, with no pressure from anyone. I'm looking at myself honestly the good and the bad. I've had some bad habits that I've carried around for years. Habits that manifested from pain and confusion. It feels good to see the bad, and instead of judging and hating myself, working on how I can change.
When I moved to Seattle all those years ago, I felt like I could breathe. I felt like I could be me, and no one was going to judge. No one was telling me to go to church, no one was telling me anything! I felt free to be friends with who I wanted,talk to who I wanted. It was like a new chapter. After only about six months of living in Seattle, I was able to stop binging and purging. It was a miracle, because when I was adopted my purging habit dramatically increased.
Now that I've moved to a new city and state again, I feel the same feeling. Like this is a new chapter of my life. I feel freer than I ever have, and I actually feel better and stronger than I ever have. I hope I can accomplish my goal of finding a way to live that doesn't involve minimum wage and a uniform!

Reality Bites

I think I always knew that my adoption was a mistake. I remember meeting my adoptive parents families, and thinking what have I gotten myself into? It was horrible. I have not one common interest as them, there is nothing like minded at all. The only thing any of us share is we're human. Now, I understand that plenty of people feel like strangers with their own families, but in my case I don't even share DNA with these people.
I used to dread visits to see their family. My adoptive mom has a ton of sisters and one brother. Her sisters are the kind of women who I go out of my way to avoid. They love the mall, and they love to gossip. I want to crawl out of my skin when I'm around them. And it's no one's fault. It's just that we weren't really meant to be in each others lives.
I cut off all communication with my adoptive family about a year ago. They haven't tried to reach out to me, and they knew what I went through recently. losing everything, and I mean everything and they didn't offer to help. Not that I expected help from them, I'm just making the point that they have clearly accepted my decision.
Although I know that my decision is the right one for me, it doesn't change the fact that is scary to be out in this cold world alone. I don't have a hometown, I don't have a childhood home to go to. There will never be a time when I am called home for a family crisis. I was watching some reality competition type show, and the contestants families were there cheering them on, and I realized if I were on this show, I would have no one, unless they allowed my cats to come cheer me on. It's a good thing I have no aspirations of being on a reality competition show!
I guess being in a new city, and feeling lonely has made me really realize what it's like to have no home base. I have to find somewhere to make it work, because I have nowhere to go, and no one to lean on, it's up to me. And that is the scariest, loneliest feeling ever.

Just No

I had a dog walking client last week that wanted me to let their dog out more than just walking it. It was costing me money to go back and forth, so one day I decided to hang out at a park near their house and read a book in between visits. I had my little space under a tree, the park was safe, I was happy. About six feet away from me a man pulled up a spot under a tree, obviously planning to do the same thing. As time went on, I noticed that this man was allowed to sit in the park and do his own thing, but for me it was a different story. Four different men walked right on by the guy, and didn't force conversation on him, but somehow couldn't do the same for me. I got asked if I was okay, even though I was showing no sign of distress, quite the opposite actually. There was a softball game going on in the field, and another guy decided he had to know my thoughts on softball. I actually have no thoughts on softball. That same day, later on in the evening as I was waiting for my bus, in a not so well lit area, two different men pulled their cars into the empty parking lot next to the bus stop to ask if I wanted a ride. Not a good day for men.
I'm sure those guys at the park thought they were being nice, and friendly, but I disagree. I don't like to be forced into conversation, and if I chooses to not engage, I am considered a bitch, or whatever insult they want to hurl my way. I am a nice and friendly person to be honest. But, when I'm sitting at a park reading a book and minding my own business, I don't want to be hit on. And I certainly do not feel safe when I'm alone in a not very well lit area, and a strange car pulls up offering a ride! I mean, I try not to bash men, I try not to make the typical men are dumb jokes, but come on! How dumb can these guys be to think a woman is going to get in a car with a strange man? Do they know it's 2016? I don't even think a naive teenager would be that gullible at this point.
I just wish men knew how creepy, and insulting it is to not be given the same respect as men. And I wonder if men know how scary it is to have a car pull up next to you in the dark, It's scary. I always want to ask men that do that if they have a daughter, or sister, mother, whatever. Think of the female in your life, would you want her to feel that fear?

Monday Musings

This past Saturday was the Salt Lake City vegfest. I believe it was the first ever vegfest here. I also have never been to a vegfest. I signed up to volunteer one year in Seattle, and good old social anxiety mixed with a hangover got the best of me. I wanted to go so many years, but crowds really overwhelm me. And in Seattle, almost everything is crowded and overwhelming. I decided to try this fest out. I kept it to myself though, because I've lost track of how many times I plan on doing something, and in the end I change my mind. Since moving to SLC, I've been pushing myself to step out of my comfort zone a little bit. What I've been realizing is that I've been stuck in stagnant for awhile now. While I was living in Seattle, I may have been not drinking and all of that, but I wasn't doing all that much to make my life better. I allowed my depression to really take over, and I didn't even realize. So, one of the ways to change is to grow, and experience new things, and get new perspectives. And you have to challenge yourself.
So, I went to the vegfest, I was the first person there for the first SLC vegfest, and it was my first time at any vegfest, so that's pretty cool. And guess what? I lived. No one killed me, I wasn't laughed out of the place, whatever worst case scenario I thought might have happened didn't. And it wasn't even that crowded, which is one of the benefits to going to places early. I had fun, I left when I wanted and everything is fine. And I am proud of myself. I pushed myself. That's what it comes down to a lot of times is just pushing yourself.
I think that this is probably the most clear headed I've ever been. I'm eating healthy, sleeping good most nights, crying when I need to cry, allowing myself to go through the grieving process, and just trying my best to be kind to myself. It sounds kind of funny to say this, but sometimes when you are used to living life in full self destruct mode, it can take a lot of work to be kind to yourself.
I hope that I continue on my positive path. I like hopping on here every now and again to write about something positive like this. I hope it will keep me motivated.

Musings

Yesterday morning I was gazing out of my kitchen window while doing my dishes. My neighbors were out in their yard enjoying the beautiful morning. It appeared to be an adult daughter and her mother. They were at total ease with each other, the way most healthy mother daughter relationships seem to be. It gave me that uncomfortable ache that I try like hell to ignore. That void in your soul that is just there, and it's not going away. I never had that with my birth mother as a child or teenager. And I also never had that with my adoptive mother. As a matter of fact, at this point I have zero relationship with either. My adoptive mom tried, she really did. But we are two very different people with very different outlooks on life. And My adoptive mom cannot handle the fact that I don't share her religious beliefs. It's a big problem. I think when she adopted me she assumed I would just discover that their way is the right way. She never stopped to consider what would happen if I didn't "see the light"
The funny thing is that I feel like I would have a good relationship with my birth mother as an adult. I've come to accept that I am so like her, good and bad. I think we could have worked through our issues, and maybe become friends. Maybe not, I'll never know. But, I think it would be helpful to at least be able to talk to someone who thinks like me, and feels like me.
I feel like it must be a very comforting feeling to have someone who will always be there for you, and always listen to you. Someone you can confide in, and who will give you a hug when you need it. That person who will come and take care of you when you're sick, go shopping with you and watch movies when you're well.

Dog Day Afternoons

I've been working my way back into doing guided meditation. It's been a little over a month since I've done anything. I tried once, when I was still in Seattle, staying with my ex and it was almost impossible. I couldn't even sit through one minute. I feel like I need it now more than ever. I desperately want to make some changes in my life. I don't want to live the rest of my life being miserable in my dead end job, barely making it and losing everything over and over. It's no way to live, and it's been my life for so long. It's drained me, and I never even really realized how much. I was too busy drinking and smoking away the pain.
It's not like I have dreams of hitting the big time or whatever they say. I just want to have a little dog walking business. I've lived on or below the poverty line for my entire adult life, so I don't even need to make a ton of money. I just want to get some enjoyment out of what I do, and live my modest little life.I'm putting it out there, I'm visualizing, I'm manifesting, I'm setting it free in the universe. I really hope I can make it happen.
I've been working so hard on my health, and I know from experience that working in these miserable environments is not good for my happiness or health. It's always the same story, I start out swearing that the negativity and misery is not going to get to me, and it always does. After a month I'm standing outside smoking and bitching. Then, hating myself for it. It's a nasty cycle.
I'm hoping that by starting up meditation, and other healthy habits I can continue on the journey to health and healing. And I really hope my vision turns into reality.

Letting Go

For two and a half weeks, before I moved to SLC, I stayed with my ex boyfriend. I know I shouldn't say anything bad about him, I should just be grateful that he let me crash, but man it was a challenge. He made my life very difficult, and I was already going through one of the worst experiences of my life. He is someone that lacks any empathy towards anyone. It's funny how I was friends with him for so long, and I never noticed this trait. I guess this is why you don't make friends when you're drinking to the point of blackout every night. I find myself being surprised by his behavior all the time, but I was friends with him for ten or eleven years before we ever dated.
I remember one day, before I decided to move to SLC, I was trying to find a second job in Seattle. I was on my way to drop off a resume, and we were having a discussion that was getting dangerously close to an argument. I asked him if we could finish the "discussion" when I got home, and he said he had to say "one more thing". Well, the one more thing was something really shitty. and it hurt my feelings. I don't even remember what the discussion/argument was about, or what the shitty thing was. But I know that it upset me, and it was super hard to go take this resume to wherever I took it. Like I was struggling to hold it together as it was. There were many times in the short period I stayed with him where he almost pushed me over the edge.
He also has a knack for bringing me down when something good happens. There have been many times where for whatever reason I'm feeling really good, in some cases even celebratory, and he will pick some petty little fight, or choose that moment to bring up something from the past, some way that I annoyed him, and it just has to be pointed out right then.
It's funny, not too long ago I read an article on how often we will pick romantic partners who remind us of the parent who hurt us most. D has qualities of both my birth mom, but also my adoptive parents. As a matter of fact, my adoptive parents loved him.
As is the case with situations like these, it's only I that can change things. He isn't going to change. His classic response to everything is "this is who I am" So, if you have a problem with anything he does, it's just that your problem. And sometimes he even takes such offense, that you are the one who ends up apologizing.
I don't know why it's so hard to completely let go. It might be because I have so few people in my life that I have any kind of history with. I do think of him as family in some weird way. And I keep hoping that one day, my dear old friend will reappear, and things can be amazing again. But that day is not coming.
For now, I'm working on focusing on the things and people that make me feel good. I guess I'm hoping that I'll just naturally faze him out. I'm one of those people who ignore the hundred nice things people say, and focus on the one bad thing someone says. I have to stop letting him be that person.

Shedding it All

I don't have a full length mirror in my apartment. And I don't even have a chair that I can pull up to the bathroom mirror to try and see most of me. It's been so freeing! I've been so preoccupied with being in a new state and city, trying to find a job, and feeling stressed, lonely, depressed that I haven't even worried too much about how I look. It's a far cry from the old me who used to obsess over every single flaw. Or the old me who drank so much that I just didn't care. I'm in between those two versions of me. It's not that I don't care, but I don't care to the point where I feel a need to pick myself apart. It serves no purpose. I want to live the rest of my life focusing on everything else. Believe it or not, I don't think I will buy a full length mirror anytime soon. I haven't owned a scale in years, and it has helped my psyche tremendously. It's also nice getting to know me, from the inside. All I've ever known is hating myself. And I've made life choices based on that hate. Life choices that supported that hate.
I was having a hard day emotionally yesterday, but physically I was feeling great. I've been working out and eating healthy, not smoking or drinking, so I'm feeling great. So, I'm at the store yesterday, and I walk by a mirror, and did not like what I saw. It sent me into a tailspin that took a lot of energy to talk myself out of. And I had enough going on. Loathing myself has gotten me nowhere in life.
My posts have somewhat of downers lately, and I'm sorry. I wanted to document all the positive changes, and I believe they're coming, I just think I have to slog through all this stuff in my emotional junk drawer first.
This blog is still going nowhere. I promise one day it will. I'm just struggling right now, and my thoughts are all over, and I guess I just need to vent.
I don't know why, but I feel like someday I'm going to look back on this time as a time of personal growth. I recently lost almost everything, and that has to mean something. Like, I lost stuff that I needed to lose. Maybe I'm just telling myself that to feel better. Only time will tell I guess.

Another Holiday

Over the years I've become quite the loner. I've learned to just enjoy my own company, and the company of my cats of course. I've never minded or felt embarrassed to go to a movie alone, or eat at a restaurant alone. And that includes holidays. While living in Seattle, I just got used to spending the holidays alone, and during my unfortunate time in Erie, I realized it was better to spend the holidays alone. I tried my first year back to take part in adoptive family festivities, and it just didn't work. So, after that I chose to spend the holidays with my cats. What I've learned over the years is that it feels less lonely to be alone, than to be in a room full of people and feel alone.
There is a particular sadness about not being part of things on the holidays. The quietness in the air, the lack of traffic. People are together, somewhere and you are just where you always are, doing what you always do. For some reason, today being Labor Day, which is like a whatever holiday, I'm feeling the sads. I've never even really celebrated Labor Day, the shitty jobs I have I always have to work. I guess it's just being in a new city. I already feel super isolated, and more alone than I have in a very long time.
It feels good to just type that, and admit it. Many years ago I started denying any feelings of loneliness around the holidays. It's easier to deny it than have people have that look of pity in their eyes and invite you to do stuff with their families, which is often worse than being alone. I've tried. But it's okay, it's just another day, right?

Saturday Musings

I was watching a video on YouTube the other day, and this person was venting about her weight, and how she had been trying to lose a few pounds, and it just wasn't happening. She was feeling like why am I depriving myself of certain things and making myself exercise when it's making no difference anyway? I have had that same thought at least five hundred times over the last couple of years. Why not eat all the junk (vegan of course) and stop exercising.
I've recently realized that even if I never drop a pound, I am still going to continue to eat healthy with the occasional treat, and I'm going to continue to exercise, and push myself when it comes to cardio workouts. I've recently realized that I do it because it makes me feel better, regardless of how I look.
I recently went through something extremely stressful and painful, and I stopped working out, and ping ponged between not eating, or eating total crap. I also was barely sleeping, and I even smoked some cigs, and drank some beer. I also was drinking coffee daily which is something I haven't done for years. I felt so unwell, so weak, and so not strong. My body put up a fight at first, wondering what I was doing to it. But after about a week or so, it just accepted the abuse, and the ill feeling became my new normal. I felt sluggish, slow, puffy, and weak. And all these unhealthy habits certainly weren't helping my emotional state. I felt like a toxic person in every way. And I felt ashamed because I had come so far, only to go back to all of my old patterns.
Now that I'm back on track, and off the cigs, the beer, and coffee, and back on green juice with lots of turmeric, yoga and other workouts, and eating healthily I feel like a new person. And even though I still do want to lose weight, I know now that choosing healthy habits is much more than just trying to look your best. I feel clean inside in a way that I didn't when I was being unhealthy. And  I like that feeling.
I know plenty of people who are naturally thin, and because of that they treat their bodies like a dump. Eating crap, not exercising, and not worrying about any of it because on the outside they appear to be healthy.
I feel like I am a nicer, more positive person when I'm taking care of myself. I take time to notice what I'm grateful for, even on bad days when it's hard.
So, I'm working on making that mind switch. My motivation for being healthy is no longer about losing weight, but more about continuing to strive to be the best me I can be. I want to be the kindest version of myself. I want to be the change and all of that, and lucky for me I can achieve all of that with or without an extra fifteen pounds!

Rejection is a Part of Life

I applied for a job last week. It is less than a ten minute walk from my apartment, which right now is super important. Since I am in a new city, it's very easy for me to get lost. The job is at a pancake house, and I applied to be a server. Although I am so over being a server, and I feel like I would rather die than serve and clean-up after another person, it's something I'm comfortable with, and have lots of experience doing. So, I went and had an interview with the owner, and he said he was going to "take a look at the schedule, and see where he could fit me in for training" And he said to expect a call on Tuesday. Tuesday came and went, and on Wednesday I tried to call the restaurant, and was told he was "in a meeting" Here it is Friday, and I still haven't heard from him. It's so frustrating, and this guy totally wasted my time.  I stopped handing out resumes because this guy was hiring me! Now I'm just so frustrated. The worst part is being lied to, and rejected by a crappy job you never even wanted.
If I could give one piece of advice to all the teenagers out there, it is to go to college if that is at all a possibility. Sure there are some instances where people without college degrees make it out of the minimum wage world, but that hasn't been my experience. Even if I find a job that isn't serving people, it will most likely be some other low paying, soul draining customer service job. It's just so frustrating to know that you're capable of more. It's been a long life of being very unfulfilled.
I did learn something from this debacle. Wasting people's time is not cool. I have definitely wasted people's time before, and I guess I didn't realize how shitty it feels. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own stuff, we forget that our actions affect others. I am guilty of that over and over.
I'm trying to take it all in stride, rejection is a part of life and all of that. But it's just that it's so easy for people to say that who aren't pounding the pavement, and getting rejected by jobs that they themselves would never want.
I'm kind of glad no one reads this blog right now. It's like a safe little place to come vent.

Where Am I Going With This?

I have been severely neglecting this blog. The last time I posted I was about to lose everything. Through a weird twist of events, I am now living in Salt Lake City, Utah. To make a really long story somewhat short, when I lost everything, I had some dark thoughts. Darker than usual. I really had no desire to live. I started a GoFundMe page to try to raise money to get another place, and get my cats back. Nothing was going for me in Seattle, and I was terrified to sign a lease for an apartment that I might not be able to afford. Seattle has gotten so incredibly expensive, you aren't getting an apartment for under one thousand a month. Someone donated to my page, and we started Emailing back and forth, and she mentioned at some point that SLC was cheaper, and it was relatively easy to find a job.
I started perusing Craigslist here. and I got the second apartment I liked! It was so easy. My new place is two bedrooms, with a big kitchen with lots of counter space, and a window. And it's half of what I would pay for a one bedroom in Seattle.
I'm hoping to truly heal myself here. When I moved to Erie PA, it was supposed to be a fresh start. A place to live where it wasn't so expensive, and I could breathe, and live without the strangling high cost of living. Because of family issues, and the general miserable disposition of that city, it wasn't the fresh start I would have liked. But I feel like I ave that here. It's much cheaper to live, and so far the people are very nice. I would say kind, there is a kindness I genuinely feel in this city.
I've been thinking a lot about this blog, and where I want it to go, and what I want to do with it. I have a lot of feelings I need to process, a lot happened in a month. I want to heal myself, and process my emotions in order to become the best version of myself. I feel like I'm actually ready for that.
So, for now I think I'm going to continue to pop on here and talk/vent about what I feel like I need to process. And I also want to talk about self love, and self care. I think we are conditioned to think of self love as selfish, when it actually is what makes you able to be the kindest you. I want to continue to talk about weight loss struggles. I believe that as I heal my insides, my outside will follow suit.

Goodbye

I almost didn't write this post since I don't even think many people read this blog. But I don't like it when people just disappear so I figured I would explain my absence. I am going through some hard times financially. In two days I will be out of my apartment with nowhere to go. I am going to lose everything I own, including my cats. I couldn't give less of a shit about my stuff, but losing my cats is more than I can bear. They are really my only family. I'm the only human they've ever known.
Not having any emotional support has made this burden very heavy. The only comfort I get is from my cats who can tell something is wrong. They're comforting me, and I totally screwed up their lives.
I won't be blogging anymore after this. I've lost my home before, and have managed to bounce back, but never have I suffered a loss like this.
Knowing that I am about to lose everything, my adoptive dad sent me a ire and brimstone Email letting me know that because I don't share his religious views, as in Christ is my savior, or whatever it is I'm supposed to believe that when I die i will be in a place where I will experience loneliness and sadness and misery like I've never known, and there will be no comfort for me. I let him know that I'm already living with that loneliness and sadness. Everything he described is pretty much my life so I let him know that he and his wife prepared me for it, and I'm not scared. Christians are so hilarious, because why would you say that to someone who is about to lose everything? Why? I am hurting, I am in pain like I've never known.
Anyway, anyone who has read this blog, thank you. I wish it could have been so much more.

My Vibe and my Tribe

I came across this quote a few weeks ago, "your vibe attracts your tribe" I fell in love, and of course being me I wrote it on a million Post It notes to remind myself of that. I've always wondered why people who are super negative about everything are drawn to me like a moth to a flame. I've always considered myself to be more on the positive side. I mean, don't get me wrong, I see the ugliness of the world, and can get fixated on it but in general I try to see the positive. It's the only way to get through life sane I think, is to see the positives. So, what's been wrong with my vibe? Well, now I see that even though I am more on the positive side when it comes to other people, and situations, I see only the negative when it comes to myself. So, I guess my vibe has been pretty toxic, and I was just floating through life unaware! I'm trying so hard to change my stinking thinking. It's so hard, I went shopping yesterday, and ugh to fitting room mirrors. And thrift stores are even more unflattering! So, yesterday was full of me being down on myself. No wonder I feel drained today.
I'm determined to change my vibe. Life is short, and I've wasted so much of mine being miserable. I've never even had one single job I've liked. I've had jobs that were tolerable, but never one where I was happy, felt respected, enjoyed what I did, and got paid enough to live. And I've chosen men and friends who are just not good choices for me.
I want to feel what it's like to really love myself, and feel confident and secure with my life. And I want to have healthy relationships with people who inspire me, and I them. I want to leave my house, and know that no one can rattle my confidence, and no one is going to ruin my day. I've always admired those people who walk in the door the same as when they walked out. Half the time I feel like a whole different person. I admire people who are able to be around toxic people, and kind of just shrug them off.
After last weekends events, I want to be part of spreading more light into the world, we need it. I've had some stuff going on in my life that's been making it difficult to see any light in my own life, let alone the world.
I'm going to get this right.

No Shop Girl

                                          
I randomly saw this video on YouTube, and the timing couldn't have been better. You see, right now I own one pair of jeans, and although it's been a cool summer so far, it seems like it's finally going to warm up, and I need a pair of shorts, or preferably a skirt. Just something short. I am dreading it soooooo much. I've never liked clothes shopping, even as a teen. And, it seems like the last couple of times I've gone shopping, it's been a reality check I didn't want. I've been working on getting healthy for a couple of years now, so I always feel like I expect to be a smaller size, or I expect stuff to look better on me, ya know? I just feel like I can never find, or I don't know what looks good on my body. I feel like I see other woman who are heavier than me looking real cute with clothes that highlight their positives where as I feel like I find and wear clothes that highlight my negatives. And, no matter what my body type has been I feel this way. I think having that sense and flair for fashion is definitely something your born with. And lets be honest, the thinner you are, the easier it is to find clothes. Some women can put on the ugliest, thing ever, give it a little fix, maybe a belt, and they look amazing. And, when I'm not shopping for clothes, I'm able to be happy for those women, and not compare myself to them. But when I'm just trying to find something to wear, it's impossible for me not to compare myself to anyone else.
This is where I realize how pathetically lonely I am. Everyone should have that friend, or cousin, mom, sister, whatever that tells you the truth, helps you find what's best for you, and cheers you up. I don't have that, so it's always a dark time after shopping. I honestly can't remember the last time I've bought anything that I thought looked good on me. I always just settle on the best of the worst. Le sigh.

Getting Sucked In

I had a situation happen earlier this week that just totally emotionally drained me. I got sucked into some negative energy. It's now making me wonder why it is so easy to get pulled in that negative way. I can think of many, many times where I have been in a really good mood, and I've had the joy sucked right out of me. Or, this has happened at almost every job I've ever had, I swear I won't get sucked into any drama, or workplace drama, or pick sides with anything, and then one day I wake up and realize I've become totally involved in the gossip. Anyway, I wasted like two days of my life with a racing heart, felling pissed, crying, and getting involved in several nasty comment wars. You see, I saw a video of a vegan YouTuber (male) being extremely misogynistic. Like, disgusting. So, it triggered some stuff for me, because I have years of enduring perverts and sexual harassment at almost every job I've ever had under my belt. I didn't realize I had as much pent up anger as I do. Definitely something I need to explore more. Anyway, in a fit of anger I left a comment, and you know how the interwebz work, it's been dumb response after dumb response. I think what ended up upsetting me the most is the amount of females who defended him, or excused it.
I found a yoga video this morning on one of my favorite yoga channels,Yoga With Adrienne, and it was titled Letting Go, I knew I had to do it. To be honest, I only half believed it would help me, but believe it or not, after doing the video I felt lighter and calmer. And I realized what I so wish I would have a few days ago, and that is people like that exist. And there is always going to be someone who defends and agrees with bad behavior. And that's what a lot of toxic people want, they just want to spread negativity. I once knew someone who would say obnoxious things he didn't even really think just to get a rise out of people. The more upset people got, the more he delighted in it.
I feel so exhausted today, geting worked up and being pissed for two days really wears a girl down. I wonder how naturally angry people do it?
Being a sensitive person, I feel like my whole life people have been telling me to "not take it personal" or "don't get so offended" or my favorite"you're way too sensitive, toughen up"
I've never really learned how to toughen up, and to be honest in my opinion, the world needs more sensitive people, not less, and I have gotten better at not taking things personal, but it is a struggle.
I really wish we lived in a world where people were chastised for being insensitive, not sensitive.
But we don't, so if you are like me, and maybe have triggers, just try to remember that people who have crappy views exist, and the most obnoxious people are often the loudest. Try to focus on the quieter, more pleasant people in life, and breathe, and try that video. It isn't worth the energy, it really isn't.

Dark Days, Heavy Heart

Today my heart is extremely heavy. Twice in one weekend there were senseless shootings, one a terrorist attack. What I'm more sad about is that I know what we as a country will do. We will be sad and angry for about a week, and we will tweet and gram and facebook, blog, whatever for that week. We on the more liberal, or should I say intelligent side will scream for gun control, and gun laws. The conservatives will defend guns, and slam Muslims. Then, after a week or so, those of us fortunate enough to not have been directly affected by these tragedies will shove it to the back of our mind, and forget about it. There are so many Kardashians to keep up with, and so much social media to attend to. Then, if history repeats itself, which unfortunately it keeps doing this will happen again, and wash, rinse , repeat. I think as a country we have mastered the art of temporary righteous indignation. It was only four short years ago that a grade school got gunned down, and TWENTY small children were killed! And not too long ago two people were shot live on television, not to mention all the others in between. The world is getting scarier and sadder by the minute. I feel more scared by the day. I've never been a huge fan of being in places with lots of people, and I'm liking it less and less.
At this point I have zero faith that it will change or get better. All I can do is hope that people who have super deep pockets, like bigger than the NRA start demanding the politicians do something. I am no expert, but having less guns in the world seems like a really good place to start in fixing the problem. How has this not already happened? I don't understand how we as humans just keep letting this shit happen. We should have done something so long ago, but at the very least when tiny children are getting fucking massacred is that not the time to maybe demand and not stop demanding some kind of change? Even if gun control isn't the answer, and it's something else, I don't care. We just need to do something.

What Was I Thinking

I've been trying to piece together my past, and remember what led me to my decision to leave my birth family and go with my adoptive parents. My memories of certain times in my life are fuzzy. I feel like this is a memory that should not be fuzzy as it was such a monumental decision that I deeply regret. I was in the demented Christian group home, and she was my therapist. The last time I ever saw my birth mom was during a family therapy session. I don't even remember the session to be honest. At this point I was nearing the end of my stay. This group home had steps or some other insane thing and when you completed all the steps, you were saved and ready to go home. Or, unfortunately for some of the girls back to foster care, or someplace equally depressing. If I remember correctly I was one of the few girls who had an actual home. Strange right? Anyway, my next session I remember "D" telling me that she had determined that while I had grown, and made some positive changes, it was obvious my mom hadn't, and they(the powers that be at the group home)feared for me to go home. So, "D" mentioned how much she cared for me, and how much she wanted me to have a better life. That's when she suggested that I come live with her and her husband. You have to understand that as a sad and lonely teenager, I was immediately tempted by this idea. She was a great therapist, or so I thought. She was kind, and understanding, and she always said nice things about me, told me I was pretty which I craved sooooo badly. I remember I went and spent a weekend with them. It was weird, and I felt super awkward. But they were both so nice, and kind. I desperately craved that. And, there's something about a therapist that makes them feel really safe emotionally. You feel like they would be the BEST person to be around, so supportive and non judgmental. I remember the next week I made my decision and that was that. I left the group home, went to their house and that was that. I never saw anyone from my family again, and I never got any of my things, that was it. About a month or so after I had moved in with them, they approached me about adoption. They gave me a million and one reasons why it was the smart thing to do. I don't remember their words, but I remember feeling overwhelmed with information, and just agreeing to it. Not understanding the finality of that decision.

Making Pink Lemonade out of Lemons

Today I was at Trader Joe's, and I was grabbing some of their pink lemons which are amazing in case anyone ever wonders. I had never heard of real pink lemons before now. So, a woman comes up beside me and grabs a bag of regular lemons. She then casually mentioned to me that she's never heard of or seen pink lemons before. So, I told her how delicious they are, and that I was so glad I was able to get more. So, she grabbed some and said it would be fun to make some pink lemonade with her daughters. She was so thankful for the tip, and it made me feel so freaking good. To be honest, it probably made me feel better than it should have. I haven't had a positive exchange like that in awhile. But more than that, it feels so good to know stuff, and to pass it on and be taken seriously. I guarantee that two minute exchange with a stranger meant much more to me than even her. And I needed it today, on a day where I was feeling very small and unimportant. So, I really hope you and your daughters make perfect pink lemonade! And thank you for taking me seriously!

A Day in the Sun

Well, I did it. I went and sat by the pool and nobody threw rotten tomatoes at me, or called me names! I know it sounds so ridiculous to some people, but to those of us who have ever been taunted and bullied, the fear is hard to get over. I spend a lot of my life when I'm out in public waiting for someone to start calling me names. For me bulling happened several times in my life at different times, so I guess no matter how old I get I will always be a little fearful. But I was thinking this morning that maybe every time I push myself to do something that scares me and nothing happens, maybe it erases a little of the fear. I don't know, pushing myself to do scary things with no alcohol to make me ballsy is new to me. But it can't hurt.
The sun felt so wonderful, and it felt so good to just do it, and not be a prisoner of my fears, and a prisoner to what people think. I think it's so easy to tell other people to not care what anyone thinks, but it's not so easy to take your own advice, at least that's what I've always noticed.
Anyway, if anyone ever reads this who needs a little inspiration to sit in the sun, here it is. You can do it, and it feels really good!

Progress and Acceptance

Well, on Sunday I tried on my bathing suit, and did not like what I saw. So, why not go shopping for clothes on Monday!! I needed a pair of shorts, or a skirt, or something cool for the summer. I had one pair of shorts that I wore throughout the summer last year, and they are pretty worn out at this point. I normally would buy clothes at a thrift store, but I do allow myself once a year to buy something new. So, the entire walk to the mall I worked on being calm, and not judging my body. One of the guided meditations I listen to tells you to let your thoughts float over you, and just let them come and go without judging them, or yourself. So, that's what I was telling myself. Just figure out what size you need, find what looks good and don't judge. I mean, the thing is that I am the size I am right now. Nothing is going to instantly change it, especially getting pissed at myself and freaking out and spewing a bunch of hate towards myself, which is what I've done for my entire life when shopping for clothes. I was pretty successful. I just grabbed a jean skirt which was what I was wanting, and I am working on not judging myself over the size. I would say that while I did have a few dark moments, I had much more control over the darkness than usual. Instead of focusing on the size or whether I look as good as I'd like, I'm focusing on feeling grateful that I was able to buy a new skirt and a dress. Self hatred is such so pointless, and such a time suck. In the past, a bad shopping experience could send me into a tizzy that would last days. I think of how my energy could have been put to such better use. So, progress not perfection on the body proud progress! The other day I was feeling so frustrated, I said to myself why am I even bothering to workout? It's like stepping up my workout game has accomplished nothing. Then I remembered how much better I feel. That feeling when the first bead of sweat starts trickling down my face, that amazing feeling of pride when I'm done, and the happy buzz I feel for the rest of the day. I remembered that I can feel not only my body getting stronger, but also my mind.  So, in the end I will continue to work out, and continue to work on improving myself, but also accepting myself. And, today is Tuesday, maybe I will brave that pool after all.

Unrobing Fail

Well, that was a fail. If you just accidentally stumbled on this post, I wrote earlier today that I was going to be brave and confidant and go sit by the pool at my apartment building. I was going to do it no matter what, whether there were people there or not. I guess I expected too much, the first time you put on your bathing suit after a winter of being covered up is a bit of a shock. I didn't think I would look great, but I have been eating healthy and doing seriously hard workouts, so I thought I would see an improvement over last year. I'm not going to turn this into a sob fest, just suffice it to say that my bod is not looking like the bod of someone who walks almost everywhere, and has been really pushing myself when it comes to my workouts! So, after looking at myself in the mirror, I already was wanting to forget my plan. But, I got over myself and got ready to go. Even though I was feeling the opposite of how I wanted to feel.
All hope was lost when I looked and saw that there were so many people out there! There were people sunbathing, the pool itself was crowded, it was a party. I just could not do it. I'm uncomfortable with crowds to begin with, and you add the vulnerability of being in a bathing suit, I mean forget it. I guess I should have chosen a week day for my big debut.
I will do it, I think I just have to dip my toes in first, not dive head first. I feel like there's no point in pushing yourself to the point where you're about to have a panic attack!
I'm off to meditate now, I need to clear my negative energy so I can keep focusing on the positives, not the negatives.

It's a Start

Summer has all of a sudden shown up here in Seattle. At least for the weekend. Today is a beautiful sunny day, and it's supposed to be almost ninety today! The apartment building I live in has a pool, and today I am going to put on my bathing suit, and sit in the sun! I might even go in the pool. Although I love to swim, I don't love chlorine. But whether or not I get in isn't important. What is important is going out by the pool on a warm day. I'm sure there will be other people, and that's why I usually shy away. There's a place in Seattle called Magnuson park where I usually go to sit in the sun. It's easy to find a secluded spot away from people and feel more comfortable stripping down. But I am going to do my best to be comfortable in my own skin. I remember last summer wanting to go to the pool a few times, and if there were too many people I would just not go. I would let my own insecurity, and fear of what people would do or say control me. I remember feeling so frustrated with myself for being such a wimp. Wondering why I just couldn't be one of those people who had that confidence. Maybe confidence can be like a skill that you can learn. I always assumed it was something you were born with. Because people who are confident don't even really realize it, it's just a natural part of them. But, people learn how to do all kinds of things, and some had an easy time learning, others had more of a struggle. So, maybe I can learn to be confident, learn how to totally forget my days being bullied, and one day just rock a bathing suit without having to talk myself up! If it was the old me, I'd probably down a few beers first to get the screw what anyone thinks attitude. Unfortunately, kombucha doesn't amp me up the same way.
But, for today I am going to go by the "fake it till you make it" attitude. And I swear, if there are people out there I'm not going to ruin my day by worrying in my head. You know, where you almost break out into a sweat because you're so worried about what people are thinking or saying. Today I am taking my book out, and I am going to replenish my vitamin D after a long grey Seattle winter, and I'm going to read and feel good. You have to start somewhere.

Watch Out For That Trigger

Although I have been recovered from my eating disorder for quite a long time now, I am still very sensitive to weight and food topics and issues. I can be easily triggered, and then it takes a whole lot of work to talk myself out of my frantic thinking. And if someone makes a comment about my weight, well it's a tough thing for me to get over. I was working in a bar in PA. and somehow it came up that I was a vegan, and the customer I was talking to said"I'm surprised you're not thinner if you're a vegan" Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, he must have realized that he was a bit rude, so he was trying to backtrack and it was just making everything worse. I already hated this job sooooo much, and this comment happened early in the evening, which made for a really long night.  I remember several days later I was still upset, and the guy who said it had probably forgotten all about it. It's crazy how many people don't realize the power of words. As I continue to heal from all the years of disordered eating, I can't control people and what they say, but I can control what I listen to when I'm at home. That's the joy of living with cats, I can go all day with no words if I want, when I'm home. So, I realized yesterday that several YouTube channels that I used to enjoy are no longer serving me. I am an ethical vegan, and I call myself and my diet vegan, not plant based. I have never referred to myself as plant based ever. There are quite a few vegan or plant based YouTube channels that focus almost entirely on weight, maintaining the perfect healthy weight, and also eating the optimal plant based diet. Although my focus as a vegan is ethics, I also enjoy eating healthy, and as someone with no health insurance, it kind of benefits me to use plants as medicine. But, I also deprived myself of food, and other crazy antics over food for so many years, that it feels really good to eat normally, and have the occasional vegan splurge. I don't ever want to give up vegan chocolate. I want to be healthy, first and foremost. And, I have been working out really hard trying to lose the beer flub, or what I call my unhappy weight. It's been an ongoing struggle, and the weight isn't falling off the way I'd hoped. I'm working so hard to be loving towards myself, and appreciate the fact that it's even functioning after all I've put it through. So, I realized watching those types of videos are toxic to me. And, since they aren't even talking about animal rights or ethics, and they don't eat in a way that interests me, why am I still watching? It's silly, like in high school when you try to fit in with a certain group, and you try so hard, they never fully accept you, and then you realize you don't even like them that much anyway. But yet you still want to fit in. That's what happened to me. I tried to be cool, and I really just am not, and I'm okay with it. I want to eat delicious vegan food, and I want to nourish my body, but I also want a life with treats and splurges. It's such an amazing time to be vegan now, with new delicious foods coming out daily, and I want to try them all!

Country Song

Years ago when I still smoked cigarettes, I used to stop at this drugstore close to my work when I needed a pack. There was a cashier who on more than one occasion made me a few minutes late to work because she would just talk and talk and talk. I jokingly referred to her as the inappropriate Walgreens cashier, because she would launch into stories usually reserved for your best friend, or someone you're very close to. Although I joked about her, deep down I felt for her which was why I couldn't walk away and ignore her. I always felt she must be so lonely and desperate for someone to listen  and care. Back then I could somewhat relate, but my loneliness hadn't quite reached the boiling point yet. I've always feared becoming that woman, almost as much as I fear becoming an angry, bitter person.
The other day, I was at the grocery getting some stuff, and I needed quarters for laundry. So, I went to customer service, and there was no one behind me, so the cashier and I started chatting, and we got carried away, more so me, until all of a sudden I realized there were people behind me in line! I wondered how long I had been blabbing away. As I was waiting for my bus, I wondered if my loneliness has gotten to the point where I have become the inappropriate customer! That customer you can't get rid of, and you just want to hide when you see them!
Although I'm a loner by nature, I don't feel a need to have a ton of friends, or a group, and obviously given my bizarre family life I certainly don't live by the "family is everything" motto, but everyone needs at least one person in their life who really gives a shit. And who you know will give you the truth, and advice that is best for you, not advice that they think is best for you. There is a huge difference. I haven't had someone like that in my life for a very long time, and I'm feeling the weight of it. I'm feeling the weight of feeling so alone. I feel like I'm becoming every cliche ever for loneliness.
I'm doing my best to combat the depression, and to an extent I'm holding it at bay, but I have days where the depression and loneliness  get the best of me. I felt it the other day, I felt like I could barely move, and when I did move my  body felt so heavy. I felt like I weighed five hundred pounds. I felt as low as I have in a very long time.
It has become somewhat of a struggle to not go back to unhealthy coping skills. The other day I took a walk to clear my head, and I had to leave my wallet at home. I was afraid it would be a little too tempting to buy some beer to ease away the blues. I craved that cockiness that alcohol gives me. That feeling of who needs anyone. But, this time around I'm smart enough to know that the feeling is fleeting, and the next day I'll feel worse than ever. As sad as it sounds, coming here and typing how I feel is helping me so much more than drinking ever did. Although sometimes I just feel so lonely and sad, I also feel like those feelings are moving through me, like I'm actually working thongs through, not just staying stagnant. I'm working on finding ways to feel better, not doing everything in my power to feel worse. It's a start.

Keeping Up

Last week I did a budget challenge on my vegan blog. I lived on five dollars a day, or thirty five dollars for seven days. I did cheat on the sixth day, so I did more like a six and a half day challenge. Anyway, I found myself having an emotional reaction towards the end. I found it hard to really explain anything that I might have learned, because living on a shoestring budget like that has been my whole life. There have been times, many times in my life where I would have given my right arm for thirty five dollars to buy food. I've gone through times when I can't afford Top Ramen. Like when your entire paycheck goes towards rent. Like every single penny. I've been embarrassed at the checkout line so many times by having to take stuff off because I don't have enough money that I've gotten pretty good at doing the math as I shop. I have always envied those people I see just tossing whatever they grab into their cart, without even looking at the cost. Then there's me, checking every penny per pound to make sure I'm getting the best deal. Not because I want to, but because I have to. I've lived most, if not all of my adult life with serious food envy. I think other bloggers who have done similar "below the line" challenges might have had more of an eye opening experience because it is not how they usually, if ever live. I learned long ago that my broke is very different from other people's broke. When I say I'm broke, I have no money, not even a penny like at all.
For me, the challenge week started out strong. I was coming up with some creative meals, I had found a good deal on some produce so I was having some fresh fruit and veg in my day, life was great. But towards the end I was out of anything fresh, and all of my meals were becoming a depressing shade of beige. I started feeling super panic-y. I guess maybe it was what they call a trigger? I don't know but it was just very surprising it was for me to wrap up the challenge with words. I thought I was going to have all of these really inspiring things to say, letting people know that you can eat foods other than Top Ramen when You're on a budget. Especially a vegan budget. There are so many misconceptions that eating vegan is super expensive, and it can't be done unless you're rich. I feel like in the end I failed because I just couldn't break it down the way I wanted. In the end, I just felt so relieved it was over, and I just wanted to move on.
I'm also somewhat embarrassed to admit how below the line I live. I guess we all want to keep up with the Joneses in one way or another.

Life, Interrupted

Getting to know yourself can be very hard. I only recently realized that I've walked through most of my life having no idea who I really am. I swore to myself at some point in my late teens that I would never be like my birth mom. I fought so hard to be different than her. She was a free spirited hippie type, so I went through any phase other than that. Because we need to label people and put them in boxes, I would hear people now and then refer to me as a hippie "type" and it would just drive me bonkers. But, no matter what ridiculous outfit, make-up and hairstyle I was sporting, I guess my true self  shone through to everyone but me.
When I got adopted, it was just a fact in my new home that my birth mother was the enemy. Everything she did was wrong, and there wasn't room for any other type of discussion. As a matter of fact, after about a month or so, it became obvious to me that it was best for everyone if she just wasn't brought up. After awhile, I fell into the routine. It's not that I don't ever think about my birth family, I always do, it's just that somehow in my mind my life as a child and teen were almost erased, or pushed way to the back of my mind. It was easy to do that living in Seattle, because I didn't have any family to be around, so I never really had to find my place, or question who I really am. I could just be.
I've realized I am very much like my birth mom for awhile, but this is the first time I'm honoring that. I can't live the rest of my life running from who I am, and punishing myself for it. Through meditation and really trying to work on myself, and forgive myself I'm forgiving my mom too. And I'm seeing things differently. Enough time has passed, I'm not the wounded bird I was, so I can look at things much more objectively now. I can see her pain, her hurt. There are a million sayings out there about hurt people hurting people and so on and so forth, so I believe that she had some pain that led to her making some bad life choices. After some of my own choices, I can hardly judge.
I understand that my adoptive parents thought they were doing the right thing by kind of shutting the door on my past, but looking back I think it really confused an already very confused girl. I wish I would have been able to work some of this out more, I wish I could have felt like it was okay to be me.
It is hard for me to not feel some real anger and frustration towards my adoptive parents. I need to come up with another moniker for them, because truth be told I don't think of them in any kind of parental, or really even familial way. But, I do feel like some mistakes were made, and it's easy for them because they have their families. I don't. There's no whoopsie, let's go back in time and make a better decision.
I can't help but feel a little bit robbed.

Dead Woman Walking

Sometimes being a pedestrian can be downright terrifying. Before texting and Emailing while driving was a thing it was scary enough. But now, there are some days where I feel lie I might die. I feel so unimportant and almost invisible. Living in a city like Seattle, or any large city it's going to be worse of course, because in fairness to all of you who love to text and drive, I also fear most drivers in general. Traffic is always congested, and people are in a rush to make that light, or get that turn in. I used to drive as well so I understand dealing with traffic, and the impatience and all of that, and I would probably lose my shit driving in Seattle. But at the same time, in a city like Seattle there are tons of people who walk, ride bikes, skateboards, unicycles, roller blade, you name it, we exist here. So you would think that cars would be a little used to looking around for anyone on foot.
I was walking to Target today, and traffic was a mess, and it was just so intimidating. When cars do stop to let you walk, you can sense the irritation, and you can sense that they wish you would hurry up already.
There is one stretch of my walk to Target where I walk by two parking lots, one belongs to a Starbucks, gas station combo, and right next to it is a McDonalds. To probably no one's surprise, the McDonalds driveway is the scariest. People are the worst, both pulling in and out. It only strengthens what I think of people who eat there.
I miss walks in the country, and the stone ages when we only had landlines.

Keeping My Cool

My birth mom had a temper. I have a temper. Patience was not something that I was shown or taught as a child. For most of my life, I just thought it was out of my control. I just figured people who are patient and don't lose their shit were born that way, it was easy for them. And I'm sure there are a lot of people who just have that in their nature. But I've learned recently that you can control your temper, you don't have to lose it! I think meditation is really helping me with this. I know I've written about this before, and i don't mean to sound like a broken record, but it's just so exciting. I have had two times in the last few days where something happened that really pushed my buttons, and both times it's like someone took over for me, and I just closed my eyes, and told myself that getting pissed and losing it will serve no purpose. Now, I've always known that. But in the past I didn't have the control to not go ahead and get pissed anyway. And these two times I was able to just breathe through it, and the funny thing is both issues got solved, instead of nothing happening. I'm so relieved, because I've never liked that feeling of losing your temper. My face gets flushed, I feel like I can hardly breathe, and I feel like a scary person. I remember it was very scary seeing my mom lose he temper, and I still find it scar when I'm around anyone who's losing it.
More and more I'm really seeing such a positive impact on my life since I've started doing guided meditation. I've even started attempting silent meditation which honestly is still a struggle. But I feel like someday I'll get there. I hate to be corny, but I have to be patient with myself.

All About That Sass

  This is not a YouTube channel that I subscribe to, and I have never watched any of her other videos, but I somehow stumbled across this video the other day, and decided to give it a watch, and I'm so glad I did. I have always greatly admired people who wear what they want, and just don't care. I'm not talking about the insincere, pseudo confidence that you see all over social media, I'm talking about the real people who proudly rock sandlals with socks, and anyone who wears something that society says isn't right for their body type. If that's what you want to do. I guess that's what I'm saying, if you are into the current trend of crop tops and don't have a six pack, wear one anyway. I've never understood why some people get so worked up, and feel like it's their duty to opine on what other people are wearing. I've known people who will just get so worked up, to the point where it almost ruins their whole day! Over something a stranger is wearing. People are so weird. I find myself strangely drawn to these type of body positive videos, even as I'm working on improving my own body. I admire and hope to absorb some of the sass and confidence!

Roadblocks

As I've been looking back on my life, and trying to deal with the past and all of that, I've come to realize that I have a self sabotaging streak. I can think of several very specific times where I really stood in my own way of achieving something more than serving food or drinks, and I'm sure there are a hundred million that have slipped my mind.
I was nervous last week because I really got into a funk, and I really wanted to drown and smoke away my sorrows. I mean, I really didn't want to, but I wanted to relieve some of the emotional pressure I was feeling. But, the thing is this is the longest time I've gone IN MY LIFE of really being healthy, and taking care of myself. It's like I'm getting to know myself in a way. My whole life I've been way to busy running away from who I really am, and it's caused a lot of stress and chaos. And stress and chaos get in the way of knowing yourself. I've spent more years than I care to admit trying to be someone or something I'm not. I feel like if I continue, it's going to lead to something really good, like seeing the world through your new glasses that you've needed for years. And I don't want to get in my own way.
One of my biggest fears is becoming one of those super grumpy, angry, bitter people you see who NEVER have anything good to say, and they spit in the eye of happiness. Different times I've worked in bars you see a lot of that in the older bartenders who are pushing sixty, and have been dealing with drunk people for the last thirty plus years of their life. I just have always swore to myself that I would not let myself ever get that miserable, no matter how many whatever I go through.
So this is me putting it in print, and out there that I am going to continue being healthy, continue choosing the path of striving for happiness. I've come too far, and I don't want to go back. I don't desire that life.
I was reading this article on self sabotage if anyone else struggles, or has struggled with this is interested.

Fallout Shelter

We've all heard the expression "you can't go home again" I learned that for me, this expression is very true. And what makes it sting so much more is that throughout my years living in Seattle the first time, any time I talked to my adoptive mom on the phone, her answer to anything I said or was going through was that I "needed to come home" Seriously, I don't believe I had one conversation over the span of  twelve years that didn't include the sentence"you need to come home" I never considered Erie PA. home. I wasn't born there, and even when I was first adopted they lived in Ohio, which is the state I lived in. I was born in Ohio, and although as a child my birth mom and I moved around a lot, it was all in Ohio, save for a short time in Colorado. So, already by saying I needed to come home, my mind doesn't really know where to go.
I knew it wasn't the right choice for me to move to Erie. To this day it seems like a bad dream that I did, or that someone else took over my mind and made me make that choice. I moved back with my now ex boyfriend. As soon as we arrived, my adoptive parents kind of tried to take over our lives and they started kind of acting like no years had passed, that I was still the same age and person as when I moved away. I was still bulimic, severely depressed, and hadn't yet started using alcohol as a crutch. I was also much more sheltered, scared, confused, and clueless than when I moved back. I have made many, many changes to the point where I barely remember who I used to be. They never once asked me anything about my life in Seattle. Keep in mind that for the twelve plus years I lived here I talked to them very rarely. Sometimes a year or more would go by with no communication.
The bottom line is that they never wanted me to move to Seattle. They felt that it was smarter for me to move somewhere closer "to home" From the time I got off the Greyhound bus it was cold shoulder and guilt. I can't get over that. I faced some really hard times in Seattle, some really dark days that to be honest I don't know how I got through. I feel as though I spent at least ten years of my life crying for help, and unless I was willing to move home, it fell on deaf ears. A few times I tried to bring up how I felt, and to say they got defensive and went on the attack is putting it mildly. She is a therapist and he is a lawyer, so unfortunately they really know how to a) emotionally manipulate and b) win an argument. I loathe confrontation, so it's just not a good scene. The narrative is that they saved me, my birth mom is shit and they are my "guardian angels" or something like that. And Guardian Angels can do no wrong you know. Keep in mind, I know that I am no angel, and I certainly have flaw after flaw, and when I was younger I was much more than a mess. But my issue is that I admit and understand that I have flaws, and have made mistakes. But it is impossible for me to have a conversation with people who won't also own up to making some mistakes along the way.
I feel so much better. Last week was very hard for me emotionally, and I was really having a hard time fighting off the urge to drown my sorrows. It's that pressure I feel when I have too many emotions floating around, and no outlet. I just wanted some relief, no matter how temporary. I can't afford therapy, and to be honest I have zero trust in therapists anyway for a plethora of reasons, and I just don't have anyone who I can talk to as I work my way through this maze of feelings I've been  holding in for so long. I have to go through this process to heal, and I know understand that there are no shortcuts. But you have to have a safe place, shelter from the storm. I guess this blog has become my shelter.

Nobody Buts Baby in a Box

Earlier today I was standing in line waiting to buy some booch, and I happened to be behind a fireman. So, another cashier opened up another line, and came over to invite me to his line. Since I already had my stuff on the belt, I told the guy behind me to go ahead. So, the lady behind him said to me"you just want to be standing behind a cute fireman" I didn't know what to say, so I just laughed. And she just kept staring at me. Then, the fireman turned around and looked at me with a smile that said "you're busted" It was so embarrassing! And I was not overly excited about the dude in front of me. I don't lose my shit over men in uniforms, or any group of men. I resent people assuming these things just because I'm a woman. I've never appreciated being lumped in a box just because I'm a woman, or because I'm a vegan, or any other reason. And it felt like such a personal little tease, like something you would say to a good friend, or relative, someone that you know, not a stranger.
This is a perfect example of one of the reasons I loved drinking. I always had a snappy answer to make someone feel like a fool for trying to assume to know something about me based on one small part of me. Now, socially awkward me just clams up, giggles nervously, and thinks of all the zingers well after the fact, like on the bus ride home. Oh beer, you served me well.

Here I Am

Today is a very hard day for me. My mind is such a mixed bag of emotions, and they're all moving around so fast I feel like I can't get control over myself. I've had this feeling of dread all week to be honest, I finally figured it out on Wednesday or Thursday, the feeling of doom is because Sunday is Mother's Day. I've done my best to fight the blues, but I have failed miserably. This week was a beautiful sunny week here, and even the sun didn't help me. And the sun almost always makes me feel better.
I feel an ache, and a sadness that I've come to accept will always be there. It's more intense this year than it ever has been, and I think the reason why is that I can no longer lie to myself. I lived far away from my adoptive parents for many years, so I created this fantasy in my head that somehow became my reality in where everything was perfect with my adoptive parents, I made the right decision, and a perfect, loving family relationship was waiting for me. Over the years my adoptive parents continually reminded me that I was making everything a mess because I didn't want to live in the shitty city they live in, and I was the one who chose to move so far away. Over the years I stopped talking to them whenever possible because that was their answer to every single problem- "move home" Excuse me, but where exactly is my home? They didn't understand, and either did I at the time that I had no home base. I didn't consider their home, or them to be my safety net, or my heart, or whatever else people call home. As a matter of fact, my adoptive mom's answer to any and all problems are these two things, "move home" and "find Jesus" Once I finally was living in their home city, her answer to everything became "find Jesus"
I wish I could go back in time and put so much more thought into that huge, life altering decision. Or, at least go back in time and pull my head out of my arse and tell myself to stop drinking for one second and get a grip, and figure some stuff out.
The worst thing is not having anyone to talk about this with. That's why I randomly pop up and type this stuff here, it's the only outlet I have. People get super uncomfortable talking about weird family dynamics, and it frustrates me when someone tries to tell me how I should feel, or what I should feel towards my adoptive family or birth family. It's really easy to tell someone how to feel when you aren't, have never, and probably never will be in their shoes.
The important thing to me right now is that I've made it through yet another day that brings out the emotions, and normally would be a day where I would drink them away. And I'm not doing that. Yesterday I wanted to buy beer and cigarettes so badly. I haven't wanted to drink and smoke away my feelings that much for awhile. But, I didn't, and here I am, feeling pretty bad, but I'm feeling the feelings, and trying to not judge them, or myself. And, here I am blogging about the mess that's in my head today!

False Cheer

There is a bus driver that drives the route that I take most often. She always has stuffed animals, or flowers, or other stuff all over the dash of the bus, and sometimes there is a little sign above the fare sign saying "welcome" or "have a good day" or some other welcoming thing. And everyday it's something different, she takes this extra step very serious. She probably gets to work at least twenty minutes early to set up her bus. The strange thing about it is that I've ridden her bus enough times to say with absolute certainty that she is a mean person! She yells at people with the microphone if they do anything wrong, and if homeless people are sitting in the bus shelters, she will stop the bus and yell at them, and threaten to call the police. Even on rainy days, when there aren't even any people waiting for the bus to begin with, it isn't like they're bothering anyone.
A lot of bus drivers will help someone out if they don't have money, or don't have all of the fare. This lady not only says no, but she completely berates them. She can't just say no, and leave it at that.
I always get so annoyed when I have to ride the bus when she's driving. I've known people like that in my life. People that are really nasty and mean, but for some reason they're always the people volunteering to be Sunday school teachers, or to read to senior citizens, or something like that. And they are always the first to tell you to smile, or ask you what you're in such a grumpy mood for.
I feel that way about a lot of Christians I've known over the years. My adoptive mom watches some woman on some Christian channel, and she is the angriest, meanest looking person I've ever seen, and she's always yelling. I asked "D" one time why that lady is so pissed, and "D" looked at me like I was a monster. She explained that this woman has "beat the odds" and "fought anger" and has come out on the winning side of happy. Okay. The scary thing is apparently in the Christian world this woman has made big bucks by schilling books, DVDs, and seminars on how to get over your anger!
And I find that often time people who are trying to force cheer, or whatever down your throat are often actually resentful of people who actually are happy, or actually have no anger in their heart. They'll often act suspicious of people who are genuinely cheerful, because it's been impossible for them to achieve.
Be wary of these types of people. I know that in my past I've been intimidated and really bothered by dealing with this type of toxic person. I have a quote on a Post-It note in my bathroom reminding me that "no one can steal your joy without your permission"

Woman in the Mirror

I've been wanting to read this book since it came out a few months ago, and yesterday I finally bought it. It's a memoir, and the author talks about her journey from being overweight and living with low self esteem, and all of the self abuse that can come with that, to losing the weight the healthy way, and learning to love herself. I've heard the author, Jasmin Singer on a few different podcasts, and I just knew I needed to read this book. She is so honest about her journey, and I really admire that.
In the first chapter, she's talking about all of the ways she avoided the mirror, or different ways she would place mirrors as to really not look at herself. I never really realized it, but that is exactly what I did while I was drinking and putting on the pounds, and just in general looking a mess. I also remember when I would have to buy clothes, and I would go up a size, I always had some kind of reason in my mind. I would tell myself that "this brand runs small", or the classic" I'm bloated" Anything to avoid the cold hard truth that my self abuse was affecting my health, and my appearance which pretty much go hand in hand. It's funny, when I was deep in the throes of my eating disorder, I couldn't stop looking in the mirror and obsessing over how hideous I was. So, I think it's safe to say that I've never really had a healthy relationship with a mirror. I think I was able to live in denial over my weight gain also because when I was doing my hardest drinking, I ate very little. Beer was my focus. So, somehow I just lived in denial that I was drinking more calories in a day than I ever could eat. But, every once in awhile i would accidentally get a glimpse of myself, and for a second there was no denial. How did I let myself get like this? Unfortunately, it just caused me to want to drink more. I wish I could go back in time and hug the old me.
I was reading this book today while waiting for the bus, and I realized that this needs to be a book I read only at home. It isn't a safe book to read in public, because it really stirs things for me, in a good way. This is the kind of book that you cry and laugh and every emotion in between right along with the author. I hope this book can inspire me to continue to heal, and also continue to figure out how to keep sharing my story, because I think that when we share our story, we help other people soooo much more than a million years of therapy.